Lucas

What a mistake my life has been.

I've been alive for seventeen years but can't make a single decision without feeling my gut twist in guilt.

"So, Mabry."

I run a hand through my face, annoyed by the questions thrown at me by the jocks and popular people of the school. They've held back on asking me what they want to know. They're probably waiting for me to tell them, acting like they haven't been talking behind my back. I know it's mostly about Nikki and I sleeping together. And on the occasion, it's about my rumored crush on Victoria.

"Is it true?"

"What is true?"

I know what they are talking about. Only outcasts are unaware of the kiss I shared with Victoria. The only reason I'm at school today is to talk to Nikki. Unfortunately, she hasn't entered the school. So I've been sitting on the bench outside for about ten minutes now, waiting.

"Look at him acting stupid!" Xavier ruffles my hair.

"Is it true?" Avan asks. "Are you and Victoria together?"

I pause. "Together?" I never imagined they'd think we would be. "We're not together." I lean my back against the bench, using my hands to hold my upper body up. "We're just... friends."

The jocks "oh" as if I dissed her.

"We saw you..." Avan leans his head close, eyes twinkling. "Kissing."

"We're just friends. It was at the heat of the moment." I wave them off.

For her, I mean. She was the one who initiated it. I didn't pull back though.

"I wonder what else they did at the heat of the moment."

This is how rumors get started people.

"Nothing happened." I run a hand through my hair. My insides churn in guilt for what I'm about to say, because after all, even jocks make mistakes. "I kiss a lot of girls. I barely remember it." Even if the mistakes as intentional.

The jocks holler.

"He's talking like a Mabry now!"

"How I wish to be a Mabry!"

"Save some for the rest of us!"

It's loud again. Their faces are excited, shocked, and jealous. They must think I'm finally worth their attention. Anything I do from now on, bad or good, will be remembered for as long as I remain in the spotlight. I try to concentrate on what they are saying but I find myself looking for Nikki.

What if she heard?

Xavier places his arm over my shoulder. "So are you saying she's a bad kisser?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

"I'll stay silent."

The jocks cry out once more, pushing and pulling each other like the animals they are are. Or am I? After all, at this very moment, I feel different. Logan described popularity as something so generically terrific. I thought I would understand when I made it to his level but I feel like an outsider. Is that what he meant?

The bell rings.

The jocks punch and push my body as they enter the building. I stay in my spot as the regret of my words hit.

Victoria will hear about this. There is no way she won't. This must be... the second? Third? Fourth mistake? How am I supposed to fix something already out of hand? She'll hate me for sure.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Carter?" I furrow my eyebrows. "What are you doing here?"

"It's a Monday morning so... school."

"Right." I sigh.

"You realize we are very late to class?"

I shrug. What's the point? Nikki probably knows about the kiss. Victoria will hear what I said about her. And Julian will be angry with me. And Carter...

"Did you hear anything?" I peer up at him.

"About?" Carter places his foot on the bench and dusts off his shoes.

"The kiss."

"Yeah. Congrats." Carter doesn't look happy.

"You don't seem to be in a congratulatory mood."

"Nikki isn't responding to my messages." He frowns. "I think I did something wrong."

Unable to conceal my jealousy, I stand up and head towards the entrance of the school. His footsteps follow after me.

"You seen her?"

"At her house twice," is what I should have said but instead I shake my head.

"I guess it was weird to ask you. You hate her so much." Carter sighs, as if relieved. "I guess I'll head to English now."

"You have creative writing."

"That's what I said."

I purse my lips. "Okay, Carter." I give up.

I watch as Carter sprints toward the direction of his class, knocking into other late students. I continue towards the direction of my locker. But as I close in, I realize there is a familiar mop of black hair by the lockers. And it has it's hand around her shoulder.

It's Wyatt and Nikki. Hugging. He has his arm around her while her head is lying against his chest. Wyatt, as if sensing me, turns his head. Upon confirming it's me, he winks and moves his arms to her waist.

My body tells me to pull them apart. To hurt Wyatt and possibly murder him. But, in the back of my twisted mind, I'm hoping it's because of me.

Is it wrong to wish she's sad about the kiss?

"Feeling better, babe?" Wyatt asks but his teasing eyes are pinned on me.

Nikki looks up at him. I can't see her face but based on their position, she isn't in a happy mood. She nods and they pull away. Wyatt makes sure to keep his hand on her upper back while watching my reaction.

"We should head to class." Her tone of voice is soft. "I can't get detention this week."

Wyatt grins and grabs her backpack. "Sure. Let's sit at the back today." He wiggles his eyebrows, taunting me.

Nikki turns her heel.

Suddenly alarmed, I hide at the side of the lockers and pin myself against them. The coconut and soap scent linger in the air. I try to open my eyes and get a last glimpse. However, my eyes refuse to open.

The school day passes by slowly. I find myself searching for her during lunch but it goes without avail. Victoria, fortunately, isn't at school today. Julian and Carter were trying to get me to text her but I couldn't bring myself to. As hard as it is to admit, after the kiss, we didn't talk. We walked out the mall, I drove to her house, and dropped her off. She didn't even turn around to say goodbye.

"So let me get this straight." Mrs. Adler clears her throat. "You are sick and can't come to detention?" I hear shuffling at the other side of the phone.

"Yes." I try to sound confident in my answer. For added effect, I cough.

"Why do I hear the engine of a car?"

"Because I'm in my car?" I can't lie to Mrs. Adler. I know I make jokes about Nikki being a witch but my suspicions are big on Mrs. Adler.

"And why are you on a car? You're not skipping on purpose are you?"

I stay silent.

"Okay. Fine."

"Really?" I inwardly punch myself.

"Sure. You've done a great job of helping Darren and Nikki. Besides, Darren can handle this afternoon by himself."

I hum as my eyes catch sight of Nikki getting inside her car.

"But, promise me you won't do anything stupid."

"Stupid?" I question. "Can you say that?"

Mrs. Adler is silent on the other line. "I think so." More shuffling. "I just want to make sure you guys are safe. Nikki and you... I'm assuming."

Is she watching us from the library windows?

"Don't look at the windows!"

My heart beat increases. Nikki's car roars to life. After a few seconds, her car reverses out her parking space.

"She's going through a rough time right now. Just be careful."

Witch.

I guess she knows about the kiss. But why am I excited? I shake off the feeling and put my car in reverse. "I will." My voice wavers.

"Good. See you tomorrow!" She ends the call.

Nikki's a slow driver, or rather, a driver who follows the speed limit. The car ride is around ten minutes long. She pulls outside a stone building, parking in the spot closest to it. The building is bizarre. It has no doors, there is no sign, and all you can see is green overgrown grass around it. I would say it's a restricted place but it has no signs that say so.

I park my car two rows away and watch her climb out her car.

Even from this far, I am able to spot her blank expression. Her hands join together in a polite fist and she walks inside with a thick, black hoodie in her arms.

Unable to conceal my curiosity, I climb out my car. I search my backpack for my grey sweatshirt and place is over my shaking shoulders. I grab my black cap and pull my hair out of my face before placing it on top of my head. My feet move quickly towards the building.

I place my sweaty hands inside my front pockets and stop at the entrance. Sighing heavily, I tilt my head to get a look inside.

My eyes connect with Nikki's.

Without thinking, I pull my head back and scream. I scream for about ten seconds, nonstop. My beating heart makes my insides scream louder. I hear her footsteps stop beside me. And her eyes at the side of my face.

"I can hear you." She doesn't sound happy. "And see you."

"Um..."

"Did you follow me?"

This would be the perfect time to become one with the wall.

"Just because your eyes are closed, it doesn't mean I can't see you."

My hand scratches the back of my neck as I open my eyes. "R - right." A loud, nervous laugh comes out my mouth.

Nikki sighs. Her hands reach towards my head. Scared, I close my eyes and wait for the hit. However, all I feel is a breeze flow through my hair.

"It's rude." She places the cap in my hand and walks inside. "Follow me."

Reluctantly, I follow behind her.

The inside is made of marble. Everything is. It's full of rows of marble squares. The squares have engraved writing in large letters.

"It's a cemetery." Her voice echoes.

It looks bland on the outside but in the inside, it looks very expensive.

Nikki nods and stops in front of the largest marble square. The engraved writing says "David & Marie Young" in capital letters. Under the names, it says "Beloved Aunt & Uncle" in smaller, lowercase letters. And under that, it has two different beginning dates but the same ending dates.

Never heard of them.

"It's my parents, Mabry."

"Oh." I place my hands inside my jeans. "OH!" Buffoon! I take a step back, panicking internally. Goosebumps rise on my skin as the words of Mrs. Adler come back to me.

She's not sad about the kiss. She's sad about the anniversary of her parent's death!

She holds up her finger, her eyes staring at the letters. "If you're going to be here, let's be quiet for a couple minutes." Her eyes close.

She doesn't look sad. There is no sign of dried tears, she isn't sniffling, and worst of all, she looks... normal.

"Don't look at me."

My head turns to the front. While being careful to breath silently, my eyes analyze the large letters. They are elegant with their curved and twisted ends, contradictory to how the owners died. They died by their own hands. Though, I think it can be argued the haters were at fault for their deaths.

Rumors are more harmful than people think. I was made fun of by Logan so much, people spread rumors that I was a pushover. He was quick to defend me but the feeling of being a "nobody" is still fresh on my mind.

And I did it to somebody. Or two. But I couldn't stop. The lies felt natural to me and even gave me a thrill of being the center of attention. Everyone wanted to hear what I wanted to say. They were eager and it made me feel important. But now, all I have left is guilt.

I can't imagine what her mother or father felt.

"Let's go." Nikki brushes her shoulders against mine as she heads towards the entrance.

"Oh!" I look at the marble square and than at Nikki's retreating back. Without thinking, I bow as a sign of respect and fast walk behind her.

"So," Nikki glances back at me. "You followed me?" Her feet stop moving. After a couple seconds, she turns her whole body to face me.

Reluctantly, I nod. The fire inside me travels to my face.

The corners of her lips curl upwards. "I was a little scared when I noticed you in the review mirror. And than I remembered Logan saying you were inexperienced with girls." Her lips twitch.

"What?!" My face burns. "When did he say that?!"

"A long time ago."

Idiot. I close my eyes in embarrassment. "Whatever." I open my eyes to narrow them. "If you're trying to distract me, it isn't working."

"From what?" Her eyes fall on the floor.

"Your parents."

"Are you still on that?" She rolls her eyes. "I thought boys didn't like talking about feelings."

Right! My fist slams against my palm. "We're better listeners." Doubt. I fall asleep when Logan rambles about his love life.

She nods. Her eyes travel to the stone building, from top to bottom, and side to side. She opens her mouth but closes it as soon as she does.

If I knew how to console her, I would. Not because it's nice but because I want to.

Her hand moves her hair behind her ear. "Tell me something." Her eyes blink rapidly, as if to hold back her tears.

My insides churn. Not in the I'll - eat - anything - in - my - way but in the I - feel - bad way.

"I don't know. I'm - I'm sorry."

"How about..." Her lips move to the side. "... The kiss?" She isn't looking at me anymore.

My heart thumps. It thumps in a way which makes my heart hurt and my stomach to suddenly... drop.

"Why do you look like that?"

My eyes rise in surprise. There's something different about her voice. But from looking at her face, I can't figure out what it is.

Her head tilts to the side. "You look sick." Her eyes waver. Without saying anything else, she moves past me and walks toward her car.

My feet follow her movements. Her hands reach for the handle of her door.

"Are you okay to drive?"

"Yeah." She opens the door. "I'm thinking about what to cook. My dad wants chicken but my mom wants meat. And they are..." She exhales. "They are obviously very different."

Oh! My hands reach behind to grab the dangling plastic cloth from my back pocket. Confirming it's pink, I hand her the apron I had on when we cooked together.

Her eyes light up. "My dad was asking me about it! I think he knew you had it on when we were pushing you out the door." Her hands grasp it tightly against her body. Her eyes, though dark, seem to be looking at it fondly.

"Thanks." She climbs inside her car. "My dad told me to tell you he is confident in his masculinity and you should be too."

"Seriously?"

"Yep." Her lips breathe out a soft chortle.

I laugh nervously.

Help.

She buckles in her seat belt, turns the key in the ignition, and lowers the music. Halfway through closing the door, her light eyes connect with mine.

She smiles. "Text me next time. I'll answer." Her tight lipped smile opens to show her rows of teeth.

My lips curl upwards in glee. "Cool." I place my hands inside my pockets.

Her door closes.