author's note

I apologize for the quality of this chapter. I'm really tired and trying to meet my deadline and deliver this to you even semi on-time. This will eventually be edited but not today, satan.

The first time that we went through this, we went through it as a family and we were hopeful. I was young, and I was as healthy as someone diagnosed with cancer at the age of fifteen could be. My parents were with me, and Aaron didn't leave my side. Not only that, but he was also a perfect match for bone marrow transplants, and he was more than healthy enough to easily bounce back from the donations. I didn't feel guilty about accepting his help then.

Now, all I want is to be alone. I want Aaron out of this, I want Alexander to never have found me in the hospital, I don't want to tell my coach, my friends, or my family. Most of all, I want the hope back; the potential of a complete and permanent recovery.

I've always believed myself to be a fighter, and I will fight this, but right now, I want a nap, a movie, some sugar, and to forget about it all for a minute.

Reed knows that something is up with me, but she won't ask and she also won't leave my side, which I don't mind. I've avoided all of Alexander's calls and texts, and thankfully he hasn't shown up at our dorm yet. Aaron has checked in with me a few times, and I answer those calls, keeping my responses brief and anything but honest.

Forgoing the nap, I lay down in my bed and open up my laptop, cueing up my favourite streaming service that provides me most of the superhero content that I want. I can feel Reed staring at me, so I inch over and pat the covers on the other side of my bed. She takes my silent offer and joins me, climbing under the covers and crossing her arms over her chest, keeping her eyes on the screen.

"Iron Man or Captain America?" I ask and she shrugs.

"Depends. Which one? Or civil war?"

"Iron Man one or three, or First Avenger."

"But Bucky..." She whines. The Winter Soldier is her favourite movie. Who doesn't love a good villain?

"I don't want to watch them fight each other right now though. Happy-ish please."

She rolls her eyes but she's smiling. "First Avenger."

"Did you pick that because you want to watch it or because you know that I want to watch it?" I ask her.

"Both."

"I will accept that," I mumble and start it, snuggling deeper under the covers and smiling a small smile, but it's the first appearance of one in days.

"You wanna talk about it?" Reed asks as the beginning credits start and I shake my head. "Okay," She says, not pushing me for an answer and I lean my head on her shoulder, grateful to have her here with me.

The door slams open dramatically and I roll my eyes as Reed storms in and Maddison follows behind her, calm and collected. Reed looks between me and our coach, the two of us seated at a conference table in the stadium after having summoned them via email. All they know about this meeting is that it involves the three of us but judging by her face, Reed has already guessed that it's about me and Maddison doesn't seem to be too curious about why she's here. If anything, she looks bored as she looks anywhere but at me.

"Come, sit," Our coach says, patting the top of the table and the two of them obey. My eyes are downcast but I can feel their stares. If I could have forgone all responsibility and been absent for this meeting, I would have. "You two are here so that we can ask you for a favor," Is the way that she phrases it and I screw my face up.

Chancing a glance, I find Maddison's eyes on me and though it's a challenge to hold her gaze, I look straight into her steel grey eyes and see more there than is ever written on her face. "I'm stepping down as captain and I would like for the two of you to be co-captains. Indefinitely." She doesn't seem surprised when the words leave my mouth.

Reed on the other hand has to cover her mouth with her hand as she gasps and stares wide-eyed at me. "This is why you got to choose the movie?"

"I narrowed it down, technically you chose," I mutter unhelpfully.

"Sure, Charlie. Let's focus on that."

"You're the one who brought it up!"

"Oh my good god you two." Our coach cuts in, shutting us up. Reed and I look at each other and I can't stand the hurt look on her face as she silently pleads for me to tell her why this is all happening.

"Reed, stop," Maddison practically orders, elbowing her in the side and Reece looks between us.

"Since when are you two on defending terms?"

"I highly doubt she wants to give it up," Maddison says, referring to my captaincy and hitting the nail directly on the head.

"Whatever Charlotte's reasons may be, she has decided to pass the torch onto the two of you for the rest of the year, rather than have the team uprooted in the middle of the season. I'm here because I think it's a great idea and I hope you'll both accept," Coach says.

"Will you still be on the team?" Reed asks and I quirk my lips to the side.

"Only for a couple more weeks. After that, I'm gonna get busy."

"With what?" Reed questions and Maddison's eyes narrow.

"Everything. School, life, everything else."

Reed visibly hates what I'm doing right now, avoiding her questions and supplying them with vague answers. Her face starts to turn red with frustration so, before she explodes, I give her a small, hopefully good enough explanation.

"I've run into some health problems that are going to keep me from playing the rest of the season, but for now, I'm totally fine and I don't want you to worry about me."

"Does Xander know something that I don't? Is this why he called so much yesterday?"

"I didn't tell him anything."

"But you're not saying no," Reed says and I see Maddison's hand inch a bit to the side, almost looking as though she'd hold Reed back from attacking me. From personal experience, I'd sooner believe she's whispering in her ear the word "attack" after programming her like a dog to do exactly that.

"Reed seems upset that I won't elaborate, but like yesterday she now seems less willing to push than a moment ago, settling more comfortably into her seat and crossing her arms over her chest.

Our coach starts talking but I zone out looking at the wall behind her, staring in her general vicinity. "The way that this will work..."

She doesn't give me the silent treatment, but unlike Alexander who calls me every day and texts me every time he gets the chance, Reed talks to me when necessary, but seems more hurt than anything and I stay silent as the meeting continues. Though I want her to know, I don't want to have to tell her because the less that know the better.

Word about me having cancer will spread now that I'm the English captain of one the best NCAA football teams in the United States, stepping down in the middle of the season for unknown reasons. Whether it's leaked or they start to speculate, I'll be under a microscope, receiving emails about the situation, and post-game interview invitations. Instead, I now get to focus on my studies.

The silver lining is that I get to spend more time creating my game. Though that lining is more of a faded grey when compared to the situation at hand. It may have been my choice to withhold information from my best friend, but right now, the team needs captains, and I need to focus on mentally preparing myself for the second round of a torture that I'm all too familiar with.

"So are we just keeping the bench warm for her, or what?" Maddison asks, though I can see her slight curiosity shine through as she speaks, folding her hands over themselves on the table and picking at her black nail polish. Another message from Alexander comes in and though it's silent, the notification light sup my screen for the nth time and I become annoyed despite the multitudes of concern shown by my friends and acquaintances.

What they see is a strong captain stepping down from a cherished position, rather than a tired, overworked young girl with a childhood full of unhappy memories and a time machine made for me to go back and relive those moments.

Eventually, they agree to co-captain the Red Ridge soccer team in my stead, verbally promising to relinquish their titles to me when I recover, those words breaking my heart because I know that even if I do recover, this league and this level that we play at may never be within my reach again. With that last depressing thought, I leave the room and I don't look back.