──sixteen

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OLIVIA KINSLEY IS AWARE HOW STUPID SHE IS. In fact, she's so aware of it that she wants to hit herself with a moving bus. However, she's very much 11 weeks pregnant and there are no buses in Hogwarts so that would have to be postponed.

She wonders exactly when she has become so dependent on James that it almost feels impossible to go through her day without the king of gryffindor tailing her around, but it's a proven fact that an abusive household produces damaged children with no idea how to deal with their emotions. Being beaten and told she's useless all her life, Olivia finds it hard to believe anyone would ever want her for being herself.

Another proven fact is that it's very hard to ignore the father of the child you're currently carrying. So hard, in fact, that Olivia's taken to hiding in the restricted section of the library. She's not even sure anymore if she's ignoring him because she can't face the feelings she knows would undoubtedly appear, or if she's so embarrassed by her actions that she's decided to drag it out for as long as she could. She truly has no idea anymore at this point.

She knows it's wrong, but she's become so desperate to ignore James that Olivia has taken to neglecting her prefect duties. Classes had become a game of tag with Olivia not appearing till the very last minute that James would have no choice but to wait till the end and Olivia running out of the room before the clock even hits the time.

The only good thing to come out of her stupidity would be that she finally has the time to read the baby books Remus had been telling her to read.

However, she knows she can't avoid James forever. One way or another, she'd have to face him eventually considering the fact that they share a baby. She knows something would force her to talk to him in the end. What she hadn't anticipated was for that something to be the very stern Minerva Mcgonagall.

Olivia had never been that close to the head of house. She respects her as a teacher, as a person, but most of all, as a strong woman. She knows the marauders fondness over the professor, but she never thought she'd experience it first hand.

She stood corrected as she looked up at the women from her place on the dusty floor. Minerva looked at Olivia with the most stern yet the most motherly look ever that it almost makes her ache, not ever experiencing having someone look at her in that way.

"Ms. Kinsley, I may not be a mediwitch, but I'm certain staying in a room full of dust is not good for a pregnant lady," she scolded, looking at Olivia knowingly.

The slytherin couldn't help but give an unsure smile as she pulled herself up from the floor. "You're right, professor."

"Follow me."

Olivia couldn't help but be terrified as she followed behind the woman, wondering if she would get in trouble. As they round every hallway and pass every door, her heart seems to beat faster and faster with each step. It's no secret that the head of gryffindor is known for being strict, not at all tolerating any law breaking. However, Olivia is certain she hasn't broken any school rules apart from ditching her patrols, but she knows that the teachers' know about her condition and often excuse her absences.

"Take a seat," Mcgonagall instructed as they reached her office.

Olivia did as she was told, sitting in uncomfortable silence for a few moments as she waited for the professor to say something instead of watching her as if knowing something she doesn't. Olivia is sure that Minerva Mcgonagall does, in fact, know many things she doesn't.

"Have a biscuit," the transfiguration teacher said, pushing the bowl of snacks on her desk closer to Olivia.

"No, thank you, professor."

"Please," she said impassively. "I insist. They're very good."

Not knowing what else to do, Olivia finally obliged, reaching for one before quickly unwrapping it and taking a bite. She's right. The biscuits do taste good and Olivia is tempted to reach for another one.

"So," Minerva started. "I heard you've been ignoring James. Would you tell me why that is, Olivia?"

Olivia almost chokes at the bluntness of her words, but she manages to swallow her food first before clearing her throat. "I--"

"I must tell you that whatever we talk about will stay in this room," Minerva interrupted. "So feel free to tell me anything."

Olivia briefly wonders if the biscuits had veritaserum as she suddenly feels the urge to lay her soul bare in front of the older woman. "I--I like him. I like him a lot and he kissed me."

The professor's eyebrows furrowed as if not quite understanding what truly is happening. "If that's the case, then I don't see what the problem is?"

"Because I'm scared," she finally admits, looking down at her hands. "I'm scared to let someone in because all I've ever known my entire life is disappointment. And I'm scared that in the long run, James will just be another regret."

"Oh, sweet girl," Minerva says with sympathy. "But how will you ever know if you don't give him a chance?"

"I'm scared," she repeated. "But what if I'm right? Feelings are shitty things anyway. They're a waste of time."

Minerva can only wonder what this girl had gone through for her to make that conclusion. With Amara, the young professor had truly grown to be fond of, she's had a glimpse of the Kinsley Children's lives inside their home, but she still can't help but feel sorry. No child deserves to grow up believing their feelings don't matter.

Minerva leaned forward, meeting Olivia's striking grey eyes. "I'm telling you now, Ms. Kinsley, I have known James Potter since that boy was eleven. And I will be the first to tell you that he is not a perfect man. He's made mistakes, many of them, but he is a man. His heart is in the right place. And I doubt he would purposely hurt anyone, much less you."

"I know that," she mumbled. "That's what makes it so much worse."

Minerva smiled at the girl, knowing that despite her maturity, Olivia is still just a child. A child who needs guidance. "Talk to him, Olivia. You have to remember that you're not just deciding for yourself. Your baby's life will be affected by your decisions."

Olivia never thought she'd ever tell Minerva Mcgonagall about her inner demons, yet there's something about the woman that would have you spilling your secrets after just a few words and biscuits.

Finally, Olivia nodded, knowing she was right. She has to stop thinking about just herself. Har baby deserves its father, and it doesn't deserve a mother who won't even try. She adores him. She adores everything that makes up James Potter, but she keeps pretending she doesn't in fear he might not feel the same. Olivia had always been very good at pretending. Her face could be the perfect image of calm, and yet her inner demons were wreaking havoc in her mind. But this time, she'd stop pretending. For once, she'd act with her heart.

"I'll talk to him," she finally said, standing up. "Thank you so much, professor."

Minerva smiled proudly at the girl. "Remember, ms. Kinsley. If it's real, it'll hurt like hell. If it doesn't hurt, it's not real."

"It hurts now," she admitted.

The woman's eyes twinkled. "Then it must be real."

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OLIVIA'S MIND SPUN JUST THINKING ABOUT TALKING TO JAMES. Her emotions were all over the place and she doesn't know how to control them. Emotions had always been her weakest point. Oftentimes, she doesn't know what to do with them. She spends her life being ruled by her head, and never by her heart and now she doesn't know how to give up control and let her heart make the decisions for her.

She's always been terrified to get attached, scared that it'll only destroy her in the end. But she's gotten attached. There's no point in denying it anymore. She's falling, and she's falling hard and fast.

Olivia was not surprised to find James in front of her dorm, leaning on the wall with his head done, his eyes trained on the floor, a curtain of hair covering his face.

Olivia felt so guilty then. James deserves better than a woman terrified of loving him.

"James," she called softly, wanting to reach out and push his hair back, but she kept her hand by her side.

The boy quickly looked up, relief showing in his face. James didn't hesitate to close the distance between them and pull her into his chest. "I'm sorry. Merlin, I'm so sorry, Liv. I shouldn't have done that without knowing if you feel the same, but I was just so happy and you were there and you looked so fucking beautiful in front of the sun like that and I got carried away, but I know I shouldn't have done it. Merlin, this isn't how I wanted you to know. I'm so fucking stupid. Then you were gone before I could apologize and--"

"James, stop," she said, interrupting his nervous rambling. "Calm down. It's okay."

"It is?" James asked, looking shocked. Olivia quickly realized her mistake.

"I mean--I guess it's not really, but it's not because of you. It's my fault." She said, pulling away from him. "You don't know what you're getting into, James. You don't even know me."

"I know you," he insisted. "You hate the color orange because you said it's too loud. You open your windows at night to let the wind in, but you always wake up from the heat when the sun comes. You hate anything strawberry flavored, but you can finish a tray of fresh strawberries by yourself. You say you don't like getting attached yet you tell Lucas everyday how amazing he is and you play Love of my life when you feel Remus stressed because you know it calms him. You say you don't understand emotions, yet out of all of us, you feel the most. In fact, you feel so hard that you don't know what to do with those feelings anymore so you deny them hoping they'd disappear. I know you, Olivia."

"You only know this Olivia," she says. "You don't know me then. You don't know that Olivia who spent her childhood hiding in her closet or the Olivia who turned her wand on herself, hoping it would finally silence the demons."

"Then tell me," he pleads with his eyes as he grabs her hand, holding it in his own. "Let me know you."

"I'm a mess," she says. "I'm going to break your heart."

"Then break it. Break it all you want. It's only ever yours to break."

"You'll hate me," she responds. "I'm hard to love."

"And I'm hard to love back," he says. "But I never struggled with loving."

She shook her head, not wanting to hear his words. "You will be someone's best thing, James."

"I could be yours."

Olivia's heart ached, because here he was, laying himself bare in front of her, giving her his heart and soul, and Olivia doesn't know how to do the same. "I'll ruin you."

"Just give me time. Give me time to convince you that this could work. I can make this work, Olivia. Let me make you love me."

"Loving you was never the problem," she told him. "It's loving me."

"I'll love you enough for the two of us," he said, his eyes brimming with tears.

"That's not how it works," she responds.

"Until after Christmas," he pleads. "Just give me until after Christmas, and if your answer is still a no then I'll accept it."

Olivia remembers Minerva's words, about giving James a chance, then she remembers her own, about her baby not deserving a mother who won't even try.

"Okay."








AUTHOR'S NOTE:
here's another chapter because
you guys deserve better than
the sucky ass chapter I posted
the last time.

STAY SAFE, GUYS

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