I look over at you and see sunshine

But you saw love in an empty heart

~~~~

The diary:

It's unbelievable that I've endured so much at such a young age, and that my suffering wasn't stopping made me feel more miserable.

Had I known that he never wanted my name to be attached with his and that he would rather stay without a woman his whole life than live with me, I would have never agreed to this marriage. It wasn't a sudden appearance of my father-in-law's. I trusted him because even after my father died he was the only friend and closest who took care of me. So I accepted whatever he planned for this marriage.

I'm not blaming him for all this. I'm well aware that he did all this thinking everything will be alright and I'll be able to live a good life with his son and I can change his son as well. But that never happened and I don't this anything will happen in the near future.

The daily cold treatment I get from him. Every day I wait for him to come back home, his home. Every day I'll cook his favorite food for dinner, wash his clothes even if he didn't wear them. Keep his study clean. I never let the maids or Mrs. Ann touch his kinds of stuff once I entered this mansion. I'm his wife, and that's my duty.

Even though I know what kind of wife taehyung wanted but I heard he was never against his wife working but he just doesn't like women working way too hard not giving themselves time to breathe. I couldn't complete my MBA, I was able to complete my BBA before my father died so that made it even harder for me to find a suitable job.

I thought of going back to complete my studies. My in-laws were so happy to hear that, I got admitted to the same varsity as my brother-in-law where he is completing his BBA for marketing. I worked hard, I'm still working hard. But he never cared.

His harsh words still ring in my ears. He doesn't like me touching him, doesn't like it when I call him by his nickname, doesn't want me to bother him, doesn't want to share the same room and bed with me. If for any reason we have to share the room he'd either sleep on the floor or on the couch in our bedroom.

16 months ago we had a family gathering where he was forced to come back home and look at me, touch me, smile at me. For him those were bothersome and that irritated him so much.

One thing I'm sure about him is this guy never smoked, never touched a lady without their consent nor did he ever spare a look at them. It was just an act he put on just so his father stops bothering him with marriage and that's all I know. I do understand that he was through something horrible and that's also one of the reasons why he put on such an act and never thought of clearing all the rumors. I wanted him to talk to me, talk to me about all his sufferings and pains. But he wouldn't open up to me. I know something is stopping him to come near me, he fears something or rather is hoping for something and he doesn't want anyone to know about it.

I don't wish to force him. I believe someday soon he will come to me and open up about his sufferings and I will happily embrace all his pains and pray for his happiness.

That's what I've been forcing myself to think. I want to stay stick with those thoughts, I definitely don't want any negative thoughts to roam around my head. This hurts, all this hurts so much.

Every time we are together he either will call me names or abuse me mentally. What did I do to deserve all those? Why is he renting on me?

10 months ago in another family gathering, he came home, originally he planned to go to the UK for a business trip but his father-in-law stopped him. They said they wanted to talk to us about something. And how I wish that he refused to come and went to the UK because that was another mistake my father-in-law did.

They wanted to talk to us about how our relationship was going. I was expecting that a little because that day they all looked gloomy, grandfather asked most of the questions. I still remember the look on his face when grandma asked when we are having kids or if we even planned to have one. I was happy to hear that but once I looked at his face I felt my stomach-cramp. My smile disappeared, he looked like the world just shattered into pieces upon hearing this.

That night I didn't even bother doing any of his chores, I wanted to be left alone and leave him alone just as he wanted. But that night be didn't want that....he chooses to torture me.

I was walking alone in the backyard of our house without covering myself with anything warm, I was lost in my thoughts. How much he hates me that he doesn't even want to have a child with me, am I so disgusting for him? But I never did anything that could make him feel so disappointed in me. Why is he believing all those rumors instead of me?

He suddenly approached me with a shawl and wrapped it around my shoulder. He wasn't smiling, he was clearly upset about the incident.

"I'll be straight about this...I don't want to have children with you. It's not like I hate kids it's just....you know that I don't love you nor do I accept you as my wife. So please don't expect anything from me. If you wish to have a child we can adopt one, don't worry I'll provide everything to the child but in return don't expect anything from me."

Saying that he left me there all alone. I was standing there staring ahead blankly. I couldn't feel my legs, I look up at the sky and felt my eyes and cheeks getting wet. Soon my legs also gave up and I remain on the ground and silently cried like a mess.

How could I not expect anything from you? You are my husband and I loved you...I love you so much. I believe that you will turn a soft heart towards me. Not soon maybe a bit too late but you will look back in my direction but then why are you still trying so hard to keep those hard walls? Why are pushing me away?

This hurts so much, I can't feel anything. My husband doesn't want to have children with me what could break a woman than this. It hurts so bad.

I didn't go back to our bedroom anymore that night instead I stayed awake all night while roaming around our yard or sometimes seating at our small greenhouse. My mind was blank I couldn't process what to do or not.

Then 7 months ago I heard him talking on the phone with someone, I accidentally eavesdrop on his conversation I was originally planning to go and clean his study. That day it was a surprise for all of us he came home without any family staying at our mansion. He looked messy and happy. I was confused to see him so I asked if he wanted to drink hot chocolates or not. He nodded and for the first time in life after such a long time, he smiled at me gently and genuinely.

I was caught off guard, it happened so fast and suddenly I couldn't proceed with what happened. Had I known what all that mean I wouldn't have expected anything. Because then for 2 months he looked happy and excited about something. He started to come back home on regular basis. I was happy, I was so happy to realize that I won't have to wait for him for dinner, his favorite foods won't go off the waste. I can see him more often and all this made me so happy.

Bit my happiness didn't last long until I heard his conversation on phone. I still remember his words, "but she told me that she'll come back to me. Damn it when will she come back it's been 2 months already...I called her so many times even texted her too...she briefly replied to me. I want to see her. I miss her so much. Heejin was supposed to come to me after she gave birth and it's been 8 months already. I can't wait to embrace her again dude."

Upon hearing this I hurriedly came to our bedroom and lock myself. I could hear my heartbeat rising rapidly, my blood was boiling. I didn't want to think of anything so I tried to busy myself with random works. I took out all my clothes and started to rearrange my wardrobe even though I cleaned it that morning. But my mind was full of his conversation. I tried so hard not to think or cry but I couldn't help and ended up locking myself inside the bathroom for God knows how long and kept crying like a mess.

I forced myself not to think anything negative and thought maybe he was talking about some of his friends and friends can miss each other it's normal, I shouldn't think anything unnecessary and trust my husband. No matter what he won't cheat on me.

And I trusted him. Until when? Idk. But I'm sure everything will be alright.

But that didn't happen, suddenly taehyung came back to his old cold self. He started to drink too much and never come back home. He started to blame me for ruining his life, he started to call me names and the new thing he started was insult me deliberately in front of our maids and workers. It was so humiliating. Yes, I know they all are well aware of my relationship with taehyung but at least he never insulted me in front of them and that lead them to pretend everything is okay between us. But what now? They can't even look me in eyes...now I can clearly see the pity look in their eyes.

That hurts, hurts so so bad. About 5 months later we'll step on 2 years of marriage life. And I hope everything will start to be okay slowly by then and I wish to celebrate our 3rd year anniversary of him smiling with me and saying he is genuinely happy to have me in his life, that he deserves me and I deserve him. I wish that to happen a little bit sooner.

I putting all my hopes on your basket dear lord. So please look up at me as well.

And dear Kim TaeHyung I'll be waiting for you. Even if I'm on my death bed I'd still like to hear those genuine words from you. So please hurry up and look back. I'm waiting for you.

Kim Y/N.....

Taehyung POV:

I close the diary and sit on my bed. I put the diary next to me and breathed out heavily. I breathe in and breathe out again...I keep doing this until my tears finally found it was back to stream down.

My heart is going wild and my mind is blank. All I can remember is how I treated her, I grab my hair tightly with my hands and groan as loud as I could. I beat my head for several seconds but stop midway when I heard a knock on my door.

"Young master? Is everything alright? We heard you screaming?"

It was Albert. I suck in some breath and told them that I'm fine I just saw a nightmare. I apologized for waking them up. After they went back I climb down from my bed and grabbed the strongest alcohol I've currently and started to drink it slowly as I walk toward my balcony.

It was almost 3 in the morning and the weather seems so cold but the rage I've in for myself is helping me to stay warm.

I started to recall everything I read in that diary and sip on the bottle and swallow a good about of alcohol down my throat.

"How could do that to her Kim TaeHyung? How dare you!!!"

I stare up at the sky for a long time until I felt dizzy and all those thoughts were making circles around my mind.

That's when it hit me. I walk back inside my room and put down the bottle on my nightstand and grab my phone. My eyes were getting blurry so I hurriedly call my PA and thankfully he picked up immediately.

[On phone]

"Find Kim Y/N at any cost." I can hear his breath heavily. He seems shocked and scared. "Boss you didn't call my 3 in the morning to do the research again of your wife or did you?"

"Haaa!! Are you questioning me now? Do as I say I'll ask about the report first tomorrow morning." I hear him groan and move. "Fine." And then I hang up the call.

No matter what now I won't stop looking for you. No matter what people say or do I will keep looking for you until the day I breathe my last breath. I've to apologize for everything I did for you. I want to tell the truth and that I was originally planning on starting a new life with you.

I want to tell you everything you wanted to hear from me. So please just appear in front of me ASAP y/n-ah. I want to see you smile for me and I promise I won't look any other way.

I was staring at the ceiling while thinking about all this. Put my phone on the nightstand and felt like my eyes were getting heavy so I slowly close them. Thinking about Y/n.

I'd do everything you will say. So just for the last time dear lord listen to my prayers and desperation and help me find my wife. I won't harm her and I promise to you I will keep your precious safe and sound. So please hear my prayers and fulfill them.

I want to tell her that I've fallen in love with her a long time ago but my stupid ass eyes and heart were blind to replies to it. Let me show you my love for you. And I promise you won't regret it this time and I won't let that happen.

I promise you that whole heartily.

✿●●●●●●●●●●●●●✿

Hope y'all are doing fine. I originally planned on updating on 2nd August it was my birthday but because I had the worst birthday and my health wasn't in a good term I couldn't update I apologize. I'm still not fine and because of so much stress and upside-down life, I'm unable to concentrate on one topic so it's getting hard for me to update.

Anyway, I'll update a few more chapters soon. I've an entrance exam on 21st August and another's results will come out soon. I'm hella worried and scared...pray that your author nim gets a chance on both places so my father won't attack me. I'm 99% scared because of my father attacking like beast titan suddenly if I didn't get a chance on any of those varsity. So PRAY FOR ME GUYSSSS.

Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint anyone with today's chapter. Hope you enjoyed so make sure to VOTEEEEEEEE and comment and share. Follow meeeee as well. Thanks.

To Be Continued