21

Anxiety and Worries

I was fumbling with my own stuff in my closet. It's already afternoon. Kaninang umaga at tanghali ay kasabay kong kumain si Xenon. Now, I'm busy arranging my stuff to find a good dress.

Malapit na ang birthday ni Xenon. Like, in 2 days! Time flew by like a phantom.

I have a meeting later with my group online. We have to finish our work before the deadline assigned by our prof. Which is brutal.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang hilig magbigay ng mga prof nang gawain tapos gusto nila pasahan agad? As if students doesn't have their own life aside from school.

It's not like I'm complaining to everyone. I'm just saying that there are some who are... well... not understanding.

A knock from my door stopped my thoughts. Bago ko pa itanong kung sino, bumukas na ito.

"What are you doing?" Nakangiting banggit ni Xenon habang nakasandal sa pintuan ko. He didn't close it.

"You didn't wait for me to let you enter." Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "What if you walk into me naked?"

He pursed his lips before smiling apologetically. "I won't look. Isasara ko agad ang pinto kung ganun. I'm sorry that I opened it immediately. I was excited pero hindi iyon sapat na dahilan. Are you mad?"

Umiling ako. Always explaining. Always understanding. Always honest.

"It's fine..."

"Hmm, then what're you doing? You look stressed." Aniya habang nakahalukipkip.

Right.

What was I doing?

Isn't it embarrassing to admit that I was busy finding a dress to wear for his birthday? Yes it is. Kaya hindi ko na lang sasabihin.

I gathered myself before standing properly and facing him. I was near the closet.

"I... Was finding clothes to wear for later."

"About your meeting?"

I nodded. Yep, I told him earlier. Lagi ko siyang kasama kaya alam na niya halos lahat ng tungkol sa akin. Damn, minsan nga ay siya pa ang gumigising sa akin kapag hindi ako nagigising agad para sa klase. He'd do that before attending his classes.

"Mamaya pa naman pero... Uh, I just wanna be prepared." I said, which was a half lie.

Una sa lahat, totoo naman na humahanap ako ng damit. Ang problema lang, iba ang dahilan. It wasn't for the meeting. It was for his birthday. Which was... nearing. And I am very anxious.

"Do you need any help? Gutom ka ba? Mag merienda ka muna."

I waved my hands. "Mamaya na..."

"Dito ka lang ba sa kwarto mo? Tawagin mo lang ako kung kailangan mo ng tulong. Or... If you want my company. I'll be at my room. Magtatapos lang ako saglit ng mga ipapasa." His eyes were bright while informing me.

Damn... So freaking bright.

How can he always do that? Melt my heart effortlessly.

"Oo na, oo na. Shoo! Busy ako." Nakanguso ko siyang tinaboy. I walked towards him and started pushing him out softly from his back.

He was laughing the whole time. Imbes na mainis, mukhang natutuwa pa siya. Although he didn't let me get my way. Halos hindi ko nga siya naigalaw.

I mean, heck, I'm strong but he's way stronger! Gawa ba siya sa bato?!

"Why aren't you moving?" Frustrated kong reklamo.

"Because I don't want to." Malambing niyang sabi bago ako sinilip sa likod niya.

"You're always flirting with me."

"Ano naman?"

"Baka mahuli tayo."

"Ngayon ka pa talaga nahiya?" Hindi makapaniwala na sabi niya. He glanced at me with a ghost of amusement. Lalo akong sumimangot.

He turned towards me. My grasp on him fell. He held my hand before it could even hang by my sides.

"See you later, Flaire." He smirked before quickly kissing my lips and running off to his room.

I was left with wide eyes. Tulala ko siyang pinanood hanggang sa makapasok sa kwarto niya. Although he didn't close the door. He was inside but he left the door open enough to fit his head while looking at me in my room.

"Don't get mad! Do your best! I love you!" He said before giving me a flying kiss. Xenon was roaring with laughter as he closed the door.

As soon as his door went shut, a weak laugh escaped my lips. I used my wrist to cover my lips.

Mahina ang mga tawa kong hindi pa rin makapaniwala. My cheeks flushed and I could feel my legs weakening. Bago pa ako bumagsak, sinarado ko na ang pintuan ng kwarto ko.

I sat and leaned against the door.

Lintik na Xenon. Wala nang ginawa kung hindi pakiligin ako. How could I focus later if I'm out of sanity right now?

I did not know how I pulled myself together and managed to prepare for the meeting later on. I sat in front of my desk inside my room. My laptop and other documents needed are arranged already.

When the meeting started, I was all focused. I hate studying. Gosh, I hate everything that relates to school. But ever since I've had a change of heart on this island, I started liking things I used to hate. I started being responsible instead of not caring and being reckless.

"Is it correct, Flaire?" One of our members asked me after reciprocating her thoughts.

"Yeah... If we could just tweak it a bit to be more relatable and easy to understand. Other than that, everything's fine..." I said as I checked the papers on my desk.

At the same time, making sure that I mute myself every time after I speak.

A soft knock welcomed my ears. I glanced at the door. My desk has the view of it, giving me a perfect view of how Xenon silently slipped through a small gap to check on me.

"You done?" He mouthed.

I shook my head and pointed to my laptop. I did it secretly, hoping that my mates wouldn't notice anything.

"Gutom ka ba?" He whispered.

"I'm fine," I gave him a small smile.

He pouted. "How about oreo cheesecake?"

He smirked when my arms slowly fell. "I knew you couldn't resist. I'll be back," Xenon gave a flying kiss before closing the door.

Nailing-iling ako habang tumingin ulit sa screen.

"Is there a problem, Flaire?" They asked.

"N-No. Nothing. Everything's good." Buti na lang na-mute ko kanina mic ko.

Imagine if people heard Xenon and I's conversation. I'd be too embarrassed to face anyone, even the mirror.

Looks like my teammates found my reason valid without doubt. We continued with our meeting. Although I feel like my mind's flying elsewhere because of how Xenon popped up earlier.

"Flaire," Bulong niya mula sa pinto. Nakangisi habang sinisilip ako.

And now.

I sighed.

I excused myself from my teammates. "Hey, uh... I'll just close my cam and mic. Balik ako agad. I just need to... Finish things..." I gazed at Xenon. He was smiling wide.

"Yeah, sure. We'll just check more and finalize things. Take your time..." I thanked them before standing up and walking to Xenon.

"Hmm? Merienda." Inabot niya ang hawak na pinggan sa akin.

"Thank you..." I said and placed it on the table before looking at him again. "Tapos ka na sa mga gawain mo?"

"Yeah... Ikaw? Malapit na ba matapos?"

"I think? I hope so. It's stressing me out." I gave a long sigh.

Xenon laughed and opened his arms. "Come here."

"Why?"

"Power hug." He said, which made me laugh. I think I heard it somewhere.

Nang mapansing hindi ako agad gumalaw, siya na ang humila sa kamay ko para mapalapit sa kaniya. He immediately cradled me in his arms. I hugged him back, letting a sigh.

"You smell good." Bulong ko. Smells like home.

"Hmm? I would've loved to kiss you right now but I won't take chances. You need to focus and finish your work first. Studies muna bago kita landiin." Bulong niya habang hinahalikan ang noo ko.

Xenon was humming as he swayed his body along with mine. It was a simple and sweet move. Totoo nga ang sinabi niya. This powers me up. I love every bit of silence as we sway along with his humming as he enveloped me in his arms which I call home.

"Time's up," Balak niyang lumayo nang hilahin ko siya ng mas malapit.

"Stay."

"Baka hinahanap ka na."

"Sabi nila... take your time." I showed him my smirk. "So I will take my time. Please stay."

He chuckled at my actions. "Five minutes ha."

"Ten."

"Too long? Seven."

"Deal." I smiled before stuffing my face on his chest.

Xenon brushed his fingers along my back. Giving more comfort than I could've asked for.

I should be busy with my homework but here I am, being a baby to the person I love the most. The person who was stubborn enough to know all my sides.

After our seven minutes were done, Xenon let me go. If it weren't for his self-control, I would've been in a serious situation against my teammates. Thank goodness for him really.

Even as I was pouting as I sat back down, grabbing the fork on the plate with a grudge, Xenon was standing against the door frame, smiling and laughing at how I act.

He was trying his best to keep quiet but his sincerity is overshadowed by how he liked me being like this.

I glanced at him with teary eyes. Hoping that somehow, he'll buy my act.

"Uh-uh." Umiling siya. "Focus on your work. We'll continue later." He grinned. "So manipulative of my weakness." Dagdag pa niya bago tumatawang umalis.

Ngumuso ako nang buksan ulit ang mic at cam. I was hiding myself every time I took a bite of the cake slice. I look horribly stupid but I couldn't care less.

Ugh, I need those kisses later. Yes, that many. That's what I care about.

"Xenon," My hand fell on his chest. Stopping him from what we wanted more to do.

"What?" He asked, out of breath.

We were sitting on the couch in the living room. Good thing, walang tao. We were watching a movie until it escalated to this. He was hugging me in his arms until I felt his lips on mine.

Hindi naman ako makatanggi... Until I remembered where we are.

"Stop, baka may dumaan." I said.

He rested his forehead on mine. "So what? They know we're together. It's not like it's a crime."

"It's awkward..." I explained.

Xenon smiled before nodding. Immediately understanding what I meant. "Let me just hug you then."

"Thank you." I laughed.

"Anything. Hindi ko naman gagawin kung ayaw mo. Plus, I also like cradling you in my arms."

"Like a baby?"

"Oh, excited ka masyado. Malayo pa 'yon." Biro niya. Mahina ko siyang hinampas sa braso.

He groaned but still kissed my cheeks.

"Where would your birthday be held?" I asked out of the blue.

"I don't know? Dito o sa hotel resort. I don't really mind unless you're with me."

"Maraming pupunta?"

He caressed his cheeks, thinking. "Ata? Why? What if we run away, huh? Tayong dalawa na lang ang magcelebrate." He laughed at his own crazy idea.

"Deal."

"What?" Gulat niya akong tiningnan. "You're really buying it?"

"If you want to, of course. Pero dapat magpaalam pa rin. Baka mag-alala sina Tita."

"Teka, gusto mo talaga?" Ulit niyang tanong.

"Oo nga, paulit-ulit?"

Humalakhak siya. "Pikon." He pinched my cheeks. "Fine, we'll do that. We can cancel or let them celebrate without me. I don't care. Basta sa 'kin ka."

I rolled my eyes at his teasing arrogance.

I was slowly focusing on the movie again until I noticed him fishing out his phone with his other hand. Ang isang kamay ay nakapulupot pa rin sa akin. I secretly smirked. So clingy.

"Who are you calling?" Tanong ko.

"Mom." He answered. "It's in 2 days. I have to tell them early or else baka paluin ako."

I let out a big laugh and he pouted at me before focusing on his call again.

"Hey, Ma. Uh..." He trailed off before explaining what he was planning. "Yeah. Really? Thanks! I love you. Tell Dad as well. Mwa!" Then he turned the phone off.

"What did Tita say?"

"She said fine. Nung una, mukhang aangal pa but when I told her you also want it, she immediately said yes." He gathered our hands together. Playing and caressing the fingers. "Damn, you got such a hold to my family. Pakiramdam ko, mas pipiliin ka nila kaysa sa akin."

"I know right." Mayabang kong sabi and he laughed.

"So this is settled? San tayo?"

"Hmm... Kahit saan?"

"Delikado mga hinihingi mo ah." He nervously laughed. His reaction is so funny.

"Don't you know that with me, comes danger?"

Xenon just nodded like he's under some spell. I don't think he's listening to me because he's so busy playing with my hands.

"I'm thinking about... Manila. But it's still dangerous. How about..." He trailed off, still picking up some ideas.

"How about spontaneous?" I suggested, ending his train of thought. "I don't need something well-planned, Xenon. Anything with you, messy or not. As long as it is legal and well, maybe not, but as long as with you, I'm good."

"Miss ma'am, nasaan po ang girlfriend ko? Hindi po kayo si Flaire. Hindi niya sasabihin iyan."

"Duh! She had a glow up. It's called maturity as well."

Xenon roared a laughter before hugging me so tight.

"So freaking adorable." I heard him mutter a soft curse.

We continued with our crazy antics before I noticed my phone notification. Someone sent me a text again.

From: Unknown Number

Very brave, you are. I wonder how strong though?

I felt something weird spread up my spine.

Xenon noticed my change of mood. Bahagya niyang sinilip ang hawak kong phone. When he read it, mabilis niyang inagaw iyon, pinatay, at ibinaba sa coffee table.

"Hey," He called me. "It's okay." He tried comforting me.

"Xenon..." I was a bit lost.

It's giving me serious anxiety. I've never felt this scared with myself. But damn, a lot of people could get involved. I freaking hate this.

"Flaire, hey, look at me, sweetie..." He reached for my cheeks.

I found his eyes before it could even wander.

"Xenon, what if it gets more serious?"

"The threats? We can handle it."

"What if we don't? I mean, I can do it alone. I won't care if it's only me. But a lot of people can get caught now because I'm with you... I don't want that."

"Shh, no." He kissed my eyes. Doon ko lang napansin na may namumuong luha. "Happy thoughts, Flaire. Happy thoughts only, okay? We can do this. Wala akong pake kung may pwedeng madamay. As long as we stay together, we can protect each other hmm?"

I nodded, following along whatever he was saying.

"But if things get really really serious-" I tried to say but he stopped me.

"Kahit gaanong ka serious pa 'yan, hindi ka aalis ng walang pasabi. Please?" He almost begged.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "Hey, I'm really sorry. If only I lived a good life, this wouldn't happen."

"Flaire, I really don't care. The moment I liked you, which I don't even know how and why, I already accepted every flaw along with you." Xenon kept on comforting me.

"Thank you. Malapit na birthday mo and this is still going on." Frustrated kong sabi. Feeling so freaking guilty about my stupid decisions. Now I'm here, bombarded with threats and couldn't act however I want because I don't wanna risk Xenon and others.

"Ayos lang. Kalma. Everything is gonna be fine. Hmm? Huwag mo nang isipin iyan. Sige ka, papanget ka."

"How dare you!" Natatawa kong sabi despite all the worries flooding in.

He smiled. "See? At least you laughed. That's the important thing."

We went on and on until I eventually forgot about the threats and worries. Ewan ko ba kung tactic 'to ni Xenon. I don't care anymore. If it was, it really works. Whatever magic he has, I'm nothing but a slave to it.

Though, I'm not complaining.