'Tired' can mean many things. It can mean you didn't sleep well, if at all. It can mean you've had a long day, or you've been active and need a break. Or, it can mean you're tired mentally.

"I'm tired." Elle spoke in almost a whisper. She sat up in her bed, her head in her hands.

"It's like one in the afternoon." Ryder argued. Elle groaned and threw the blanket off of her body, and turned to she was sitting off the edge of the bed, like her friend.

"That means Glenn should be back in a couple of hours." She yawned as she stood up, stretching. Glenn, Tara, and Noah had gone out on a supply run with Eugene, Aiden, and Nicholas. They needed something that had to do with the solar panels that powered the whole place. She wasn't paying much attention when they explained the purpose of the run to the group.

"Alright, well let me get dressed and I'll meet you downstairs." Ryder nodded, leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

It had a been a .. strange couple of days since Ryder's return. Carl was acting weird, secretive even. Elle hadn't brought it up with Ryder yet because she didn't want to seem like she was obsessed, or overthinking it, but something was definitely off with Carl. If only she could figure out what it was.

As Elle and Ryder sat at the kitchen island, talking about Ryder's trip up north, Carl walked in the house. The noise of the door opening caught their attention.

Elle gave a small wave, he waved back before running up to his room. Elle sighed, turning back to the boy sitting in front of her.

"What was that all about?" Ryder scoffed. Elle's eyes widened.

"You see it too?" She was surprised yet happy that she wasn't over thinking it. "He's been like this for days. He's hiding something. We've talked like three times since you've gotten back." She shrugged.

"Wait, do you think it's because I'm back?" Ryder asked, pointing at himself. Elle shook her head, turning down his suggestion.

"No because earlier that day, I asked where he was rushing off to and he said 'I don't know,' but then at the gate, he was standing next to Enid, he said something and she ran off." Elle explained briefly.

"Enid?"

"The pretty, brown haired girl." She said, rubbing her head. "Anyways, continue your story."

"See you later." Elle closed the door behind her and made her way down the street. She started drifting off of the street and towards the walls, looking for any way to get over them.

She didn't necessarily hate this place, but she would definitely get called insane if she said she missed being outside of the walls.

She doesn't mean that she'd rather be outside, fending for herself, though. But she felt sort of trapped inside the walls. Everytime their group thinks they found some sort of refuge, something goes horribly wrong. Whether the place blows up, gets overrun, or both.

As she walked along the perimeter, Elle noticed metal rods sticking out of one of the beams. Not just randomly though, they were like the rungs of a latter, someone else snuck out as well.

Looking around, she saw nobody in sight, so she went up to the make shift latter and started climbing. Once she reached the top, she realized she didn't have any way of protecting herself from the sharp edge of the metal. Doing some quick, yet not so thorough, thinking, she just went for it and threw herself over.

She landed in a pile of leaves and rolled to soften the landing. It still hurt, but she didn't slice her hand open. Digging through the leaves, Elle found her knife that she had dropped before heading into the woods.

She could either track the other person who had snuck out and find out who they are, or she could go off and do her own thing. In other words, she could mind her own business- or not.

Obviously, she chose the latter. Using her tracking skills for the first time in a while, she started her hopefully not-so-long journey.

The trail led her deeper into the woods, she would lose the track every once in a while, but would quickly find it again. The yellow leaves had a soft crunch to them with every step she took.

"Why the hell are you following me?" A voice rung out. Shit.

"Jack?" Elle called out, recognizing the voice. "What are you doing out here?" She asked once he revealed himself.

"I could ask you the same thing." He shrugged.

"But I asked first." She raised an eyebrow. The boy only sighed and shook his head at her. He turned back to her and hesitated before speaking again.

Elle stayed silent, just waiting for his answer. His answer both surprised and confused her. "You were right," He sat down on a log, patting the spot next to him as a gesture to sit down. "about this place." He continued. "They're weak, and I don't want to become weak. Being in those walls just makes it impossible to not go crazy." He rested his head in his hands.

"You're not weak, none of us are. And we won't become that way." She tried reassuring him as she took up his offer and sat next to him. He shook his head, still resting in his hands.

"I'm going crazy, but I feel like everyone's becoming distant from one another, being in a bigger space and all. But you," He took a deep breath. "I didn't expect you to get distant." Elle was a bit taken back at the accusation.

"What do you mean?"

"There was a week long period after Cody died where we were closer than ever. We had to be. But after that, we would say a few words to each other a day." Elle had to think for a moment before voicing her response. Though it was hard, what could she possibly say? What he said was true, she was always off doing something else.

"I'm sorry." She said in barely a whisper.

"No- no. Don't apologize. I'm just overreacting, I guess I just needed an excuse."

"You don't need an excuse because you have feelings."

"I feel like I'm going fucking insane, how do you explain that?" He looked up at her, he was crying. Elle had only seen him cry two times in her whole life.

He couldn't explain quite how he felt, he didn't know how. He didn't know why he felt this way, but he wanted it to stop, he needed it to. But that's where he runs into the problem of not knowing how again.

"What can I do?" Elle asked after letting him sit in silence for a minute or two. "What can I do for you?"

"I don't know." He whispered. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be breaking down like this." He sniffled. Elle shook her head.

"Stop apologizing. Again, you don't have to be sorry for these things." She paused, making sure to pick her next words very carefully. "I may not know exactly how you feel, but I do know that I can help you if you just tell me how."

"You can't help me," he wiped his nose. "Nobody can." Jack stood up, brushing his pants off, trying to rid them of dirt or anything else that might've collected.

"That's not true-" Elle was cut off.

"Elle. Stop, you said it yourself, you don't know how I feel." She just stood there, having no idea what to say. Jack wouldn't even look at her. The silence was deafening.

The silence was broken by a vehicle honking. "Glenn's back." Jack spoke.

"He can wait." Elle shrugged, hinting that she didn't want to leave.

"Go, I want to be alone anyways, I'm tired." He sniffed. Not wanting to start another dispute, Elle just complied and walked to the gate.

The vehicle kept honking, something was wrong. Elle broke into a sprint, following the path she came from but she quickly made a turn to go towards the open gate.

Glenn was yelling for help, slamming the back of the van open. "Glenn?" Elle called out, stepping into the gate, the two men quickly shutting it behind her before running over to see what all the commotion was about.

"Elle! Help me!" He called her over, in which she wasted no time. It was Tara.

"What the hell happened?" She asked, seeing all the blood.

"She hit her head pretty hard, I'll explain later. Right now, she needs help." He explained as more people came to their aid. "Just hold this here. Apply pressure." He moved his hand so she could press the now red cloth to the bleeding head wound.

As she sat in the van, she saw Nicholas's unconscious body. Let me guess, it was his fault. She sighed to herself. People were scrambling around, trying to get a way to transport Tara to the infirmary.

Eugene got out of the driver's seat and Glenn got in. Someone shut the van doors and Glenn started driving.

"What happened out there? Where's Aiden, and Noah?" She asked, the blood soaking through the rag and onto her hands. Glenn didn't answer. "Glenn, where's Noah?"

"I told you, I'll explain later. We gotta get Tara inside the infirmary first." He said, stopping the van. He quickly got out and walked around, opening the back doors, to reveal Elle and her blood covered hands.

Glenn, Rick, and Abraham all helped get her inside. Elle hung back, not wanting to get in anybody's way. So much was happening in such little time.

She peered inside to see all the chaos. Pete and another woman who seemed to be a doctor were rushing around, trying to help Tara.

Glenn started backing out and when towards the seat on the porch. He was stressed, and it was more than just his bestfriend bleeding all over a table just a few feet away.

"Glenn, what happened out there?" Elle asked, her voice cracking as she started tearing up against her own will. He sighed and looked up, his eyes and nose red from crying.

"Noah's dead." He stated. "I had him, I had his hand. The walkers- they just- pulled him away from me." He was crying at this point.

The tears that had collected in Elle's eyes started to fall. She made her way up the porch, wiping the tears off of her face, unknowingly smearing blood on her cheek. They are used to the people they love dying, but it hurts every time. Just when they think they're safe, something goes wrong, and someone pays the price leaving the rest to grieve them.

"I'm sorry," Glenn choked, looking up at her. His big brown eyes bloodshot and puffy. "All I had to do was hold on, but he- he slipped."

"It's not your fault." Elle replied quickly yet quietly. More and more tears fell, quickly. She couldn't wipe them all away, there was no point. As soon as she wiped one away, one was right in it's place, replacing it instantly. She didn't need to hide the fact that someone close to her died.

Glenn didn't speak, he just sat there, crying.

"What's going on?" Carl asked, startling Elle. He made his way towards the porch steps and she walked down them, meeting him in the middle. He had worry written all over his face, seeing everyone crying and hearing all the yelling as well as the blood on their hands.

"Noah's dead and Tara's in there bleeding from her head." Elle told him trying to use her sleeve to wipe the tears, when she pulled her arm back, she saw blood on it.

She stared at it. "Noah's dead?" He asked, she only nodded, crossing her arms as her eyes met his.

The eye contact broke when Maggie ran up to Glenn, pulling him up and into a hug.

Both teenagers watched them console each other. Elle pushed her hair out of her face and looked up at the sky, trying to fight the tears, but she didn't have much luck.

"Are you okay?" Carl asked, knowing the answer to that question already. She looked back at him and just shrugged.

"What's going on with you lately?" She tried to change the subject. She did so successfully when he didn't seem to notice.

"What do you mean?"

"For the past few days, you've been acting weird."

"'Weird?' How so?" He seemed a little upset at the confrontation. Elle let out a small chuckle.

"You're kidding right? You have to be." She responded, before realizing he generally had no idea what she was talking about. "You've spoken to me probably three times in the last four days, including right now. You're always sneaking off, or too busy to even stop and say 'hi,' I figured I was just overthinking it, but I wasn't the only one who noticed." She explained, uncrossing her arms.

Carl stood there, trying to think of what to say. She was right, and he knew that. What he didn't know, was how he was going to explain why he's been acting in a such a way.

"I can't do this right now." She said quietly as she began walking away. She started to feel kind of bad for how she reacted, maybe she did something that caused Carl to act a certain way. Maybe she said something without realizing. Or maybe, he was just better at the whole 'adjusting to a new place' thing.

As she got further away from him, and everyone else, she started crying again. She was confused, not because of why she was crying, she knew why, but because there were a lot of reasons why. Noah just died, the person who saved her life a month or two ago, and because of something else she'd never say out loud;

She felt left behind.

Carl was and still is her bestfriend, but now he's always off doing other things or hanging out with other people and Elle feels left behind. She never said anything or plans to because it sounds selfish. If she were to say it outloud, it would sound like she's saying she doesn't want Carl to hang out with other people. That wasn't true at all, she loves that he's making new friends and is having fun, she just wishes that she was a part of it.

"You're back." Elle sat awake on the couch as the front door shut and Jack walked in.

"You're still up?" He asked, taking his coat off. She only nodded in response. She couldn't fall asleep, her mind was racing with a million little things that wouldn't rest long enough for her to get some decent shut eye. "Well I'm tired and I'm going to get to sleep." He leaned over the back of the couch and hugged her. He gave her a kiss on the head, "I love you."

"I love you, too. Night." She replied, watching him walk up the stairs.

She sat there, in the dark, just thinking. Thinking about anything and everything. Others might find it weird, but she missed when they weren't in the walls of the community, or the prison, or even the farm. Sure, she liked the idea of being safe, but she missed not being wrapped up in her thoughts all day. It feels like she's trapped in her own mind and she can't escape, because she has nothing to escape to.

Elle sighed, deciding she should head up to bed and at least try to get some decent sleep. She got up off the couch and quietly walked up the stairs, hoping they won't creak and wake somebody up.

Once she reached her room, she walked in, shutting the door silently before settling down in her bed.

The room was completely dark with the exception of the small amount of moon light that creeped through the closed blinds.

She pulled the blanket over her, trying to keep warm. Resting her head on a pillow, she attempted to get comfortable and go to sleep. But she had no luck, she kept moving around, wondering why it is every position is uncomfortable.

She sat up and rubbed her temple, getting slightly agitated. She flipped the pillow over, hoping that would do some good before throwing herself back onto it.

She rolled onto her right side, back facing the door and put her arm under the pillow and closed her eyes, trying once more to fall asleep.

She was somewhat successful, in a sense that she wasn't awake, but she wasn't completely asleep. It took about an hour to reach her current state, but it was better than nothing.

She started to stir, a lot. Sweat collected on her forehand, her heart rate started to pick up, next thing she knew, she shot up, wide awake.

Everyone in the group suffered from nightmares, it's just a given with the world coming to an end. Wherever they were, the prison, the road, the barn, even the first few nights here in Alexandria, someone who wake up in a state of panic, whether it be a nightmare, or they heard a small noise and they automatically thought danger.

Everyone was prone to having nightmares nowadays, it's expected. But, they're not pleasant. Going from being asleep to being wide awake in that short window of time feeling like you're choking, isn't enjoyable. The feeling of the walls closing in while you try to collect yourself only makes it all scarier.

Usually when Elle has a nightmare, she goes to one person who knows how to help her, but she wasn't sure if that person wanted to see her at the moment.

There's only one way to find out for sure.

______________________

< short, shitty chapters 3

Tomorrow is Christmas!! Happy holidays (to those who don't celebrate Christmas and instead celebrate something else) !!

the feminine urge to make them forgive each other right now and kith.