Original Author: Korota
Date Submitted to Syosetu: 2017/06/30

I slowly open my heavy eyelids. It feels like someone woke me up.

"...Good morning."

I mutter a morning greeting and get no response. The only I hear is the lovely chirping of the birds.
I look for signs of other people, but I find no one else. I guess I was mistaken about somebody waking me up.
I yawn to shake off my drowsiness and blink a few times at the harsh sunlight peeking in through the curtains.
I must have been asleep for a long time. My consciousness is still hazy.

"...?"

Also, there's a "strange feeling" inside me.
Ever since I woke up, there's been a mysterious sense of loss and a feeling of warmness that I can't quite describe swirling around in my chest.
Badump. Badump. The beating of my heart echoes in my ears and I put my hand to my chest, clutching my clothes.

"It's warm."

It feels like I've been seeing... a dream for a long time.
I don't remember the contents, but I feel like it was such a happy dream that I wished it could be real.
I desperately try to remember it, but somewhere in my heart, I understood I would never be able to.
I will never have that dream again. I'm curious about it, but there is nothing I can do so I have no choice but to give up on it.
However, for the rest of my life, I'll never forget this warm feeling I'm currently experiencing.
I release the clothes I'm grasping and remove my hand from my chest.

"Come to think of it, where am I?"

From the white ceiling and the distinctive smell, I can guess that this is a hospital.
I sigh in relief since it seems I somehow managed to survive. My languid body is not quite moving the way I'd like, but if this is the extent of my injuries, I'll be able to recover soon. If I put my mind to it, I should be able to get out of bed though someone will probably get mad at me if I actually did that. I already did a bunch of reckless things, so I should behave.
I'm feeling thirsty so I press the nurse call button. This will also let them know I woke up.
Not long after, I'm connected to the nurse's station.

"Hello? My name is Tanaka. This is my first time using this service, so I'll leave the details of the Medical Examination Course to you. I'd like a nurse who is young, cute, kind, and good with needles. I would also like to add a drink as well."
"This is my first time answering such an indecent nurse call, Tanaka... wait, isn't this Shiba from room 103!? You're awake!? I'm coming over right away!!"
"Huh? I haven't dressed for the occasion or prepared my heart yet."
"Just be quiet and wait there!"

Ah, they hung up. That's too bad. I wonder if I called them while they were busy. If I did, sorry.
I thought about watching some television until the nurse arrives, but I couldn't find the remote so I gave up on that.
It looks like I have this room all to myself. The room seems well-equipped, so this might be a VIP room.
Levatille's people probably arranged this for me.

"Thank you for waiting, Shiba. How are you feeling?"

After a knock, the door opens and a nurse enters the room.

"...I'd like to change nurses."
"Unfortunately, patients can't choose their nurses here. Besides, I'm only in my 30s and am good with needles. Wahaha."
"No way!"

The nurse who arrived looks like a gutsy and strong woman who does pro wrestling.
She looks more like some kind of martial artist cosplaying as a nurse than an actual nurse.

"The doctor in charge of you will be here later. I've also informed your parents that you're awake and they'll visit you this afternoon."
"Eh?"

The nurse gives me a quick examination, confirms that there are no problems, and hands me a glass of water.

"This room is for patients with special circumstances. The only ones who know the full details of your injuries are the head doctor, the doctor in charge of you, and me, your nurse. For all other parties concerned, they were told you slipped and then fell on a ballpoint pen in your pocket which went deep into your abdomen."
"You couldn't come up with a better reason...?"

I appreciate them creating a cover-up, but that reason is so dumb and embarrassing.
How unlucky does someone have to be to fall and end up getting stabbed this badly from a ballpoint pen?
Damn it. I've been labeled as a turbo klutz while I was asleep.

"We at the hospital do not know about the circumstances that led to your injury. We will just do everything we can to help you recover."
"Ah, yes. I'll be in your care for a while."

After that, the doctor came in and explained my condition. I've been unconscious for three days and I'll need to stay in the hospital for at least two weeks. Besides that, he gave me a lot of other details.
I've only just gotten my stitches, so I was warned to not walk around. With that, the doctor and nurse leave the room.
Now then, how should I pass the time until my parents arrive? I'll try calling Marudo to learn what happened after I fainted. I don't have my cell phone with me, so should I sneak out of my room and look for a public phone?
I crawl out of bed and stand up, but I immediately feel dizzy and almost fall over. I quickly grab hold of a nearby chair to steady myself.
Ah, I'll forget about that plan. It's probably better to not overdo it and just obediently lie on the bed. My abdomen is aching and my limbs are feeling more tired than I thought.
However, I can't bear the boredom so I look around the room.
Is there anything interesting around here I can use to pass the time? Unfortunately,  there doesn't seem to be anything notable.

"Aha!"

I open the drawer near the bed and find some blank paper and a pen.
Perfect. It's been a while since I last wrote a self-reflection, so I'll do that until my parents come.
It's almost a given that teacher will be mad at me, so this cheap trick should appease her a little bit.
I don't think I'll be able to sit at the desk, so I get on the bed and put a piece of paper on the adjustable table before writing.
I can't move my hand as well as usual so my writing is messy, but it's still readable so there shouldn't be a problem.
After filling about a quarter of the page with words, I put down my pen. Even though I can normally come up with as many pages as I want, it seems I'm in poor shape today since I can't think of much to write. Why can't I even write a single page that I'm satisfied with? I now understand what it's like for an author in a slump.

I can't show this shoddy piece of work to anyone, so I crumple it into a ball and throw it at the garbage can in the corner of the room. The paper goes straight in. Fufu, it looks like my aim is still in good form.
I grab the pen again and try writing another self-reflection. The first thing I write is "Dear Shino Ueda" followed by the conventional season greetings... Hey, wait a second. Isn't this a letter instead of a self-reflection?

"Hmm... a letter, huh?"

That might work as well.
Thinking back, I've never written a letter to anyone before.
It's extremely unfortunate I don't have a more decent writing paper or an envelope for the occasion, but I shall dedicate the first letter I write to my beloved homeroom teacher.

"..."

But what should I write?
What do people usually write in a letter?
Oh wait, I shouldn't think too deeply about it. It's okay to be more carefree when writing a letter to someone you're close to.
It may be on a piece of paper, but it shouldn't be that different from an e-mail or a text message. There is no need to be so self-conscious.
I just need to put what I'm thinking on the tips of the pen and concisely write down what I want to convey.

(Just concisely write down what I want to convey.)

Just think of her, choose the appropriate words, and move the pen.
If I write down everything I think of, my hands will get tired and I definitely won't have enough paper to write it all.
If I just pick out a few things and make a list, that feels a bit half-hearted.
In that case, I'll just write one thing. I'll put all my feelings into just one thing.

"I love you."

Even though I really just wrote that one thing, I feel completely drained. I'm satisfied with this, so I put the pen down. "Love" sure is a useful word, isn't it? It's like a magic word that can be packed with all kinds of feelings. Maybe this should be called a love letter instead of just a letter.

"...Hm... love... eh? A love letter? Huh?"

I look at the letter I wrote once again... I intently focus on the love letter I wrote to teacher.
Wait a minute! I know I may seem like an idiot for asking this since I wrote it myself, but why did I write that I love her?
I probably meant it as a friend or someone else important to me when I wrote it. That's the only thing I can think of. That's the only explanation.
I never wrote a letter before, so my feelings must have gotten confused a bit and I ended up writing that.
I can't hand her this thing which will definitely cause misunderstandings, so I quickly crumple it into a ball and toss it at the garbage can.
...But this time, I miss my mark and it lands on the floor in the corner of the room.
Shoot. I couldn't stop shaking and my arms weren't steady when I tossed it. It's good that it fell in an inconspicuous place, but if anyone sees it I'll commit seppuku. I don't want to open another hole in my abdomen, so I better retrieve it, slice it into little pieces, and put them in the garbage can.
Just after I stand up, the door to my room opens with a bang.

"Mitsuki!!!"
"Yes!?"

I reflexively respond to my name being called. My mom looks at me and her eyes widen.

"You idiot! What do you think you're doing standing up like that right after you woke up!?"
"I'm completely okay and brimming with energy."
"You've been unconscious for three days!! You've lost so much blood and could have easily died!!"
"Stop exaggerating. People won't die so easily with how much modern medicine has advanced."

I desperately try to placate my mom that's frantically drawing nearer.
The area around my stomach still aches, but it's nothing I can't handle.

"Even the slightest chance is scary, Mitsuki."
"Dad..."
"If we lose you, we'll never be able to get you back."

My dad, who's standing behind my mom, looks distressed as he says those words.
Those grave words and their heartbroken faces fill me with guilt.
My selfish actions made the two of them worry this much.

"Umm... I'm sorry."

I give a meek apology and my parents finally relax a bit and smile.
I expected them to be extremely angry, so it's almost a bit of a letdown.
Ah, so this is how it is.

"You really are a handful."

My mom gently touches my cheek.
I notice that her thin hand is slightly trembling as she touches me, trying to confirm that I'm there.
My father softly places his large hand on my head.
He pats me over and over again as if he's praising me for doing my best.

"Thank goodness you're still alive."

"-----"

I stare at my parents as if I've been struck by something.
This is the family that kindly looked after me.
The mother and father that have watched over me since I was little are right in front of me.

Ah, that's right.

They don't look down on me. They don't treat me like a tool. They don't beat me. They'll definitely never even think of killing me.
If I do anything bad, they'll get mad and if I do something good, they'll praise me.
They took me to a whole bunch of places hoping that I would have fun. They gave me a bunch of incredible things hoping to make me happy.
There's nothing special about that. Normal parents like them can be found anywhere.
These parents raised me normally even though I'm not normal.
They loved me as parents should.
They accepted me as their daughter.

"...I'm sorry..."

They wished for me to live even though I wanted to die.
They allowed me to live with no strings attached.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...!"

My parents cherished my life and treated it with care.
Yet, I ignored this blessing and made light of my life.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry...!"

As if proving that I'm alive, tears spill from my eyes.
Is the warmth of the tears proof of my desire to live?

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry!"

I wanted to keep apologizing.
I have to apologize.
To the parents in front of me.
To the ones I almost didn't have another chance to apologize to.

"...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Even after using both hands to wipe away my flowing tears, the tears keep on spilling.
The liquid continues to drop down to the floor like there's a leaky roof. At this rate, it's going to form a puddle.
But I can't stop. I don't know how to stop. This is the first time I've ever cried like a child.
Like a child getting scolded, I instinctively continue to bawl and I can only keep apologizing.

"I'm sorry for everything."

I really am a child.
Blessed by my mom and dad, I came into this world as a "normal" child.



"I'm so happy... that I'm alive."



"It would have been better if I had never been born."

I spat out those words like a curse at the parents who gave their all to bring me into this world, but they still worked so hard to raise me.
The moment they hear the words they've been waiting so long for, they break into tears.
Just as I always carried guilt and my distorted desires with me, my parents must have also always carried their worries and fears.
I finally notice what burdens we all shouldered.

"Finally..."

My mom continues to cry as she comes closer and holds me in a strong embrace.
My dad stretches his arms out and hugs us both.

"Indeed. You're finally allowing yourself to live, Mitsuki."

That's right, I'm finally allowing it.
It took a long time, but it finally happened.
My life isn't a punishment or anything like that. It's as warm as a sunbeam.
The people I have hurt may never forgive me.
But I feel like someone has given this life value and permitted me to smile.
Maybe I can also be permitted to love others and be loved by others.

I cry like a newly born baby while gently being comforted.
The part of me that's been hidden deep inside grows hot.
This was something that has existed since long ago.
After being disappointed by my parents, other people, companies, and various other things, I created a boundary to separate myself from everything else.
When I was reborn, that boundary weakened. Before long, I met kind people and the boundary disappeared in some places, but there was still a line that has always existed inside me.

I erase that line with my own hands.
Then, I step forward past where that line used to be.
Into the world that I knew existed but knew nothing about.

"Thank you. Mom, dad."

What will the world I see with my own eyes will look like now?



＊



My dad took me in his arms after I got exhausted from crying and put me back into bed.
After making me promise them that I'll obediently sleep until my wounds heal, my parents went home.
Since they rushed here as soon as the hospital contacted them, they didn't bring me anything, not even a change of clothes.
After asking them to bring my cell phone, I'm lying in bed trying to sleep as promised.
...I don't feel sleepy at all. It might be because I just slept for three days.

I lie on the bed absent-mindedly for a while before I hear a knock on the door.
It's still a bit too early for my parents to return, so it's probably a nurse making their rounds. I reply, telling them to come in.
The door opens and a person walks in.

"...Shiba."

It's teacher.
This is unmistakably teacher.

"Eh... ah..."

I didn't expect to see her so soon, so I haven't figured out what to say to her yet.
Should I joke around like usual or should I apologize and try to go for a happy end? I've been trying to come up with a plan for a happy end, but it's still half-baked and can't be carried out.
I guess I'll choose how to respond depending on teacher's attitude. No, before that, I need to apologize.
I'm sure she must have been worried sick as well.

(---No, that's not it.)

There's something I wanted to tell her right away if I saw her.
Now I'm clearly aware of the feelings that seemed so uncertain before.
Now that I've finally been permitted to do so, I've gained the right to tell her.
That's why all that's left is to put it into words and tell her.

"Shiba."
"Ye-yes?"

However, teacher makes the first move just after I prepared myself.
She cautiously walks up to me and grabs my hand.

"Thank goodness... you're really alive."
"Ye-yeah. I'm alive."
"You're alive."

Teacher just wraps my hand with both her hands while muttering "thank goodness" and "you're alive" repeatedly.
Just looking at that, I can tell how worried and anxious she was. It's conveyed painfully well.
She might have been more scared than anyone else because she's already familiar with the suffering of those who are left behind.

"I'm sorry."

I pat her head as her tears silently spill out.
I cried my heart out earlier, so now it's my turn to do the comforting.

"It's going to be okay."

I'm alive.
I'm going to keep living.
So please don't have to make that face.

"Don't disappear."

"-----"

The value of my life might be much heavier than I realized.
I'm sure there are many others who believe it's much lower.
But because of her...
Because she cares so much about me, it's become extraordinarily valuable.

(Ah, so that's how it is.)

Human life is neither light nor heavy. Everyone is equal.
That is right, but it's also a little bit wrong. Everyone knows that.
As long as we live, we inevitably create categories and prioritize certain things.
We create more and more categories as our relationships are constructed.
The mechanism of human relationships is pretty, ugly, and lovely.

"Shino."

I call out her name and she looks at me in surprise.
Her moist eyes are wide open and she's slack-jawed.

"Umm, there's a lot of things I want to say to you and want to ask you, but there's something I need to tell you first before anything else."
"Ah... right. Wha-what is it that you wish to tell me?"

Hey, what's with that stiff response, teacher? Stop that, you're making me nervous.

"Well, you see. I am unsure how to put this into words..."

Wait, why are my words getting so stiff too?
I know what I want to say, but the words are getting stuck in my throat and won't come out.
I'm a veteran presenter who spoke in front of large crowds hundreds of times. To become this timid in front of just one woman is so pitiful that I want to cry again. Please tell me what to do, my spiritual mentor. Ah, that's not going to help. In this situation, I shouldn't rely on that unsociable person who always gets tongue-tied.

"Shiba?"

My mouth is no good, so I promptly point to a certain spot silently.
Seeing something there, Shino goes to pick it up with a confused look on her face.
The moment I see her bend down to pick it up, I feel a rush of happiness, embarrassment, and all sorts of other emotions. I couldn't take it anymore. I've exceeded my tolerance level