AVERY

I drive through the streets covered with dried leaves on both sides. They fly and fall on the road as every car speeds past them. I keep driving at a rather slow pace, which is quite unlike me. Although it's not that cold outside, it's quite chilly. I have a thin, maroon turtle neck on paired with a pair of plain skinny jeans. Bear is back at home like he is quite often nowadays.

I turn around the corner and quickly press the breaks. A little ahead of me, there is a construction site. This means I have to take the other way. I am already late and this is the short cut but provided that this is closed I need to take the other way to work. I turn the car and drive, this time increasing my speed.

Last night I was so tired that I slept as soon as my head hit the pillow. More mentally exhausted, than physically. I was trying not to give any time for my brain to think. With my hormones still rushing all around my body, I let myself fall asleep. But this morning I even slept through my alarm being snoozed two times.

I haven't thought of what happened last night, I didn't want to. The thoughts started rushing in as soon as my eyes opened this morning. I tried to push it away by keeping myself engaged in other stuff. I might have promised not to pull away but I am not confident about that promise anymore. There is always a feeling of 'doing something wrong' in my head which eats me up. As much as I want to clear things out, I can't. It seems as if I am stuck between the two. My commitment and my developing feelings.

I shake my head and focus on the road ahead. I completely zoned off in my head thinking about all that because I didn't realise where I am headed to until now. My eyes automatically fall on the rusted metal bars of the gate. My body doesn't even wait for my mind's command and I press the breaks bringing the car to an abrupt halt, or so I thought. I have unknowingly slowed down the car and shifted to one end. It must be a habit. Whenever I used to take this way to my office, I stopped at the graveyard.

Today it seems like I dont even have the strength to get down and walk up to him after what I did last night. Guilt starts to build inside me making my chest feel heavy. Leaving a staggered breath, I rest my forehead against the steering wheel and tighten my grip. I close my eyes and try focusing on the darkness. I can't think of Dylan right now. I can't think of Dylan right now. I can't think of Dylan right now. Chanting, it over and over again, I gain the strength to open my eyes and get out the car after turning it off.

I buy a red rose and head towards Marc's grave in the peace of the graveyard. Only boots making noise with every step I take and the wind whistling as they run through the bare branches of the tress. It seems quieter today, not the usual type. As I reach his grave, I place the rose near his headstone as I always do and sit down at his foot. But today, I say nothing nor do I write anything for him. As if I have no words for him but a lot to say at the same time.

I try hard to keep my mind blank. Not sure if the tears that start flowing are of pain or frustration. I just stay silent and keep looking at his headstone, reading the inscriptions over and over. Occasional chills pass through my body. Goosebumps cover my hands.

After about ten minutes of sitting in the solace of the graveyard, I breathe out heavily and get up, wiping my eyes and the dust and dead leaves off my pants. I stand at the foot of Marc's grave and whisper gently, "I love you, Marc." I stop speaking before I realize I didn't say 'and only you'. I dont even say that after I realize. As if I can't pronounce those words.

I gulp and say, "Always have. Always will." That's all I manage to say. It feels to be heavier as I turn back around and head out. It's becoming more frustrating than anything. Knowing that there is something but not knowing what it is. It feels so painful to be torn between two situations. None of them I can avoid.

As I reach the car, I dont wait anymore before throwing the car into drive and speed towards the hospital. I'm already late, I dont want to make it worse.

                         ***********

"Brad?" He looks at me startled. He was at the window looking outside with a frown on his head when I came inside. Usually, when I come, he is in his cabin. "What are you doing here?" Why is he in my office? Did I miss any meeting or something? I can't be that irresponsible.

"You were late you so I thought I would wait for you, " he says distracted by something outside the window. He is trying to spot something for sure.

"What are you looking at?" I ask as I enter the room and keep my jacket on my desk.

"Huh?" He looks at me with a blank expression and shrugs, "nothing. Nothing. What took you so long?"

I walk around my desk and sit down on my chair, putting my elbows on my knees, "I stopped at the graveyard." I sigh heavily looking down.

Brad hurriedly sits on his knees and places his hand on mine and asks, "Hey what's wrong?" I look at his worry-filled eyes and consider how to bring it up. It is too messed up in my head already. I dont think I can explain anything to anyone before I sort it out. I bring my hand on my forehead and rubbing I say, "ah Nothing important. I'm just feeling a bit low."

"Is it your health? Are you okay?"

I let out a laugh at his anxious expression and say, "I'm fine. Really. I just wanted to visit Marc. What were you so hung up on?" I gesture toward the window and watch his expression grow all tense. Frowning I wait for his answer.

He stands up on his feet and looks down at me and asks, "is your husband tracking you or something?"

"What? Why would he do that?" I squeak. That sounds so ridiculous.

"Uhm..." He glances nervously out of the window and says, "I've noticed a black truck follow you for the past two weeks..."