I have reached my breaking point. My best friend is in the hospital and the only way that I can visit and see her is through a glass window. My other best friend is my boyfriend and stopped trying to make plans because I'm too busy to follow through with them. My other best friend, yes I have a lot of best friends, took a last-minute flight to Spain, leaving me here to captain a team alone with minimal experience so far. Not to mention that I'm literally studying rocket science.

My scalp hurts from the way I've been threading my fingers through my hair and pulling every time I get frustrated. Alexander has been studying at the hospital to stay close to Charlie so I've been on my own in that regard.

"Reed..." Lucy says and I shake my head, taking my fingers out of my hair and wincing.

"I just need to hang on until Christmas. I just need a couple weeks."

"It's going to get worse with exams. I think you should talk to someone," She says and I sigh. She's right, I know she's right. "This kind of stress...you have too much on your plate for one person to handle. The classes that you take and being on the team is more than enough to keep someone busy. Add being the captain, event planner, a boyfriend, and a sick friend to the mix and you're due for a breakdown any day now."

"Yeah, maybe I'll look into that. All I can think about is how to fit yet another thing into my schedule."

"I think that it's important to try at least. And it's covered by our school insurance, so it's covered."

"Would you come with me?" I ask and she nods.

"Of course. Do you want to go now? Maybe see if they have someone available?" She asks and my shoulders slump. I should be studying. Or planning the upcoming fundraiser. Maddison promised she'd help from afar, but it feels like it's all on my shoulders. I still haven't texted Farris back. And I need to call Charlie soon.

"Okay yeah, we're going now. You just zoned out so hard."

"I'm not so sure about this," I say as Lucy nudges me ahead. According to the receptionist, there is a therapist with an open availability, so Lucy insists on waiting with me for half an hour before I'm called in.

"It's okay, Reed," She assures me, giving me a warm smile and a small push. I do the next part by myself. A tall man with a shiny head and warm eyes greets me and welcomes me into his office. I follow him in and given the choices, I choose the comfortable-looking couch to lounge on. On the table in front of me, there is a box of tissues and a bin full of colorful toys. Upon closer inspection, I realize that they're toys for fidgeting, the kind you can poke, twist, and slide.

"Reed, is it? It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Williams."

"Hi. I just wanted to let you know beforehand that this was my friend's idea and I'm really distracted by a bunch of stuff, so I'm sorry if I waste your time."

"What kind of things are distracting you?" He asks.

"Where do I start? The year started off great. I'm studying nuclear physics and I'm also on the varsity soccer team, so I was busy but I like being busy."

"That's good. But I know a lot about how hard it is to be a student-athlete, juggling your grades and your sport."

"That's not even it. All of a sudden, I started dating my best friend Farris. It was perfect, and then our team captain had to step down and I became a co-captain. She's also my roommate and she has cancer, so she's in the hospital and is getting surgery soon. Then yesterday my co-captain flew to Spain for an emergency and now it's just me. And I don't have any free time, so I don't get to see Farris except I the one class we share. Okay, I think that's it."

Dr. Williams purses his lips and nods, taking it all in. I notice now that he started taking notes, probably to keep track of everything. "Sorry if I'm rambling. I can repeat anything if you didn't catch it."

"No need. To repeat or apologize. It sounds like you have an overwhelming amount of responsibilities, not to mention your roommate's illness. I'm sorry to hear that," I just nod, swallowing the golf ball in my throat. "Did you want to be the captain of your team? I imagine it's a lot of work for someone in your program."

"Charlie, my captain, former captain, and roommate is in Engineering, so..."

"I asked about you," He says and I shrug.

"I accepted it," Is all I can say. He nods. "I know I could probably take it back, but then the team wouldn't have a captain."

"Have you spoken to your coach about the struggles you're having? They might be able to provide solutions."

"I...no I haven't. I could do that."

"Is it a daunting idea to you? Asking for help that way?"

"Uh. Yeah, actually. And I can't talk to Charlie about it because she's got her life to think about. That's more important."

"I understand why you may think this way, but your life is important too, Reed. Charlie isn't the only person you can talk to about this."

"That's why I'm talking to you, probably."

"Have you communicated how you feel with Farris? You said you haven't been able to spend time with him recently. Does he know why?"

"He knows I'm busy. I have to keep bailing on him because there's always something that pops up."

"And if you were in his position, how would that make you feel?"

"If we had plans, and he canceled them?"

"Right."

My face falls. "Probably like those things were more important than spending time with me," My eyes burn with unshed tears. "Do you think that's how he feels? He stopped making plans because I stopped coming to them. I just don't know how to prioritize any of it. I keep thinking it'll get better any day now and...oh god," I groan.

"It would probably be worth talking to him about it. It's hard to guess what people are thinking, and that's why communication in relationships is so hard. It's unfair to assume that Farris knows what is going on in your head, the same way it would be unfair of him to assume what is going on in yours."

"It's just a lot."

"It is. So baby steps. None of this is going to be easy, but it sounds like you've got some good people in your corner to help you out. I can be one of them if you're willing to spare time to talk. Sometimes it helps people to talk it out, figure things out on their own."

"Thank you. Yeah, I think it's about time I get my priorities in order."

"You're not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help."

I gulp, raising my hand to knock on the wooden door. "Remember your key much?" Xander's voice reaches my ears as the door swings open and his face lights up.

"Oh, hey Rat. What brings you here?" He lets me in.

"I was hoping to catch Farris." I wring my hands and wait by the door.

"He should be back soon, you can just wait in his room or on the couch until he gets back. I'm headed out so I can't hang. I'll tell Charlie you say hi," He says and slings his bag over his shoulder before patting me on the head and heading out.

Sighing, I open up Farris' room and decide that I might as well take a nap while I wait, considering my sleep schedule is completely fucked up thanks to my responsibilities. How did everything go so bad so fast?

Instead of the overhead light, I walk to the lamp on his bedside table and turn that on, climbing onto his bed and resting on my side. Before they close, my eyes catch on a leather-bound book on the table. It doesn't have a title on the front but I find myself curious as to what Farris is reading. I thought the closet nerd only read math textbooks.

A leather string is wrapped loosely around the book and it's heavy in my hands. I flip to the first page and my eyes gloss over, flipping quickly through multiple pages of handwriting. It's messy, like whoever wrote this was in a hurry, and I don't recognize it.

The last page is full of spaces and words, instead of being completely filled, and the sheer amount of question marks draws my attention. For the first time since opening this book, I focus on the words and their content, realizing what it is but it's too late.

Has she thought of me today?

Has she noticed that I'm gone?

Does she notice that I'm sad not only when she leaves, but always, because I know she will again?

What does she want from me?

Why don't we talk anymore?

Why don't we play anymore?

Why do I want so much more from her?

When will things change?

Will they ever change?

Will things always be this way?

Will I always be this way?

I can't stop myself from getting to the bottom of the page and only then do I slam the journal closed. I wrap it back up in a rush, placing it back on the nightstand as best I can but the tears are falling from my eyes and I cover my face with my hands as I sob.

Farris chooses that moment to come back, calling out into the apartment for Xander but he won't receive a reply. I only have a second until he comes into his room and I can't hide. I shouldn't. I won't.

His eyes are worried the second the opens the door, and I can hardly meet them as the tears continue to fall and the sobs continue to escape. "Buttercup? Reed. Reed, what's wrong? What happened?" He's at my side in an instant, worried over me when I'm about to break his heart. His hands grip my biceps and he climbs onto his bed to sit across from me as he waits for my answer.

"I came to talk. And I was—" I hiccup. "I was just gonna lay down and wait for you but I saw it. I thought it was a book and I..." I can't even force the words out as my breaths start coming out faster.

Farris catches on and his grip loosens but only for a second. "This?" He asks me hesitantly, holding up the journal. I nod. He purses his lips and nods. "You read it?"

"Only...only one page."

"That's enough."