[CW: mentions of death - Norah will be going through a depressive episode (it won't be too in detail)]

S9 EP2

IN THE HOSPITAL IN BOISE, Norah's eyes fluttered open.

The walls were a shade she did not recognise, and the air smelled different. Wherever she was, it was cold.

She was being moved-that she could vaguely make out from the clashing noises and the quick but heavy footsteps echoing in her ears.

"Dr Lawrence... have internal bl... into surgery..."

She could not make out the whole sentence, only parts of it.

Golden sand-

The faint outline of someone's face moved away from her sight, and she squinted out of reflex. The lights were glowing brightly then dim in repeat through above her-oh, isn't this familiar?

Humid air-

She could faintly feel the pain coming from her abdomen... inside her abdomen. I'm probably bleeding out from the inside. What an interesting way to die, she thought bitterly.

Bright cloudless morning-

But before her mind could wander off any further, she saw something covering over her face and smelled something... sweet?

All she knew was the next second, everything went dark, and she fell into slumber.

She finally got her sleep.

❦ ❦ ❦

THE NEXT TIME NORAH woke up, she could not feel any pain-she could not feel anything. The morphine drip next to her explained the first part, but the empty hollow in her chest could not be filled.

She heard a soft shuffle in her patient room, and her gaze slowly moved towards the sound. Jackson was walking towards her from the armchair with Kai in his arms.

Even the little boy could not make the hollow go away.

"H-How's..." she coughed-no blood this time-but her voice was hoarse, and her throat was uncomfortably dry.

"Sloan's still in surgery," Jackson informed her while he brought the water cup and straw in front of her. "They say he has a cardiac-"

"Stop," she grunted out after a few large sips of the water, cutting off his words. "I-I don't wanna know. I just want..."

Jackson lowered the boy to her reach, and she could feel the tears in her eyes for being able to see her son again. Yet the hollow still could not be filled.

Kai stirred a little in his mother's hold before he broke into a weep; the cries that filled the room shattered her from the inside.

"T-Take him away," Norah's voice came out toneless as Jackson stared back at her in worry and confusion.

"He could be hungry-" he tried to reason, but she cut him off again.

"I have a large scar on my abdomen right now a-and I... My brother's dead, Jackson. Dead. He's dead, and everyone is in surgery, and I just..." she let out a dry chuckle, "I'm radiating darkness and death, and K-Kai can't be with me right now-"

"Norah-"

"Jackson, please... My son doesn't recognise me anymore."

❦ ❦ ❦

MEREDITH WALKED INTO Norah's room, her steps a little unsteady, but she managed to sit beside the bed. "They're taking us home tomorrow on a plane," she informed. "W-We don't have a choice because of Arizona and Mark..."

She trailed off when the brunette's gaze snapped to her. "A fucking plane...?"

"I told Bailey to just sedate all of us," Meredith told her, staring at the weary and soulless look on her face. "We'll never know it happened... right?"

Norah turned her head away, staring straight at the ceiling with her eyes strained. "I don't really know if I want to care, Mer," she stated tonelessly. "Everyone's dying, or dead... Tim and Lexie are dead. T-They confirmed my miscarriage, which means my unborn child is dead as well..."

Meredith was silent, staring back at the brunette with a look of pity and sorrow. She knew that the latter had lost very much-too much-in a single catastrophic event.

"...and now Mark's gonna die on me, too."

❦ ❦ ❦

1 WEEK LATER

BACK IN SEATTLE GRACE Mercy West, the tension in the air was beyond anything they had experienced.

It was early June, nearly half a month after the plane crash. Kai had just turned seven months old a few days ago with neither of his parents by his side.

Norah was still under observation, and Mark was recovering in the ICU. The both of them were in the same building, so close yet separated so far away.

Norah's room was next to Cristina's, and the residents-or fellows-would sit in their room during breaks to talk to them. The two of them shared the same trait: they did not speak.

Cristina was still motionless and empty, and Norah was in restrains.

She had had an outburst of rage, threatening to beat up the doctors that were holding her down-she might have punched one, she could not recall-hence the restrains.

That made sense.

What did not make any sense was everyone leaving and dying.

The surgical incision along her abdomen was itching. If it were not for her lack of energy to move, she would have already torn through the stitches. The cast on her leg was another thing that irritated her; the sprained ankle turned out to be a fracture.

"Sloan's recovering," Jackson informed in hopes to get her to speak. "Very slowly, but still, he's recovering. He's doing better."

A long silence; no response.

"Come on, Norah, you gotta say something," Meredith voiced out, but there was still no response from the brunette.

"Dude, your son misses you a lot," Alex tried but earned several scowls from the others.

April smacked him, shaking her head. "The last thing she needs is for you to guilt-trip her!"

❦

DEREK WAS PACING IN Mark's room while the latter sighed at him. "It's not your fault," he reasoned again, "You didn't force her to try your approach. If she couldn't pull it off, well, then..."

"I could've pulled it off had I been in there," Derek snapped back, dissatisfied over the loss of a Neuro patient.

"Well, you'll be back in there."

"No, I won't," he scoffed grimly. "I will be the former neurosurgeon Derek Shepherd, research librarian." The man on the bed laughed at him grimness. "Mark, the guy gave me eighty percent."

"Well, get back to a hundred percent," Mark merely shrugged while he cuddled Kai in his arms. "Right, little man? Tell your Uncle Derek that he's gonna get back to a hundred percent."

Derek shook his head with a low speck of hope. "It's not gonna happen."

"Don't give me that crap," Mark sent him a look while his son placed a gentle hand on his face and giggled. "See? Even Kai knows that Uncle Derek loves a hopeless case."

"Well, Kai here is right," Derek lowered her head to the little boy. "It's the only reason your dad and I are still friends." Mark chuckled at his joke, and Derek exhaled with a smile, "I'm glad you're doing better."

"Me, too," the plastic surgeon nodded back, pressing a kiss on top of Kai's head, and the little boy cooed. The smile on his face slowly turned into a frown as he lifted his head back to his friend. "How's Norah doing? You visited her, right?"

"Yeah, I bring a case to her every day," Derek replied with a heavy sigh, sitting down on the armchair beside his bed. "I don't know what should concern me more, honestly... Her being restrained, or her not speaking a word to anyone."

Mark's face fell at the mention of it, yet he mustered up a smile to the little boy grinning back at him. He knew about her condition, internal bleeding and so on, and the utter silence and lack of emotion. She had flushed all feelings away at the crash, and he was there to witness it.

"Is there no way I can-"

"You can't," Derek shook his head with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry..."

Mark sighed. He needed to be by her side, and he needed her to be by his, too. She was pushing everyone away-shutting everyone out-and he recognised it, yet he was stuck in a hospital bed, unable to move around.

"Don't be," he stated, earning a confused look from the neurosurgeon. "Honestly, I don't even know if I can look at her after..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "She's not gonna forgive me, Derek."

Derek furrowed his brows at his words. "What do you mean?"

"The reason... The reason Tim was on the plane was because Avery didn't want to go... and I picked the next best resident in plastics," Mark admitted wearily. "I... I basically sent her brother to... to die."

Derek could see the guilt in the other man's eyes; the plastic surgeon was self-blaming for her suffering. He watched her suffering, and he could not do anything.

"Nobody could've predicted the plane was gonna..." Derek trailed off with his words caught in his throat. "Nobody."

Mark let out a dry chuckle. "How do I even tell her?"

"You tell her when she's ready, when you both are ready," Derek replied, giving him a reassuring look. "And you better live, because she'll really not forgive you if you don't."

Mark lowered his head to Kai, who was staring interestedly at the IV on the back of his dad's hand while his small hand held onto Mark's wrist. The boy leaned against his dad as the latter tucked him under the blanket.

"Our love is strong. I'll live."

That was the last conversation they had before Mark fell into a coma.

❦ ❦ ❦

4 DAYS LATER

NORAH WAS SIGNED OFF to get discharged, and she quietly packed her things into a bag with the pair of crutches under her arms. Her wrists were still sore, not that she minded.

She was lost, as though all her sense of direction was leading her down one path-a path to self-destruction, and she despised herself for it.

There were several light knocks on the door before it got carefully opened. She glanced over her shoulder to see Nina entering with the rest of her discharge forms in his hand.

"Need some help?" she offered but was met with silence. She walked up and helped her pack away her things anyway while Norah scribbled her signatures on the paper on the clipboard.

The brunette slumped back on the bed, staring pointedly at the big cast on her foot. She hated it.

Nina had got an intern to get a wheelchair in the room; Norah stared at it for a long while before giving in and dropping herself onto it.

With her crutches in her hand and her bag hanging on the handle, she got pushed out of the room and down the hall. The stares from the staff would have made her uncomfortable if she had any space to spare them a feeling.

Feelings were a sacred thing now.

"Do you wanna stop by the daycare?" Nina tried, "Kai's up there, probably playing with Sofia or-"

"No, Nina," Norah croaked out, and the wheelchair was paused briefly out of his surprise; it was the first word she had spoken for about two weeks now. "I have my brother's funeral to plan," the words left her mouth surreally.

Nina nodded before pushing her towards the elevators. Norah glanced at the resident, who was once her intern-how she wished to return to those times-and smiled at her faintly.

"Congratulations on getting Chief Resident, Nina. I'm proud of you."

❦ ❦ ❦

TIMOTHY'S FUNERAL WAS held two days after Norah got discharged.

It was a small one, attended by those from the crash, who had also gotten discharged. Callie and Arizona were also there with Sofia, along with Jackson and April, a few of his close friends from his year in their residency, Kirian Rook, Nina Lee, and a few scrub nurses who adored him.

There were no family members present-she did not know how to tell them.

She could not cry because there were no tears left to cry. She did not speak to anyone either; the whole service was a blur.

Lexie's funeral was the day after.

Norah felt disgusted at herself for having the tiniest comfort that Timothy's remains had more to bury than Lexie.

She and Meredith had managed to plan it with the Greys that Timothy and Lexie would be buried next to each other in Seattle.

They would have loved it.

❦ ❦ ❦

5 DAYS LATER

DEREK ENTERED HIS HOUSE after a long day of consults and teaching, neither of which he enjoyed. But with his hand still broken and his motor function less than optimum, those were the only things he could do and still call it 'practising medicine'.

His phone rang, and he fished it out of his pocket, staring at the long thread of messages from the same person. He sighed before putting his phone away, heading in to greet his wife and daughter.

"How's Zola today?" he asked with a grin, but it immediately faltered when his phone rang again.

"Do you need to get that?" Meredith asked, carrying Zola in her arms.

"It's just Callie."

"About your hand?" she guessed. "O-Or is it Mark? Is Mark awake?"

"It's Norah," he answered in a tone far from delighted. "Callie has been bouncing between Arizona, Mark, and Norah," he shook his head with a sigh. "Norah's in some kind of... major depressive episode, you know... after the funerals and all..."

Meredith furrowed her brows at him. "Then what are you doing here? You really should go check in on her."

"It's..."

"You should, Derek," she insisted, but he was reluctant to leave the house. "She had just lost her brother in front of her eyes, and I know how that feels," she told him. "I did not grow up with Lexie or have this super-tight bond with her, but it feels like somebody ripped off my insides and lit it on fire."

Derek frowned at her. "A-Are you sure you're okay?"

"No, of course, I'm not okay. And I need you," she sighed. "But I also have Cristina, even though she's in a dark and twisty place right now... Norah needs her Cristina, she needs her person, and you are her person."

He was still hesitant to leave, and she rolled her eyes at him. "She's not gonna make through this without you, Derek," she snapped, "Go. I don't wanna lose any more friends-go!"

❦ ❦ ❦

DEREK POUNDED ON THE door continuously until he heard the lock finally clicking.

The door swung open, and he saw Norah for the first time since she got discharged-she was... tired. She let him in, wordlessly, though her eyebrows were knitted together with a bothered look on her face.

To his surprise, the apartment was tidy for a person who was going through stuff. Nope, never mind, everywhere else was tidy, except for the area in the living room, in front of the TV.

"What do you want?" she finally asked, her voice slightly harsher than usual. She placed her crutches aside as she slumped back onto the couch.

"A beer would be nice," he replied with a shrug before heading towards the fridge to help himself.

He noticed that the kitchen island and counter had a layer of dust above them. Perhaps the only reason it was tidy was that she did not even step foot there.

She snuggled under the thick blankets she had pulled out from the closet. The couch dipped a little, and Derek sat on the other end of it with one of the purple pillows on his lap. The red one was in her arms; the blue one behind her head.

The TV was on a random channel-just as some noise to accompany her.

She had always hated the silence.

"You haven't visited Mark since the crash," Derek pointed out before taking a sip off the beer bottle.

Norah did not respond at first-when she did, however, her voice bore anger. "What's the point?" she replied grimly, and he was slightly taken aback by her words. "He's not gonna wake up."

"He will," he tried reassuring her even though he knew his words were not going into her head. "Come by the hospital tomorrow."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"You don't have to see Mark," he stated. "Just stop by and help me with some consults. Or at least go see Kai at daycare."

"Kai is safer without his mum, who'd snap and go cuckoo any second."

He sighed. "Come on, how about teaching? You like teaching."

"Not anymore."

He shook his head and took another swing of beer. "So what're you gonna do? Sit here until... when?" he questioned, but she did not respond. "You're a Board Certified neurosurgeon. You can't just sit here-"

"The night before I flew out to get Board Certified, we had a party, right here, in this living room," she interrupted him with a recent memory that had been replaying in her head. Derek, too, had gone quiet at the recollection of that particular night.

"Everyone was happy. And now?" she turned to him, "Two are dead, one is in a coma, one lost a leg, one almost lost his hand, one is getting threatened to admit into psych, and all are dealing with serious mental health issues.

"Every time I sit here, I think of that. But I still sit here anyways. I eat here, I sleep here, despite the fact that I hate it here... You wanna know why?" she chuckled drily. "When I walk to the kitchen, all I remember is Mark hugging me from behind, whispering dirty jokes in my ear. The bedroom? Hell, I can't even sleep on that bed because he's not beside me.

"I'm barely hanging on, Derek... I look in the mirror, and I can't see the life in myself," she shook her head, wrapping the blanket tighter around her, trying to convince herself that it was Mark's hug tightening around her. "Kai doesn't even recognise me anymore... How would Mark?"

He frowned at her as she stared emptily back at him; her words were like a knife, indeed.

She was pushing people away again-she was aware of that, yet she could not help it.

"So you're pushing him away?" he stared piercingly at her. "The love of your life is in a coma, and you're gonna push him away? Your son is missing both his parents, and you're okay with that? Have you gone mad?"

"Maybe I had! Maybe I finally had," she snapped back with a scoff. "I'm barely surviving right now, and I can't lose anyone else. I just... know, if Mark leaves me, too, I'm not gonna be able to survive this... I can't, and I won't, Derek. I would try to hang on for Kai, but I just know that my mind and body will refuse to survive this."

He remained silent as he thought for a moment, allowing her words to sink in. He set the half-empty beer bottle on the coffee table and got up from the couch.

"Get up," he barked at her while pulling her up from her seat; she stared back at him confusingly. "Get up-now."

As his tone went stern and full-on authority-like, she reluctantly got up from the comfort and held her crutches under her arms.

"Derek-"

"You listen to me," he cut her off unamusingly. "When I was day-drinking in my trailer, you got me up my ass to look for the ring I tossed away. The same ring is now on my wife's hand because I was reminded of the reason I had it in the first place. I just needed a push, I needed someone to show me that everything was gonna work out even when the situation was total crap... And you were there.

"So, right now, I'm dragging you to the hospital, and you are gonna sit next to Mark for the entire night. Because you need a push, too, and you're gonna look at your reason-the person you fell in love with-because everything is gonna work out. " he snapped at her, and she frowned. "Now-pass me your keys!"

Norah stared back at him stressfully. "You sound like... me."

Derek sighed, smiling a little at her change of tone. "It's effective."

❦ ❦ ❦

NORAH SAT