Oleander

There are many evils of the world, as of lately, and I've not so gracefully stumbled upon them.
And they've been cooped up in the house in which I've been asked to stay over for dinner at for a few hundred years.
Yes, I ironically managed to snag a dinner date with Hell.
More like, snagged a B&B experience in Hell, for months - or however long it takes for summer to be over with.
And the best part?
Nobody knows I'm in danger.
Nobody know how I live, with a knife at my throat every morning that I wake up...
It's great here.
How 'bout you come visit?
You get the warmest welcome (three corpses at the front door).
Your room is decorated to your liking, until they wreck it. Or who knows? Maybe you get to go peacefully, and your belongings are kept until the next family member decides what a great time they're going to have down in Georgia.
Now I know, stranger things could happen.
But only in your mom's wildest dreams!
Burn!
Not funny?
Oh, it's something that Jay would say.
But... you don't know him. So, you would've thought I was just being my rude self.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I was never like this.
Never an asshole... I pretended, sure I pretended. High school is a death trap, you have to toughen up on the outside.
But on the inside I'm just a gummy shark, without the teeth. Just a gummy, gummy shark.
Seriously, give me a ring on the cellphone I conveniently don't have, because I know you wanna chill with me and the guys.
Just, text me, you know?
ON THE CELL PHONE I DO NOT HAVE.
Thanks ma, you've killed me.
Literally.
I'm not trying to fit in, or be cool. It's called survival - and no, that's not me just being dramatic.
If I had a cell phone I'd be outta here by now. I could've called you, dad or Alex up and...
Shit! I FORGOT Alex was dead.
Shit!
Guess its just you and pep pep.
Dad'll save my ass.
Right...?
Shit, I'm stuck here.
Let my last words be something interesting like: "F*** the feminists."
Or something like that.