Chapter 45: Acceptance

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He put his hands in his pocket and took out a small velvet box opening it to reveal a beautiful diamond ring "Marry me." He stood there starring at me expectantly.

My heart lurched as I stare into his eyes, what am I gonna do now? It's a whole different situation now. I can't make the same mistake twice. I can't bear to go through that same painful experience again.

But what if ? What if it could work out? It could right? But what if it's just a figment of my imagination where I'm just hoping that this will be different - even with that nagging feeling that it's obviously not right -but who am I to foresee what the future will hold for both of us. All I know is,I can't go through the same heartbreak again.

It was a moment where I have to choose for the better of my future. As I stood there wondering and thinking, he was still standing there looking at me expectantly. My heart and my mind were in sync at that moment . I knew I didn't need a man to make me who I already am. I am who I am and no one can define that. Be it married, in a relationship or single.

I slowly stepped back and those expectant look in his eyes were immediately replaced with hurt. I didn't mean to hurt him but I couldn't bear to be hurt all over again. I've been thinking about how it would affect others but I did not think about how it would affect my life. For once in my life I wanted to be selfish.

I should care for myself more than I should care for others. After all this is my decision alone and no one can help me but myself. Only I am capable of knowing what is best for myself and that is to accept the fact that I don't need a man to be happy. Regardless how sweet and nice they are because when your heart says you ain't ready then honey you definitely ain't ready.

" I'm sorry " I said as I slowly back away "I just-Wha-we- " I could not find the right words to say afterwards after seeing how broken he looked.

"Why? Is it because of what you said? I can change, I swear" sounding desperate as he grabbed my hand

I try to pry my hands away from him "No, it's not just that"

"Then what is it? Am I not good enough? Do you not love me anymore? Why Jenna? Do I-"

"Because for once I wanna do what is right for me" I said with my voice a little too loud as I try to cut him off " You are and will always be a great friend to me. What we had was really great but I truly don't see a future where you and I will be happy in the long run."

"How do you know we won't be happy in the long run?" He asked slowly standing up. His once hopeful glance turned confused and hurt.

"It's just- I can't - I care for you deeply but..." I couldn't give him a specific reason. I cannot with all my might have a reason good enough, because deep down I just knew I can't continue this on " I think we both need to really think things through. I know I need to take a step back and see the whole picture"

He looked at me confused " What are you talking about?" His tone shifting from confused to a slight accusing tone " Are you seeing someone else? Are you going behind my back?" His voice rising with each word.

"No!" appalled by his accusation "Why would you say something like that? You knew what I went through before this. Do you think I wanna inflict the same pain to someone whom I care deeply"

His face turned with guilt and shame and he sighed "Then why Jenna? Why are you hurting me when you say you care for me?"

"That's not fair" I said frustrated because even I myself can't come out with the right word. I never meant to hurt him but if I continue on with this any longer I'm afraid there would be more damage. God I wish there was a way to make all of this easier where both of us could just let go of each other without the heartbreak.

I took another step back, sighed as I close my eyes hoping that the words would come out easy, I opened my eyes stare straight at Justin as he stare back at me with full of hope and another emotion I can't quite understand at the moment.

"Justin" I let out another sigh "I think you and I both know this is not going to work out. We obviously care so deeply for each other and at some point it could be called love , but let's be honest with each other. Do you honestly think we would be happy together for the rest of our lives?"

He expression was hard to read as he looked down and I thought he was gonna say how we were so meant for each other or how much he loved me but the words that came out completely took me by surprise " I cheated on you"

Shock would be an understatement, furious could not begin to cover it yet somehow I couldn't find myself to be so hurt or hate him. I just stood there unable to utter a word because I wasn't as hurt as I thought I was suppose to be

"I was drunk' he continued on when I didn't say a word " after our argument I decided to go to a bar and drink and Claire was there one thing led to another"

"What?" I asked fuming with anger "You cheated on me with your EX GIRLFRIEND" at this point I am beyond fuming I'm angry like I'm about to stab someone but I quickly tried to calm myself down

"I had no intention of hurting you, I was just so drunk and angry and she was there to comfort me and all the memories flashed before me and I couldn't hold myself and slept with her" he looked at me shame covered his whole face as his shoulder slack

"You of all people should have known"

"Yes I know, Jenna. I know what is wrong and nothing I say can ever make it up to you. I know out of all people I should have known better than to hurt you this way. For fuck sakes, I felt so damn empty. Being with you can be so damn tiring Jenna."

"It's not my fault you decide to cheat" I retorted

"You're right" at this point he was already sitting on the step of the stairs, hands covering his face running to his hair "You don't deserve this. But deep down I always felt like I'll never amount to the man you once loved so deeply" his voice came out like he was about to cry

"What do you mean?" I asked as my anger subsided

"What I'm saying is deep down you and I both know Finn has never left your mind"

"That's crazy" hoping my voice came out as confident as should be but it came out more like a small whisper

"Think about it. Up till now, do you think you have fully forgotten about him"

"How am I suppose to forget? It scarred me Justin. The man who I thought would love me all his life cheated on me and yet you expect me to just forget about it?"

"No that's not what I meant" he quickly corrected "What I meant is you still love him even if you won't admit it or can't see it but you still love him deeply. I mean come on we got together few months after your divorce. I'm practically a rebound for you or a more appropriate thing to say is I was someone convenient for you to latch on to forget about the hurt"

I had nothing else to say at this point because my mind felt like it was spinning. Was what Justin said true? Did I really use Justin as an escape from the pain Finn inflicted on me? Do I still love him? I wanted answers but how do I get the answers.

"I know what I did was wrong on so many levels and there isn't any excuse for my behaviour. Maybe in another life we both could be madly in love with each other without the pain and hurt from the past. You and I both were hurt by the people we loved and cherished and somehow we both thought that it was long gone and forgotten. You're right about Claire, I picked her not based on a professional attitude but merely based on a feeling I've been trying to avoid" as soon as he's done talking, he stood up and walked straight to the door

I wanted to stop him but I wanted to be alone as well. Before he closed the door behind him, he turned to look at me and said "I hope that you could forgive me for all the wrongs I've done and I hope that we could still remain as good friends."

Before he closed the door fully, I called his name one last time. He looked back at me "I would love to remain as good friends" I said and with that he nodded with a smile and close the door.

I walked down the stairs slowly still trying to process with whatever that just happened and grabbed my phone from my right front pocket to search for Abs' number. To my surprise she texted me earlier this morning saying she left early for a jog to give me and Justin some alone time to talk things out. I smiled while shaking my head at my cheeky friend.

______________________________________________

"Oh shit" was the only word Abigail manage to muster up as I told her about the events that happened between me and Justin "Are you okay? Do you need me to go there and cut his dick off?"

I laughed at her suggestion and shook my head "There shall be no cutting of anyone's private part. We both decided to remain as friends and leave everything behind us."

"What does that mean though? Like do you pretend nothing happened and go along with life like you both never dated or what?" her face scrunched in confusion "And what the fuck! He slept with Claire. His ex whom he said had no feelings for at all when hiring her. What a jackass"

I laughed even more at her statement "Why are you laughing? Are you not angry?" Abigail asked

"Why should I be?" I asked her in between smiles

"For starters he cheated on you" she said emphasizing the cheating part

I shrugged "Honestly at first I felt betrayed and angry but somehow it doesn't affect me as much as I thought it would because maybe what he said was right'

"What? The part about you still having feelings for your ex-husband" I tensed up as she mentioned that "With all due respect Jen, I though we were over him a long looong time ago. Like wasn't he ancient history?"

I felt my heart skipped a beat as I thought about Finn. Abigail was right, he was something of the past I shouldn't be thinking about yet my heart said differently. After all these years, could I still be holding on to this feelings that should've dissolved in the past? Was Justin right? Did I make him feel insecure with my hidden feelings of the past? If so why didn't he just be upfront about it. As I thought about all the questions I felt myself zoning out but Abigail waved her hand in front of my face to bring my attention back to her.

"So?"

"What?" I asked confused

"What are you gonna do now?" I thought about her question carefully

"I'm gonna quit my job."

_______________________________________________

Justin looked confused sitting in his office as I handed him my resignation letter. he held up the paper then look up at me "What's this? I thought everything was resolved yesterday?"

"You're right. everything was resolved yesterday" before he could continue on with his question I quickly answered "And I think the best thing for me to do right now is quit. No offense but working with your ex isn't a really ideal environment much worse when the girl you cheated on me with is your new secretary. All of this screams out unprofessional in every aspect."

He opened then close then opened his mouth but decided otherwise and nodded "Yeah, that would be a wise decision."

There was a knock at the door and a few seconds later Claire came in the room but stopped immediately when our eyes locked. Her whole face turned red as she looked down "Erm.. Justin you have a meeting in a few minutes with the"

"Oh yeah" Justin replied "Almost forgot about that. Thanks Claire, I'll be out in a while' and with that she nodded her head and left the room

"So are you guys a thing now or?" I asked with one eyebrow raised at him

He scratched his head with a shy look "We haven't gotten to talk about that yet. But tonight she's gonna come over my place and talk things through and see where all this is going."

I nodded "Word of advice, I don't think she should be working as your secretary if you wanna have a relationship with her. You know with all the being professional and all." he nodded briefly as a light redness rose to his cheeks.

"Guess I better be going to pack my things and you have a meeting you need to attend' I nodded and slowly walk out to the door

"Thanks" I heard Justin say as I turn the knob at the door. I turned to look at him "You know, for being so understanding and forgiving even when we both know I don't deserve it. Yet you chose to sweep it off the rug and pretend nothing happened' I just shrugged and walked out of his office

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