24 anxiety attack

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♦ ♦ ♦

When I wake up I expect to be feeling light and satisfied but instead it feels like there is a rock inside of my stomach weighing me down. The levels of anxiety inside my body are almost drowning me in guilt. What kind of guilt... I don't know.

I twist in the sheets but Everett holds me close.

Last night was a little crazy. But a good crazy.

I'd be a liar if I said I didn't like being dominated. I like being shown who's boss, who is in charge. I like submitting because it makes me feel worthy, it makes me feel in control of who I am deep down.

But today is a different story.

My heart aches like it's on fire and I somehow can't catch my breath but I don't want to wake Everett. I don't want him to know I'm like this because he's going to assume it was about last night and maybe somewhere deep down it is but it's not the root cause.

The root cause is embedded in my memories, my fears.

Men get bored. Men get bored. Men get bored. Be respectful because men get bored.

Everett stirs from his sleep a few minutes later but I look away from him so he can't see the look in my eye. Before he says anything, he covers my face with kisses until there hasn't been a single patch of skin he hasn't kissed.

"Good morning, angel," his voice is gruff.

Sleepy voices are made by the Gods.

"Morning," I mumble and bury my head into the pillow.

He places a finger under my chin and tilts. "How are you feeling today?"

I suck in a breath and I find his eyes. My lips form a false smile, nodding in response. "Good. You?"

Everett hums and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth. "Yeah, I feel good. Are you sore or anything?"

My head begins to shake because I haven't even thought about how I'm feeling downstairs. I'm trying to control this anxiety attack that is about to obliterate my chest at any given second.

So far I'm doing a good job at hiding it. I think.

"Good," he mumbles into my neck and I inhale his scent. It should calm me but it doesn't, it bundles my stomach into a knot and suddenly I feel sick.

I rip myself from the bed, strong enough to remove my body from Everett's death grip. My eyes look away from him and I head straight to the bathroom. He doesn't call after me or ask if something is wrong.

When I get to the bathroom I place my hands onto the basin and lower my head. Controlling my breathing before I start panicking, that's the last thing I want when he's right next door. He can't know. He can't know.

I don't know how long I stand here for, but when there is a knock at the door I jump out of my skin. My head whips over my shoulder when I hear Everett's voice. "Angel, are you okay?"

My eyes flutter shut. Fuck. Why does he always have to be so damn sweet?

I feel a thousand times more guilty now. I know I should tell him but I can't.

Hesitantly I walk to the door and open it, forcing another smile up at him. "Hi," my throat clenches.

His brows crease in confusion and I attempt to look away from his beautiful chest and toned abs. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I continue to smile. "I was just freshening myself up."

I watch as his eyes narrow towards me. "Okay," he draws back slowly. "I've got a call I need to go on. Are you going to be okay?"

My lips purse and I nod. "I might go for a walk."

Everett's expression flickers to something I can't read but he leans forward to kiss my forehead anyway. "I'll come see you later, then?"

"Sure."

We part ways once I'm dressed and heading out of the house. I don't go into the woods, I head straight for the market. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself because I know exactly what's going to happen. But maybe I'm trying to prove a point, that I can put myself in that situation and have enough willpower to pull away.

With my new life, with Everett, growing a stable mate bond. Maybe seeing things I could steal, I might not want to anymore because things are different now. I have things to fight for.

Even if my head feels like a fucking mess.

My chest tightens as we get closer. I can see the stalls from a few metres away, it's busy today which means it's easier to take things without getting caught. If I get caught, Everett will fucking hit the fan.

He's told me a million times to talk to him rather than doing stupid things.

But this is different.

My fingers itch as I walk through the market, eyeing up peoples items of food and jewellery. I want to, I want to so bad but I tell myself no. It's not who I am anymore. I don't have to be this person when I'm feeling anxious.

I can put this behind me and focus on my life now. With Everett.

Things can be different if I want them to be. Why am I my own worst enemy?

Later I head home. I'm not proud of myself. I am never proud of myself.

I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have given in and now I feel a thousand times worse. I wish I could take it back. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was someone else who isn't a complete failure all the fucking time.

When I get back to the pack house, I head straight to my spare room and empty the few ornaments I stole into a bag under my bed. They have absolutely no meaning to me, they're even more worthless now.

I hate that I gave in. It proves how weak and stupid and idiotic I am.

My teeth grind into one another and I leave to take a quick shower, anything to make me feel better from what I did. But now the damage is done and I have to spend the next few days with this weight on my shoulders.

When I dry myself off and throw my clothes on, I exit the bathroom and look ahead at my spare bedroom. Everett is sitting down on the bed with his elbows on his knees, hunched forward. I frown and step in, I look down at the bag with the ornaments between his legs.

He can't even look at me right now and I gulp. Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

"I knew something was wrong." His tone isn't even angry or mad and that makes this feel a thousand times worse. He's exhausted.

"You went through my stuff?" I frown when he turns his attention towards me.

He scoffs and stands from the bed, suddenly I feel very small and pathetic against his tall stature. "Because I knew you were hiding something from me. About how you're feeling and I was right!"

I flinch at his loud voice and his face softens at my reaction.

"Why don't you talk to me, Reign? I don't understand."

My teeth clamp around a piece of skin inside my cheek and I glance at the wall.

"No," he shakes his head and steps closer. "Don't do this. Don't go back to this. Ignoring and giving me the cold shoulder when I ask about your wellbeing. I thought we were past this. Reign, please."

I fold my arms across my chest, still avoiding his gaze. "It's something I can't control."

Everett exhales a sharp breath. "No but you can get help for it, Reign. This is serious."

My head whips to him, scowling at his words. "Don't you think I know this is serious?"

"It's a criminal act, this shit could get you punished if people wanted to escalate. People could hurt you for this, fuck they could even kill you! You're not taking this seriously at all."

I say nothing and glance away. Everett huffs out a sigh and steps closer.

"Reign," he says. "Did you hurt yourself?"

"No," I shake my head and he stares at me, unknowing. "Or do you want me to show you because you don't believe me?"

Everett's jaw clenches and then relaxes. "I believe you. But I'm worried about you."

I can feel angry tears heat up behind my eyes and I step back, turning away from the spare room.

His hand latches around my wrist to stop me. "Don't walk away from me."

My shoulders sag and eventually he lets go but I'm still not looking at him. I can't because I will panic, I will panic and he will know that I'm crazy. That I am not the person he has wanted this whole time. I am nothing but a failure, a disappointment.

"Reign," he grips my shoulder gently.

It hurts that he's used my name multiple times. Not once called me that sweet nickname he gave me, because right now I'm not sweet. This is real.

"Do you think I belong here?"

"What?"

"Do you think I belong here?"

He turns me around to face him, searching my face for answers because I can tell he's confused. "What are you even talking about? Of course you belong here. You belong right here with me."

Tears dribble down my cheeks and he leans forward to wipe them away. I hate crying. I fucking despise it but right now I feel like a ball of mess and nothing is going my way. I can never make myself or others happy.

Everett tilts his head. "Does this have anything to do with us having sex?"

I wince at the question. A part of me wants to blurt out everything I'm feeling but I don't because I would hate for him to see me differently. Not that I have anything to prove to him but now I guess his opinion matters.

He's the only one who cares about me right now and I'd be stupid to push him away.

"So I'll take that as a yes," he frowns but keeps his hand on my cheek. "Was it something I did? Something I said? I'm sorry if I hurt you. I gave you that safe word to use but maybe that's my fault for no–"

"No," I cut over him.

I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes. He did nothing wrong.

"Did I trigger you?"

My lips purse. "The aftercare got me." I admit.

Everett pulls back a fraction, eyebrows furrowing in deep confusion. "What do you mean?"

I wipe away my rogue tears. "No one has ever cared for me like that," my voice gets caught in my throat. "Took care of me after being so vulnerable."

His other hand clutches my jaw and he pulls our foreheads to one another, his chest heaving like crazy. "Please tell me who the fuck has done this to you so I can kill them slowly, very fucking slowly," his tone is quiet but deadly.

"I wasn't a saint in the past."

"I don't think anyone has been," he whispers, flicking his glassy eyes between mine.

My eyes flutter shut and I inhale. "It's too painful to talk about. I don't want to panic and I know I will."

Everett grazes his thumb across my cheekbone soothingly. "I'm still working towards earning your trust," he whispers. "I want to give you everything in the world. I want to make you happy and content. But I also want to give you space when you need it."

Someone who is understanding. I need that and somewhere deep down inside my heart, I know Everett is that person even if it's hard to admit.

"Do you think we should hold off on the intimacy part?"

My eyes snap open to his. "No," I shake my head. "It's nothing to do with us having sex. If anything, that's the part that makes me feel like I can be normal, that I can fit into society by doing coupley things with you. And I enjoyed yesterday, I just didn't expect to feel so anxious this morning."

Everett kisses my forehead. "What helps with your anxiety?"

"Peppermint tea usually, sometimes doing something I'm familiar with because it gives me comfort. I do breathing exercises if I think I'm close to an anxiety attack."

"Tell me your breathing exercises," he drops my face and takes my hand instead.

My eyes trail over his handsome face. He wants to learn? "I usually breathe in for four, hold for two and then out for four. Then once I've done those I'll do the same but attempt to breathe out for six and then eight. Sometimes I change breathing in to six if my lungs will allow me. Until my breathing is level and I don't think I'm going to panic anymore."

Everett listens and then repeats back what I do in perfect description. "Is that right?"

"Yes. Why do you want to know?"

"So I know how I can help if you ever feel like that again."

My lips tremble subtly and I force my head into his chest. He wraps his arms around me and places his chin on top of my head. "But we might have to order in some peppermint tea because we have none of that."

I exhale a small laugh or I'll cry. "You don't need to do that."

"No you're right, I don't need to. I have to."

Nope that's it. My eyes are set off again until I'm sniffling into his chest. He grips me tighter but I'm still going to cry because no one has ever put in this much effort, tried to make me feel this comfortable. I can't even fight it anymore.

"How are you feeling now?" He cradles the back of my head with his warm hand.

"Better now I've spoken to you about it." I admit. Something I thought I'd never say.

Everett presses a kiss to the top of my head. "See? Talking helps. I want you to talk to me, angel."

"I will try next time. I promise."

♦ ♦ ♦

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Author's Note

Hello my loves, what did you guys think of this chapter?πŸ‘‰πŸΌπŸ‘‰πŸΌπŸ‘‰πŸΌ

Ugh, seeing Reign's anxiety flare up and Everett being on it knowing something is wrong. The way he cares for her, I genuinely can't deal. Getting the peppermint tea and learning her breathing exercises. I am unwellπŸ₯ΉπŸ« 

These two will be the death of me!

Don't forget to vote if you enjoyed, it really means the world to me!

Love Savanna x

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