AVERY

I slowly walk towards Marc. The noise of the dead leaves under my feet can be heard clearly in the silent graveyard. With every step, my heart gets heavier, knowing what I did. Every step is a step closer to my confession and I know that.

His headstone comes into view. There's a tree beside his grave that has shed its leaves on him. On reaching, I bend on my knees and gently remove the dried blades with my hand.

Ever since I started coming to visit Marc, it has become a compulsory thing for me to bring a red rose. He always said that 'a red rose is a symbol of love. It has thorns that hurt but it's still beautiful.' I gently place the rose near his headstone and put aside the previous dried one.

Putting my hands on my knees, I sit there silently for a while. My vision starts blurring out as tears make their presence. A soft breeze hits on my skin. I can feel my ears start heating up and turn red which happens when I am about to cry.

Not wasting any further time, I pull out the pad and pen from the box and start writing what I have to confess.

Dear Marc,

Before I say anything, just know that your Avery will always be yours.

I take a deep breath and tighten my grip on the pen.

Do you remember Dylan? The man I am married to? I have told him about you. It is the first time I have talked to anyone in these three years about you. I don't know what took over me. Maybe the fact that he is losing his mother. And who better than me can understand how it feels like to be losing someone you love.

I wanted to be there for him. I didn't want him to make the same mistakes I did. All those times I hurt myself physically and emotionally, I remember putting you down. But it was just the guilt, that will never leave me. I still sit back and wonder what it would've been like if we stayed in that night on our graduation day instead of going to the club. Just if I hadn't forced you...

A sob rises my throat as I hurriedly gulp it down. I cannot break down before I tell him everything.

...you would still be here.

I didn't want him to be making the same mistake of closing off. I wanted him to feel that he could share stuff with someone. That, someone, was ready to hold him. I don't know why I became so vulnerable in front of him, maybe because I wanted him to do the same but I feel terrible. I've never cried in front of anyone except you after my parents died. And I wanted that person to be only you.

When last night I was telling him about you, I couldn't hold back my tears. Just when I was about to leave, he...

I stop writing. I haven't thought about this before. Never did I realize this as well until now that Dylan is no more just a stranger to me. Or someone I can't stand. He is actually more than that... Maybe a friend?

I sigh heavily realizing just how much control I've lost on myself. Last night when Dylan pulled me into the hug, I didn't push him away, neither did I want to. I wanted to stay right there with his arms around me.

...told me that he is there for me. I guess that's what I needed to hear.

I dont write anything about my feelings last night. Even though Marc can't read it, writing it down in a piece of paper would close all the ways of ignoring these stuff.

This was all I had to say, Marc. I want you to know that just because I had a weak moment doesn't mean I've started breaking my promises. They still hold. I'm never gonna break any promise.

Can't wait to see you. Missing you. Love you, always have, always will.

Yours and only yours
Avy Girl.

I fold the paper and put it into the box along with the pad and the pen. I actually wanted to confess the way I felt last night but while writing down the letter, I just couldn't make myself ink down the words. Even if I know nothing is going to happen, still I can't get over the fact that I cried in front of Dylan.

Even all the times I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me while I sob, it was always Marc. I can't believe I've gone three years without being home. He always said that even when we walk in different ways, we will always come back to each other, like we always have. I'm just waiting for the time when I can go back home. Living without him is the hardest thing I had to do but he is going to be proud of me for that when I meet him, isn't he?

I sit on the dried leaves at the foot of the tree and lay my back against the bark. I rest my head on one side and look at the box. There's the word 'email' written on it in crooked handwriting. I wrote that when I was young.

The pink bow on the right corner of the box was from one of my stuffed animals. It got torn away from there, so I put it on his box. We had a rule of designing each other's box and the other one cannot remove anything or make any changes in that design. We and our crazy rules.

I chuckle softly and rub off the tear that leaked from my eyes. The box has many letters unread. After he left, for a whole year, I used to come here every day and blame him for leaving. The only place where I cried. No one let me alone during that time in the house. But they used to let me visit Marc alone. All the memories start coming back one by one. Right from the biggest fights, we had, to the smallest things we did for each other that meant a lot.

I've been sitting here for more than forty minutes now, lost in my mind, when I hear someone stepping on the dried leaves. Hurried steps. Someone is coming this way. With every second, the sound gets louder and clearer. My head is already tuned in the direction of the sound. That's when Dylan appears on the one end of this part. He is running, frantically looking everywhere until his eyes fall on me. He stops for a minute as if checking if it's really me, then runs in this direction.

On reaching beside me, he looks down at me, panting. I push myself up on my feet and ask, "what are you doing here?"

He says nothing, just clenches his jaw and looks away. I watch his adam's apple bob. His whole face is red, ears, nose, cheeks, lips, everything. And he doesn't look calm...at all. I just wait until he turns around, fixes his hard glare on me and says, "you think you can do anything you want, don't you?"