forty-five | still found a way

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WITH THE TAPE being brought to the police, they had everything they needed to arrest Rafe and Ward. It was finally a victory for the Pogues as the boys drank and celebrated at John B's. Carson was just as relieved as they were, but she could tell that Sarah wasn't as much in a mood to celebrate.

"Ladies and gentleman, Ward, Cameron, King of the Kooks, is going to jail!" JJ screamed from inside the house.

"Goodbye! Goodbye!" John B laughed. Carson glanced over at Sarah and saw the conflicted look on her face, which Kiara seemed to notice as well.

"Do you regret it?" Kiara asked.

"No," Sarah said. "He deserves all of it, and I know that."

"But he's still your dad," Carson said. She in no way felt bad for Ward for what was happening but she still understood why Sarah was feeling how she was. The amount of disappointment and betrayal was palpable.

"I'm sure it sucks to be in the middle," Kiara said. Sarah's phone started ringing so she picked it up to see that it was Topper calling. She stood up to take the call, which left Kiara and Carson. "How are you doing with all of this?"

"I don't know," Carson admitted. "Ward is getting what he deserves and John B is in the clear, but something still doesn't feel right, you know?" She couldn't really figure out how she was feeling because just like Sarah, she felt this weird pit her stomach about the whole situation. Maybe it was just the knowledge that her father was capable of such horrible things that was eating at her. It felt like a mixture of shame and anger.

"Yeah, I know," Kiara said. Carson glanced up when Sarah walked back over to them.

"They're going to arrest him now," she said. "We have to go." They all loaded into the van as John B rushed to the Cameron house. Cop cars flooded the roads as they made their way to take Ward into custody.

"Oh my God. Can you please hurry?" Sarah said. "I need to be there for Wheezie."

"You think I wanna miss this?" John B said. Carson completely understood John B's side in this and hated Ward for what he had done to them and to Big John, but she also didn't think he had to rub it in Sarah's face when she was clearly struggling. It's why Carson just stayed quiet with the whole thing because she didn't know what to say that would make either side okay. None of it was okay.

After Sarah found Wheezie and made sure that she stayed inside during the whole thing, they ran out to the docks where Ward was standing on his boat while the police tried to convince him to just turn himself in.

"Dad!" Sarah called out.

"What are you doing here, Sarah?" Ward screamed.

"Dad! What are you doing?" she yelled.

"Vic, you gotta get her out of here!" Ward told Shoupe. "She can't be here right now!"

"Just come on in, and you- you can talk to her!" Shoupe said.

"Sarah, I'm so sorry, baby, I can't," Ward said. "Carson, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Carson's throat felt tight as she listened to him. There was so much happening but yet none of them knew what was going on.

"You don't need them seeing this," Shoupe said.

"Dad, don't leave! Where are you going?" Sarah asked.

"I love you, both of you," he said. "I know you don't believe that, Carson, but it's true. Just ask your mom about the box. I'm sorry, girls."

Carson's eyes burned with tears at his words but she refused to let them fall. She hated Ward, but she never thought that she would hear those words from him, so for some reason it hit her harder than she ever thought it would. She didn't even have time to ask him what box because suddenly the boat exploded right in front of them with Ward still on it. A wave of heat and debris flying into the air made them shield themselves. They all stood there in complete shock. Carson's hand shook as it covered her mouth as she stared at the boat on fire, in complete disbelief of what had just happened and confusion at the words that Ward spoke seconds before.

"No, no," Sarah whimpered. "Dad. Dad!" She began sobbing as she cried out for Ward. Carson was overwhelmed by shock and confusion but she knew she had to help Sarah. She forced herself forward and leaned down to grab her. The second that Carson held onto Sarah, the blonde collapsed onto the deck. Carson wanted to tell her it would all be okay but she couldn't. First, because she didn't know that was true and second, because she was trying so hard to hold back her tears that it made her throat feel like she was suffocating.

Fortunately, it was only a few seconds later when Topper was then on the dock with them. He looked over at Carson and could see that she was struggling to keep it together so he reached over and placed his hand on her shoulder. Topper and Carson didn't quite get along, as was the case with most of the Kooks and Pogues, but he could see that she needed help too.

"I got her," he told her. Carson barely knew what was happening as she stood back to her feet. She stumbled back and ended up running into a hard body, one that she automatically knew who it belonged to.

"Car," JJ said. He went to reach his hand up to her face but she backed up.

"No, no," she said. Because she knew that if she let him comfort her, she might not actually be able to hold it together. "I need to go." She turned and rushed off the dock, needing to get as far away from there as possible. She hadn't even really thought about where was going but it seemed that her subconscious was leading her because she ended up back at her house. It was then when she realized why she had decided to go there. She ran into the house and began shuffling through all of their family photo albums in attempt to find whatever box Ward had been referring to. She didn't know what it was but she had to start somewhere. It didn't seem to matter though because her mom walked in only a moment later.

"What's going on?" she asked in confusion at the sight of Carson throwing around their pictures in search of whatever it was she was looking for.

"Where's the box?" Carson asked.

"What box?"

"The box!" she said in frustration. "Ward told me to ask you about the box." The second that Carson mentioned Ward, her mom knew exactly which box she was referring to. She let out a sigh and went into her bedroom closet, reaching up to grab an old black box before bringing it back out to Carson.

"Can you please tell me what is going on first?" Penelope said, considering the fact that Carson seemed to still be in shock and a bit all over the place.

"He's dead," she said simply and bluntly.

"What?"

"I- I can't explain right now," Carson said, not really sure she would be able to get the words out that would explain what had happened. "Please, just tell me what that is." Her mom stared at her for a moment as if to wonder what to do before eventually nodding her head and handing over the box to Carson. She opened the box and immediately the tears finally broke. The first thing at the top of the box was a photo of Ward holding Carson as a baby. She shifted through the box with a shaky hand. There were tons of photos of them together when she was a baby. It was like everything she remembered about her childhood had gone completely out the window because he had been a part of it and she had no idea.

"I don't- I don't remember any of this." She had been so young in all of the photos so it wasn't like she would have remembered it in the first place, but there were old birthday cards and letters that she had never seen. She looked up at her mom with tears pooled in her eyes. "I don't understand."

"When you were first born, we tried to make it work," her mom explained. "But eventually it became too difficult with Rafe and Sarah in the picture. He couldn't handle it and I didn't want him in your life like that, so we agreed that he would continue to pay child support and I would have full custody. He continued to send birthday cards and wrote letters to you for any important event, but I just couldn't get myself to give them to you when I knew what that mean if I did. I'm so sorry, Carson. I never meant to lie to you or to hurt you, but everything I did was to protect you."

The truth made Carson even more confused about how she felt. She still had no relationship with Ward and knew that he had done horrible things, including having killed Big John who had actually been like a dad to her, but for some reason she still felt a nagging feeling of grief. She knew it was more about the grief of not having a father rather than the grief of losing Ward himself, but it didn't matter because it was still there regardless. All she wanted to do was push it away and pretend like it wasn't there, but the more she tried to ignore it, the worse it got. She hated that it was there because he didn't deserve it from her after everything that had happened. Ward was gone and yet he still found a way to hurt her.

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