TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
This is part 2 of »Scared of needles« so if you haven't read that one yet you should do it first :)
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Louis' POV
One week had passed since the doctor had been at our apartment to examine Harry and to draw his blood. It took him a while to recover from the panic attack he had had, but I did my best to be there for him, giving him cuddles or space if he needed some, not talking about stupid doctor stuff anymore. I was just glad that he still seemed to be trusting me so Liam and Niall had been right when they said Harry would forgive us for forcing him to have his blood drawn.
I was even more glad when Dr. Brown called to inform us about the results of the blood test. Harry had a strong vitamin B12 deficiency and also a lack of iron. At first the iron thing had me worried, but Harry assured me that he had been struggling with very bad nosebleeds a couple of weeks ago and that those probably were the reason for him to have lost a decent amount of iron. So it was nothing serious and super easy to treat. We bought Harry vitamin and iron tablets and he already started feeling better. His fatigue and weakness weren't as bad anymore and the pain he had been feeling also slowly disappeared as well as the dizziness.
But even though he was obviously recovering I had this weird feeling I couldn't quite describe. I didn't know what it was, but something about Harry's behavior had changed since Dr. Brown had been here, and it kept making me feel like there was still something wrong with him. Something he tried to hide from me.
Harry's POV
It wasn't that there was something wrong from the outside. I actually felt a lot better since I had started taking the vitamin and iron supplements and I also recovered from the traumatic experience of being held down and having a needle stuck in my arm. The lads and especially Louis were really supportive these days and always made sure I was doing okay. And I did appreciate that, but ... I could see it in Louis' eyes. The way he looked at me since the day that Dr. Brown had been here. Since I refused to have her use my left arm for measuring my blood pressure.
Louis suspected something to be going on. And he was right. I wasn't okay. I was anything but okay, but little did the others know how bad it really was. Little did they know that I had lied about having lost iron because of nosebleeds. I knew exactly what the reason for my lack of iron was. But I would do anything to keep that secret of mine. There was no way I would let the others know about how stressed I was and what I did to deal with it.
»Haz, you okay?«
I looked up seeing three questioning faces staring back at me. Shit. I had lost myself in my thoughts again. I quickly checked my surrounding – our kitchen, a plate filled with toast ... Right, we were just having breakfast.
»Yeah«, I quickly said and cleared my throat. »I'm fine, why?«
»Because you were staring holes in the air for the last five minutes, haven't touched your food yet and didn't answer my question«, Liam listed.
»Sorry, I was just thinking. What was the question again?«
»I asked if you feel ready for tomorrow's rehearsal. Finally getting back to work after a full week off!«
I immediately felt my stomach knotting. »Yeah, sure.«
And again I could feel Louis' eyes on me. He knew I was lying. Even Liam and Niall didn't seem to believe me as they frowned at my not so enthusiastic tone.
»So what are we gonna do on our last free day?«, I asked hoping for them to accept my attempt to change the topic. I looked at Louis pleadingly and he seemed to understand.
»Don't know. Just hanging out a bit I guess«, he said, but Niall rolled his eyes.
»Come on, let's do something. It's gonna be super hot today, we could go to the lake.«
»Great idea!«, Liam agreed. »Let's get ready right after breakfast. And don't forget to put on your swimming trunks before we go.«
The others laughed at his accentuation, but I didn't even manage to force a smile. I opened my mouth to say something – anything that could make them change their plan, but then I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could say without making them suspicious. And that was not an option at all. But going with them wasn't one either.
Louis' POV
As soon as we finished breakfast Harry headed to the bathroom saying he needed to hurry so we could leave as soon as possible. Liam and Niall both looked at me as if I could explain his behavior. I wish I could ...
»Don't ask me«, I said sadly. »I don't know what's going on. He didn't seem to be keen on going to the lake before so I don't think that's the reason.«
»He doesn't seem well«, Liam said. »But he wasn't like that the last days, was he? Maybe he's just a little stressed about tomorrow.«
»Maybe«, I mumbled, thinking of the weird feeling I was having since Harry's appointment with Dr. Brown. I knew that today wasn't the first day for him not being okay. It had started a while ago. If I only knew what he was having on his mind. »I'm gonna talk to him later.«
»Okay«, Liam said. »But first let's enjoy our day at the lake. I'm sure it will make Harry feel better too.«
I nodded and went upstairs to Harry's and mine shared bedroom to pack my swimming trunk and some sunscreen. Maybe Liam was right and Harry was just a little stressed. Maybe it wasn't something to worry about. But still – I would talk to him later when we were back, just to make sure.
While I was packing my bag I actually started looking forward to spending my day with Harry and the others at the lake. It had been a while since we last went there, but it was one of my favourite places near Princess Park. I instinctively started thinking about Harry's tanned skin in the sun and waterdrops on his lashes, and I could feel my heart beating faster. God, I was so in love with this boy. I would do anything to make this day a good one for him. All I still needed were two towels and then we would be ready to leave.
But when I got to the bathroom, it was locked. I frowned. We never locked our doors, not even when going to the toilet.
»Harry?«, I asked. »Are you still in there?«
»Umm ... yeah.« His voice sounded stressed. What was going on?
»Are you okay?«
»Well ... I-I think you have to go without me«, he stuttered and I felt my excitement turning into concern yet again.
»Why, love? What's going on?«
»I've just got ... umm ... really bad diarrhea.«
Oh no.
»I'll stay here with you, Haz«, I said sympathetically. »Maybe we can join the others later when you feel better.«
»Umm ... I actually don't think I'll be better for the next couple of hours. Just go with the lads.«
»I can stay here anyway. I don't care for going to the lake.«
»No Lou, it's ... I don't really want any company right now to be honest. I just wanna ... get rid of that shit.«
»You sure?«, I asked doubtfully. »I feel bad going without you. I don't wanna leave you alone.«
»I know, but you can't help me while I'm sitting on the toilet anyway. Go have some fun, please.«
»If you're sure ...«
»I am«, Harry said. »See you later, I love you.«
»Love you too, Haz. And call me if you want me to come back!«
»Harry! Louis! Are you ready? We gotta go!«, I heard Liam call from downstairs. I sighed and went to the hallway where he and Niall were already waiting.
»Where's Harry?«, Niall asked.
»He's not gonna go with us. Just got diarrhea.«
»Oh shit«, Liam said and Niall couldn't suppress a laugh.
»In the truest sense of the word.«
I gave him an annoyed look as I wasn't in the mood for jokes at all. I wanted to make it a good day for Harry and now we wouldn't even spend it together. It just sucked.
While we made our way to the lake I kept thinking about that. The feeling that something might be wrong seemed to intensify with every second. And I didn't understand it. It was just diarrhea, wasn't it? Not nice to have, but nothing to worry too much about. And still ...
»Louis, what's the matter?«, Liam asked after a while. »Are you still worried about Harry?«
I just nodded, not in the mood to talk.
»Come on, mate«, Niall said. »It's nothing, he just caught a cold or something. I thought that before when I noticed him still wearing long-sleeved shirts.«
And that was it. The moment I put two and two together. I stared at Niall for a few seconds, his words triggering all the suspicious moments of Harry to be played in my head: Him not wanting Dr. Brown to use his left arm for measuring his blood pressure. Then his weird acting since then because he probably was scared I could already have realized what was going on. His lack of iron at all – he had told us it was because of nosebleeds he had had, but I had never actually seen his nose bleeding. His behavior this morning when we talked about going to the lake. And finally the long sleeves. Because Niall was right – Harry was still wearing them even though summer had just started and it was really warm.
I felt my blood run cold as I remembered Harry being locked in the bathroom. Because of diarrhea. And I suddenly was pretty sure that this wasn't the reason for him to stay at home.
Could it be true? Could he be doing it at this exact moment? But how? He was my boy, my Hazza, my everything – how could I not have noticed before?
»I gotta go.« My own voice sounded oddly strange in my ears.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and voices talking to me, but I didn't listen to what they were saying. I turned around and started to run.
Harry's POV
Adrenaline was running through my veins as I felt the cold metal of the blade on my skin. I could feel my heartbeat in my chest and my pulse in every part of my body. I could breathe.
Maybe that was the reason why I couldn't stop. It made me feel alive while nothing else did anymore. It made me feel like I was actually living for something – like I was actually living at all.
How could it work like that? I didn't know. I just knew it did. So I did it. Because there was no other way for me to deal with everything. The stress of the concerts and interviews, our management that forced Louis and me to keep our relationship a secret, the feeling of always being watched and having no privacy anymore ... It was just too much. Like how could anyone deal with that? How could the others deal with that? And why was I weak while they weren't?
I applied more pressure to the blade and just watched it being pressed against my skin for a few seconds.
Cut.
I quickly ran the sharp metal across my wrist. A trickle of blood left the wound and streamed down my hand before it dropped to the floor. It felt warm. It felt good. I wanted more.
Cut.
I closed my eyes as I felt my worries slowly leaving my mind along with my blood.
Concerts and interviews. Cut.
Management. Cut.
No privacy. Cut.
Everything else. Cut.
A shiver ran down my spine and I started shaking. My body was screaming by now. Screaming for more as it felt so ... I don't know, there were no words to describe it. I didn't need words. The only thing I needed was my blade.
Cut.
Cut.
Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
At that moment I had already lost the last rest of control over myself. But I didn't care. I just cut. Aggressively and uncontrollably. Criss-crossed lines all over my wrist, my arm, my shoulder ... And when there was no more space left, I went over to my right arm. I didn't care anymore. It just didn't matter, did it? I just wanted to bleed it all out of me. I just wanted to ...
»Harry?«
A familiar voice and a knock on the door made me pause.
»Harry, open the door or I'm gonna break it!«
Louis. It was Louis. Why was he here?
And as he continued hammering at the door and saying something about a spare key, I slowly started realizing what I had done. And that there was no time left to hide it until Louis would come in.
Louis' POV
I was more than terrified of what I was going to see as soon as I would enter the bathroom. Harry was still in there – I could hear some noises through the door, but he didn't open, not even when I started hammering at it and telling him I was going to break it.
Of course I wasn't strong enough to actually break it so I ran to our room grabbing the spare key – thank God we had one – and then unlocked the door with a pounding heart and shaky hands.
What I saw then made my blood run cold and my heart shatter. Even though I had already imagined a scenario like that in my head there had still been a tiny bit of hope. Hope that I was just overinterpreting things. That I would come home and see Harry being just okay. Maybe a little stressed, maybe a little sick, but nothing more. Nothing like the horrible scene I was facing at this moment.
Harry was crouched in the corner of the room, with his upper body free, shaking like crazy, and both his arms were covered with countless cuts, blood flowing out of them and streaming all over his arms.
»Oh my God«, I whispered, unable to move and just staring at what was happening in front of my eyes. I wanted to say something, I wanted to scream and cry and yell and wake up from this terrible nightmare, but my head suddenly felt completely empty. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to feel. The only thing I knew was that I needed to pull myself together now because my boyfriend needed help.
I slowly went into the room, my legs suddenly feeling extremely weak, and kneeled down in front of Harry.
»Haz«, I said in a shaky voice. »I'm taking this, okay?«
He didn't react so I slowly reached out and carefully took the blade he was still holding in his hand. As soon as I had taken it I could hear his breathing going faster and he started looking around frantically, his eyes widened in panic.
»Harry no, look at me, baby. I'm right here, see?«
»Lou ...« A sob escaped Harry's lips and tears started running down his cheeks. »I-I d-didn't w-want t-this, I ...«
»Shhhhhh I know, love, it's okay.« I pulled him in for a hug, carefully because I was scared I would hurt him, and he started crying on my shoulder uncontrollably.
»I got you, baby. I got you. Just let it out.«
I held him tightly, rubbing his back comfortingly while he lay in my arms crying out all his emotions he had probably been holding back for an eternity. I didn't know for how long we stayed like that, but we eventually let go of our embrace when Harry's crying became softer and his sobs finally faded.
»Did that help a bit?«
»I think so«, Harry said and looked down, but I had already noticed his pained expression.
»Can I see?«, I asked quietly. He hesitated but then nodded and I carefully took his arms in my hands. I suppressed a gasp when I realized how deep he had cut. Some of the fresh cuts were still bleeding, but there were also a lot of older scars. For how long was he doing this already?
»We need to clean these, love«, I said apologetically because I knew it would be extremely painful. »Maybe you can sit in the bathtub so I can rinse off all that blood?«
Harry nodded and did as I asked him to. We didn't talk while I washed away the blood and then carefully cleaned his cuts with an antiseptic spray. He was clearly in pain, but he bravely endured the procedure with squeezed eyes and gritted teeth.
»You're doing so well«, I said as I carefully dried his injured skin with a soft towel and finally wrapped a bandage around his arms, from his wrists up to his shoulders so that his wounds hopefully would stop bleeding soon.
A few minutes later we were in our bedroom, dressed in comfortable clothes and cuddled up in our bed. I stroked Harry's hair because I knew it helped him relax and it didn't take long for him to drift off to sleep. For a while I just watched my boyfriend's beautiful sleeping face. He looked so peaceful. Hard to believe he was basically going through hell right now. I knew we needed to talk about it, but for the moment all I wanted was for Harry to be able to relax a bit. He had lost quite an amount of blood today so it was no wonder he was tired and had a lack of energy.
After about half an hour I quietly left the room and made my way downstairs to the living room. Liam and Niall were sitting on the sofa and immediately got up when they saw me coming in. I had messaged them before and had told them the basics about what had happened.
When I felt both of them wrapping their strong arms around me it was like a signal for me to finally be allowed to break. I didn't even try to hold back my bent-up emotions and burst into tears while my mates were holding me just as tight as I had held Harry before.
Harry's POV
When I woke up I felt nothing but emptiness inside of me. All my worries I had tried to bleed out of me were now back and only seemed to have intensified. Cutting hadn't changed anything after all. It only felt good at the moment of doing it but afterwards I always felt even more terrible. Just like I did now.
I stared at the ceiling while my mind was flooded with thoughts again. Tomorrow's rehearsal. The interviews. The next tour. Management. Louis.
Louis. What had I done to him? I closed my eyes as if I could blink away the terrible feeling that grew inside of my stomach while thinking of my boyfriend. His face when he realized what I had done to myself ...
I grabbed my phone and opened the chat with him.
Can we talk?, I typed.
It only took a few seconds for him to reply. Of course, love. I'm coming.
A minute later the door opened and Louis came in.
»How do you feel, honey?«, he asked softly as he lay down next to me.
I took a deep breath, then decided to be honest. »Like crap.«
»Is there anything I can do for you?«, Louis asked quietly.
»Just be here, please.«
»Always«, he said and carefully took my hand, comfortingly rubbing it with his thumb.
»I'm sorry, Lou«, I said after a while. »I should've told you. It was just ... I mean ... how do you tell your boyfriend that you're a fucking psychopath?«
»Don't say that, Haz ...«
»But it's true. I can't even stop it anymore. It's like I've lost control over myself.«
I felt Louis' concerned look on me. »Can you tell me ... just why? Is it because of stress ... or what is it that makes you want to do it?«
»It's just all too much«, I said and I hated how desperate my voice sounded. »I feel like the whole world is coming down on me. Concerts, interviews, the fights with management, our secret relationship ... I can't stand it anymore. But when I cut I can forget those things for a moment. And it kind of makes me feel alive. Because most of the time I don't feel anything at all. There's nothing left but this terrible emptiness. It's killing me, Lou. And sometimes ... sometimes I wish it just would.«
Louis' POV
I felt my eyes tearing up and the already shattered pieces of my heart breaking once more while listening to Harry's words.
»You ... you have suicidal thoughts?«
I could hear Harry gulp. »I don't know. I just
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