Transgender - Crystal Castles

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          I WAS FROZEN—COMPLETELY encompassed by a dread so glacial, I could see my breath become vapor. As if my fiery soul had frozen over within the icy confinement of my horrified mind, watching helplessly as my reality ruptured into the shatters I desperately tried to cling onto.

Yet, no matter how still I remained, all eyes fell on me.

"Ame?" Janson repeated again, staring through my soul as if attempting to read my own instincts.

It felt like I was punched.

Gutted with a silver knife, wielded of fire and ice, I had no backbone to rise. My incredulity stirred me so deep that it felt as if I were being sliced apart—completely dismembered—and to protect my trembling mind from the ongoing trauma, everything became one blur of icy shock and pale thought. My production of thought had halted, like my brain cells went on strike and refused to work, and all I could do was feel.

And all I felt was shock.

"Ame?" Chuck's voice anchored me.

Yanking my disoriented mind out of the frosty void I was snared in, my billowing gaze fell to the boy across from me.

He continued, stammering with nerves, "Y-You get to go to...to the safe place."

The boy had his eyebrows knitted with fear, his pink stitches crinkling with his quivering expression as he stammered like the child he really was.

I hesitated again, my heart panging in both terror and sadness.

"I-I—"

"Ame," Janson addressed me directly, his hands, with the list, lowering as a small smile crept across his thin lips, "Won't you join us at the front, please?"

"Uh..."

I turned to Newt—my voice of reason. He appeared just as bewildered as I felt. His mouth agape, his large coffee-coloured eyes landed on me in disbelief, his irises swirling with an emotional cocktail of wist and reluctance.

Newt gripped my hand, holding me so firm to keep me from slipping through his solicitous fingers.

I thought he was going to tell me to stay.

Instead, he cracked a small smile which didn't reach his attentive eyes, joking for my sake and my sake only. "I...guess the snuggles can wait?" Newt forced an ironic chuckle.

My heart sank at that. I don't want to leave.

I turned to Janson. "Um...can I...opt out of this one, please? I'd rather wait." Words fumbled out of my mouth with a panicked laugh.

"Miss Ame, this is the opportunity everyone here's been waiting for." Ratman gave me a look.

I frantically searched for words, my heart rapidly thumping against my chest. I gestured to the room and spoke, "Then someone else can go."

As if on cue, almost every teenager in the room raised their eager hands, jutting their limbs towards the ceiling like shooting stars to the endless skies. Some excited gasped escaped their mouths as some fidgeted in their seats to keep themselves from standing.

There were so many other eager people, but Janson just smiled and shook his head.

"Unfortunately, there's a specific unbiased list I have to follow. And your name is on it." He drawled on, each word lingering on his tongue like a mocking song.

"If she doesn't wanna go then she doesn't wanna go." Minho exclaimed, a deep frown creasing his face.

I nodded at Minho's statement but was cut off by Thomas.

"Minho." My brother hissed. Then, facing my disinclined frown, Thomas gripped my shoulders, saying the very thing I thought he would be against, "You should go."

"What?" I sputtered.

"Ame can't go. What about the things you saw?" Frypan whispered, appearing just as defensive and unsure as the rest of my friends—the other Gladers confused as to why I wouldn't accept this "amazing" opportunity.

Thomas gapped at him, his jaw jittering as he fought for the right words, a plan broadening behind the honey horizons of his gaze, the gears shifting into place.

I watched him in a mixture of curiosity and fraught, wondering what disastrous plan he was concocting.

"No, Ame should go." A voice came from my left.

My eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment as I twisted around to face the bold blonde.

"Newt..." Chuck trailed off, baffled.

"What'd you mean, shuckface? If what Thomas says is true—" Winston spoke up for me, his thick brows knitted into one.

"And if it's not?" Newt interrupted, questioning Thomas' theory. Everyone in our group went silent, knowing that all we wanted was to be in a place safe from harm. My boyfriend gazed down at me, captivating my anxiety-ridden eyes.

Then, he gathered me in his arms.

"If there's a chance of you being in a safer place, then I'll take it. As much as I want you to stay, I'd rather you be safe. I don't know what's behind those doors and I know you have your reservations. But the moment you see something that don't look right, talk to Tommy. You're a strong girl. I want to protect you as much as I can but I know you can do a far better job than I can. If it isn't what we think, fight. And we'll get outta here. Do you hear me?" Newt whispered in hushed but frantic tones, squeezing me like he didn't want me to leave.

I nodded feverishly, my time waning as I could hear Janson's foot tapping, impatiently. "Okay." I breathed.

Newt kissed my temple, uttering with final, wistful words, "I'll see you soon."

I gulped, trying to believe it.

"I-I'll see you soon."

He pulled away like pulling gum from hair—reluctant and painfully, affection seeping from his wide dubious eyes. Yet, before I could have a chance to long for Newt's hold and touch again, Thomas quickly embraced me next.

"Keep your eyes open. Tell me everything you see. Stay sharp in there, okay? If things go haywire, you let me know. And we'll get you out of there." Thomas whispered instructions in my ear.

"How?" I breathed, absorbing every word spoken to me.

Thomas shook his head over my shoulder. "I don't know. But we'll figure it out. I promise, nothing bad is gonna happen to you."

Hesitantly, I nodded, "Okay."

He squeezed me tighter, "Be safe. We'll see each other soon."

"Miss Ame, we do need to go." Janson rushed, his crooked smile tweaking with agitation.

Thomas peeled himself away from me, sending me a soft smile which barely reached his anxious eyes. I sent one back for his sake only, before slowly rising from the lunch table.

I looked to my boys, feeling my chest lurch with the stubborn desire to stay. From my friends who knew of Thomas's escapade last night, their eyes were swirling with a defensive horror, their expressions riddled with fright and care.

The other Gladers had similar reluctance but ultimately smiled, thinking I was going to be in the safe place – and hopefully, I will be. However, my closest friends were the most affected. Minho's face was wrinkled with helpless agitation, Frypan forced a smile with unsettled brows, as Chuck looked as if he were on the verge of tears.

"It's okay, buddy." I smiled to Chuck, trying to ease his fear and coax him from crying with an insecure promise, "I'll see you soon."

Chuck nodded, his eyes brimming with tears he refused to shed, "I know," He sniffled. "I'll see you soon, Amesie."

It broke my heart to see him like that.

I smiled to my Gladers, carving their young faces into my mind – my family.

"Well...stay out of trouble, boys." I smirked weakly.

The Gladers released soft snorts and snickers as they sent me pitiful smiles and waves, wishing me luck with their big doe eyes. My gaze fell to Newt – he looked at me with so much care and hesitance, it almost convinced me to stay. But we needed answers.

So, I turned my gaze to Thomas, sending him a meaningful stare as I sparked our connection to life.

Get the soldier's keycard.

Thomas's eyes lit up, ideas surging through his wide eyes like lighting across a glass lake. And with a simple nod, he understood what I meant.

I nodded before saying my last bit.

And save me.

Then, without waiting for his nod, I began my pace to the front of the room where I will line up next to Bobby and the other subjects chosen to go to the safe place. However, as my heavy limbs slapped against the sleek tiled floors, my panic-stricken soul compensated my fear with cockiness, my smirk glowing to hide my terror.

So, I began speaking to the room.

"So, just a reminder to all the lovely ladies...and handsome gents...and dashing individuals," I addressed loudly to the room, spinning around and walking backwards to face the Gladers with a beaming grin – giving everyone my grand finale, "Most of my delightful friends are, in fact, single and ready mingle. I promise they are semi-well mannered gents but they are so lonely." The Gladers laughed, humoring me in response despite they're sadness. I continued, "However, the blonde one is mine. He is officially taken and off the market. Sorry but–"

"That's enough, Miss Amy." Janson firmly interrupted.

I paused, a cold shiver traveling down my sore spine as my smirk slipped from my paling face. I faltered completely, my feet freezing in their spot as my eyes tried to pierce the Ratman's skull for the answer to my only question:

Why did he call me Amy?

He seemed to realize the error in his words as he shut his eyes and shook his head, an airy smile twirling on his cheeks. He corrected, "Sorry—Ame. My mistake. However...we really must go."

I kept my eyes on him for a minute, but ultimately continued forward, more silent than before.

My mind was a vortex of anxious queries and nerve-wracking thoughts, yet, there was nothing I could do. I just had to ride it out, and see where I ended up.

I walked past Sid, peering up through my eyelashes to see if I could read anything on his face. I wanted a sign of whether or not I was in danger—to see a twinkle of remorse or terror in his gaze, or see his lip twitch with falsity.

But unsurprisingly, he didn't meet my eye, he just stood like stone—expressionless.

So, I walked right past the man and took my place along the line of chosen subjects, planting myself right next to Bobby and standing at the very end of the line.

I felt Bobby's dark eyes trace my stiff movements, staring holes into my stony form as I glared at the floor with furrowed brows and unsettled eyes. Placing my hands behind my back and forcing my chin upwards, I tore my gaze from the floor and glared at the back of Janson's head.

"Thank you for your attention and enjoy the rest of your day." Ratman concluded, nodding to the audience of disappointed subjects.

An array of dishearten groans and slow supportive applause flooded through the room, practically taunting me and all my anxiety. The moment Janson and Sid turned towards us, all the clapping and clatter turned into radio silence—a sharp ringing piercing my eardrums as the soldiers began ushering us towards the East doors.

My heart frantically pattered against my ribcage along with my broken breath. All the colours in the room blended into blurs and smears as if they were wet paint on a crooked canvas.

Everything was moving far too fast.

We shuffled in a line and the East door grew closer. Panic rose through my body like a fever, and forcing my blurred gaze focus, I quickly peered over my shoulder, trying to get another glimpse of the Gladers—my boys.

Through the bobbing heads of subjects talking and eating, I could see glimpses of their faces as they tried to get a final glance of me.

Yet, just as my eyes found Newt's chocolate gaze, the East doors were already sliding open and the first few subjects began to enter along with Janson and Sid. An anxious gasp left my throat, my breath rigid and unsteady as I twisted around once more to look at the Gladers.

"You okay, girlie?" Bobby asked.

I said nothing.

Instead, I watched as my brother hastily stood from the lunch table and began marching towards me—scratching his neck and the back of his head as he tried to casually and frantically join the back of the line.

I faced forward, pretending not to notice him.

However, just as my body crossed the threshold of the East doors, the soldiers posted outside immediately recognized Thomas as the very same boy that had been harassing them for days about Teresa.

"Whoa, hang on." A deep voice said, halting my brother from entering the doors, "You weren't called."

I immediately twisted around, watching the scene unfold before my eyes.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just gonna be a second." Thomas uttered, quickly, trying to brush past them again.

The soldier pushed his hand against his chest. "This is a restricted area, kid."

Thomas sighed, "I just wanna see my friend and say 'bye' to my sister. Can you let me through?"

"Get your ass back in that chair." The soldier poked his chest, mockingly.

Thomas took a step back, his mind spinning and twirling with the many things he could or should do. For a brief second, his chestnut eyes met mine. I couldn't read his disturbed gaze, but he was determined. I could see it in the crease between his dark brows. So, when he turned around to start walking back to the lunch table, I was confused.

But with a heavy sigh, Thomas instead tossed himself into the soldiers, hoping to make it pass.

"Back off!" The soldier demanded, shoving Thomas back a few paces, making my brother stumble and nearly tumble to the ground.

"Hey, what's your problem, man! What the hell, huh?" Thomas snapped back, giving the soldier a good shove in return. However, as I watched the soldier's face harden and melt into a mixture of pride and rage, I immediately flung myself towards the situation.

"Thomas!" I shouted, as the soldier shoved Thomas back again.

Rushing forward, my hands reached out to shove the soldier, the second man caught my arms before I could inflict any damage, holding me back from inserting myself in the situation.

The Gladers had arrived on scene, briskly gripping onto my brother's arms to keep him from fully fist fighting the guard. My eyes landed on my boys as they held him back, immediately separating Thomas from the soldiers. Newt gripped his right and Minho gripped his left while Chuck tried to hold him back from behind, his one pudgy finger looped through Thomas's belt-loop.

"Why won't you let me see her?!" Thomas shouted, the question reaching his core as I knew it wasn't just about me—it was also about Teresa.

"Control your friend!" The soldier shouted, jabbing a finger in Thomas' direction. However, Janson suddenly stepped into the middle of the conflict, thrusting the soldiers away from us.

"What's happening here?" Janson demanded, facing the soldiers before facing the Gladers. "Thomas? I thought we could trust each other?"

Thomas panted, his breath coming out jagged and torn as he battled his own thoughts.

Before Thomas could even utter a word, Janson twisted towards me on the opposite side. His beady gaze slipped to the soldier that held me back, commanding, "Smith, please help Miss Ame find her way back to the others."

"Wha—" I began, but the soldier was already facing me, ready to usher my form through the Eastern wing. I realized this was part of the plan—I have to figure out what's in the Eastern Wing, I have to keep going.

My wary gaze flicked to Thomas.

His panting form offered a small and almost unnoticeable nod, sending only a semblance of comfort in knowing one thing: Thomas has a plan.

"Okay." I yielded, getting one last look of my family.

They looked, obviously, bewildered and distressed by the chaos Thomas stirred. However, their gazes lingered on me with reluctance and care—all of them from Minho and Chuck to Frypan and Winston to Jack and John to Thomas and Newt—they all briefly forgot about Thomas and remembered I was leaving.

My heart ached to leave them but my soul ached to leave Newt, knowing that if I do survive, I have to wait for his touch. Or worse, I could never feel him, look at him, or kiss him again.

His face had completely fallen and I knew by the sore affection in his drooped gaze, he really didn't want me to go. If Newt's eyes could speak, they would be begging me to stay and return to our bed, our closet, our space alone and exist together in the safeness and harmony of one another's arms.

But Newt said nothing. He just offered me a small, comforting nod.

And that was all I could accept because I quite literally have no choice but to discover what hides in the Eastern wing.

So, I let Smith lead the way through this newer addition of the labyrinth, leaving all my friends and family behind to either die or live in a safer place. My gaze stayed glued to my boys, even as we began to round a corner and Janson began his lecture.

Yet, just before we slipped around the corner and disappeared in the shadows of the concrete halls, my mind tingled and hummed with only four words.

I got the card. Thomas's voice reverberated across my cranium, before disappearing all together.

A wide smile broke across my face.

Escape plan: set.

As the cafeteria clamor faded into a hollow echo, I honed in on the cement tunnels. The hallways were almost an exact replica of the others, reflecting the same lifeless and harrowing nature that only concrete can provide. The only difference was the smell. The whole hallway smelt...sterile.

Like a dentist's office or a hospital.

Suddenly, emerging from the silence of the sterile hall, came excited chatter and supple footsteps shuffling along the concrete floor. Peering through my dark eyelashes, I find the back of Bobby's slender build—my assigned soldier practically sprinting me back to the line of chosen subjects.

"Oh. Thank you for finally joining us." Bobby glanced back at me, his lips dripping with sarcasm.

I grunted in response, "What can I say? My brother's a drama queen and he needed attention."

Bobby released an airy snort.

His eyes never flicked back to me, instead he faced forward, absorbing his surroundings and keeping a vigilant eye on the soldiers guiding us. His shoulders were stiff and even his voice sounded tense and distracted.

Then, tearing through the electrified gibberish, a nurse began directing the subjects at the front into two separate hallways. I initially thought it was going to be by sexes, however, there was no pattern.

"What the hell do you think this is about?" Bobby leaned back, muttering his concerns.

"Uh..." I dumbly droned, "Pft, I..."

Ame, Ame? Thomas's thoughts sprung through my mind like a song, reaching out as if there was a chance I would not answer.

Y-Yeah? I thought back.

"Huh?" Bobby asked aloud, shooting me a confused look.

I knew what I did before I could even roll my eyes at myself—I spoke aloud again, and I'm starting to blame