31. On Hiatus

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"I thought that I would have heard from him by now." I was telling Rain. We were sitting on the bleachers watching what Rain said was the last game we would ever see in our high school career.

Mostly we were here because her new boyfriend Preston was captain of the team and she wanted to watch him.

I felt like a total bummer while she was excited about prom tomorrow with her prince charming. I was still worried about my math retakes tomorrow, I had almost forgotten about prom with that and missing Jamie.

"Have you tried calling?" Rain asked right after cheering for her boyfriend.

"I've called thirty-two times in the past couple days. I feel like a completely crazy person. I even rode the bus to his hotel but he wasn't home. I think I really messed up."

"Maybe he just needed a break."

"Don't say that! Do you think that he was saying goodbye when he kissed me like that? I'm going crazy over here. I really want to know he's okay too."

Rain looked over at me. "I don't think he wanted to break up with you, Pey. I think he was just hurt. He kind of put his heart out there. Just give him some time. While he's on hiatus, just try to breathe. Okay?"

I looked up at her. She had her blond hair tucked behind her ear. "Okay. I'll try."

When I went home after the game I felt completely drained. I laid in bed staring at the plane tickets he had left, and wished I could hear his voice.

I dialed his number listening to it ring again and again hoping he would pick up. When it got to voicemail I always hung up unsure what to say.

When he didn't answer I put the tickets away and pulled the blanket over my head. I couldn't rest my aching mind and heart.

I went to bed early that night. I was glad for it the next morning when I sat in that silent classroom with only two other students. A red-haired girl and a husky dark-haired guy. I guessed not too many students had to retake their math finals.

I slumped down in my seat and I gnawed on my fingernail waiting for the testing to start.

Mr. Gonzo came in and set a vanilla folder down on the desk, tucked his longish hair behind his ears, and looked up. "I wish all of you the best of luck."

He showed us a genuine smile and glanced over at me before handing out the test, formula sheets, and calculators. I gulped down my nerves and put my pencil to paper.

The next time I looked up the husky guy was turning in his test and material and saying bye as he went out the door. I felt the rush all of a sudden. I didn't want to be the last one in here. I felt like I had to beat the red-haired girl to finish.

I worked through a couple more questions before she was shuffling around to get up and turn hers in. Damn it!

I felt like giving up but I had only seven more questions.

I looked up and caught eyes with Mr. Gonzo. He was sitting behind his desk. He gave me this soft head nod. He seemed to believe in me.

I looked back down and started again and I finished in the next twenty minutes.

As I walked up to his desk, everything in a neat pile, it felt like the world was moving in slow mode. But I reached the desk and Mr. Gonzo looked up pleased. He collected everything and went ahead to start grading my test.

I caught the grade at the corner of the other student's test. The husky guy passed and the girl didn't.

"Well, bad news." Mr. Gonzo looked up at me, setting his pen down.

I was terrified. I must have failed. Then Mr. Gonzo smiled. "You won't see me next year, you passed."

I nearly collapsed. "Oh my god. Oh my god."

I wanted to dance but I chose not too. "Okay," He said. "Go ahead and enjoy your day."

I smiled and nodded and left with a little pep in my step. I walked down the empty hallway. When I got outside and I saw that there was no one outside to greet me I suddenly felt my little bit of happiness deflate.

I sat on the stairs going up to the school and called Jamie's number. I listened to it ring again and again. When it came to voicemail I decided to finally leave one. "Hey, um, if you're hearing this I just... I just... Um, I wanted to say I passed my retake test. I guess I will graduate after all." I nervously laughed.

Was that all I wanted to say? That I passed my test?

"Uh, also I'm sorry." Before I could say anything else the voicemail ended and I hung up my phone. I sat there with my head in my hands for several minutes.

I thought of asking Rain for a ride home, but I felt so miserable I didn't want to ruin her happiness she was having right now.

I caught the bus and walked the short distance to my house. As I walked up to the steps I hoped Jamie would be there but he wasn't.

I went upstairs and laid down. When my eyes started tearing up, it felt like the tears would never go away. I spent a couple of hours on and off crying.

When I woke up the next day I decided I was not going to cry anymore. I missed him but I didn't need to fall apart because of him taking a break.

I sat down at my desk checking the time. I had already gotten a couple of messages from Rain saying we would need to meet up in a couple of hours to get ready for prom together.

I spent this time looking up colleges I could go to in Boston. Maybe I was in denial. When had I even ever wanted to go to college?

I was just thinking about how immature I have been. I shouldn't have told Jamie I wanted to get married if I wasn't ready. He was always cautious and wanted to take things slow.

The minute I persuaded him to do otherwise I broke the guy's heart.

I just kept thinking about how I was a better me when I was with him. He made me want to be more than I was. He made me want to be the best me, and he made life exciting.

He cared about me and wanted to wake up to me every morning for the rest of our lives.

What else could I want?

My eyes teared up a little, but I cleared them away and called Rain. I told her I was ready for her to come to get me so we could get ready.

When I got in the car she asked. "Are you okay?"

"Not really but it'll be okay."

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