excuse any mistakes..

"So what makes you feel like you have to physically hit someone?" Dr.Kay asked.

"I don't know...when I feel tried or when I'm aggravated with someone" I shrugged, I never thought about that before.

"Okay then...what if I say something rude to you, or something that offends you. Are you going to hit me?" She questioned me again causing my face to frown.

"Of course not, I'll let you know that it bothered me and I'll probably end up finding a new therapist" I joked causing her to chuckle.

"Exactly so why do you feel the need to physically hit Kori when he makes you upset?" She asked.

"Um.." I looked down and started to fidget with my fingers, I wasn't expecting that.

"Take your time hun." She nodded.

"To be honest Dr.Kay, I really don't know... I just do, then I feel bad later" I sighed.

"Can I tell you what I think?" She asked causing me to quickly nod.

"I feel as if your past trauma is starting to take a hold on you. Like you stated before, you used to be in a very abusive relationship.. verbally and physically. You're so used to being smacked, punched, or even having things thrown from when your ex used to get upset with you that it's normalized in your brain that it's okay."

"Even though Kori is a man, it still doesn't justify the abusive behavior." She finished.

"But how do I stop? I swear it's like a quick instinct" I shook my head.

"Try expressing your feelings more, when something bothers you confront it verbally. He's a man so he isn't going to take you putting your hands on him lightly, please consider this before things get worse." She advised causing me to nod.

I never realized how wrong I was until actually hearing it, it feels like I'm repeating a cycle.

—

"Hey big mama" I said as I walked into my god children's nursery.

Magic Hour X Jhene Aiko played lowly as Harlym sat in the middle of the floor packing the baby's hospital bags.

"Hey pretty, how'd you get in?" She asked.

"Kai and I got here at the same time, so he let me in" I said before sitting in the recliner.

"Oh okay, what's that?" She pointed to the bag next to me.

"I went shopping for my babies, ima keep it at my house though. I just wanted to show you because I found some really cute stuff" I squealed before pulling everything out.

"Between you and my mom I don't know who's going to spoil them the most." She laughed.

"Aww look at the little sandals and the bathing suits" Harlym smiled as she looked through the clothes.

"The bathing suits are a no for me but everything else is nice" Kai said causing both of us to roll our eyes as he walked in with a bowl of mangoes.

"They'll be with me wearing them anyways, my little beach babies" I smirked.

"A shirt and swimming trunks will do just fine, they don't need all that skin out anyways, " he shrugged.

"Swimming trunks are for boys and we're clearly having two girls" Harlym stale faced him playfully.

"How you been sis?" Kai looked over to me as he sat down next to Harlym on the floor.

"Uhh..good I guess" I shrugged as I put the clothes back inside of the bags.

"Dior" Harlym said softly causing me to look up to the both of them giving me a sympathetic look.

"Please don't start guys...I'm fine really"I tried to smile but failed miserably when the tears started to cascade down my face.

"Oh baby" Harlym hurriedly stood up and pulled me into a hug.

It felt like we were hugging for hours, she didn't let go and I honestly didn't want her to. 

"Talk to me Dior, you know I'm always here...LITERALLY" Harlym chuckled.

"I'm sorry that I didn't come to you sooner, I just know that you guys have been super busy with preparing for the girls... I just didn't want to pile all my problems on you and cause unnecessary st-"

"Dior, you're my best friend...I'm never too busy for you. I never really addressed it because I thought that you would come to me but it seems like you were willing to suffer in silence. Why do you do that?" She asked.

"I don't know.. I feel embarrassed sometimes because when you met me I was so full of life... I wasn't fully healed yet but I was getting there. Now look at me... a fucking depressed espresso" She said causing the both of us to bust out laughing.

"Y'all are nuts." Kai shook his head laughing.

"You have no reason to be embarrassed, I have high hopes that you'll get back to your healing process. You'll be better than the girl that I first met in fact.  Don't ever feel like you can't come to me about anything, that's what I'm here for" Harlym smiled.

"I love you girl" I pouted before pulling her into another hug.

"Are you coming to bed or what? Milan asked standing next to the Tv with one hand on her hip.

"Yeah when I'm finished playing the game" I sighed.

"Bull shit! You said that yesterday and the day before and you always fall asleep on the couch" She fussed.

"I fell asleep, what the fuck else do you want me to say?" I asked as I paused the game. Milan has been nagging all week, that's why I try my best to not be around her.

"Ever since we met up with Harlym you've been acting real iffy. What you fucking her or something?" She scrunched up her face.

"Bit- yo do you hear yourself talking right now? And why are you all of a sudden obsessed with this Harlym situation? I been told you to drop it but you keep pressing the fucking issue. You acting real bitter, that's why I ain't been fucking with you here lately because your energy is off. Get your shit together and stop nagging me bro, real shit" I said before unpausing my game.

I don't need that negative shit around me, I fought too hard to get out of that dark space and I refuse to let anymore bad energy around me.

-

This was pretty short, I know it's been  awhile but writer's block is definitely a pain in the ass.

VOTE AND COMMENT