seoul; the beginning

dad used to tell me to look up at the sky
whenever i felt like crying
you know
to keep my head up to stop the tears

guess what?
last night i counted the stars

well,
not literally, no
my neck started hurting after awhile

but that little moment made me realise
that maybe there is more to life
than just being locked up
in my suffocating room
immersed in the screen of my laptop
blinding my eyes scrolling through newsfeeds
and feeling the happiness of others
radiating through photos
sometimes filling my search histories
with random aesthetics, old style poems
lofi, contemporary music

i'd turn my thoughts and feelings into poetry
because in a world like this
where people won't really bother
to push a little deeper past the surface
no one would ever understand

no, i'm not depressed
i just feel like its more comfortable
to keep things to myself,
call me an antisocial freak
i wouldn't mind that
some people already have anyway

i've never been or went anywhere
besides the city i call home
i've never done anything
outside of my comfort zone

and that is exactly what i want to change

it's my last year of highschool
my last year of the freedom
that i've been taking for granted

i think i've had enough living a life
feeling so sorry for myself all the time
maybe a change isn't so bad?
and if my plan fails somehow
at least i can say i did it, i tried
i didn't go down without a fight
because my life is worth more

i'm going to live the next month
to the fullest

and to whoever finds this
i just need you know one more thing

i'll be back when i'll be back

so don't come looking for me

— excerpt from the letter lee haru left behind

october 22, 2017