Ella's POV:

Day 1

I imagined a nights sleep would wash away the most traumatic memories from yesterday, but a nights sleep I did not get. Adams face, his fearful, painful face will not leave my mind. His blue eyes shine like the sun and keep me from closing my eyes. They won't leave my mind.

My body is cold and I keep shivering so I put my thick duvet over me, but then my entire body grows uncomfortable and craves fresh air so I throw the blankets off me and put the air on, only for this cycle to repeat. I feel filthy, like no matter how many times the nurses put disinfectant on me I can never be cleansed from his blood.

All I can smell is the thickness of the air in my room that has hibernated me since I came home. I tried to open the blinds but the sun made it feel like a sword was piercing through my skull.

My stomach aches as it craves food, but as soon as Taylor puts anything on my bedside table, it cuddles and scrunches up, making me feel like I'm going to be sick.

No matter how much I despised him I can't believe he is gone and what pains me the most is it was David. I feel responsible for his death because he wouldn't be here if it weren't for me and he took the bullet for me so it is my fault in all ways possible even though David pulled the trigger.

I want that man dead. The pain he has caused all of us for so very long sickens me. To think that Harry won't tell the police the entire story about David to lock him away for life gives me a head ache but I understand. I never spoke about Adam to anyone for years because the memories haunted me and I can see why Harry won't speak about his because it's too long, complicated and haunting for him.

We both want nothing but to move on from this horrible life we have been living. I could've escaped it long ago, but the thing is, even if it was me who got shot yesterday, I wouldn't have wanted to go back and change my mind and escape from Harry because whilst it had been complicated, stressful and heartbreaking I wouldn't change it for the world because I am hopelessly in love with him.

I feel awful for shutting him out yesterday I could hear him arguing with the doctors at the hospital as he wanted to see me but I didn't want him to see me in the messy state I was in. I didn't even know who I was yesterday I felt disgusting and lost, as if I was watching myself from outside my own body in a different point of view. I couldn't feel anything and my head hurt a lot. I know I'm just mourning and shaken up over Adams death but it still doesn't feel real.

It's not supposed to be easy watching someone die in your arms, I know this because I've experienced it before. But this time I'm older and understand more about death than when I was when I lost my family when I was younger. And this time, the person dead on my lap was dead because of me. Because the bullet was meant for me so I should be dead.

I can't keep myself from crying at the thought of seeing Harry, Zayn, Perrie, Taylor, Jacko, Niall and all my friends dealing with my death. I know it sounds selfish but imagine all the people that care about you finding out that you're dead and have been murdered. That's what David is, a murderer.

Zayn and Perrie would be immensely upset about my death but eventually they'd move on as they have each other and they're happy. Zayn would be upset at work and probably be miserable there for a while but he will find his happiness again.

Taylor will have her baby soon and Louis would move in and although she will be sad because she's aways called me her big sister, she will have a newborn to care for and start a family which will allow her to move on and forget about me.

Niall I have become close with recently through work and he is a little softie so he would try to remain strong but deep down cry himself to sleep sometimes as he hasn't experienced loss before and will probably miss our dnm's at work or me giving him some advice and vice verse about different life situations but he will meet that girl of his dreams we've been talking about and he will be happy again.

Jacko and I have a funny relationship that I can't put into words and I know he will be out for blood with David. He will round up his dangerous mates and go out for David and his dangerous gang and who knows, he may end up in jail and even kill David. Jacko would never hurt me but I know that he cares for me, his father always reminds me of a crush he's had on me for years and I know that Jacko jusy wouldn't let David get away with killing me.

And that leaves one lady person. Harry. The last person I am close with and actually the closest. He, like Jacko wouldn't let it slide easily. He would shut everyone out and maybe go away for a little to mourn and let his anger out. He will want to be alone as he wouldn't want to be around anyone else but me. When he returns here it won't be for long as he will want to get revenge on David. He won't harm the people David cares about but he will try to harm David and wouldn't care if he is in prison for life because of it, as long as he gets that revenge even though he knows I wouldn't want that. He won't move on with anyone else despite all the girls that throw themselves at him. He will ignore them and probably insult them. He may have a few drunk nights where he can't control himself and sleep with random girls and beat himself up for it when he is sober because he will be mad at himself for doing something with someone who isn't me. He may in the future find someone and have a family with her but still be really sad even though he has a new beginning but he would never forget about me I know it. And honestly I'd be the same if the roles were reversed.

I don't know why I'm imagining the people I loves lives without me, but it just happens when you realise that you could've been dead twenty four hours ago.

Taylor kept coming in and checking on me and every time I hear the door knob rattle I would pretend to be asleep. I know Harry asked her to check up on me, I just know. She kept giving me water every now and then which I drank sometimes but barely any. She also brought me food which I didn't touch. I felt bad and appreciated her kind favour but I didn't have an appetite. If I ate, I would just remember Adam dying and his pile of blood surrounding us and throw it all back up.

Day one was tough and thankfully the cops hadn't come around. Harry texted me also, asking if I was okay and that he knows I probably won't reply. A lot of other people have messaged me too, even some colleagues from work but I turned my phone off as the constant buzzing was annoying my ears.

My heart still aches as much as it did yesterday.

Day 2

Another sleepless night has made my head feel heavier than a truck and tonnes of cement. I refuse to look at my reflection as I'm afraid of what I might see. I haven't showered since the nurses put antiseptic all over me at the hospital to remove all of Adams blood and I feel disgusting but I'm not in the mood for a steamy shower right now.

I texted Harry to tell him to not worry about me and I still need time to be alone to figure out where my head is at. I told him I love him and it's not his fault as I know he would be blaming himself for my misery. I thought it would be a little easier by now, but I guess it's only been two days.

I called Tony and told him I need two more days off work and he told me to take the rest of the week off at least, but honestly I need the distraction. Zayn had explained everything that happened to him and it was all over the news and in newspapers too.

Taylor told me she's even been getting asked questions by journalists of other companies and news reporters when she goes out on the rare occasion because people know she's friends with me.

Other than that no one has mentioned being harassed to me although I know they would be. Harry is probably copping the worst of it.

The cops gave me a visit today and I wouldn't speak to them. I told them I don't feel good and I'm still so shaken up. They told me they'd give me two more days as it's really important that I give them a statement. I told them that my story would probably be the same as everyone else's and why can't they just use that. I know they're just doing their jobs but they're so annoying.

I ate for the first time tonight too. I ate some dry biscuits as that was the only thing that didn't make me want to vomit.

Day 3

"Are you feeling any better?" His soothing, can voice asks me. I can tell he just woke up because his voice is so much raspier than usual. It makes me want him here, but I don't want him to see me in the messy state I am in.

"A little, but I'm still not myself. I need more time to come to realisation what happened. I just want to forget about it Harry." I sigh. "How do I forget?"

"Baby I wish I could tell you how, but it takes time you need to mourn and after that each day will get better. You'll never forget, but you will find your happiness again, be yourself and move on. It wouldn't be easy El, someone died on you." As he says it, my stomach churns. It hurts to hear it, but it's true. A human died on me.

"What are you doing now?"

"Watching a fight between O'Donald and Pearson. I don't even know how Pearson got where he is, he's a pussy."

"I think I have bigger biceps than him" I say and Harry laughs. I love his laugh.

"Yeah, I actually think you do" he laughs again. "Have you had any visitors?" I know he's referring to the police.

"Thankfully not yet. I don't think I could handle it."

"I'll tell them to leave you be. They can't ask you shit when you're in your state, I'll make sure they leave you alone alright."

"Thanks H, I love you."

"I love you too and I miss you. Can I come see you? I understand if you're not up for it."

"Soon" I say midst yawn. "I'm sorry, it's just-"

"It's okay. I said I understand" I can picture his disappointed face. He would probably break up with me after one look at me, I'm a mess. Joking, he would never do that I don't know how I managed to get such a good guy who is also bloody hot as hell.

"How's Gemma doing?"

"She's doing what she can do. I know she's still shaken up, but she's trying to be strong for Lottie."

"Shes amazing-" my phone beeps and I see that Tony is calling me.

"Is that your phone or mine?" Harry asks.

"Tony is calling me."

"Do you want to speak to him? I'll speak to you later it's alright El."

"I can't be bothered I'm too tired to speak to anyone else right now. I'm probably going to fall asleep on you soon." I yawn again.

"I'll let you get some sleep. That's the best thing to do when you're feeling like you do."

"Thanks Haz."

"I love you, sweet dreams beautiful."

"Love you. Bye Harry."

When I got off the phone from Harry I had a cold shower which took my mind off things for a while as the freezing liquid stung my skin but I actually felt much better.

I pretty much feel the same today as I have felt the past two days. I still feel like shit so not much has changed and my phone has remained off except for this morning when I called Harry.

Day 4

I took another cold shower today, washed my hair and blow dried it straight. It took a lot longer to dry today as I have little to no energy. I applied a lot more makeup than I usually would to try and look the littlest bit presentable. Concealer was my best friend today, especially under my eyes with bags bigger and darker than a stormy rain cloud.

When I walked out of my apartment, Taylor was still asleep and I hadn't seen anyone until I got into the lift. A girl I hadn't seen before who looked to be a few years older than me kept looking at me and I knew she wanted to ask me something but didn't know what to say. I simply flashed her a quick smile as I walked out of the elevator first and that's when I hit the lobby.

An old lady asked me how I was feeling and her friend next to her said she is sorry for what I had to experience. I muttered a quiet "thank you" and "I'm doing okay thanks" and walked towards the automatic sliding doors. When I got to one security guard he looked at me as if I was a young, juvenile girl and I had to look away from him.

When I got to security he told me he was sorry and hopes that I'm okay. I thanked him and kept walking towards my car. I passed people on my way and they too, all josh stared and whispered to one another. I hated this. Why did I choose to come out?

Work wasn't much better. Too many people were nosy, the others treated me like I was a broken child. I was broken inside but I tried my best not to show it.

"How are you doing?" Zayn asks me as he steps into my office, flicking the buckle on his watch. "You look awful."

"Thanks, I really appreciate that compliment." I grimace. "I'm trying my best to move on, I actually left my bedroom today and I thought coming here would take my mind off things but people around here aren't making that easy for me."

"Who's being a fool? I'll sort them out for you" he sits down in front of me and puts a brown paper on my table along with a coffee.

"Thanks" I look inside the bag and the food makes me really hungry but I don't want to eat as I'm afraid it'll only come back up and all over my work. I can't risk that. I take a few bites of it as we talk about an article he's working on. I hope he gets promoted soon like I did. He deserves it.

I'm glad we spoke about work, I didn't want to talk about the other day even though I could see the subject was on the tip of Zayn's tongue.

*

Niall ended up eating the rest of my breakfast that Zayn kindly brought me. He at first asked me how I'm doing and when I didn't answer instantly he changed the topic right away about my friends, 5 seconds of summer and told me that their band was having another gig. I haven't spoken to Luke or any of the other boys in ages I needed to see them soon, hopefully going to that gig Niall mentioned would help me take my mind off things too and plus I really want to see them again they're cool guys.

I called Harry and he told me I sounded a little more like myself today. I told him how it could be the fact I'm back at work. I asked him what he was doing and he said he's at home pulling his hair out with boredom and he misses me.

I told him I'll go to his house after work as I miss him too. This was when I started to feel a tiny bit like myself again. He helped me do just that. No, we didn't have sex as I have my period, probably another reason why I feel so shit and am so emotional but we lied on his bed for the night, he held me in his arms and for the first time I got a proper nights sleep.

He is an angel, I'm so lucky to have him in my life. I don't want to lose him so David and his men better stay the hell away.

Day 5

I gave in my statement today during my lunch break. The cops were surprisingly nice to me and let me have my emotional, crazy person time.

They knew I wasn't dealing with this well and asked if I wanted to go back to the hospital so they could give me something to help such as medication.

At first I declined, but later that night when I still couldn't sleep I took them up on that offer. I drove myself there and when I walked in a woman asked me if I was that girl who was at the shooting. A man near her asked what it was like and another man beside him asked what it was like to have someone die on me. The woman who first noticed me then asked how much blood there was and said there'd be so much she can imagine. How rude can people get? I just said I don't want to talk about it and tried to calm myself down and continued to walk towards the front desk at the hospital.

An hour later they prescribed me some medication and recommended I see someone like a counsellor to try and help me. I told them it wouldn't help, it'd only make it worse so I declined that offer and went home.

I'm fine until someone reminds me of what happened. I just wish everyone would moms their own business, even if they're asking me if I'm okay of course I'm not.

Day 6

Luke called me today and said he won't ask me how I'm doing because how could anyone be doing okay who experienced something like that. He said instead, he is going to ask me what I am doing tomorrow night as his hand is playing a gig. I told him I'd love to come and is it okay if I bring Harry and Luke said he would be mad if I didn't bring him. He apparently had a run in with Aleisha and she tried to get back with him but he said no. He still loves her and is hurt that she did what she did but he told me he deserves better and I told him he did. I hope he finds a special girl he's such a great guy.

At work Tony asked me if I could write an article on what happened and what I experienced as it'd be a great hit for the company. I told him I'd think about it only so I could get away from him as soon as I could because otherwise I would've slapped him. How could he be so selfish but then again I realised that he is selfish, he's Tony. He doesn't care about his employees he just cares about the money they earn him.

Day 7

The cops called Zayn, Gemma, Harry and I in today and told us they think our stories are lies. It went a little like this.

"So" officer Bryan took a seat in front of us with officer Stuart beside him like usual. "Whilst we thought your stories were legitimate and honest we came across two things. The first thing is we got ahold of some video footage from Hawk Publishing and seen that Zayn did not go into Ella's room at the time that you told us. Thanks to these cameras we can see that Ella was in fact not at work at the time."

Great, I was on my lunch break.

"Then" Stuart then speaks. "Then we seen Zayn leave not long after and there was no sign of him in your office. Care to tell us why you both lied?" He looks to Zayn and I.

"It was my fault I told him to lie." I admit.

"No Ella, it's not your fault-"

"No really it was mine. I called Zayn and told him to come I was on my lunch break and I don't know why I lied I guess that I thought you wouldn't believe me when I haven't done anything wrong here and I panicked I hate being questioned by police."

"Do you know how much trouble you could get in for your lies miss Jackson?" Bryan frowns.

"I know but I clearly wasn't in the right headspace and I'm still not and Zayn lied for me because I made him do it."

"We will not let this slide easily but we do get that you aren't yourself. You're currently on medication?" Bryan asks.

"Yes" I nod my head.

"Very well, we do have evidence that you are still in an unusual state of mind. Now, for the second lie you all told us that you didn't know Adam. We have evidence from many years ago of some photographs, cards and letters from Adams home that he lived in that officers had a look through and we have evidence that you two did in fact know each other. Care to explain that?"

I put my head in my hands as I really don't want to tell them about Adam and what he did to me but I know I have to otherwise I could get all of us into serious trouble. I tell them that I need to do this alone with Harry by my side, so Zayn and Gemma leave. I don't want them to have to experience hearing this again I know Gemma is still not the same due to what happened and I don't want her to have to