sooo. time is currently.... 5:55am hey angel numbers.
i still haven't slept...and i made the mistake of walking out to see gwen and chris talking.
"your never up this early" they said at the same time.
"oh yeah just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep" i said laughing.
"hey i'm doing a confessional... you should join me" she said as she pushed me into the booth.

y/n confessional:
so uh.....
yeah.... i haven't really slept in the last 2 days. aha yeah. scared to sleep.
i haven't ate in the last 35 hours. which is fine. who needs food. i don't.
i didn't eat at all yesterday.... and i don't plan on eating or sleeping tonight either. so there's a plus. my life is fantastic.

i walked out to see gwen waiting.

gwens confessional:
i'm gonna get duncan to do this to.... but y/n seems tired. and we don't think she's eating. or sleeping. or doing stuff in general. we don't know what's up. but she had a little argument with duncan. and it just doesn't seem like her. it's like. somethings off. and she looked really dead and tired yesterday and today it's worse. she forgot to put on makeup. "OH SHIT MAKEUP"  there it is. she remembered the makeup. anyway i'm just super worried about her.

duncan's confessional:
she was up at 1am. and then when i woke up she was gone. also fuck you gwen for waking me up. i'm never up this early. but no. i'm worried. she didn't eat yesterday and it looked like she didn't sleep well the other night. so that's when chris decided to not have a challenge today. she's been more not there then ever. and she's always not there.
but somethings off. like really off.

so you know just putting on makeup i am. i look worse then i did yesterday.

"CAMPERS DUE TO THINGS WE WILL NOT HAVE A CHALLENGE TODAY. BUT WE WILL TOMORROW.MAYBE" chris said.

works for me. that means i won't get tired. i'm basically already skipping breakfast. everyone is eating it right now.
"come on y/n" duncan said. catching me putting makeup on.
"makeup?" he asked
"i wear it sometimes. plus i woke up early and ate already go on without me" i said smiling.
"i don't believe you" he said back
"i lie to you once and now you don't believe me?" i asked looking sad.
manipulative probably. but i girl must do what she has to. must stay awake.
i watched as he left. he didn't even answer.
maybe lying was the best choice. for the whole morning i didn't see duncan... or gwen.... or chris... or bridgette.

so i hung out with lashawna and dj.
it was fun. lashawna is a fun person i don't know why i don't hang around her often.
"I HATE HEATHER" she yelled.
"i second that" i said back
"girl courtney pushes you around like it's no buddy's biz why don't y'all vote her off. your so sweet and caring and she's a bitch for no reason" she added
"we don't know" dj added
"oh it's almost lunch" lashawna said
i guess it was... it was 12.
i didn't have a plan. i don't wanna eat.
i'll just walk into the kitchen and eat a single chip in front of duncan and gwen. and so i did. they thought it was pretty believable.
and with that i walked out.
now i don't have a eating disorder i don't think. NAHHH. (not shaming people who do. but i actually do this shit. i just dont feel hungry)
but on the bright side. they left me alone for sometime after that.
"have you ate" chris asked me.
"yeah i did"
"are you lying?"
"no. i ate chips"
"you ate A chip"
"i still ate"
"go fucking eat"
"i don't want to i'm not that hungry chris"
he sighed and walked off. next thing i know duncan appears in front of me.
"go eat"
"i'm not hungry"
"you didn't eat yesterday and you ate A chip."
"i ate."
"EAT MORE"
"NO IM NOT HUNRGY"
"i give up" he said walking away.
did that hurt....
yes. it did.

"go be with courtney then" i said softly.
"what did you say" he turned around and asked.
"nothing just do what you were gonna do" i said back.
"i don't wanna be with courtney... I WANNA BE WITH YOU AND HELP YOU" he said really loud.

i'm.... duncan i'm not in the best of moods and your yelling.
"don't yell"
"i'm not yelling."
"sounds like your yelling"
"IM NOT FUCKING YELLING". he yelled.

he yelled.... and he yelled at me.....
the only thing i could do was look up. and i saw the regret in his face.
"i'm sorry i didn't"  he tried to touch me.
"don't touch me" i said back walking away.
he didn't bother to follow....

anyone who tried to touch me i told them not to even chris. i just kinda sat in a ball. on top of a hill. looking at the water.

"i wanna know how fast you'll go to the bottom of there was a brick tied to your ankle." i said out loud.
"you wanna find out" courtney came behind me and asked.
"yeah i do" i said deflated.
i watched as she tied a brink around my ankle. and pushed me into the water. i knew there was a cave under the cliff. i went scuba diving and found it. i cut the rope once i got to the bottom and swam to the cave. i liked it here. all the crystals. i never touched them but i feel their energy. i had a little chair made out of the stone.  i can hear yelling above the water. i cant understand it. but i can hear it. the cave surprisingly wasn't submerged under waters. but water still pours in. it's weird. but it's cool.

i don't think anyone is looking for me. but judging from the sky and it's color it's time for dinner.
chris tried calling my phone. i got a alert on my watch for it. thank god it's water proof. so like a normal person. answered it. and stuck my head under the water.
"courtney pushed me im underwater"
"UNDERWATER COURTENY PUSHED YOU" he yelled. earning a what from everyone around him.

i'm... so.... tired.
it's been almost 48 hours since i've slept. maybe it has. i'm. i. i feel like i'm going to pass out if i try and swim to the top. but it's worth a try.

so i started swimming. and i reached the surface. and tried to swim to land.
"so... tired" i said out loud. once i got to shore i laid there. with duncan and gwen and lashawna and chris and bridge surrounding me. they all looks at courtney.
"she gave me the ok"
"i gave her the ok"
"why would you tell her that's ok" gwen asked.

my eyes shut for a moment. before i woke myself up.
i didn't realize my makeup had worn off... it was only maybe 4 or 5.

"you need to sleep" duncan said looking at me.
"when was the last time you actually slept." chris asked.
"um. 2 days ago. today will be my third day without sleep" i said back
"and her 2nd day without food" gwen added.
"bingo i need to stay awake" i said
"why?" gwen asked.
"i'm afraid to sleep" i said sitting up so my voice isn't muted.

it came back when i sat up. just small ones. i think chris notice.
"duncan hand me the donut inflatable" he said.
duncan did as told.
chris put it under my neck and started moving my head on certain angles and sides.
"what are you doing" gwen asked.
"trying to fix the problem." chris added.
"so why are you scared to sleep" gwen asked.
"a few nights ago or uh.. i don't know i can't tell time anymore. i woke up with pain. and being super like dizzy my vision had spirals in it. and then i went back to sleep. an hour later it got worse when i woke up from it again. and then at 3 am. i woke up from it. my eyes wide open completely blind. i couldn't see anything. when my vision came back it came back in swirls the room was lit. but i still lost my vision. i was crying cause of the pain. and i didn't go back to sleep. i don't want it to happen again" i explained.
"y/n here.... carry's trama.... when something bad happens it sticks with her for awhile. like. she got into a car accident and didn't drive for like 2 months. couldn't even look at the car. couldnt listen to music that was playing or what reminded her of it. she couldn't sleep unless she could fall asleep quickly. last time this happened. she didn't sleep for a day and ended up falling asleep in school" chris also added.
they helped me up. and it didn't happen.
"go to sleep" chris looked at me.
"but eat first... i know you have been skipping meals" he also added. duncan looked at me. and i looked at him.  we all walked to the cafeteria and sat down. they made sure i ate. the time was 5:30 everyone was off doing things before the sunset and they went back to camp.
i was being forced to eat.
"i don't like when people look at me while i eat" i said. duncan and gwen looked away chris kept staring.
it's whatever. i was eating. i ate the whole thing.
"well i'm done i'm gonna go play some games" i said
i walked out and then duncan picked me up and carried me to the cabin.
"don't make me sleep please" i was about to start begging.
"your gonna sleep" he said.

and with that i was put in his bed. and he kicked out harold.

"i cant sleep" i said. trying to leave the bed.
he pulled me back and then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.
"your gonna sleep. and i'm gonna stay awake. if you wake up with it. i'll be here to help. and if i do fall asleep wake me up. i'll be here" he said as he placed his chin on the top of my head.

"duncan i don't think i can" i said.
"you were passing out on the beach basically" he added.
"im not tired anymore" i said yawning.
"you wanna go to the hammock" he asked.

"i think that would make me fall asleep soo..." i thought out loud.
"no this is good" i said.
he picked me up and took me to the hammock. with a blanket.

and with that he layed me on top of him. and put the blanket on us. and wrapped his arms around me.

was i close to falling asleep yes. did the swaying make it worse. yes.

"duncan what are you doing?" courtney came over.
"go away i'm busy" duncan said next.
i looked up to see courtney. earning my head being pushed down my duncan. "go to sleep" he said.

"DUNCAN THIS ISNT WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. YOU DROP EVERYTHING FOR THIS ONE GIRL WHO ISNT EVEN THAT IMPORTANT DROP EVERYTHING FOR ME" courtney began yelling.

i... i don't know what to do.

"OF COURSE IM GONNA DROP EVERYTHING IM DOING FOR Y/N SHES MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND" duncan said next.

gwen pushed courtney away.

i on the other hand was about to start crying. to much yelling.

"i... i need to go" i said trying to get up.
i consider it weak if you cry. so why cry in front of someone i like.....

"your staying here" duncan said making his grip tighter.
*sniffle*
he lifted my head to see me.

and what better time then when all the tears were coming down my face.

i have 2 moods when i'm tired
1. sad... emotional.... whiny
2. mad... angry.... outburst

at first it was angry and now it's emotional.

"why are you crying.... don't cry" he said
"don't look at me i'm ugly" i said hiding my face in the blanket.
"no your not" he said trying to make me feel better.
he took the blanket off my head and put me more on his chest and shoulder. and then rested his head on mine. his grip loosened. and he just just there holding me.
still swaying. the crying took energy.

i was drifting into sleep.
so i woke myself up.
"stop waking yourself up. it's fine. i'm right here if anything happens" he said. and then started to rub my cheek with this thumb.

and then i was drifting. i couldn't wake myself up. i tried opening my eyes. but they kept closing.

i fell asleep.