Twenty Five

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CANDY, popcorn, and margaritas surround me as I sit in the living room of my apartment and spill every detail of my night with Preston to my best friends.

It's been a week since lust night and it's taken me those seven days to fully wrap my head around what transpired between Preston and myself. To finally break it all down and understand the emotions that are so deeply entangled between us, and even then I'm still so utterly and deeply fucking confused.

After I walked out of the room leaving him behind, and my necklace, I grabbed my coat and left the party. I wasn't going to ruin my friend's night because of my own downfall. My own mistakes. My own stupidity.

Annabelle was talking to her crush and looking happier than ever, and Elizabeth had disappeared, but the party was reaching new heights of wildness the later the night wore on. People were naked. Drugs were being crushed and snorted. Moans echoed from every inch of the apartment and it took every piece of me to not crack under the weight of what was surrounding me. To not shed a tear as emotions overwhelmed me, and reminded me of what I had for just a few minutes in a dark room, as I escaped the party feeling like a complete fool.

I grabbed an Uber home and immediately showered because I needed the smell of him off of me. It was suffocating. It was intoxicating. I had to wash him away once and for all.

But he didn't leave after the shower. He continued to linger in the ache between my legs. He lingered in the hickey on my neck that blossomed and turned darker as the days passed. He lingered in the bite mark on my thigh that turned purple.

He lingered. But I tried to make sure he wouldn't last.

And since that night he's listened to my request. He hasn't reached out to me. He hasn't found me and attempted to get close. I haven't even seen him on campus.

He's staying away, and it hurts more than it should but I don't let the pain fester and overtake me. Instead I shove it down so deep that I'm able to push forward day by day. I'm able to focus on classes. On myself.

But I also find myself retreating. Avoiding my friends in attempts to pretend that night never happened. That I wasn't rattled to my bone by the feelings he released from the depths of my soul.

Preston's words he whispered to me that night are still etched into my mind, but also his lack of words when I truly needed them the most are now painfully carved into my heart.

They are there. No matter what I do. But I continue to pretend I don't feel anything and move on. I make myself turn cold so the memory of his heat doesn't burn so much.

But not tonight though. Tonight I let myself feel, but only a little, and share everything because I can't hide from them anymore. They are my friends. My very best friends. The women who love me no matter what, and they don't deserve my cold demeanor and constant avoidance.

Maybe at the beginning of the school year I would've been okay with that and I know they still would've loved me despite my many flaws. But something's changed within me these past few months. I've changed. I'm different. And I'll always have these flaws but I can also work through them with the people I know will love me unconditionally.

And that's Annabelle and Elizabeth.

"So it's over?" my roommate asks with a handful of gummy worms in her hands and eyes locked in on me.

Both Annabelle and her cousin have been quiet for the past half hour as I tell them everything. They've been extremely attentive, hanging on to every word, as I try to not crack straight down the middle from reliving the night.

And even though they are silent, I can feel their support from their quiet and kind smiles. I hold onto them as I let my mouth take over and spill every detail and keep my heart in the dark from the pain that aches to cut even deeper.

I nod slowly as my throat constricts. "There never really was an us to begin with, so there's nothing to be really be over, but yeah I guess we are. I know I'm done," I divulge as my chest tightens in revolt to my words.

Elizabeth, who sits next to me on the couch, shifts to fill up all of our glasses with more freshly made margaritas. "I have to ask..." she trails before her teeth worry over her bottom lip.

I let out a sigh knowing this question was coming. "Yes, he was Liz," I answer her, before she can even ask.

Her eyebrows scrunch together. "How do you know what I'm going to ask?"

"You were going to ask if he was great. In bed," I clarify. "Am I right?" I question with a tilt of my head.

"Actually Miss Know-It-All I was going to ask if you're sure you don't want to talk to him again?" she pushes sassily before she takes a sip of her drink. "And then I was going to ask how he was in bed," she adds coyly.

I shake my head as laughter bubbles up from my chest. "I know you too well."

"And you love me for it," she counters with a playful wink.

"I do. I love you," I confirm letting the pressure of the moment fall away and embrace the never ending support of my two loving friends.

"But seriously I need more details of how life changing the sex was cause I just know it was," she tells me with a pointed look.

"Liz!" Annabelle chides. "You don't have to answer that James. But are you sure you don't want to talk to him?" she asks gently, repeating her cousin's question.

I take a deep breath to steady my heartbeat. "We did talk, and he had nothing to say. So no, I don't want to talk to him again," I reply, ignoring the dull bite of pain that wants to push through and turn sharp and deadly.

"And the sex?" Elizabeth pushes softly.

I decide to play along, but on my terms. "How about you tell me about you and Everett first?" I counter with a smirk splashed across my face.

Annabelle claps her hands together. "Ooh, yes! Please do tell," she agrees eagerly.

"And you share about you and Mr. Frat boy," I counter. If I share, we all share.

"First of all his name is Griffin and he's really nice okay," she tells us with soft but bright eyes. The kind of eyes that only shine like that when you are head over heels in love. "And we just kissed for your information. He was a complete gentleman."

Elizabeth's nose scrunches at her words. "At lust night? Lame," she balks and her cousin throws a few of her gummy worms at her with a playful glare.

"And what about you?" Annabelle asks before lifting up her drink to take a long sip.

Elizabeth falls back into the couch with a huff. "We made out, that's all. He got distracted by the orgy in the living room and then...well you know what happened next."

And we do. Everett Kingston ended his night with a threesome, and one of the women filmed the entire thing. It's been passed all over campus over the past week and I won't lie and say I didn't watch a few minutes. And the rumors are right. Everett is dirty and uninhibited and from the looks of the girl's reactions very, very good.

Two sets of eyes then turn to me. Waiting and impatient for me to tell my truth now.

I roll my eyes, but I don't hide. If they can share so can I. "Stupidly amazing. The kind of amazing that it kind of pissed me off after about how good it was," I admit before I gulp down the rest of my drink to try and not let the memories of the good few moments of mindblowing sex wash away the aftermath.

"I can fight him for you," Elizabeth offers in all seriousness, and it brings a small smile to my lips.

"She can," her cousin speaks up for her. "I've seen her take down a girl with only her heel before. It was wild."

I giggle at the image of her in a bar fight and using her red bottoms to defend herself or a loved one. She really is the best friend anyone could ask for

Suddenly a loud knock sounds from the front door. We all pause and look at the door in confusion. We aren't expecting anyone, so who could it be?

Annabelle stands from the armchair and makes her way over to the door, and from the way her entire body turns to stone it's not someone she was expecting. My veins feel as if the blood in my body has been replaced by ice cold sludge, and fear pricks my skin at the memory of the flowers.

I hear her mumble something and then step aside to reveal truly the last person I expected at my apartment.

My brother.

His brown hair is damp from the constant dreary drizzle outside and his cheeks pink from the cold wind. His eyes land on me and I see relief flash through his green eyes, as if he's been worried about me. But what would he have to be worried about?

I stand up from the couch. "Aiden?" I question, startled at his presence in my apartment.

He steps through the doorway with his hands tucked into his pockets. "Can we talk? Privately," he emphasizes as he takes in my friends.

I nod hesitantly. "Sure. Let's go to my room," I suggest as I toss the fluffy blanket off of my legs and move towards it.

My friends shoot me curious looks and I just lift my shoulders in a quiet response unsure of what this is really about.

I've known Annabelle and Elizabeth for over two years, since freshman year, and they can probably count on one hand the amount of times they've had a conversation with my brother. So him showing up unannounced at my apartment is shocking to say the least.

I close the door behind us and I notice Aiden pause as he enters my room. It's his first time ever at my place and I can see him taking it in, trying to understand me from the room that is all my own. We barely talk, let alone hang out one on one. So my brother being in my space feels weird as we stand in uncomfortable silence.

I'm the first to break it. "Is everything okay?"

He turns to face me. "You skipped dinner at home, and I haven't seen you since King's," he tells me as he glances to the side to look at my wall of pictures. Pictures of me when I was younger with our parents. When they weren't so harsh. Of me and my brother when we were little and happy together. Pictures of me with my best friends. It's not much, but they are perfectly frozen moments in time. Pure and happy ones for me. "Did you have fun?"

I chew on the inside of my cheek, not sure how to answer his question. I texted my mother the day after lust night and made an excuse to not show up at home for our weekly dinner. I would deal with the fallout later, but I just couldn't handle being around my father after that night I had with Preston. There's only so many times one can be beaten down, and I needed the space from them.

But Aiden asking if I had fun makes me shift awkwardly on my feet. I did have fun, and because of that moment of fun I'm simmering in unbearable pain.

"It was okay. I left early," I tell him, dropping my gaze to my sock-covered feet.

"Good. Those parties aren't where you belong anyways."

My eyes narrow at his words. Because even if I want to believe that his words are coming from a place of caring support, which I don't, he doesn't have a say in where I go or who I talk to.

My arms cross over my chest. "Why are you even here Aiden?"

My brother reaches into the pocket of his wool peacoat and pulls out a square shaped box that I don't recognize.

"Here," he says as he extends his arm out to hand it to me.

The skin around my eyes crinkles, but I grab it from him and run my fingers over the expensive quality leather. "What is it?" I whisper inquisitively.

His next words steal my breath away all together. "Granddad's watch."

My mouth falls open and my eyes lift to his as stunned silence stretches between us. "What? Why?" I barely get the words out as the box begins to shake in my trembling hands.

The watch our father gave to him on his, our, birthday night in front of the entire town he's now handing to me. The watch our grandfather wore. The grandfather I'm named after. The watch he taught me how to tell time on.

Shocked tears line my eyes as I fight for the right words at this moment.

"I've been distant. I know that, and you don't deserve it. You never did. Plus it really should've gone to you in the first place. We both know that," he confesses, making my heart squeeze in my chest.

"Aiden..." I trail breathlessly. I don't know where this moment of clarity on his behalf came from, but I don't want to question it. I don't want to say too much in fear he reverts back to his old self and snaps the watch out of my hands.

I open the box to reveal the large gold face and brown leather strap that is perfectly worn. I can almost smell the cleaner our grandfather used to rub on the band. The gold hands tick perfectly in time and I turn it over to see the open back to reveal the gears moving. It's heavy and beautiful and everything I could ever want.

The cracks that split my chest open the night of our birthday slowly begin to close. Heal. Not perfectly, and not even all the way. But it's a start.

"It's nothing Jameson," he waves me off as if he doesn't want me to make a big fuss.

But I don't let him. "It's not nothing Aiden. Thank you," I express earnestly.

He then digs into his other pocket. "Also take this," he instructs as he moves to hand me another box. This one is skinnier and longer than the watch. I flicker my gaze to his in confusion. "It's from Preston."

The image of my necklace flashes in my mind and I shut the box in my hands with a firm snap. I then set it aside on my dresser before my fists clench at the mention of the last person I want to see right now.

How dare he try to use my brother to give me back the necklace I gave back. I walked away from. Just like I walked away from him.

Painful anger wants to rise violently from within me, but I force it down with a heavy breath. "No," I tell him adamantly as I take a step away as if the box can physically hurt me. "I know what it is and I don't want it."

Aiden's eyes regard me with deep confusion as he tucks the box back into his pocket. "What happened with you two?"

"None of your business," I bite at him and I don't mean for it to come off so harshly, but I can't stop the raging emotions from boiling outside of me.

My brother's face hardens at my reaction."I am trying here James."

I wince knowing I overreacted and he didn't deserve that. Especially after the beautiful gift he gave me. "He doesn't trust me," I tell him as my fingers wind anxiously in my dark hair before falling to my side.

He shakes his head. "Jameson, that's not it."

My jaw locks. "It is," I tell him forcefully. "Just like you don't trust me," I add, embarrassed by my broken and weak words.

He takes a step towards me. "We trust you, but we also care about you, and that's why we don't want you involved."

My eyes clench shut at his words. "Don't say that. Don't put words in his mouth," I tell him, hating the way my heart aches for those stupid words to be true. "And just so you know I'm already involved."

"What does that mean?" he asks, his words coming out rushed and laced with alarm.

There's no point in hiding the truth anymore. It's not benefiting me, and maybe this will slap them into telling me the truth I've been so desperate to find.

I walk past him over to my vanity and yank open the drawer to pull out the note attached to the charred flowers I received over a week ago. The note still haunts me, along with the creepy phone call, and smoking match. So many little ways I've been slowly dragged into the mess everyone is so keen on keeping me away from.

I hand it to my brother who's eyes widen and his expression turns cold as he reads the three sentences that still chill me to the bone.

He lifts his gaze to mine and I see regret flicker in his eyes. "Fuck. I'm so sorry."

And then he runs out of my apartment.


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