A/N: Hello. Please avoid spoilers and let the new readers enjoy their reading experience with this story. Thank you.

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_____

OCTAVIA

I WONDER WHAT did they do last night?

I've been thinking about it. Overthinking, rather. Doon natulog kila McKinley si Ferish. Is McKinley into girls? Hindi niya naman siguro ginawa 'yung bagay na ginawa ko sa best friend niya nung tulog siya, right? She can't, yes?

Nakakainis. It felt like I'm going insane. I've been trying to sleep but I really have this uneasy feeling in my stomach that prevents me to have a peaceful sleep. It felt like something happened that I'm not aware of. I need to know.

Ferish is just so complicated. Hindi ko siya maintindihan minsan pero sinusubukan ko naman. Paano niya nga ulit napabago ang isip ng dad ni Matthew? He's not afraid of the Dean but he's clearly afraid of Ferish.

Just, who is she? Her name sounds like an absolute terror to those who know her. Parang lahat na lang ng may kilala sa kan'ya ay parehas ang mga sinabi na mapanganib siya. Bakit ako lang ang naiba?

She's not dangerous. She's simply a broken girl who seeks for something that I don't know yet. She's just misunderstood, and she's not evil in nature.

I have a bad feeling about this. Nakakainis na hindi ako mapakali at puro silang dalawa ang naiisip ko. I somehow wants to smack my head into somewhere to stop my thoughts about them. Something's really off about McKinley, so I never liked her. May pagkamanhid pa naman 'yung kaibigan niya.

Pero, ito talaga ang hindi nagpapatulog sa akin. I knew that kind of stares from her; it felt like it's an unrequited adoration. Is it platonic, or romantic? Which is it?

Ferish loves hugs. Did she hug her the way she did to me? Did she cuddle with her like what we did? Did something happen? Something like... kiss?

No, right? F*ck. No. Impossible! They can't do that. Best friends don't kiss each other on the lips. Hindi pwede. Hindi ko naman 'yan ginagawa sa dalawang kaibigan ko. Maybe hug? Gaano sila katagal nagyakap? Malamig kanina---hanggang madaling araw?!

I gasped and shook my head in disbelief. No way. They can't!

Napabangon ako sa inis dahil sa mga naiisip. Kanina nga ay inantok na ako nang tumawag siya, pero ngayon ay hindi na naman ako makatulog. I had a bad day, which is kinda normal, but last night is just so different.

Inis na bumangon na ako at hindi na bumalik sa tulog. I decided to prepare myself because I have an early class today. Bukas pa ang OJT namin. Ugh.

Naiinis talaga ako. I can feel the irritation in every bit of my being. I want to burst out, but then, I don't know. I'm confused as to why the hell am I feeling this way? I'm confused because I've never been this frustrated to someone else.

Dealing with my own frustrations feels like dying once more.

_____

"ANO SA TINGIN mo ino-overthink ni Octa?"

"Oh, let me guess. It's about her favorite obsession. It must be, because of her reaction."

"OMG? Hoy, bakit parang walang nabanggit sa akin 'yan na favorite obsession?"

"Let's just name this person as Fe---"

"You two." Pagtawag ko sa kanilang dalawa at inis silang tinignan dahil kanina pa sila nagbubulungan pero rinig na rinig ko naman. "Tigilan niyo 'ko."

"Bakit ba ang grumpy naman niyan? Ang aga-aga pa para magalit."

Tori tapped Lexi's shoulder, looking bored. "It's her normal. Be surprised if she's in a good mood."

Hindi ko pinansin 'yung dalawang maingay sa tabi ko na panay kwentuhan sa pangunguna ni Lexi. Ferish had the audacity to tell me that she's going to see me this morning, but f*ck, I waited for nothing. Nakakainis siya. Is she even going to show herself to me? I clearly told her that I'm inviting her for lunch.

Sinabi niya na pupuntahan niya ako, pero hindi naman nangyari. Nakalimutan niya ba? Ang dami niya namang kakalimutan pero ako pa. That kid is getting into my nerves, for real.

"May gawa ka na sa Research? Pinapabago ni sir 'yung pinili kong title."

"Yeah, tapos na ang title. Papa-check na lang."

"How was the dinner with McKinleys?"

"Ferish was there." Ferish here, Ferish everywhere. Kainis.

Vacant namin hanggang lunch at ala-una pa ng sunod na subject kaya nandito kami ngayon sa mini park at nagpapahangin. Makulimlim naman ang panahon kaya hindi masakit sa mata. Pero, hindi naman ako tinitigilan ng masamang pakiramdam dahil hindi ko pa siya nakikita.

Bakit ba ang tagal no'n? Hindi niya man lang ba ako hahanapin? I want to see her. I'd love to see the reason why life seems light and beautiful.

"Best friend niya si Summer. Kumusta naman? Hindi ka ba nainis?"

"Nope." I'm not annoyed but I end up overthinking about them, but I'd rather not tell them about it. "Did you know that Tita Heat addressed Ferish as 'Ren'? Ang layo niya pangalan niya. I don't get it."

Sukat doon ay nasamid si Tori mula sa pag-inom dahil sa kinwento ko kaya napatingin ako sa kan'ya. Inabutan siya ni Lexi ng panyo para punasan ang labi niya, pero sa akin siya nakatitig. "Her nickname's what? Ren?" Gulat na tanong niya kaya tumango ako.

I'm confused. I've never saw Tori this surprised because she used to not care about anyone else other than us. She's observant, but she knows the limit of herself. Ano na naman ba 'to?

"What's with the reaction?"

"Nothing." She shook her head, clearly lying to me. It irritates me even more. "Just surprised."

"Surprised to what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"To the nickname." Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at tumikhim at pinunasan ulit ang labi.

Something feels off. Ren? As in what? Bakit Ren? That girl is really suspicious. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako maniniwala. No one is telling me the truth, which is utterly devastating.

I was actually tired last night. I had to deal with myself because I'm not in good shape yesterday. I didn't know how I managed to socialize with them given the fact that I was triggered several times. I managed to stand still even with the catastrophe inside my head.

I had to deal with my own monsters. I had to hide again, just to feel safe. I had to keep myself away from the world... to protect what was left of me, and that's beyond painful because I wanted to scream to bad.

I want to break down. I want to tell them that I can't hold myself anymore, and slap them with the truth that I'm not as strong as they always depict me to be.

But, no. Doing that is selfishness. How I wish... I can tell these to someone without feeling invalid. How I wish, I can let these feelings out without being judged. I wish to be free from the shackles of the unknown from the past.

"She's suspicious, isn't she?" I said and heaved a sigh. Let's not think of anything else, Octavia. "I can't figure her out."

"How can you figure out when you're being played with?"

"What?" Inis na tanong ko kay Tori nang may binulong siya pero hindi ko narinig. She gave me a wicked smile and shook her head. Her eyes were sparkling with both amusement and danger.

"Nothing. Just be careful, Octavia." Seryosong binalingan niya ako ng tingin.  A sudden fear crossed my system as her eyes were threatening me; it is giving me a warning. "Looks are deceiving."

I suddenly remembered the talk I had with my mother. They said the same thing.

_____

"ANAK, ARE you gay?"

"Mom?!" Gulat na tanong ko sa tanong niya at bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga sa lap niya. Natigil siya sa paghaplos sa buhok ko at natatawa akong tinignan.

What on Earth is she asking? Anong gay? Why the hell would I be?!

"What? I'm merely asking my youngest child." Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang pisngi at pinisil iyon habang masuyong nakangiti. "Gosh, you've grown so beautiful and a fine woman, sweetheart." She complimented.

I scoffed. Nakakainis si mom. The audacity to ask me if I'm gay? Ngayon na nga lang ulit kami nakapag-usap nang ganito pero mang-aasar pa. "Mom, I'm not gay. Bakit mo ba naisip 'yan?"

Pinahiga niya ako ulit sa lap niya habang marahang hinahaplos ako sa buhok. I missed my parents and spending my time with them makes me happy. "The way you look at your friend seems different." Umpisa niya at bahagya akong nginitian. Her eyes shadowed a little truth that I've been seeking.

"How so?"

"Anak, I know that you've been suffering from the trauma until now. Ayaw mo sa tao. You used to stare at people with contempt and disgust." Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahil aware naman pala siya sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, pero bakit wala pa rin silang sinasabi sa akin? "But you look calm with her. You look at her as if..."

Pinutol niya ang sinasabi kaya napalunok ako. Gusto ko marinig kung ano ang tingin niya sa nangyari. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ang tingin niya kay Ferish.

"As if?" Kinabahan ako. Anong napansin niya?

"As if you see light in her. It's as if you adore her existence."

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag dahil akala ko ay kung ano. Is that a bad thing? Tama naman si mom, but that doesn't mean that I have any romantic feelings for her. I'm seeing her as... as a friend?

Hinahalikan ba ang friend? F*ck.

I blushed at the thought of it. Ramdam ko ang pag-iinit ng mga pisngi ko nang maalala ko ang ninakaw na halik sa kan'ya nung natutulog siya. Narinig ko ang tawa ni mom kaya inis ko siyang tinignan. "Mom, hindi nga. I'm straight, okay?"

"You know, sabi nga ng dad mo, you have the freedom to choose whom you will love as long as you are happy. We will support you, okay?" Masuyong sambit niya at pinisil ulit ang pisngi ko. "We are not to be a hindrance to your happiness. We are to support you, hmm?"

I'm glad to hear such words from my mother. I know that I'm always accepted with them because I'm their daughter. May mga bagay lang talaga kung saam hindi sila patas sa akin. And, I'm still not a gay.

"I think I'm just curious to her." Pagdadahilan ko kahit na hindi rin ako sigurado kung gano'n nga. Is it curiosity to know her even more, or interest that I want to know her deeper?

"Hmm? Why is that?"

"She's complicated and unpredictable. Her eyes... says a lot."

"Yes, exactly." She agreed. "Well, just let me warn you about her."

"What do you mean?"

"I've known that girl for awhile now. Ferish is a cunning girl. She doesn't see people as people." Umpisa niya kaya natigilan ako. What does that mean?

"What?" Naguluhan ako. Bakit niya alam? Anong tingin niya sa mga tao?

Ferish is a massive mystery in my life as though her existence is both a danger and salvation. Which is it? Can I choose? Do I have the freedom to choose which role she is to play in my life?

"Yes, anak. She sees people as pawns." Pagpapatuloy niya kaya nakinig ako nang maigi. "Pawns to manipulate. Things to use to amuse her. Every dangerous situation is merely a game in her eyes. She loves to be in control of everything."

How... how can she say that? Bakit parang hindi naman gan'yan ang pinapakita niya? Is my mom bluffing? No, hindi magsisinungaling sa akin si mom sa ganitong bagay.

She sound like Ferish is evil. As if she's not the girl whom I know.

"I don't get it. How did you know her that much?"

"I know some things she's been through." She whispered while looking into nowhere. Her expression felt familiar.

"Such as?"

"It's not my story to tell, dearest. Ask her."

I groaned and pursed my lips. "So, I'm not safe with her?" I concluded.

"It's up to you to decide. Do you feel safe with her?" She put my hand on my heart. Hindi ako nakasagot kahit na alam ko naman ang dapat na sabihin. I felt my heart beating fast as I thought of her. "Ferish is a girl full of complexity. I've never seen her so calm until someone tamed her."

It made my heart beat wildly inside my chest. There's bolts of electrifying sensation in my system. There's an unexplainable feeling inside my stomach that made me nervous.

Tamed? Who?

"Sino?"

"Secret." Pabirong sagot niya kaya umupo na ako para bumangon na at harapin siya.

"What's with the warning, anyway?" I asked, curious. Mom's expression is gentle, but I saw a glimpse of sadness from the way she look at me.

"Because Ferish is a blaze, and you're being consumed."

_____

"ARE YOU sure, ayaw mo kumain sa loob?" Turo ni Tori sa may cafeteria pero umiling lang ako at tinapik siya sa balikat para magpaalam.

"Nah. I'll have lunch with Ferish."

"So it's a date." She concluded and gave me a thumbs up before I could even say anything. "Enjoy, then."

Bahala siya. Kainis. It's not a date. It's simply a lunch and that little girl who has the guts to make me wait---

"Eight!"

Goodness.

Kumakaway siya habang tumatakbo sa direksyon ko na parang excited sa nakita niya. Ramdam ko na nawala ang inis ko sa kan'ya nang makita ko ulit ang masayang mga ngiti niya. She's already wearing her uniform.

Wow. Her uniform perfectly fits her. It's a long sleeve polo with a maroon vest and neck tie, while there's a black slacks. Nakalimutan niya rin magtanggal ng lab coat. Simple lang pero ang gandang tignan sa kan'ya. I've been seeing that kind of uniform but she made it more alluring in my eyes.

My heart unknowingly leaped in joy at the bright and cheerful sight of her. In my eyes, she's full of life and energy, and I love the way that every time she sees me, she always look at me as though I'm the one who made her smile so genuinely.

Her hair is tied in a bun, but there's little strands on her angelic face. Ang amo ng mukha niya at ang ang inosente niya ngumiti na parang walang alam na kalokohan. She looks so pure that I want to keep her for myself, to prevent the people from hurting her.

She looks happy.

"Hi, Eig---aray!"

Napairap ako sa hangin nang mahawakan ko siya sa mga braso niya para alalayan. Saktong nasa harapan ko siya nang bigla siyang madapa kaya halos sumubsob sa akin. Inayos ko siya ng tayo at pinagpag ang nalukot na damit. Bakit ba ang lampa niya?

"You okay?" I asked, a little worried. Hindi naman siya nadapa.

"Oo, okay lang. Hindi ako lampa, ha." Pangunguna niya kahit wala pa akong sinasabi.

So, how can I freaking think that this girl is dangerous? Damn. Ang lampa niya. Her excitement is genuine. Her smile looks so happy and her presence may be somehow vicious but... she's just a girl.

"Kanina ka pa ba naghihintay? Sorry, may dinaanan pa kasi ako." Medyo hinihingal na paumanhin niya.

"Hindi naman." Pinagbuksan ko siya ng pinto sa passenger's seat at nang makitang komportable na siya sa posisyon niya ay umikot ako para magpunta sa driver's seat at mag-drive. "Saan mo gustong kumain?"

"Kahit saan."

"Walang kahit saan, Ferish." Sinulyapan ko siya na ngayon ay nakanguso. Nagpupunas siya ng pawis at hinihingal pa rin, pero ang bango niya. I love her sweet comforting smell.

"Punta tayo sa mall, Eight. Alam mo 'yung Gluttanica?" She asked while fixing her eyesglass. Maya't-maya ko siyang sinusulyapan para tignan kung maayos siya sa pwesto niya.

Gluttanica Restaurant. Right. I know that place. It's a popular one but the dishes aren't expensive. Marami silang cuisine. The owner is a famous young businesswoman but dislike showing herself to the public.

"Sure." I nodded my head.

"May na-chismis kasi sa'kin, Eight. Nandoon daw 'yung friend ko." Kwento niya at sumulyap sa akin.

"May friend ka?" I asked, curious. Mabilis na nawala ang ngiti niya at parang inapi ko siya sa itsura niya. "What?"

"Eight, parang sinabi mo na ring friendless ako. Meron akong friends, masama lang mga ugali." She said as if it's a normal thing to describe them in that way. Isn't it kinda harsh to call them bad?

"Bakit masama?"

"They're lunatics. Walang matino sa kanila." Kwento niya at bahagyang natawa na parang may naisip. "Pero alam mo, I consider them as my family."

Those words made me smile. Yes, Ferish deserves all the good things in this world. Having people whom you can call a family is a different kind of blessing. That's why life is full of mystery and color, but at the same time, it can be full of cruelty and violence.

"I'd like to meet them." I smiled at her. "May I?"

I felt her stares on me. Those are burning stares but not out of madness, but something else. I felt the intensity but it didn't scare me because... I trust her.

"Oo naman." I took a glance over her and caught her suppressing her smile. "May friend ako na pagala-gala, baka puntahan ako minsan. Gusto ka no'n makilala, eh. Pakilala kita."

I chuckled. This adorable girl has her own strange habit of giving description about her friends, but I find it fascinating.

"Your friend knows me?" I asked. Paano ako nakilala?

Tumango siya. "Oo, galing Italy din. Kilala siya ng parents mo."

"Who?" Wala namang nababanggit sa akin ang parents ko na may kilala sila na gusto akong makilala.

"Si Azra." The smile on her lips turned mischievous, and the sparkle in her eyes turned... nefarious, but it is amused to something.

Azra? Did I heard that name somewhere? Parang narinig ko na pero hindi ko lang matandaan kung saan. The name is honestly familiar.

"Azra who?"

"Azra Moretti." Ngumiti siya sa akin nang tipid. "She's one of the pure people, like you are."

Mas lalo akong nagtaka. Anong pure people? Minsan talaga ay para siyang si Tori magsalita. Malapit ko na isipin na kabilang silang dalawa sa isang kulto. Parehas na hindi ko maintindihan ang mga sinasabi kahit na pwede namang magsalita nang simple.

"What do you mean?"

"Black and white. Yin Yang. In evil there is kindness. In kindness there is evil. Two separate beliefs, one vision, united by the girl whose existence is a sin." She whispered while looking into nowhere and she wears a serious expression.

"Ferish, hindi kita maintindihan." Pag-amin ko dahil kahit parehas na lenggwahe naman ang ginagamit namin ay parang ang lalim ng sinabi niya.

Lumingon siya sa akin at ngumiti. "Ibig sabihin, magkasalungat tayo, Eight. Kumbaga ikaw ang white, ako ang black."

"Why?" Nagtaka ako. Siya ba ang magdedesisyon ng bagay na 'yon?

"That's what we are when we are born." She hummed a little with an innocent expression. "That's what lies within our fate."

"You're sometimes creepy, mia carissima." I focused my sight on the road. She