Chapter 18 : Depression

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Do you know what's worse than the physical pain? It's the pain you feel inside of you. Physical will heal in a few days or months and the pain will go away. Maybe there's gonna be a scar there permanently or buy a cream to remove the scars. But the pain inside of you is hard to heal. You may forget about it at some point,but when your alone those bad memories will crawl out and slowly torment you.

That's what I'm feeling right now. Every single day the pain hurting me. My heart feeling like it's being stabbed by a million knives when I'm physically fine. How is it that I feel so painful that I'm gonna any die any second but can't seem to die.

Sitting at the corner of the bathroom with a knife on my right hand and my wrist ready to be cut. Just as the blade was about to make contact with my skin on my wrist someone slapped the knife away from me. Seeing the knife opposite of me. My heart tells me to take the knife and continue what I was doing. Feeling the urge inside of me of wanting to cut my self to take the pain away.

But a pair of emerald green eye stopped me. The way he looks at me is like he could pierce through me any moment. His eyes so full of emotions that I can't really describe.

"What do you think your doing?" He asked looking incredulous. He's face shows a hint of disappointment as in he can't believe I would do this.

It's not my fault. My mind helps to keep me sane but it couldn't help to tame or heal my broken heart. My heart wants the pain to be felt. It's like what they all say 'Pain demands to be felt'

The pain is torturing me. I don't wanna live on this earth anymore. Feeling that no one in this world understands me.

"I....I....don't know" it's hard to answer him when I don't feel like talking "I feel....so....lonely...the...the..the pain won't go away" stuttering at my words I looked down not wanting to meet his eyes. He bent down to be the same level with me. Putting his finger on my chin making me look into his mesmerising green eye that soften,but there's still a hint of sternness in there.

"Well self-harming isn't the solution to it ok" the way he talks to me is so soft,like he knows that I'll break at any moment if his voice is too loud.

"You think you know everything?" I asked my voice breaking. Feeling the tears starting to form in my eyes "Do you know how it feels like to see your husband cheating on your own best friend? I tried very hard to let it go,but you know what! I can't,every single time I sleep those things will keep crawling back to me! Haunting me, mocking me that I'll never be good enough cause I'll always be the ugly fat girl that he'll never love" I could feel myself trembling.

He didn't say anything. His face shows that he feels the pain but he can't feel my pain. No one can feel such sorrow and no one should ever feel it. But at some point we'll all go through depression. Even the people with perfect lives.

He sat beside me but his whole body was facing me. He pulled me closer to him and hugged me. At that moment I couldn't contain the tears anymore. Everything just came pouring out. I hugged him back like my life depended on it. It's like if I let go he'll disappear. His hug is so full if care and love that I just don't wanna let go.

After crying my eye lids got heavy. My eyes are close but I'm half sober. Justin carried me to his guest room and slowly put me on the bed, like his putting a very fragile glass.

Feeling the soft bed I snuggled into the pillow. I could feel someone peck on my forehead and the door closing. I fell into a deep slumber within minutes. Dreaming about me cheesy nugget burger.

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