'A few days later, I was summoned to Hidcote to speak with Lord Brentford. I was frightened that my father and Brentford had devised a plan to hide my disgrace that would ultimately lead to the loss of my child. When I arrived at Hidcote, and to my great surprise, Harry was there. He did not look at all pleased to see me, and it was with great reluctance that he asked for my hand in marriage.'

Helen remembered the proposal clearly if one could have called it a proposal at all. It was a garbled declaration made under duress. And, he could barely look at her as he said the words. If her situation had not been so dire, and she had only her disgrace to contend with, she would have refused him there and then.

'I realised, I had no choice,' she said, unable to hide the sadness in her voice. 'When my father sensed my hesitation, he made my options very clear. I could marry Harry, a man who did not want a wife, but I would be able to keep my child; or I would be sent away to have my child in secret and have it taken away from me as soon as it was born. There was no option left open to me, but to marry him.'

'We were married by special licence, and within a week, we were off to Portugal,' she said, keeping her voice level and not revealing the tumult of emotions she was feeling. 'The first few months of our marriage were surprisingly happy. I knew Harry didn't love me, but he looked after me and made sure that I was comfortable. He invited me to escort him to balls and other entertainments the officers and their wives had organised.'

'However, it all changed after Harry was injured at Corunna. I had just given birth to Georgie.' Helen stopped again when she remembered those frightening days when she thought she would die. It had been a difficult birth, and if it had not been for the skill of the Portuguese midwife; she would have died along with her son. As it was, she had been told by the midwife that her chances of having another child were low. And, in all the years since Georgie's birth, she had never been able to conceive. It was another reason why she could never marry a man like Ralph.

'Harry was badly injured. In the heat of the battle, a shell exploded near him, and a piece of shrapnel pierced his skull. He was unconscious for weeks, and I thought he was going to die. I took him back to Hidcote so that he could be nursed back to health in familiar surroundings.'

'I knew there was something wrong the moment he regained consciousness,' she said, her voice barely audible. Helen remembered the blank look in his eyes when he had, at last, woken up and looked at her for the first time since his injury. 'I had never been under the illusion that he was in love with me,' she continued, 'but during the first few months of our marriage, he had been, at the very least, thoughtful. However, after the accident, all that concern vanished, and he cared for no one but himself.'

'He would get jealous whenever I went to see Georgie. I thought it was a little odd that he never wanted to see his son, especially after how excited he had been at the prospect of his birth.'

Helen had always been puzzled by his transformation after the injury. His personality had entirely changed. He was no longer the fun-loving rogue, whom everyone loved; he had turned, almost overnight, into a distant stranger.

'When he was well enough to re-join his regiment, he wouldn't let me take Georgie,' she said sadly. 'I had to leave him behind at Hidcote with my father-in-law. I know the battlefield is no place to bring up a child, but a baby needs its mother. It broke my heart, leaving him behind in that place. It is a house devoid of any love or affection. It may have been dangerous to have taken him with me, but at least he would have been loved.'

'When we re-joined his regiment, who were now marching through Spain, it was evident that Harry might have recovered physically, but he was now a different person.' Helen felt a deep sadness as she remembered those painful days. Not only had she been separated from her son, but she had also had to deal with Harry's unpredictable mood swings.

She felt the hot prickle of tears burn the corner of her eyes, as the suppressed memories of her violent past floated back to the surface. They were at odds with the tranquil setting of the church.

'He began to drink heavily,' she said, unable to hide the sadness in her voice. 'He was rarely sober. The mixture of the effects of his injury and the excessive amount of alcohol he was consuming was a potent combination. He gambled all our money and unbeknownst to me, racked up sizable debts that he had no means to repay.'

'I started to lose things. It was brought to my notice when a few pieces of jewellery I owned went missing. I thought I had just misplaced them and that they would eventually turn up. However, when my pearls, the only piece of jewellery I had inherited from my mother went missing, I knew there was something seriously wrong. I did not have a personal maid, we could not afford it, and I had always been meticulous about hiding my most precious possessions. I asked Harry if he had seen them. He told me that he was keeping them safe for me. Then, one evening, when we were dining with the other officers and their wives, I saw my pearls adorning the neck of one of the ladies' present. I did not want to make a scene and embarrass myself or Harry. I discreetly complimented her on her beautiful pearls, and she told me that they had been a gift from her husband. Later, when I confronted Harry, he just laughed. He told me everything. He told me about his debts and how he had every right, as my husband, to sell my jewellery. I felt completely powerless. Of course, he was right. By law, I was just another one of his possessions that he could dispose of at will.'

'After there was nothing of value left to sell, he became very depressed and drank even more heavily. He then began to take out his frustrations on me. Up until then, he had only used words to hurt me, but now he began to use violence.'

'I was trapped, and there was no way out. Even if I could have left him, where would I go? I could not go back to my father, he had died just after my marriage, and I had no other relatives.'

Helen sighed. This was the part of her story she had not told a living soul. It had been so shameful that she had not dared to share it with anyone else. However, there was something so beautifully calming about the atmosphere in the church. It had given her the courage to speak. It was strange that her confidant was a man, but she knew, and she did not know why, that he was different from Harry, and that her secrets would be safe with him.

'He was in so much debt that he procured a loan from one of the unscrupulous officers. This man had discovered early in the war, that there was money to be made from the misery of others. He persuaded Harry that the only way to repay the debts was through me. At first, they just wanted me to steal trinkets belonging to my friends amongst the officer's wives. I tried to refuse, but Harry would just get angry with me.'

Helen felt Ralph's comforting hand tighten around hers. Again, she was grateful that he said nothing. He just sat next to her quietly listening to her story.

'Harry, despite his debts, kept gambling and borrowing even more money. I was unable to keep up with the payments from stealing alone. Then, late one night, Harry came to me in a state. He had been attacked, and his face was black and blue. He told me that his debts were so out of control that if he did not repay them in full, his life was in danger. Even though I felt no love or affection for him anymore, he was still my husband, and I wanted to help him. He told me that there was something I could do, but I wouldn't like it. I assured him I was willing to help, thinking that he wanted me to steal something. I promised him; I would do anything.'

Helen disengaged her hands from Ralph's reassuring grip. She could not bear to feel the rejection that would inevitably come when she told him the truth. Briefly, she thought about stopping her confession or giving him a sanitised version of the truth. However, she had committed herself to a course of action, and she could not turn away from following it through.

'He told me that there was a man outside our tent, and I had to do everything he said. I willingly left, but as soon as I had met the man, I knew there was something wrong. He was well dressed, and I guessed that he was about the same age as Harry. It was a dark night with a new moon, and I could only glimpse his features briefly in the dim light of a nearby campfire. His eyes were hard, and I was frightened by the cold, calculating way he looked at me.'

'I knew I had made a mistake, and I turned around to try and get back into the tent I shared with Harry, but I felt his iron grip around my shoulders, and I knew there was nothing I could do. I tried to scream, but his hand was clamped across my mouth. Harry must have heard the scuffle, and I hoped that he would come out and rescue me. However, he never came.'

Helen stopped and looked at the altar. It felt right that she had made her confession in a church. She was not after absolution; after all, she was not guilty. She just wanted him to understand why she could not be with him. 'I think you know what happened next,' she said, surprised at the strength of her voice. 'I had been sold by my husband, the very person who should have been protecting me, to a man with no morals.'

'The next day, I returned to the tent we shared, I picked up my meagre possessions and left him. I stayed in Spain. I thought about going back to England, but where would I go? I had no family or friends to turn to. And, I knew I would never be able to go to Hidcote and see my son. Lord Brentford would have no pity on the woman he thought had trapped his son into marriage.'

'Any love or affection I had once felt for Harry died that night. I felt nothing for him, not even pity. The only regret I had was losing contact with my son. I thought of going back to him, just to hear word of Georgie, but I knew that would be a mistake. He would have continued to use me as a way of making money to support his gambling habits.'

'In those dark days, I learnt that the only way to survive was to bury those feelings deep inside. I had to divorce myself from my emotions; otherwise, I knew I would die. In all those years, since I left Harry, I successfully buried my feelings deep inside my heart. Until I met you.'

Helen turned around and looked at Ralph. She reached up and touched his cheek with her fingers. 'When I saw you, for the first time on the cliffs, the defences I had spent years building around my heart, began to crumble. You have awoken feelings in me that I have not felt for many years. She looked into his grey eyes that seemed fathomless. 'Now, I have told you about my past. You must see that I cannot marry you. There is too much scandal attached to my name. I would bring you and your family down to my level, and that is something I cannot do.'

He took her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it gently. 'Believe me, I have far worse scandals attached to my name,' he said gently. 'None of this was your own doing.'

'However, you are a titled gentleman, and I'm a widow with a dubious past,' she said sadly, 'society treats our behaviour differently.'

Ralph held both her hands in his and said solemnly, 'the offer is still open. Helen, would you do me the honour of being my wife?'

Helen opened her mouth to refuse, but she felt his lips cover hers in a gentle kiss. 'Don't give me your answer now. Just promise me that you will give my offer due consideration.'

Helen knew that she had to refuse. How could she become the wife of an earl? He needed a bride with a spotless reputation and one who could provide him with an heir.'

Then, like a bolt of lightning from out of the blue, she knew the decision she should take. 'Ralph,' she said, with confidence, 'I will never be able to be your wife.'

'But, Helen...' he began to say before she interrupted him.

'Listen, Ralph,' she said firmly, 'you must let me finish.'

Ralph nodded.

'I will not be your wife. There is nothing you can say that will convince me to change my mind, but I will become your mistress if the offer is still open.'

She could not help but notice the look of surprise in Ralph's eyes. She had refused his offer of becoming his mistress once, why should she change her mind now? Her circumstances had not changed. She had refused him the first time, because of the sake of her son and Lord Brentford's controlling influence through him. However, she could no longer live her life with that fret continually hanging over her head. And, how long would Brentford allow her to continue seeing her son? Her access to him had dwindled over the years to a yearly visit where she could catch a glimpse of him at a distance. She doubted that he would even recognise her.

Helen had to rebuild her life. She had to find some semblance of happiness, and she knew that she would be able to find it with Ralph.

She heard Ralph sigh. 'What about your son?' he said, holding both her hands in his. 'As my mistress, Brentford would never allow you to see him again.'

'I see so little of him, he barely recognises me,' she said, looking candidly into his eyes. 'Ralph, this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I know what is at stake. I will lose the little contact I already have with my son, but I cannot live like this anymore.'

'I had buried my feelings so deeply within my heart, that I had forgotten that they existed. A few days ago, when I first saw you on the cliff's edge, I felt as though I could not live anymore. When you pulled me away from the edge and kissed me, all the love and hate; happiness and fear; passion and misery, came surging back to the surface. It was like opening Pandora's box, and I knew that I would never be able to return them to their prison. I realised that without those emotions, life is not worth living.'

'Ralph,' she said earnestly, 'I know what I am sacrificing, but I am willing to make it for a little happiness. Losing Georgie will break a piece of my heart, but with your help, I will be able to piece it back together.'

'Is there nothing I can say to persuade you to marry me?' Ralph said, lifting his fingers to caress her cheek.

Helen shook her head. 'No,' she said resolutely, 'marriage between us is out of the question.'

'I will take you as my mistress,' he said softly, still caressing her cheek, 'but only because I cannot bear to lose you.'

'You will lose me one day,' she said, a tear escaping down her cheek. 'You will marry, and I will no longer be part of your life.'

'Helen, I will never...'

Helen covered his mouth with her fingers. 'Please, Ralph, do not make promises that you are unable to keep. Not here in this place. I beg you.'

'But, Helen, what about the future.'

'Ralph, you must understand from the beginning, we have no future, only the present.'