chapter 16: gone

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Sebastian

Two weeks had passed since I told Rose about Violet. The last time I saw her, she was shutting the door behind me with a promising smile on her lips. One that now went unkept.

Everyday, I tried to convince myself her sudden distance had nothing to do with the secret I had confessed to her. That my mind in all its fucked up glory wasn't what pushed her away. I told myself that maybe she had her own reasons, one that revolved around the secret she kept hidden.

But no matter what new excuse I fed myself, it never worked. She thought I was messed up, too, and the worst part was that I couldn't blame her. Who spends two years talking to their dead girlfriend? 

I shut my eyes against the hot water pouring down from the shower head. After spending years completely alone while guests came and went but never became anything more than that, I had finally found someone whose company I enjoyed and managed to scare her off with my own instability within a few weeks.

What is wrong with me?

The nozzle groaned as I shut the water off, standing in the tub as the cold air filtered in through the edges of the curtain.

I shouldn't have told her.

It was too late now. I shook my head and pulled back the curtain, nearly falling out of the tub face first when I spotted Violet leaning casually against the vanity, her eyes trained below my waist.

She smirked. "Now that is something I definitely do miss."

"Violet," I groaned, quickly grabbing a towel off the hook on the door and wrapping it around my waist. "What are you doing here?"

"Aside from wishing I was alive so I could touch you again?" She took a step towards me as I took a step back. Her eyebrows lifted in a challenge.

I stepped around her and opened the drawer to the vanity, pulling out a comb and running it through my hair.

"You need a hair cut," Violet chirped from beside me. I stared at her in the mirror, her face was beaming in a large smile.

"My hair's fine," I huffed, pretending it didn't drive me crazy every damn day.

"Suit yourself." Violet sat on the edge of the tub, her hands planted under her thighs as she watched me. The steam from the shower caused her short, pixie-cut blond hair to cling to her skin.

She's not real, I had to remind myself.

She rolled her eyes. "What? Am I interrupting your solo pity party? Should I leave so you can go back to sulking?"

I averted my gaze from hers and tugged the towel tighter against my waist. "I'm not sulking. I'm showering."

Violet pointed a finger at me. "You're sulking in the shower, Sebastian."

I ignored her as I ran my hand over the mirror as the heat from the shower made it fog up. Violet, completely oblivious, continued to offer her two-cents.

"You told Rose your secret and now she wants nothing to do with you." I turned around quickly, my eyebrows shooting upwards in surprise. How did she — "I like to eavesdrop," Violet explained, shrugging. Slowly, her face softened as her gaze dropped to her lap.

I didn't have to ask what she was thinking about. The betrayal was written all over her face.

"It's been two years, Vi," I said softly.

"I know."

"It was just a kiss." With that, her narrowed eyes shot up to mine.

"Your first kiss since I died, Sebastian," Violet stressed. "That wasn't just a kiss."

I had tried to avoid thinking about how I kissed Rose before she pushed me off of her. My face heated up in embarrassment every time that moment found its way back into my mind. I knew I shouldn't have kissed her, that it was a weak attempt to forget Violet, but that didn't stop my subtle desire for it to happen again.

I could still see the regret that filled Rose's eyes that night and I knew the kiss meant nothing to her. She probably pitted me, thinking it was the product of my two-year long loneliness. But that didn't change what it meant to me — that it was the first time in two years my heart had ached with something other than sadness.

I ran my hands through my wet hair, water droplets trailing down my face. "That's all it was to Rose," I said quickly, awkwardly clearing my throat.

"And what about what it meant to you?" Violet stared up at me, an impatient sadness in her eyes, as she waited for me to respond.

I sighed. "I don't know, Violet."

"You've hidden yourself here for two years, Sebastian," she stressed. "We talk everyday but I know you crave affection. Physical affection." She stood up slowly and took a step towards me. "Did you like kissing her?"

I didn't answer.

"Do you want to kiss her again?" she continued.

I remained silent.

"Did it feel like kissing me?" she whispered.

I closed my eyes.

"Do you want to sleep with her, Sebastian?"

"Stop," I finally answered, glaring at Violet. Her eyes swam with tears as they slowly dripped down her cheeks. My heart softened and I reached for her but my hands only touched air.

An uneasy silence lingered between us and I buried my head in my hands. How had I ended up here? How had I gone from being in love with Violet to the two of us destroying each other after cancer destroyed her?

"You should go," I whispered, rubbing my eyes with the back of my palm.

"Go where, Sebastian?" Violet asked, slapping her palms on her thighs. "I'm here because of you. It's your mind that brought me here."

I shook my head as anger rose in my chest. Violet was watching me, her eyes wide with a sadness that broke my heart.

I pressed my mouth into a thin line and looked away before I caved. "You can't be here anymore. We can't keep doing this," I told her, gesturing between the two of us.

"What?" she whispered in disbelief.

I turned to her fully and resisted the urge to reach out and touch her. "This isn't normal, Vi. I can't live like this anymore," I pleaded, begging for her to understand. "I need to move on and I can't do that while you're still in my head."

In a flash, the sad, vulnerable girl sitting in front of me was gone. The pain on Violet's face was replaced by disgust. Her nostrils were flared with anger as she glared at me. "Just say it," she spat, her arms crossed tightly over her chest.

I took a step backwards. 

"Say it, Sebastian," she demanded, her eyes narrowing with every passing second. When I didn't speak, she screamed loud enough to make me wince. "Say it!"

Her face was red as tears streamed down her cheeks, her mouth curved downwards into a frown. I quickly looked at the floor between us, unable to meet her gaze.

"I'm not in love with you anymore, Violet." I said the words so low I barely heard them myself. When I forced my eyes to return to hers, she looked broken.

Defeated.

Empty.

Her bottom lip quivered as she nodded over and over again, unable to stop that or the tears streaming down her face in an endless downpour.

"I'll always love you, Vi," I reassured her desperately. "But I'm not in love with you." Her head continued to shake, tears flowing, but no response. I quickly walked towards her, my hands hovering over her cheeks. I wished I could touch her. "Please, Violet," I begged. "Please understand."

But her head continued to shake as the sound of her crying filled the bathroom. I closed my eyes when they began to burn with tears, hoping that none of this was real. I took a deep breath to steady my heart and, when I opened my eyes a moment later, she was gone.

"Violet?" I called, turning around frantically and searching the bathroom. "Vi?" I pulled back the shower curtain and stared into the empty tub. My heart beat quickened as I began  to panic.

I tugged open the bathroom door and ran into the hall. "Violet!" I stood for a moment, the complete silence settling uneasily around me. I took a step backwards until my back hit the wall and I sunk to the floor, the realization of what I just did hitting me fully.

I pushed her away completely.

She was gone.

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wow, two updates in one week? it's a christmas miracle. hope you guys liked this chapter! do you feel bad for Violet at all or do you just want her out of the picture completely? comment and let me know! until next time xo

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