NORMAN

"Norman, this is Unc. He lives in our basement flat. Unc, this is our good friend Norman. Please excuse me while I just go get your porter. Norm?"

"Yeah, I'll have the same thanks"  I nod back distractedly.

Did he just say....Unc?

When I peer towards the older gent, his faded blue eyes are already giving me a very intent going over. He finished packing his pipe and tucked it into the corner of his lips.

"Are ye one of Win's friends then....or another Champagne Charlie dragged in by our Ed? If yer the latter, then ye'll get no sympathy from me lad. Ye'll be out on yer arse with naught but a flea in yer ear for yer troubles."

Hubert's accent holds more than a touch of the New York twang in it. Whereas Unc's brogue is thick, musical and all Irish.

"Ummmm, well Win is my lawyer Unc....but they're both good pals. Champagne Charlie?"

"Gobshites, the feckin lot of em!  What with their fancy cars and waving around them bottles of Clicket while shovelling fooey grass muck down their throats. I swear our Ed enjoys being a tormenting little fecker. Inviting them over and trying to play matchmaker."

"Ahhhh  yer a good lad, Winston....ta muchly."

Win bought in our glasses and we all tilt them before drinking.

"Ye don't look like a tosser though, Norm me boyo. And there must be some Irish in ye, if yer got a taste for the stout?"

"Few generations back on my Mom's side. And I've got a taste for a lot of things. Though I'm partial to beer and pizza. So how long have you been in New York then, Unc?"

"Just gone fifty years now, though I started off in Texas. Had visions of being a cowboy like me little brother. Miserable failure. So I went north for three years instead to seek me fortune."

"Miserable failure....how?"

"Horses! Them feckers are thick as manure and not even half as useful."

He burst into cackles of laughter and we joined in, only stopping when I heard the lounge doors slide open.

Unlucky contestant number one in the new gameshow 'Let's Pick a Bride - a Reedus Production'  is just about to show herself.

"Ahhhh, here's me little divil...."

*

Win stayed pretty tight-lipped earlier. No matter how hard I tried to get the low down on his other dinner guest.

"I don't want to sway you either way, Norm. I'd rather you make up your own mind, much as you'd do when meeting any other girl for the first time. All I will say is, that it could  be mutually beneficial for the both of you. Well....more than the both of you but that's beside the point."

"Stop talking in riddles, Win. Just spit it out."

"She's not American. Lost her work visa when the company she was working for got sold. And now she only has six months to get another one."

"But if you both figure something out and get married? Then you'll get a wife to help run defence. And she'll get residency. Can work again....as well as stay in the States."

"Ok, so we'll be doing each other a favour then. But what's she really like? "

"Lovely and down to earth, definitely not a show pony. And a bit of a 'dag'  as she calls herself. She's very sweet"  He nodded to himself and smiled.

'Shit....well that's strike one against her then'  I huffed to myself. No way is this one gonna work out. Cos like I said before, 'sweet'  isn't something that sits well with me.

In fact, that'll just about be my worst nightmare....and bore me to tears I reckon.

But you're looking for a prospective fake wife for a year. Not a lifelong love and soulmate you idiot!

Yeah, but I'll still have to put up with her. Pretend that we're head over heels for each other. Will be easier to do that if we have some  things in common?

Plus she'll have to cope with a fair bit of shit from the worst of my fans. And I doubt some simpering, smiling 'sweet'  little thing will fit the bill.

*

'Well, Norm....get this over and done with. And then you can get serious....start looking for some real contenders'  I thought as Win rose from his chair.

He strode across the room and engulfed the new arrival.

"Put me down, you great big eejit....I'm not feckin Play-Doh!"  Squeaks of muffled laughter rang out from under his arms.

"Come meet my favourite client and friend, Norman. Norm, this is Finleigh Gallagher. Better known as Fin. Unc's grandniece from Australia and....our darling girl."

Diving forward on auto-pilot I reached out. Grabbed hold of two slightly shaking arms and kissed a chilled cheek before pulling back.

What the fu....Oh....OH!

Hearing a little intake of breath I peered down. And a beautiful pair of jewel-flecked eyes gazed back at me. Filling with the shock that must be mirrored in my own.

Don't know if Fin's cheeks were red from the freezing cold outside or from blushing? Teeth gripped her bottom lip....chewing on it unconsciously as her eyelids started to blink rapidly.

"Don't mind Norman. He kisses everyone, Fin"  Eddie's laugh rang out.

"Oi, the fecker didn't kiss me!"  Unc yelled plaintively from the couch.

"Hey, Fin. Sorry if I startled you but Eddie's right. I don't know if you remember....?"  I gave her a tentative smile, but she quickly cut me off mid-sentence.

"Ummmm  that's Ok, no need to apologise. It's lovely to meet you....Norman."

Her response throws me a bit. Because I know damn well by the look on her face that she recognises me and does  remember. So why pretend otherwise?

Another huge point notches itself up against her. I was just about to call her out on it when Win ushered her away.

"You must be an ice-block, dearest. Look at you....you're shaking like a leaf. Come over to the fire and thaw out a bit. The usual?"

Fin nodded to Win then made her way past me with a tiny smile. Stopped in front of Unc and bent down to lay a kiss on his cheek. He growled and swatted her away like a fly.

"Git away with yer....little divil."

"And a warm hello to you too, Unc. So, you complain because Norman didn't kiss you. Yet bitch when I do? There's just no pleasing some people, is there?"

She gave me a small wink before settling down by the fireplace. Took the knitted beanie off her head and shook out her hair until it tumbled wildly around her face.

Shaking myself, I plant my backside down on a chair. Take a good, long look at her while she listens patiently to Unc. When he launched into a story about beating some guy's ass in a park.

Fin's hair is longer but still silky. It slid through her fingers as she tugged and twisted it behind her long neck. It isn't black as I'd first thought, but a really deep and dark chocolatey brown.

She's wearing desert boots, jeans and a soft bluey-grey cardigan on top of a jumper. All of which make her skin and the colours in her eyes pop.

Again, that feeling of regret washes through me. When her mouth opens wide and a peal of laughter rings out.

'Looks mean nothing, Norm my man. What's inside is way more important'  I scold myself. Mere seconds before she almost bats herself out of the ballpark with a third strike.

"Unc....didn't I throw those bloody shoes out? Where are the new ones I got you for winter?"  Her eyes widened when Unc stretched his legs out in front of her.

"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph. Yer naught but a wee feckin harpy!  I'm wearing them in still. Besides, there's nothing wrong with these....still plenty of life left in em yet."

"Life? They need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! The soles are hanging on for grim death and there's a hole so big? I could complete the crossword of the New York Times you've lined them with."

"Honestly....Useless! "

Her eyes rolled as he cackled evilly back at her. But I was a fair bit shocked. And my thoughts make their somewhat indignant way out into the open.

"That's a bit disrespectful, Fin....calling him useless?"  I rebuked her.

"Ummmm, sorry Norman. But it's not what you think, honest...."  She started, eyebrows drawing into a tiny frown of concern as she peeped up at me.

"Now don't ye be getting upset on my account, boyo. We may give each other shite at times but I wouldn't have it any other way. And it's me name, well....near enuff."

Unc leant over to pinch her lightly on the nose before tenderly stroking a cheek.

"When Fin was a tiny tot, she couldn't say me real one....Eustace that is. Started off as Uncie Useless, then Uncie and now just Unc. Useless  only comes out when I goad her into it."

"Oh....Oh shit....sorry"  I splutter, taking a huge gulp of beer to hide my embarrassment at reading her all wrong....yet again.

"Unc, can you please give us a hand in the kitchen for a minute?"  Eddie called out, and the old feller shuffled his way from the room.

*

"As always? Ed's about as subtle as a sledgehammer"  Fin's sigh was one of exasperation as her eyes closed and she shook her head in resignation.

"Well, Norman....our chaperones have all gone now. And if past experience is anything to go by? We'll have at least ten uninterrupted minutes....to get the speed dating over and done with."

"Would you mind if I have a mouthful of that? I doubt mine will be coming out anytime soon and I'm parched."

"I take it this is a regular occurrence for you then?"  I pass over my glass with a grin.

Tapped at my top lip after she took a couple of gulps. Fin had herself a nice little stout moustache going on and she licked it away like a cat before answering.

Shoulda grabbed the opportunity to lick it away myself....  😖

"Oh, I'd say Eddie has given it his best shot at least....twice a month for just over a year now? Some will say his optimism and tenacity are admirable. But I've had my patience well and truly tested. And the results keep coming back as negative."

"That's an awful lotta prospectives. What was wrong with them?"  I bark out in laughter.

"What makes you think the fault lay on their side? For all you know....they might've been victims of my standards. Or I simply bored the tits off them. The jury is still out."

"Oooops, sorry....I got a bit carried away there"  She grinned in apology, before handing over my now mostly empty glass.

I toss back the last inch and settle comfortably in my chair. The feelings of empathy make me relax even more. I have a yardstick as well that I use to measure women against.

Quite unfairly in Fin's case so far, I have to admit.

"So, these standards of yours then. Did those guys fail to reach the mark or overachieve?"

"Oh, most definitely the latter. In fact, I swear they blistered their palms....massaging their egos in the process. Ok, my turn to ask you  a question now."

"Why did you get so pissed off after Win introduced us? When I pretended like we hadn't met before."

My face had scrunched itself up in laughter once more. Which died out as suddenly as it started.

Shit!

Obviously, I didn't do a good job of masking the look on my face. Just as I'm doing an equally miserable job now. In hiding my amazement....that Fin had even noticed it.

And actually wants me to tell her why?

"Yeah, I was a bit pissed. Cos to me pretense is kinda dishonest, you know? And I hate dishonesty. Why'd you do it, Fin?"

Jeez....you're one hell of a fucking hypocrite Reedus.

How on earth can you even dare to call her out? Get all preachy over such a small thing....

When you yourself are just about ready to embark on the biggest lie of your goddamn life!

"You're right, I shouldn't have done it. I just didn't want to embarrass you again....but that's no excuse. I'm sorry, Norman."

That tiny frown of hers is back again, but this time it's one of shame.

"Embarrass me? "  My grin is rueful.

"Shit, Fin. I'm the only one who can pull that off. Hey, whaddya you mean....again?"

"Well....if Eddie finds out we've met before? He'll demand to know the whole story. And going by the look on your face when you took off down the street that day? You'll be mortified all over again. He'll make that  his life's mission."

"Can't do that to you....no matter how enticing."

"Next time, sweetheart? Don't even think twice. Just give in to temptation. You won't be the first and certainly not the last."

"Next time? So....you're planning on embarrassing yourself again are you?"  Her smile had slowly made its way back and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Fuck yeah, that's an absolute certainty!"  I hoot, sliding out of my chair and planting my butt down near her feet.

"Reckon we've got about two minutes left, Fin. And it's my turn to ask again. Tell me, do you like...."  I start eagerly.

"Dinner is served. Oh I'm soooo  sorry, kiddies....did I interrupt something?"

Eddie waltzed in with a look of apology on his face that was as fake as my last girlfriend's tits.

"Quit it with the act, Little Miss Innocence! I told Norman what you're up to, so no more games. Now where's my bloody beer? We're both dying of thirst here!"

My eyes caught Eddie's and the look in his spoke volumes.

When Fin finds out that she's  the one who's actually auditioning....my sacrificial lamb so to speak? Well, postal might just be a bit of an understatement.

How about we aim for nuclear instead?

*

Haven't laughed or even talked so much in ages, especially about myself. Usually, I just sit back and listen to the conversations swirling around me. But Win and Ed always make me feel so much at home that I couldn't help but join in.

I jumped a bit when Unc nudged me in the ribs. Was nearly pissing myself laughing as he's been giving Fin non-stop shit again and she'd bitten back.

"I'm telling yer, Norm. She's a wee feckin harpy, this one. And don't ye believe it if she tries convincing yer otherwise. When yer marry this little divil? Ye'll have me sincere condolences, me boyo."

"USELESS!"

That set me off into gales again.

Fin almost choked and Win patted her back. Though I think it might've been more in commiseration than to make her beer go down the right way.

Reckon Unc has a fair bit of fey going on himself, that's for sure.

*

The meal was delish as usual and we all stuffed ourselves silly. Began groaning when Ed bought out two plates full of cake for dessert.

"What's this about then, dearest? What're the signs for?"  Win asked, flicking a finger at the 'A'  and 'B'  flags adorning each.

"I gave Fin my recipe for Vietnamese Honey Cake. Told her she had to make one for tonight. What she didn't know is....you're all going to be judging which one is the best. So eat up. And choose wisely, darling "  His smile did nothing to conceal the veiled threat.

Poor Win  😱

He looks like a condemned man who's about to eat his last meal.

"They're both awesome, bud. But if I have to choose? Then it's B for me"  I can't look at Eddie, cos I'm too fucking scared.

"Don't feckin ask me, lad. Ye know I've got no feckin tastebuds left. If yer insist....A then"  Unc grumped, stuffing another piece in his mouth.

"And what's your verdict....darling? "

Ed stood behind Fin's chair, staring intently at his husband. Whose vote will decide the winner in more ways than one.

For the first time since I arrived? There's a deathly silence.

Win looks like he's being strapped into the electric chair. The fear coming off him now is palpable as he squints around at our faces in desperation.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the tiniest of movements. Fin slowly raises her right hand just above the dining table, where Eddie won't see it. Carefully points a finger to....

The plate that's lettered 'A'.

"I don't know how you can even ask me, dearest? The answer is as obvious as the nose on my face. It's 'A'....naturally!"

Thank fuck for that!

Marital bliss has been retained. And someone  will be getting a second helping of dessert later on tonight, I'm betting.

Win's huge body sagged in relief when Ed dived and smothered his head with delighted kisses.

I peep over at Fin again. Watch while her face slowly lit up with that fucking awesome smile, as she gazed happily at the both of them.

Yeah, Win's right. She is  sweet. However, I've also learnt some other huge lessons tonight. And one of them is a biggie.

Sweet doesn't always equal boring. Far from it!

Maybe, just maybe....she'll be able to hold her own in my world?

But putting up with shit from friends and family is NOTHING  compared to what she'll be exposed to from absolute strangers. And the press will delve into her life and make it all public. Just like they already do to me.

Hell! I barely even know Fin myself....do I?

*

"Whoever you choose, Norman? She has to be able to stand up for herself. And she can only do that, knowing that you have her  back as well. You'll be aware of what she's getting into, but she certainly won't. And it might be more than a bit overwhelming."

Helena voiced her concerns to me when I told her, Paul and Mingus yesterday. That I've decided to go full steam ahead with Plan AAA+.

"We'll do whatever we can to help out too, mate. Though I gotta agree with Hel. This girl is gonna take a lot of flak from some of your fans. And....well I know we all kinda talked you into it? But we just didn't think about the logistics of it all I suppose."

"Or the downstream effects"  Paul added.

"It'll be Ok, Dad. Best friends....remember?  Best friends always  look out for each other"  Ming nodded knowingly.

"Yeah, pal. They sure do don't they?"

I'd wrapped him up in a bear hug and kissed him. Giving a watery smile over his head to Helena. Who leaked a fair bit back.

Ok, Norm! So it's gonna be all ass about. But why not follow Win's suggestion?

If you give him the go-ahead, he'll take her off for a little while. Give her the lowdown and eventually put the idea to her. 

Then if she's interested? You'll take over from there. Make the time and get to know each other.

Ease her into your life over the next couple of months and become friends, just like Ming said.

I've pretty much cleared my calendar until I'm due to go back to Georgia in May. So I can give this new venture the proper attention it deserves.

Four months....that should do it?

Then and only then? Well....I guess we'll both take the final plunge.

Simple, huh?

*

When Fin stood to help Eddie clear the table, I tug on Win's shirt sleeve to get his attention.

Take a deep breath....

And silently gave him the big thumbs up again.