the truth about alcoholism,

is that i don't how to spell the word right

without spell-check.

and the truth about not knowing how to spell

alcoholism right,

is that what they teach in health class

about alcoholism

they don't even teach you enough

to spell it right.

and the truth about health class

teaching about alcoholism

is that i sat through it,

and my mom is an alcoholic,

and i know so very much about

alcoholism--

that i don't want to know--

yet i don't even know how to spell it right.

and i'm sick--

i'm fucking drained--

from the ignorant stigma

that encases it.

(alcoholism).

because i've heard

so many stories in health class,

so many jokes at school,

so many dumb posts on tumblr,

and so many memes on instagram,

that think they know anything about alcoholism.

they don't.

but i do.

and i'm going to clear it up.

alcoholism:

is coming home to your mom's

when you're seven years old,

and seeing the pantry bare

from anything except half a box of poptarts

and a few nature valley granola bars,

because your mom

spent all her money

at festivals liquor section.

alcoholism:

is being scared when your mom

comes home that night,

because you don't know

if she's going to

scream at you

for one hour and fifty-six minutes straight,

or bring home a new tee-shirt for you

because that's her apology for last week.

alcoholism:

is watching your dog get screamed at,

watching your poor dog

get pushed out of the kitchen, out of the house,

into the back yard.

watching this happen because

he wanted pets

because he was happy to see your mom come home.

alcoholism:

is getting pinned down into your kitchen table chair,

having your mom's breath so close to your face

when she questions you

that you can smell the chardonnay.

you can smell that horrid drink,

and you feel it in the pit of your stomach.

because you're nine years old,

and you're pinned down onto a chair

for the twenty minutes that feels like twenty hours,

getting yelled at and questioned

because you told your mom

that you don't think your dad is a horrible person,

and she's screaming into your face

why he is.

alcoholism:

is getting called out of class

in third grade,

having to walk down to the office and meet with a strange man.

your dad told you

this man was here to help you.

that if you told him

exactly what you told dad,

that things could get better.

and you talked to this man,

and you told him the truth,

and you didn't know this man

wasn't genuinely interested in your life,

but that he was getting paid thousands on thousands of dollars,

to be your lawyer,

to try and put your mom into rehab.

alcoholism:

is when your sister resents you

for the first twelve years of your life,

because she lost her childhood

in having to play mom for you,

because your mom couldn't do it herself.

alcoholism:

is when you're in high school,

seeing your little brother

cry himself to sleep.

you go into his room,

after mom goes outside to smoke,

maybe sneak a sip of chardonnay

(it's her very favorite).

you tell him:

everything will be alright,

mom loves you,

i love you,

love you,

i do,

it will be okay,

she's just being a little weird,

i love you.

but you know,

just minutes before

that he was getting screamed at,

getting torn apart from the inside out,

and that you heard from your room,

when he begged for mom to stop.

and you know,

he cries himself to sleep,

a lot more than any little boy should have to.

you're so helpless.

alcoholism:

is coming home

to your mom

passed out on the chair in the living room.

and you shake her

and you shake and scream and cry for her to wake up,

but she doesn't.

so you go to your room.

and you lay in bed and wait for your little brother to come home,

and for your big sister to get home from work,

because you're scared of being alone.

alcoholism:

is messing around with your siblings,

teasing wrestling,

joking and laughing.

until your mom takes it seriously.

and she takes it too far.

and your older sister gets punched,

so that your mom can show her strength,

so that she can feel superior again,

so that she can feel in control.

but she punched her daughter to do that.

you had to watch it happen.

your sister getting punched by your mom?

you watching.

you won't forget it.

you love your sister.

alcoholism:

is getting ready to go to a friends

and sleepover.

so you take your duffle bag out of your closet.

and when you open that bag,

you find it packed full of mini chardonnay bottles.

just like last month

when you found a bottle of

big chardonnay

under the sink.

and you know,

this is bad.

because now,

you're in fifth grade and your mom got out of rehab a year and a half ago,

and you're scared it's starting again.

but you take those bottles,

shoved into a walmart bag,

and you put them into a bag for dad's

where going in a few days.

because you have now been taught to be sneaky,

and to go against your mom,

and to not be a daughter, but to be a spy.

and you know those bottles will get her in big trouble.

alcoholism:

is going to school the next day,

and at recess beginning to cry

in front of all your friends.

and you just can't stop.

and they don't know why,

because you've never told anyone.

and so,

you tell your closest friend,

shannon,

whose family knows you better than you'd like to admit,

and who you know will keep quiet,

that your mom

drinks, and that she started again

and that you're betraying her

and you hate yourself for it.

alcoholism:

is telling your mom,

you refuse to live with her anymore,

at the age of eleven.

it's when she grabs you by your arm,

and she squeezes it so tight,

and you think she's a cobra,

not a human,

and you think she's going to kill you.

alcoholism:

is having to pack that day,

with her watching you,

and telling you that she loves you,

and that she knows you hate her,

but that she still loves you.

and you try and tell her you love her too,

but she says you don't, because you love your dad more.

and so you continue packing,

with your older sister helping,

and your younger brother

peeking through the door but to scared to come in.

and you pack everything you own,

and you sit in the driveway

waiting for dad,

with your sister and brother.

and you tell abbey you love her,

because she lives with your mom full time,

and you don't know how long it will be until you see her again.

and you hug jack,

and tell him you love him,

and you want to say so much more but you can't.

because your voice is gone and your stomach is raging

and you're dizzy and tired and you think everyone is going to die

and you don't realize you're having a panic attack

but you are.

you think you're drowning

and you think you'll never see abbey again,

and you think jack won't love you

and you think your mom hates you,

and you think your mom's family,

will never talk to you again,

and then you think,

the sky is getting closer to the ground.

alcoholism:

is getting picked up

by your dad and his best friend,

kevin.

kevin is your second dad,

and they both say they love you,

but they have to go get the boat docked,

they just left it in the water,

to come get you.

and so you get dropped off at kevin's,

with his family who babysat you growing up,

where your best friend is and you feel more at home here,

more safe,

than with your mom.

and you go to the backyard,

with katie,

because you two are like sisters and the parents

thought she would distract you from it all.

but truth is you just had more panic attacks,

and you ended up puking,

all over her pretty grass.

so you apologized and

the sky got closer.

alcoholism:

is later that year,

when you have to go to the doctors,

because you have a rash on your palms and

arches of your feet,

and in between your toes.

the doctor gives you cream for it,

so that it doesn't keep drying up the bubbles,

and cracking open to bleed.

and she tells your dad this is a physical sign

of severe anxiety,

and that this is caused by going through traumatic stress,

that you've developed something close to ptsd,

and that you need to stop being so stressed and anxious,

because it's very unhealthy now.

alcoholism:

is not being able to fit enough stories,

into this seven page poem,

because you still have so many more

clawing at your chest

making it hard to breathe,

but you've already made a seven page poem.

alcoholism:

is having felt unstable your entire life,

and being afraid nothing will ever feel safe.

because you don't know when your mom will relapse,

and you don't know when she will scream and yell and call you things

like bitch,

like mean to her,

like judgmental

and a lair.

and you don't know

and you don't know

and you don't know

so you spend your whole life,

wondering what the next day with her will be like.