16 | Calm

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"The world's so big and I'm so small. The ocean's deep as the sky is tall. Sometimes I feel like I'm nobody at all. But you make me feel like I'm someone, you do 'cause I know I'm someone to you. Make me feel like I matter, you do 'cause I know I matter to you"

Matter to You (Only Child)

HANNAH

The morning of Garrett's game, I sat at Matt and I's usual table in the back of Sheeps and Goats, munching on my croissant. Matt was on the phone with his coach. I couldn't pay attention to what he was saying, because I was internally in a frenzy.

I'd pushed off telling him about my plans to invite him to my apartment tonight until the last possible minute. Now that that minute was here, I was still as terrified as ever. Excited, but terrified.

I kept eyeing him as he laughed in his response to something his coach had said. I think I smiled automatically because he was too handsome for his own good. And that laugh...was something else entirely.

Finally, the conversation ended, and he hung up. Putting his phone down, he caught my eyes. "Sorry about that. Coach wanted to discuss logistics of our next away game."

I waved him off. "No, don't apologize," I said, my fingers fidgeting. My breathing quickened as I tried to build up my courage.

His eyes squinted in my direction, clearly noticing that something was off. "Are you okay?"

I gulped. "I have to tell you something."

At my words, worry flashed in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing bad," I began. When I noticed the slight shake in my voice, I stopped and forced myself to take in a deep breath to calm my nerves. "I just wanted to ask if you were willing to pick me up later tonight? Chloe won't be there; she'll meet us at the game."

"Yeah, of course," he answered quickly. Then, slowly but surely, the weight behind my words sunk in and it dawned on him what I was asking. "Wait," he breathed out heavily, "pick you up where?"

His eyes were intense, watching me closely as I said, "from my apartment. I'll text you the address."

He swallowed hard. He pushed his fingers through his hair, messing up the curls. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Yes. I've thought about this for a while. I-I trust you."

He reached out and grabbed my hands, holding them in a comforting grip. "Hannah."

"I do. You've shown me that I can trust you. I'm comfortable with you." My voice had gained confidence the more I talked. And the way he was looking at me with those beautiful eyes made me feel like I was floating.

His eyes softened and he swallowed hard again, seeming conflicted with emotion. "Thank you for trusting me. I know how much this means to you."

A small smile broke through to my lips. "Thank you for being easy to trust."

That brought out a smile from him as well and it made my heart race. "So, I'll take an Uber to your place then."

My eyebrows furrowed slightly. "I thought you had a car?"

"I do."

"Then why don't you drive to my place?"

He seemed to be confused at my line of questioning. "There's no reason to drive just to park it the whole night. You're driving us, right?"

Wait a minute. "I was hoping you would drive us there if you were okay with it."

He stared at me for a long while, completely taken back. "But I would have control of the car."

I nodded, sensing where he was going. I couldn't believe he remembered everything I told him. So much so that he was attentive to everything that I was deeply uncomfortable with. I was so screwed with this man. "I know," I took in a deep breath, "I'm okay with it."

His eyes widened as he continued to stare at me in pure shock. "Hannah," he breathed out in that deep voice as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Now it was I who squeezed his hand, hoping to convince him of what I was saying. After all, it was all true. "I mean it. All of it. I trust you. I am comfortable being alone with you, even when it means I'm not fully in control of the situation. I may not be ready to go to those frat parties or even come to your place yet, but I can do these two things. For now, I'm comfortable with this." I squeezed his hand again and scooted up in my seat so I could get closer. I waited a short while until his confused eyes could meet mine in full attention. "This is me working on it."

He covered my hand with his other one and softly caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. "I know. This all just took me by surprise, is all. I didn't expect any of it."

For a split second, I wondered if maybe I was moving too fast for him. I would completely understand if I was and that was making him uncomfortable. Once the thought flashed in my head, it forced itself to the center rather than disappearing. "I'm sorry. I bombarded you with this information. You don't have to pick me up tonight. We can do that another day perhaps."

Before I could even finish speaking, he was shaking his head firmly at me. His hold on my hand tightened as well. "You have nothing to apologize for. What you just did, giving me your trust is one of the most precious gifts I've ever been given. You keep sweeping me off my fucking feet, Hannah, and I don't know how to keep up."

Air left my lungs and I sat there staring at him in awe.

He studied me for a short moment before continuing. "I would be happy to pick you up and drive us to the game."

"Really?"

He smiled then and my heart melted at the sight. "Absolutely."

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After our classes, Chloe and I had gone grocery shopping to prepare for tonight's dinner. We'd done some light cleaning around the apartment before starting to get ready for the game.

Later that evening, I sat in my living room, waiting for Matt to arrive. I was all dolled up and ready. Chloe had already left after we'd finished getting ready together. Garratt needed to be at the stadium way before the game started, so he had picked her up early.

I had texted Matt my address soon after we parted ways this morning and my heart has been racing more and more the closer it got to his arrival.

Minutes later, I got a text from him, letting me know he had arrived.

I took in a deep breath, calming my nerves. I shot him a quick text to let him know I would right out. Then, I grabbed my phone, water bottle, and purse before leaving the apartment.

As soon as I exited the apartment, I caught sight of Matthew leaning against his SUV. His hands were in his pockets, his eyes focused on the main door, evidently waiting for me to walk out.

Our eyes met at once, and my feet seemed to be in a hurry as they carried me to him. He pushed off the car and walked toward me. I basically lunged into his open arms, and he let out a soft grunt when we made contact. I was immediately engulfed by his addicting scent and warmth. His strong arms held me against his body and mine nestled around his waist.

"You look stunning," he murmured into my hair as we stood there holding each other.

I tightened my hold on him. "Thank you."

After a moment, he pulled away slightly without completely letting me go. His warm eyes caught mine. "Ready?"

Calm washed over me, being in his embrace like this and staring up into his eyes. I nodded. "Yeah. I'm ready if you are."

For a moment, his eyes seemed to glaze over. He brought his right hand up to my face and cupped my cheek. His thumb lightly grazed there for a short moment while his studious eyes wandered around my face. I took in a sharp breath, excitedly waiting for him to kiss me. The noise, however, seemed to have snapped him out of his trance. Soon, he dropped his hands, letting me go. Although it was warm outside, I suddenly felt cold and I ached for his hug.

I forced my breathing to regulate, ignoring the disappointment I felt at his almost-kiss. Today was supposed to be about the game and introducing Matt and Chloe, I scolded myself. Nodding, I turned my attention to him, dismissing how much I longed to be near him again. 

He turned around to his car and opened the passenger door for me. He watched me intently as I made my way to the car and slowly slid into the seat. Up until now, the reality of what was happening had seemed so far away, something I would later do. Now, however, I was doing it. I was actively putting myself at his mercy. My deep distrust in people, in general, washed over me like ice-cold water. I closed my eyes as the panic I had been expecting finally surfaced. Giving up any ounce of control felt like slow suffocation.

Fuck. Maybe I had been wrong. I thought being okay with him knowing where I live meant I could also do this. But my heart and mind were threatening a mutiny if I didn't find an exit strategy soon. Though I knew deep down I wanted to do this. My rational mind knew I needed to learn to overcome this fear. I wanted Matthew, but my thoughts were fuzzy. I didn't know what to do. My breathing quickened as my mind flashed back to that night. The last night I had lost control, everything had gone awry. The last time I let go, my best friend almost died.

"Hannah," Matthew's sweet voice whispered, interrupting my vicious thoughts, "baby, open your eyes." When I didn't oblige, he didn't push. Rather, he moved some of my hair behind my ear. "You're okay. You can get out of this car at any time. We don't have to do this either. You can drive us to the game or you can take a rain check. There's plenty of football games in the future we can catch."

I wanted to cry. I didn't want to take a rain check. I wanted to go to that game and introduce him to Chloe. I wanted to get closer to him. Flustered, I forced myself to take in a deep breath, hoping that might calm me down. His familiar scent slapped me in the face, drowning my senses. I could feel his hand rubbing my back as he continuously whispered to me that I was okay. I wanted more, more of him. In pursuit, I opened my eyes slightly, turning to find him watching me with saddened eyes. "I'm sorry," I whispered in an unsteady voice.

He shook his head softly. "No. You don't need to apologize." As he spoke, I looked away, knowing full well I was burdening him and keeping him from an evening that was supposed to be fun. "Hannah, look at me." I closed my eyes, forcing the tears I felt coming on, away. "Baby, please look at me." While his voice remained strong, I could feel the brokenness that surrounded it. I couldn't help but oblige him then. I opened my eyes, meeting his. "You are okay. Even though I will be driving, you still have your phone. Chloe knows where you are and who you are with. If you want me to stop the car, I will stop the car wherever. Do you believe me?"

Even in my emotionally distraught state, there was no doubt as to the answer to his question. "Yes."

He moved closer and cupped my face with both of his hands. "Do you want to go back inside and take a breather?"

As I looked into his kind eyes, my breathing slowed. The panic that had taken over my thoughts was pushed to the back of my mind. Although it lingered, I was now able to see past my fear and realize what had just happened. He was right. I was safe and I was okay. A lump lodged in my throat as I recognized the bridge he'd just helped me face. I blinked, looking up at him in wonder. "No, it's okay. I'm...I'm okay. We can go," I said softly, grabbing onto his forearms with both of my hands. "Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For staying. For helping me see that I was okay and safe here with you," my voice trembled towards the end.

He leaned in, leaving a kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment. When he pulled away, he looked down at me. "There's no need to thank me, Hannah. I'm always here for you."

I couldn't help the emotions that swept over me. I placed a soft kiss on his right forearm, before saying, "We should go before Chloe starts to worry."

In the seconds that followed, the rise and fall of his chest quickened as his eyes darkened a little. This time, however, he didn't bother covering his emotions with a poker face. He let me see all of it. And his voice...it had deepened and sounded gravelly as he responded. "Alright, let's go."

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