Chapter 22: Daan

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With Noa's train running fifteen minutes later than announced, I twisted the bezel on my watch, and anxiously glanced down the empty track before taking a step back from the platform. For such a busy station, it was surprising to see so few trains running on a Saturday evening.

I paced up and down and wiped the corners of my mouth between my thumb and index finger. Acid reflux lodged behind my sternum and my gut felt heavy. What if she wasn't coming?

It was ridiculous to harbour these feelings of doubt when everything was going so well lately, but when alone, I reverted back to that little boy who waited for his stepfather to come home and tell him he had a new sister. Instead, that little boy got lost in a sea of black.

The only man he knew as a father until then couldn't look him in the eyes. He heard a baby crying but he never got to see her. And his mother... his mother wouldn't be coming home to tuck him in at night.

The train stopped and the crowd swarmed the platform. I could almost see that little boy standing in front of me, jostled by mourners in their long, black coats. They couldn't see him. He's so small. But I was starting to see him everywhere lately.

"You didn't have to wait for me." Noa slipped her arms around my waist and pushed up onto her toes to press a soft, lingering kiss at the edge of my mouth. "I told you I'd get a taxi to your place."

My jaw relaxed and it became easier to breathe. "Nonsense. I wanted to pick you up."

"Are you okay?" Her eyebrows drew together and I hated that for even a second I was thinking of anything else but her visit. Worse, that she'd caught on to my shift in mood so quickly.

"I am now you're here." I grabbed her bag, slinging it over my shoulder, and pulled her into my side so the impatient travellers didn't knock into her. The urge to protect her was almost overwhelming. "What do you want to do first? Dinner? There's a lovely Italian place just across the road."

She smiled and snuggled her head against my chest. "I really want to see where you live."

I was hoping for that answer. "Food in?"

"Food in."

After making our way through the platform gates and across King's Cross station, I guided Noa to the row of black cabs waiting outside. The underground would be packed this late in the day, and I just wanted us back at mine as quickly as possible.

A strange sensation weighed on my chest. Like something was about to happen. Something out of my control.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I chose to ignore it, helping Noa into our cab and placed her bag into the boot. I peered through the gap over the parcel shelf, at the side of Noa's face, her mouth slightly parted while she took in the bustling street opposite us.

She's here now. Stop worrying.

The phone in my pocket vibrated again and I took a deep breath before sliding in beside Noa.

"Aren't you going to check who that is?" she asked, shuffling herself around and resting her head against the seat.

Muscles in my neck tightened and unease surrounded my answer. "It's probably a spam caller. I'll check later." The waver in my voice gave away that I didn't even believe my reply but she didn't question it. Simply nodded and covered my hand with hers.

"What did you do today?"

"Cleaned my apartment, did a food shop, watched the clock. Boring, really? How was work?"

"It really dragged. We were busy but I couldn't wait for it to end." She smiled and I forgot all about the unsettling foreboding in my bones.

Noa led the way into my apartment, her arm behind her, holding onto my hand at the small of her back. Warmth permeated the room with each of her steps into the stark space. My space.

This place, which was used only to rest and eat when I wasn't at work or visiting my grandmother, felt calming with Noa in it. The chaos in my mind ebbed away just enough so I could hear my own pulse and not my unwanted thoughts. And I loved everything about it.

I dropped her bag near the front door after I closed it. "Thank you."

"What for?"

"For coming here to see me." I stopped her from taking another step and squeezed her waist between my restless hands. "I needed this tonight." My mouth was on hers before she could answer.

Lazy lips searched for reassurance, for the need to quell the tension in my body. Noa sighed, her palms pressed against my chest, and her fingers fussed over the buttons on my shirt.

That familiar vibration hummed against my thigh and we both paused only long enough to catch our breaths. My grip tightened around her middle and our mouths returned to their wandering while I backed her into my bedroom. She hitched up her dress so I could work her underwear down her legs. My shirt was gaping wide, my jeans were unbuttoned and Noa traced her fingertips down my stomach, into the waistband of my boxers.

And then that bloody phone rang again.

"Right, you really need to answer that call so they don't interrupt us again," she said, her voice husky with lust.

Reluctantly, I swiped the answer button without looking at the caller ID. "What?" The room spun and my eyes blurred when my brother-in-law spoke.

"It's time, Danny." He sounded excited but the pain I'd been carrying in my gut all day flared with a vengeance.

"Shit, where are you? I'll be there as soon as I can."

"What happened?" Noa's eyes went round. She looked so confused and I couldn't blame her when I was pacing my bedroom like a crazed madman. "Daan, what is it? Can I help in any way?"

I ran my hand over my face and took a few seconds to let it all sink in. "My sister's having the baby."

"That's great news, right? How's it going? She was due soon."

Great news. I hoped so. But I was so scared of history repeating itself I couldn't focus on the joy that usually surrounded a new arrival.

"She was. Overdue even." So was my mother. The thought terrified me. There were too many similarities. What if this was a horrible case of history repeating itself? I couldn't lose Anika as well.

"That's okay. Lots of babies are overdue. I was an overdue baby. Why do you look so worried?" She smoothed her dress down and tucked her hair behind her ears.

"You'll probably think I'm being daft." I sat down on my bed and gripped the edge of my mattress.

Noa ran her hand through my hair and shook her head when I looked up. "Never."

"My mum—our mum." The words were a struggle to get out. "She died while giving birth to Anika."

***

Anika moving to London last year was a blessing. Had she stayed in the Netherlands, I'd be going out of my mind right now. More so than I already was.

I squinted against the hospital lighting and tapped on the glass of the vending machine outside the maternity ward. Only my brother-in-law was allowed inside. Maybe my mother if she was here.

Had anyone called her dad to tell him we were about to welcome a new family member? Or was Anika's husband leaving that up to me? I hadn't spoken to him in years. Not since I questioned his love for my mother. How could you truly love someone if you couldn't stay true to your vows? The vows you made to love her son regardless of what happened to her.

Because when his daughter took her first breath, his wife—my mother—took one of her last. And then he sent me away from my last link to her.

"I hate the smell of hospitals." Noa rested her head against my back and sighed.

"Something about the antiseptic they use."

"Yeah. Like it's—"

"Just covering up death and fear." I pushed my coins into the machine and pressed the code for a random chocolate bar. I wasn't even hungry.

I handed it to Noa and walked back to the waiting area in the middle of the wide hallway. She sliced the foil wrapper with her nail and broke it in half. Half for me, half for her.

"Maybe. I've never been able to put my finger on it but it always makes me feel dirty when I leave."

My half of the chocolate bar tasted like stale cardboard. I picked up my lukewarm cup of coffee and swigged half of it back. Even that tasted shit. "It's been hours. Think something happened?"

Noa squeezed my thigh. "I'm sure it's all fine." She patted my leg and when I looked at her, she lifted her chin towards the maternity ward's doors.

My brother-in-law strolled over, hands in his pockets, with the biggest smile on his face. "Ready to meet your niece?"

Nerves hammered through my veins and I couldn't get a verbal confirmation out, so simply nodded. I reached for the hand Noa offered me and followed the new father back to the doors he'd exited only moments ago.

"I'll stay here." Noa's voice at my shoulder jolted me back.

"No, come with me. Please." I felt uncharacteristically anxious seeing the baby on my own.

"Have your moment with your family. Your sister won't want a stranger in there when she's just given birth."

"Don't leave while I'm in there, okay?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be waiting right here for you."

The background noise of the hospital faded away and I pressed my lips to hers. "Thank you."

Maybe it was then I realised I loved Noa. Maybe it was when we shared a moment of vulnerability back at hers. Maybe I'd always loved her.

My sister sat in a hospital bed with her husband standing beside her, and the smallest bundle of blankets in her arms. The look on her face was one of awe and pure love.

"How are you feeling? Did the doctor check you over properly?" My nerves wouldn't calm until I was sure she was going to be coming home after all this.

"We are both healthy. Come see her, Danny. She's so beautiful."

I leant over them and before I could even lay my eyes on my niece, Anika placed her into my arms. My body took over and I held her like it was the most natural thing in the world even if thoughts she might break flitted into my mind.

Little white spots dotted her cheeks and nose, and her eyes were puffy but Anika was right, she was beautiful. Probably the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen and my love for her was instant.

"We were thinking of naming her Maggie, after mum. Only if that's okay with you."

I did a double take of my grinning sister. The skin around my mouth felt so tight from my wide smile. "She would have loved that," I said softly. My blurry gaze returned to my precious little niece. "Hello, Maggie."

"Please don't cry, Danny. It's going to set me off again."

"Happy tears. Promise." I briefly closed my eyes and let the relief settle where my apprehension usually lived. I finally felt lighter after weeks of fear building up.

Maggie let out a tiny groan while she slept in my arms and that was enough to set us all laughing through our tears.

They were okay. Everything was going to be okay.


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