FUCK

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Β  Β "Y/n! Can you slow down!"Β 

I ignored Matt's request and continued to speed down the street, handkerchief clad note in hand.Β 

Where to? The police.Β 

It was a lead, and I needed to find out who had burnt down my house because it sure as hell wasn't me.

I was pissed and I think it was rather obvious to the multitude of people who quickly scurried out of my way on the trip to the station.Β 

"I need to talk to a detective," I said, walking up to the desk.Β 

"And why is that?" The woman at the counter asked.Β 

I didn't like her attitude, "I believe I have a link on the City Side apartment fire."Β 

"And what is the evidence?"Β 

"A note."Β 

The woman quirked an eyebrow, "A note? And you think that's evidence."Β 

"As a matter of fact, yes I do. Now please get a detective before I go grab one myself."Β 

She rolled her eyes and left down the hall.Β 

"That was rather forceful."Β 

"They wouldn't have listened to me, Matt! Did you see the way she rolled her eyes? What a bitch." I whispered harshly to Matt who stood, arms crossed next to me.

"You have evidence on the City Side fire?" A short man with greying hair and a squashed face looked at me.Β 

"Yes."Β 

He sighed, "Okay then, follow me 'Time Warp'." Matt went to follow but the man stopped him, "Not you."Β 

I followed the man into an office, where he sat down behind the desk, "Please, sit."Β 

I obliged.Β 

"So what is this evidence."Β 

I lifted up the cloth in my hand, "It's a note, I found it when I went back into my apartment. It hasn't been touched by the fire and I haven't touched it so there might still be fingerprints on it. I think that whoever left the note started the fire."Β 

The man looked at the note. "So you didn't put that in your apartment to claim the insurance?"Β 

"What!" I gaped, "Excuse me? Are you saying that I burned down my own house?"Β 

"It's not out of the question."

"Why would I burn down everything I owned?"Β 

"Like I said, money. That area isn't really known for its wealthy inhabitants."Β 

I stared at him in shock, but he just ignored me and continued with his questions.Β 

"And what does this note you found say?"

"Fuck you."Β 

The man laughed, "Very creative. So when did you come up with this?"Β 

"This is ridiculous." I glared at him.Β 

"What's ridiculous is this false claim, now please leave before I fine you for wasting police time."Β 

My legs shot up and I grabbed the note, "Maybe you should take some advice from the arsonist who left this note: Go fuck yourself." I slammed the door behind me and stormed into the waiting room, not even saying anything to Matt, just leaving the station, although he followed behind me.Β 

"So they didn't believe you?"Β 

"What do you think?"Β 

"I know some people from my old university that could analyse the note for fingerprints?" Matt offered.Β 

"Honestly, that would be great Matt. I just can't believe how that guy just dismissed me straight away! He thought I burnt down my house. Why the hell would I burn down my own house?"Β 

"I imagine he doesn't want any more paperwork. I've worked with the police before and there's a lot of it."Β 

"I get that, but don't you join the force to help people? That was the opposite of help."Β 

"Unfortunately people are like that y/n."Β 

"Yes Matt I know, I'm not 5." I sighed. "Who do you think would've burned down a whole block of flats just to say 'Fuck you'?"Β 

"You want my thoughts? Someone who really has something against you- or someone in that building."Β 

We walked down the street in silence, my thoughts continued to rush around different culprits. Did I have any enemies?Β 

I didn't think so.Β 

The only thing I could think of were those dreams I've been having recently but that wouldn't make any sense. I wasn't even sure if they were real, why would they set my house alight?Β 

The constant barraging of thoughts kept me pacing, even when I got back to Shota's apartment, I couldn't sit down. I moved from pacing in front of the windows to pacing around the corridors.Β 

More and more thoughts stopped my brain from thinking clearly. This whole note thing had thrown me into a loop. I had given it to Matt so that he could send it off to a friend from university but that still didn't help me calm down.Β 

I eventually ended up on the floor of the kitchen, crouched in a corner. My breaths laboured and quick.Β 

Breathe.Β 

I tried to calm myself down, but I was already in too deep. Someone had once told me that if you were suffering from a panic attack, you just had to ride it out. So that's what I did.Β 

Or at least I tried to.Β 

Letting the panic wash over me just made it worse. I couldn't focus on anything. All I could hear were my own frantic breaths.

Breathe.Β 

What had Shota said to me the last time this happened?

'Deep breaths.'

'In and out.'

I repeated his words in my head, those being the only thing I could focus on at that moment.Β 

"Come on, come on, come on," I muttered to myself, slamming a closed fist into my thighs in a desperate attempt to force myself into a more stable frame of mind.Β 

I need a distraction.Β 

The first time I'd ever had a panic attack, I was at school. I think I was probably 12 or 13? It's not really a memory I like to reminisce on. I remember the people around me looking at me. The sudden onslaught of eyes I felt on me only made it worse. One of my friends had to pull me out of the classroom because I was too determined to let it pass.Β 

I guess that's a thing I haven't grown out of. I'm still the exact same 13-year old that never wanted to be viewed as fragile.Β 

'Deep breaths.'

'In and out.'

But that's the truth. Just when I thought my life was getting back on track- things start to go wrong. Someone burnt down the apartment block I was living in for god's sake.

'Deep breaths.'

'In and out.'

'Deep breaths.'

'In and out.'


'Deep breaths.'


'In and out.'



'Deep breaths.'



'In and out.'






'Deep b rea t h s.'




'I n an dΒ  Β  Β  Β out.'










'DΒ  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β eeΒ  p b reΒ  Β a tΒ  Β  Β hΒ  Β  Β s.'














"FUCK!"


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