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Laying on my bed I kick my feet up against the wall while listening to generic radio pop. This had become a regular occurrence for me due to the fact that I had successfully distanced myself from everyone around me. I didn't do it intentionally but I felt like I needed this time to be on my own  and think about what I needed to do rather than push it off by distracting myself. This was extremely hard for me because I never was one to sit back and allow myself to feel things the moment they occurred.

In a sense, it was sort of liberating knowing that no matter what, my life was in my control. This was something that I had forgotten in the past couple of months.

I had such a high, high this summer but that quickly came to a crashing halt. I was beginning to understand that everything felt so suffocating and drastic because I was suppressing everything in order to not dwell on what once was.

I wanted more than anything to go back to where I had friends and felt excitement. But everything must come to an end at some point.

My feelings towards Sadie were still unknown to me, but I understood that there was too much on the line. The decision I had to make about how I was going to approach the situation had to be well thought out because this could backfire in millions of different ways.

There was something about today that made me feel as if some sort of clarity would unveil itself to me.

I roll over grabbing the dirty green converse from under my bed. I take wad of spare change left on my dresser and shove it into the pocket of my corduroys.

The house was empty so I didn't bother letting anyone know that I'd be going out, not that it really mattered.

I make my way over to Finn's room to borrow his Walkman. When I open his desk drawer where he usually keeps it, a playboy magazine was lying on top of a couple of comic books. I pick it up looking at the cover of a half-naked woman. A smirk grows on my face imagining how flustered Finn would be if he knew I found it in his room. What a perv.

Putting the magazine back I continue to search for the Walkman and finally find it under his pillow with a Bowie cassette already inside. Satisfied, I walk out of his room slamming the door and running down the stairs.

It was on the warmer side today so there were a couple of kids out. I rode my bike down the side of the road listening to Tonight. It was only around 3:30 so I had quite sometime before the sun goes down.

My thoughts kept wandering off to Scout and how I wished things between us could've ended a lot better. I know that was kind of a selfish thought since I hurt him so badly. But despite the whole mess we were actually pretty great friends. I had met his grandmother a couple of times because she actually had raised Scout since he was born.

He always allowed himself to show how vulnerable he really was and I admired that. It was so simple being with him. And in no way did I ever feel like I had to read into everything he did because he'd just tell me. This could be contradictory from my part because I never allowed myself to acknowledge when he'd constantly ask me questions about Sadie.

I was just happy that Lizzy made him happy. They were just friends but it was obvious that that wouldn't be true for long. I had only met her once but she was very genuine. The last thing I wanted was to compare myself to her, but it was difficult seeing that I would always have this feeling that I never truly would be enough for someone as kind and open-minded as him. She was just open and so out there it made sense, they made sense. Being completely honest it stung a bit knowing that what we had would eventually be forgotten. I couldn't blame him though I was never completely there. I never allowed myself to completely give myself to him and talk to him on a vulnerable level. In a way, we both knew that I wasn't ready for it all.

After a short ride into town, I stopped by the flower shop I use to frequently visit to pick up some sunflowers. They weren't in season but I was still hopeful.

Walking into the colorful, brick building I am immediately greeted by the elderly woman who owned the shop.

"Hey, Mrs. B," I smiled warmly at her. She quickly brought me in for a hug and asked me how I'd been. I gave her a short response of good and carried on with what I was here to buy.

"You know I haven't seen you in a while. I thought I'd lost my favorite customer." She takes a strand of my hair in between her fingers and strokes it. Normally, I'd be weirded out but sense I'd know her my whole life I dismissed it and smiled.

"I know, I'm sorry. There's a lot going on right now." My sigh makes her raise her eyebrow. Before questioning me any further she bends down over the buckets of flowers pulling the only bouquet of sunflowers.

Handing them to me she pats my shoulder in a comforting manner.

"How's that engagement with the surgeon. Heard you guys moved in with the Doc." Mrs. B sits in her stool behind the counter and leans towards the glass ready to gossip.

I think for a second debating whether I should be honest or give her the response that would make my mother content. Not wanting any more conflict with my mom I tell her the lie.

"It's great. My Mom's really happy." I reach into my pocket taking out a wrinkled 5 dollar bill. She opens the register taking the money with a small nod.

"That's good," she pauses handing me back my change. "The flowers aren't in season but they're still beautiful."

"Thank you, Mrs. B. I'll see you soon." I wave goodbye to her and hop back onto my bike.

It was such a bittersweet feeling being around the familiar places of what seemed like my old life. Even though it was the same town I felt so detached from the places I enjoyed growing up.

It only took me a minute to reach the iron gates of the cemetery. There were a couple of families there but there was still a lonely feeling in the air.

I get off my bike and begin to push it by my side. The cemetery was so big that it took me a few minutes to get to my Grandma's grave.

Ditching my bike on the narrow piece of rode I walk up to the patch of grass where my grandma rested which was under a beautiful oak tree. The leaves had begun to fall so it looked like it was raining color.

Taking a seat on the grass I lay the flowers down on the small hole in the soil. I began to feel guilty for not coming to see her as often as I used to.

I reached for the headphones around my neck hitting play on the Walkman. A lot of people would talk to the headstones but I never felt the need to do that. It was enough knowing that I was around her.

The sun had already begun to set when I decided to go home. I said my goodbye and pedaled back home.

When I arrived the only car in the driveway was Finn's. I turn the doorknob knowing that he never bothers to lock it and walk in. A postcard with bright colors immediately catches my eye once I shut the door.

I pick it up and flip it over. My name was written over the address. Confused I turn it back around examining the big letters spelling out Greetings From California. My fingertip traced the collage of beach and Hollywood pictures. I began to read it.

Hey, baby.
I'm not sure if your mother has told you but I've moved out to California, you'd love it down here. I'd love to see you. - Dad <3

A huge smile grew on my face making my cheeks hurt. "California, huh," I mumbled softly before running up the stairs.

I wasn't one bit surprised that my Mom was in contact with my dad and she knew where he was. I figured that it wasn't worth throwing a fit over so I left it alone.

Playfully barging into Finn's room I throw his Walkman on his bed. "I borrowed this. Oh, and I found your playboy." I quickly add the last bit with a teasing smirk.

I clearly caught him in a bad moment because he was massaging his temples while on the phone. He yelled a "whatever" and slammed it to hang up.

Standing up he shoved me out of his room with one hand  and with the other slammed the door in my face.

"Stay the fuck out of my room, Lana!" He yells through the door. I would ask what was bothering him but I knew he wouldn't tell me. Plus, I figured that's what having siblings was like.

Shrugging my shoulders I walk into my room placing the postcard on my vanity mirror.