七十三 ; babysteps

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[i would recommend listening to the song i attached above (jeongguk's cover of 2u) while reading this chapter. i promise, it gets way better. this is one of my most favourite chapters of the book so i'll hope you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it]

day 22
9.52 am
jeon jeongguk
3rd person point of view

babysteps

after breakfast with mrs jeon and sarang
jeongguk had gone up to his room
to check on the last things he needed to do
before they left the house for the day

going over to haru's room
he sees her staring at her backpack
with her head tilted to the side
as if trying to make a very big decision

he reluctantly steps into the room
asking her what's wrong
and she picks up her backpack immediately
he knows everything she owns is in there
and an awful feeling in his gut
is telling him that after tonight
things just wouldn't be the same anymore

stay, he wants to tell her
don't leave

but the universe is a sucker for broken hearts
and he saves those words for the time being

haru is flinging the backpack over her shoulder
as she says "no, nothing's wrong"
jeongguk looks at her unsurely
but he doesn't question anything

he's decided that silence is just enough
and maybe time
will reveal truths in its own way

for some reason the atmosphere
in the room suddenly darkens
but again
jeongguk shuts it out with a smile
and asks if she's ready to go

they leave the house after bidding
goodbyes to jeongguk's family
beginning towards his brilliant idea

they end up in another park
one that's much bigger
and filled with tall mighty trees that stretched
all the way up to the sky
covered in white snow
making them look like crystal

"this is your brilliant idea?" haru asks
as she rubs her mitten hands together

jeongguk chuckles, glancing around them
to take a look at their surroundings
"there aren't flowers to bask in during winter
and it's freezing cold" he reasons

haru gives herself a consoling pat on the shoulder
"i must've gone out of my mind when i wrote that in"

"it's fine, we didn't expect the first snow
to fall early this year too"
he shuffles closer to her side
taking her hands in his

she furrows her eyebrows at him
and he squeezes his grip around her hand
"just so you don't get separated from me"
he says without making eye contact

she responds by wrapping her fingers around his hand
and they decide to stay that way

they step deeper into the park
until they enter what seems like a forest

it's amazing how much beautiful things seem to be
during winter season
when they're all covered in snow
that shine under the burning sun

"mom used to bring me here all the time"
jeongguk says as they stroll in
"she'd take me here for a walk during
spring, summer and autumn
but she's never taken me here during winter"

"then i must be your first?"

he smiles
"i wanted you to be my first"
because after 22 days of being together
he's never felt the need to trust anyone
more than he's trusted her
and from the look in her eyes
ever since yesterday afternoon
he knows that she must've begun to suspect him
that she knows something isn't right
that he still has secrets he hasn't told her yet

he trusts her
but he doesn't know if she can take the truth for herself
he trusts her
but does he trust himself to not hurt her

"that's touching" haru is smiling
"you've actually been a lot of my firsts"

"first kiss?" he grinned teasingly

"heyβ€”"

"first boy other than your dad for
you to share a bed withβ€”"

"i'm embarrassed stopβ€”"

"your first date"

she looks up at him glaring daggers
but he can see her obviously
trying to cover up her smile
"looks like we're each other's firsts"

"you've never dated or kissed anyone before?
you, the oh so glorious jeon jeongguk
never dated or kissed anyone
in your 20 years of existence?"

"i could say the same for you!"

"i'm an independent woman who needs no man"
she retorts and he scrunches his nose
trying to come up with another genius remark

"then i'm an independent man
who needs no woman"

"you're unbelievable" she deadpans

"you like me anyway
consider this a date"

"another date? wow i must be lucky"

"yeah
i forgot how many times we
went on dates since we met
6? 7?"

her eyes widen at that
"so all those were dates?"

"if you want them to be"
he tosses her a wink
and she turns away flustered
but he catches the shade of pink on her cheeks

they walk through the snow covered forest
in silence
just taking in all the peace and tranquility they can
before he hears her saying beside him
a soft "cheer up"

he glances down to see her smiling
that beautiful smile that could break down
every single wall and barrier he had worked
so hard to build since he left seoul
that beautiful smile that made him feel so in love
"i should be saying that to you too" he says

haru kicks at the snow at her feet
"i'm okay"

"are you?"

she pauses, slowing down her pace
"i-i am" she stutters
and he can hear the hesitance in her voice
as she says so
she's lying
she's not okay
and jeongguk feels so damn helpless

"after all this is over" she whispers
as they continue walking again
"after the lanterns tonight
where will you go?"
she's saying it with so much fear
laced in her voice
and jeongguk can understand
every single one of it

he fears the future
even fears the mere thought of it
he's always been one to focus on the present
but these days he's been getting
ahead of himself a lot
the future seemed so far yet so close away
so inevitable
and he never thought he would admit it
but he's so afraid

haru looks up to him
eyes expectant
and when he replies an "i don't know"
she lowers her gaze sadly

he just wants to wrap her arms around her
and tell her that everything is going to be okay
but he doesn't even know if it will be

"where will you go?" he asks
a part of him is afraid of the answer
will she go home and get married?
will she keep running away without him?

her reply comes quickly as if she'd been prepared
"i don't know"

he feels that heaviness in his chest
and a striking pain that convulses in it
but haru is there
forcing a smile on her face despite everything
and it makes him want to hold on
just a little longer

"there's one more thing i didn't get to do"
she says, trying her best to bring up the mood again
"i never got to learn how to dance"

"you were dancing so much like
korean hiphoppers on that stage
in daegu's nightclub
that i literally had to drag you off"
jeongguk says in disbelief

"i was drunk
i had no idea what i was doing
besides its not
that kind of dancing i want to learn"
she stops in her tracks
and stands in front of him
"i heard you're good in all kinds of genres"

flustered, jeongguk smiles and takes both her hands
placing them on his shoulders
before putting his on her tiny waist
"princess, may i have this dance?"

haru laughs, her nose crinkling as she does
"yes, your majesty"

dancing in the snow might sound
as cliche as it seems
but jeongguk has never felt happier in his life;

here he is
dancing with the girl of his dreams
and she's smiling at him
her eyes twinkling
as if he's the only one she wants to see

jeongguk realises
how much he doesn't want to let her go

"if you're going to keep stepping on my feet
you might as well just get on them"
he says, making her eyes widen

"what?
i thought i was doing fine"

"take off your shoes" he suggests and she does so
stepping onto his feet while following his instructions
and he begins to waltz around
their bodies pushed so closely together

for a moment the world stopped spinning
and it felt like there were only the both of them
everything was a blur motion
and they were spotlights amidst them all

their hearts beat together in sync
and jeongguk hopes that
she could hear the sound of his

"this is nice" she whispers
as she lays her chin on his shoulder

jeongguk smiles
that heavy feeling in his chest lightening
but instead
it's replaced with a stabbing pain
as if an invisible hand
is hitting his chest with a knife
and it hurts so, so much

his grip on her weakens
and the strength in his legs begin to give out
his bites on his bottom lip
trying so hard
to suppress the pain with his entire body
but he fails and in moment he's crumbling
falling to his knees with desperate breathing

and haru is panicking
worry filling her wavering eyes
maybe seeing her would hurt less
but the pain he's feeling in his chest gets amplified
and he tastes blood on his tongue
his vision blurs
fading in and out
but his eyes are on her
never leaving
never wanting to look anywhere else

"jeongguk stay with me" she's saying
no, she's begging with tears in her eyes
and he wants to cry too
"please, you're gonna be alright
stay with me
stay with me jeongguk please"

he remembers her arms wrapping around him
and wet drops on his shoulders
with her soft whispers for him to hang on
before his whole world fades to darkness

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