- - try again - d.ear, Jaehyun - -

„...And then I just left. I feel so bad now, it just  hurts so much and I don't know why", I ended explaining.

I was crying again.
They both comforted me, already since I started explaining everything.

„Okay. First of all, you have to ask yourself the question: do you like him?", Esther started asking calmy.

I thought about it. I feel happy every time he's around. When he smiles, it brightens up my world. And when he grabbes my hand, I have this feeling in my stomach.

I nodded slowly.

„I- I don't know. I mean, maybe, I  think I could like him, just a little bit", I answered.

„You think? Honey, it's obvious, you are so in love with him", she added.

A little smile creeped over my face.
I don't even know why.
But I just didn't felt like I wanted to bury myself into my pillows anymore.

„And now, you have to ask yourself: Why don't you want to tell him?"

I thought again about her question.

Why didn't I wanted to tell him?

Was this friendship so important to me?

It was, of course.

But it should be better when we were together.

I mean, I like him, more than as a friend.

I want to be more than his friend.

But it's just the thing that I feel safer with a friendship.

I feel like I don't have this much pressure on me, to be someone's girlfriend.

And when this someone is Hwang Hyunjin, the people have even higher expectations on you. But it's not really about the people, I don't really care about the people.

It's more about me.

I would put a high pressure on myself if I would date someone.

And I always feel a little bit paranoid.
I will always have the feeling of getting used, again.
It's this trauma, that will never disappear.

But if I just ignore all of that, if I just give no fucks and get out of my comfort zone, there's still another problem.

My life would be hell.

With all the psychotic girls that hate me, it wouldn't be easy for me.

"(Y/n)?", Chaeyoung asked.

I snapped out of my thoughts.
I didn't noticed that I completely zoned out.
And I forgot to answer the question.

"I don't know why I don't want to tell him. I just don't feel like it. It doesn't feel right. Us being totgeht doesn't feel right. And I am scared", I am werde and looked to the ground.

"Scared of what?"

"Scared of being used again. Scared that he will not treat me well. I mean, do you guys remember Hyunjin from a few months ago? He was like a different person. But maybe he hasn't changed completely."

Esther came and hugged me again.

"Oh (Y/n)nie. There's nothing to be scared of. There's a reason why he changed. That was because of you. And I'm sure he would treat you the best he could", she tried to encourage me.

"But what if this ruins our friendship?"

"It won't ruin your friendship. I think you guys would still be best friends of you were a couple. Because you already act like you're a couple, but like friends at the same time. I think the only thing that would change would be some more kisses and some more bang bang", Chaeyoung explained.

I needed to laugh a little bit at her explanations.

But then I remembered my last point.

"And what about the other girls? They will all hat me. I mean, they already hated me before we were together. I was the slut, because I hung out with guys and stuff, but what would they do if they found out that Hyunjin's my boyfriend? They will think I only played this friendship to get fucked by him."

"Just forget about them. It's summer break. You don't have to see them. And when we go back to school, it will be an old topic and nobody will care about it anymore. Am I right?"

Chaeyoung nodded to confirm Esther's explanation.

And they were right.

I had no more reason not to tell Hyunjin how I feel.

"Girls, I love you, you are really the best. I don't know what I would do without you", I said smiling all we all hugged.

But then I pulled away.

I remembered something.

"I need to apologize. Now", I said and already took my phone.

But Chaeyoung took the phone out of my hands.

"You shouldn't contact him now. It seemed to be pretty intense what you said to him. When you apologize now, he will be confused and maybe made the wrong decision. It's too soon. I would wait until he calmed down a little bit", she explained.

I nodded.

I was a little bit disappointed.

I wanted to fix the mess I created as soon as possible.

But it was true, I needed to wait until I tried again.

"But when do I know when he calmed down?"

Esther stood up.

"Okay, first step: don't stress yourself too much and forget him for some time. Second step: distract yourself a little bit. And I gave the perfect idea for that. Get a little bit ready so that you don't look like a homeless anymore and we three go shopping together." She smirked.

Chaeyoung also stood up.

"Great idea", she said smiling.

I also smiled.

"Okay."
~~~~~
(A/n)

Omg I forgot again to update yesterday I am so sorryyyyy

But I had a date

Ok no

I wouldn't get a date

I went out with a friend

And bc it was all so spontaneous I forgot to update

And we need to talk about the song again

Love it

Even tho it's already from 2017

I still listen to it

It's just a masterpiece

Bye bye my babies <3