AFTER WARD'S DEATH and Carson learning that Ward had tried to be a part of her life, all she wanted to do was isolate herself. She didn't feel like talking to anyone, not even JJ. She wouldn't know what to say to them. She also didn't want them to see that she was struggling to understand how to feel. She should have just felt relieved that they didn't have to deal with Ward anymore, but there was also a part of her that was still holding onto the fact that he was her father. Finding the box full of photos, cards, and letters could never erase what he had done, but it showed that in his own way, he did care and love her when it really came down to it. She just needed to process that on her own first.

Carson continued to ignore the various knocks on her door throughout the day. They all came from different people, John B, Pope, Kie, but mostly JJ and her mom.

"Sweetheart, I know you don't feel like seeing anyone, and that's okay, but something came for you," her mom told her through the door before sliding an envelope underneath. Carson stared at the letter for a few moments, debating whether or not it was worth getting up for. Eventually her curiosity got the best of her so she walked over to grab it. She opened it and found that it was from Ward. Part of her wanted to just rip it up right there and not even bother, but in the end, she forced herself to read it.

Carson,

I know that I'm probably the last person that you want to hear from right now. I know I deserve nothing from you and you have every right to hate me. I won't hold that against you. I just need you to know how sorry I am for everything. You deserve better than having me as a father. I have made countless mistakes in my life but having you was never one of them. The way that it happened might have been but I did love your mother once and I have always loved you. I just wish that I had been man enough to bring you into the family the way that Rafe, Sarah, and Wheezie were. My greed blinded me to the point where this was the end result, and for that, I am also sorry for. Maybe some day you'll learn to forgive me.

Love, your Dad

Of course by the end of the letter tears streamed down her face. The worst part about the letter was that she couldn't even tell if it was all just bullshit. It wouldn't have been the first time that he had lied, especially to her, so she was once again conflicted. She crumpled the letter in her hand in frustration. She didn't want to hear anything he had to say. At this point, there was really only one person that she felt the urge to talk to. She knew that Sarah must have been going through similar feelings of confusion, so it's why she decided to head over there.

She banged her hand against the front door and paced around the front step as she waited. Unfortunately, luck didn't seem to be on her side because instead of Sarah, it was Rafe that ended up being the one to answer the door.

"Is Sarah here?" Carson asked with a slightly annoyed tone, not in the mood to deal with him.

"No," he said. She immediately turned to leave but before she could, he was grabbing her arm to stop her. "Wait, Carson-"

"Don't touch me," she snapped. He released her arm and raised his hands to show that he wasn't meaning to threaten her as he took a slow step forward.

"I just want to talk to you," he said.

"Well, I don't want to talk to you," she said.

"Please, just give me five minutes," he basically begged her. She rolled her eyes, already knowing she was probably going to regret it. "I'm sorry, okay?" She let out a short, humorless laugh.

"Yeah, I bet you are," she said shortly. "Just as sorry as Ward, right?"

"Do you realize how lucky you are that he wasn't in your life?" Rafe said. Carson wasn't sure why but his words took her aback a bit. Rafe seemed to do everything for Ward so the fact that he was expressing jealousy of Carson for not having Ward in her life was a bit shocking. "Nothing I did ever seemed good enough for him. I was never good enough for him." Carson hated that she understood what Rafe meant.

"Rafe-"

"Let me finish," he said. "All I ever wanted was to be enough for him. It's why I did everything I did. But now he's gone and I'm sorry. I- I just, I just need help and no one wants to help me." He sounded frustrated and desperate as he stood there with tears in his eyes as he stared at Carson. She knew that Rafe had issues and she didn't trust him at all, but she could see that he was struggling.

"Rafe, I can't help you," she said. "But maybe if you talk to someone, you know, like, someone trained, they can." She knew her advice wasn't helpful but it was the best that she could give. He still did shitty things and that wouldn't change, but maybe Ward had fucked them up all and this was Rafe's way of trying to fix that.

"I just want to be a family," he said. "I just want a family like the one you have." With the Pogues.

"I know," she said with an understanding tone. But again, she still didn't trust him, so she moved slowly back to end the conversation before it took a turn for the worse. He might have been apologetic and merciful with her now, but she didn't want to stay too long and find that changed. Maybe some day she'd learn to forgive. "Just get some help, Rafe."