The room began to spin. The floor tilted. For a few seconds, all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears; my mom's lips were moving, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I had to fight down the childish impulse to jump up and run to my room. What use would it be? They knew, my parents knew about Hunter and there was nothing I could do to make them forget about it.

There was this feeling again, the same that had overcome me the day the video had been passed around my school; the feeling of vulnerability, being exposed, not being able to take the big secret back. The feeling of not being ready to face the consequences of having the truth out in the open.

My father's hand on my shoulder, shaking me, snapped me out of my daze. "Julian, answer when we speak to you," he demanded, his face turning red as his anger grew. "Where was this filmed and why the hell were you letting Hunter Adams kiss your cheek?"

I gulped, staring down at my hands. The words seemed to burn like acid in my throat as I spoke them out aloud. "It was filmed in a gay bar. And I let him because I..." I swallowed against the lump in my throat. "Because I like him."

Everything was silent for a moment, even Maya had stopped babbling and looked up at me with wide eyes. She was good at picking up on the mood in the room and looked accordingly troubled.

When I looked up I saw that my dad was staring down at me in shock. There was a vein on his forehead that was pulsing rapidly.

My mom looked like she was about to burst into tears as she now got up and walked over to where my father was standing, positioning herself next to him. Her voice was thin and obnoxiously high-pitched when she said: "What do you mean, you like him? Surely not like that, right?"

I clenched my teeth, directing my stare at the floorboards again, feeling like I might throw up any second if they kept looking at me like that.

"Are the bruises on your neck from him?" my father asked sharply.

I put a protecting hand over the side of my neck, but nodded.

"But what about Emily?" mom asked.

"I broke up with her a few weeks ago. Mom, please-"

Before I could finish my sentence, I got cut off by dad. "You only speak when we ask you to, you understand me? After all that you've done, the least you can do is being respectful."

My head snapped up at that, anger slowly seeping through the mess in my head. "What are you talking about? I didn't even do anything!"

"You broke up with your girlfriend without telling us, only to let some obscure little faggot harass you in a gay bar!" my father yelled.

Next to me, Maya winced as he raised his voice and immediately went to hide behind my mom. She had experienced enough of dad's temper tantrums to know when it was best to stay away from him.

Unfortunately, I wasn't that smart. Clenching my hands into fists to stop them from shaking, I leaped to my feet. "Don't call him that," I hissed, looking my father in the eye for the first time since I had come home. The blatant hatred in them sent a shiver down my spine. "And he didn't harass me. That's what I wanted."

"No, you didn't," dad screamed, stepping forward to grip a fistful of my shirt. I gasped when he nearly pulled me off my feet. "My son is not gay!"

As soon as he spoke the words, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. But somehow I managed to keep my chin up high and said: "Well, apparently he is."

Even before I had said that sentence, I knew it was a mistake. When my father started raising his hand, this only got confirmed.

I shut my eyes, preparing myself for the impact of his blow, but it never came. When I blinked up at him, I saw that my mom had a hand on his shoulder and was muttering to him in a low voice. I was surprised when I made out that she was asking him to let go of me.

Finally, my father pulled his hand back and asked, voice dripping with disgust: "For how long has this been going on?"

"A few weeks," I muttered.

"And why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I knew you would react like this! This is exactly what I've been scared of."

Dad snorted. "Then why did you go out with him, if you knew we wouldn't be happy with it?"

"Because I don't care if it makes you happy or not," I said quietly. "This isn't a decision I made to... annoy you or make you upset. This is who I am."

Mom made a choked noise and I could see that she was fighting with tears. An angry small voice in my head was asking why she was the one crying.

My father's face had turned an alarming shade of red. His voice was loud enough to make Maya start sobbing quietly. "Jules, go to your room. Now."

I gaped at him incredulously. Why was he talking to me like I was a child that had broken a vase or something? "Dad, please, listen to me-" I began, not wanting to drop the subject just like this. There were a million things I needed to say, but they wouldn't let me explain any of it.

"Jules, go," mom interrupted, tightly clutching Maya in her arms. "Before your dad does something that he'll regret later."

"Oh, would he?" I asked, fighting against the tears that were already stinging in my eyes. Before they could flow over and give my weakness away, I turned around and stormed out of the room and up the stairs.

Once I was in my room and sitting on my bed, I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to go back downstairs and yell at them, beg them for their understanding and apologize at the same time, while the rest of me wanted to stay in my room and never face my parents again.

Both weren't really an option, so in the end I just flopped onto my back and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. What happened felt surreal, not like I had been the one experiencing it. It was exactly like I had pictured it all the times I had thought about coming out to them and decided against it.

The urge to cry faded slowly and left me feeling numb.

After a while, I pulled my mobile out. My stomach lurched when I saw that I had received three new messages from Hunter already. I couldn't muster the strength to look at them, so I just deleted the notifications and tossed my phone onto my bedside table.

It was absurd how quickly the tables had turned: one moment I was sitting with Hunter in the backseat of his car, completely happy and at ease, the next I had to justify myself for my sexuality in front of my parents. They hadn't even given me the opportunity to express myself, to argue back. Instead they had bombed me with insults and accusations, leaving me feeling dirty and like I had actually done something wrong.

When I had been with Hunter, it had felt right, better than anything else had in a long time. Maybe I could make them understand. But only thinking of the look on my dad's face was enough for me to understand that that would not happen.

I had been six when I had seen a gay couple in town for the first time. My mom had immediately grabbed my hand and dragged me away. I had asked her about it, wanting to know why two boys were kissing. She hadn't answered and only said that it was wrong.

At age eight, I had found out that my grandpa had been gay and that he had left his family when my dad was only twelve, to live with his new lover. My dad had grown to despise homosexuality, only knowing it for what had taken his father away from him.

Even though I knew all of this, I had somehow thought that if I came out to them, things would be different. I was their son, surely that was more important than anything else.

That this wasn't the case shouldn't have hurt so much since I had known their stand from the beginning. But it did. It felt like a stab in the back, like I was choking. Like I had disappointed them in the worst way possible.

I knew that I couldn't change anything about it and that it was stupid to let them make me feel this way. Still, after hours of blindly staring at the ceiling, I cried myself to sleep that night.

+++

When I woke up the next morning, I was too drowsy to remember yesterday's events for precious five minutes. Then the memories came back, rolling over me like an avalanche, and the pressure on my chest returned.

Deciding that I wanted to spend as little time at home as possible, I rushed into the bathroom and showered in record time, then quickly put on some random clothes I found scattered around the room. Today I didn't even bother to cover up the hickeys that were still evident on my neck. My parents had already seen them and in my hazy state of mind I didn't really care what people at my school would think.

Then I slipped my phone in my pocket, not responding to Hunter's good morning text, and pondered if I should go into the kitchen where my parents were or not. I decided to go for it, simply because I couldn't go to first period without eating anything and also because hiding from them seemed stupid. Sooner or later I would have to face them anyway.

My parents fell silent as soon as I entered the room, my mom even dropping her teaspoon. I winced as it hit the saucer with a loud clatter. Maya was chewing on a slice of toast in silence, but waved at me with one hand, sending crumbles flying all over the table.

I didn't say anything as I crossed the room, only ruffled her hair in passing and took a banana and a yoghurt from the fridge. Their eyes followed my every move, as if they were waiting for me to do something outrageous. I wasn't quite sure what they were expecting... for me to throw up rainbows? Turn into a drag queen in front of their eyes?

By the time I turned around to escape the kitchen and the tense silence, my hands were shaking slightly from the undivided attention that was directed at me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, but as I was just about to leave, my father suddenly rose to his feet and blocked my way.

Steeling myself for the worst, I came to a stop.

"Sit down," he commanded.

I knew that tone of his well enough to obey, but it didn't keep me from snorting quietly. Even though I sat down right on the opposite side of the table, my mom somehow managed not to look me in the eye. To make it easier for her, I looked down at my hands, not able to bear the devastated look on her face.

"So, Julian, your mother and I have come to a decision," my father said. He made no move to sit down, instead he put his hands on the back of his chair and stared down at me, probably to intimidate me with his alpha male-behaviour. "I think it's clear, even for you, that this abnormal life style you've apparently been leading without our knowledge needs to stop. We're positive that, if we prohibit it now before it can get out of hand, you can get back on the right path."

"And what's that? The right path?" I asked, unable to keep the challenging tone from my voice. "Just because it's right in your eyes, doesn't mean it's the right one for me."

Dad held tighter onto the chair, knuckles turning white. Without responding to my argument, he said: "From now on, any contact to Hunter Adams is forbidden. As is the contact to any other boy, for that matter... Except for Nate, maybe."

I was on my feet as soon as I heard Hunter's name. My jaw was set, my hands clenched to fists at my sides. Without even intending to, I had gotten myself into fighting stance. "You can't do that!"

He nodded with a self-satisfied smile. "Oh, I can. As long as you're living under my roof, you do what I tell you. You're not eighteen yet."

"And how are you going to keep me away from him?" I asked, fuming with rage by now. Every fiber of my being ached to slap that disgusting grin off his face. It was a terrifying feeling.

I was surprised, when my mother answered. Her head was still ducked, her eyes trained on her fidgeting hands, but her voice was clear as she spoke. "The girl who sent us the video, Victoria. We asked her to keep an eye out for you and tell us if you... misbehave."

My jaw dropped and all I could do was stare from my dad to my mom and back for a few seconds. Not only had she just confirmed my suspicion about Victoria, but she had outright admitted to setting her up to monitor me and report back to them.

I didn't even recognize my voice, cold and unforgiving as I asked: "You did what?" I looked back at my father. "You can't do that! She only wants to keep me away from Hunter!"

"She's the ideal person for this then, isn't she?" dad sneered. "If we hear from her, we'll think of a punishment for you. Do you understand me?"

I swallowed, trying to keep my cool. "This is insane."

"This is necessary. It's for the best," my mom said. The sad thing was, that she probably actually believed that.

"It might be the best for you, because that way you can just forget that I'm gay, so you don't have to be embarrassed about it. But I bet you couldn't care less about me in this situation. Being with Hunter, that was the best for me. And now you're taking that away from me," I said, nearly choking on the words. Even in my own ears, the words sounded overdramatic and childish, but I found no better way to put my feelings.

My father didn't even seem remotely guilty. Instead of answering he held his hand out. "Give me your phone."

"I... Why?"

"Give me your phone," he repeated, pronouncing every word carefully. "I don't want you to text or call him." When I didn't react he stepped closer. "Julian, you don't want to provoke me right now."

I gulped and handed him my phone. He took it and, to my horror, opened it by pressing the on/off button. Hunter's previous messages were still on the screen.

My father snorted and read the last one out loud: "Good morning, sunshine. Hey, do you think I should call you that from now on? Can't wait to see you later..."

I cringed at the way he read it. Hunter's words out of his mouth sounded completely wrong.

He looked down at me, disgust distorting his features. "So, this is how he talks to you? You let him stomp around on your masculinity like that?"

"What does that even mean?" I groaned, my fingers itching with the urge to reach out and rip my phone out of his grasp.

As if sensing what I wanted to do, he suddenly turned it off and slipped it into his back pocket. A new wave of helplessness crashed over me when I saw my last chance of communicating with Hunter disappearing. If I had still been a child, this would've been the moment when I would've stomped my foot and shouted that this wasn't fair. Instead I said, mustering the tiny bit of dignity I had left: "What if I need to call someone in case of an emergency?"

Dad pulled something out of his other pocket and pressed it into the palm of my hand. I looked down to see my mom's old mobile. For a second, I wanted to throw it to the ground and crush it under my foot, but even that wouldn't have helped me: it was a Nokia brick phone. I probably could've rolled over it with a tank and it still would've been perfectly intact.

"You will hand this over to us as soon as you come home every day. We will also check the incoming and outgoing messages and calls regularly to make sure you aren't contacting that boy." Just by looking at my father's face I could see how damn proud he was of himself for coming up with all of this. "We also expect you to come home right after school every day."

I gritted my teeth and pocketed the phone. Then I said soundlessly: "I have to go now. I'll be late for school."

My father nodded and squeezed my shoulder. I could feel myself tensing up under his touch and shook his hand off, almost tripping over my own two feet in my eagerness to leave.

The car drive to school consisted of holding back tears, nearly running a few red lights and trying to comprehend everything my father had just said. I usually really wasn't one to cry easily but the situation back there had grinded on my nerves and undermined my intention of not letting them get to me.

Being outed to the entire school obviously had been a shock and for the first two weeks it had felt horrible, but it was nothing compared to this. People had moved on to more interesting subjects rather quickly, especially since there were already a bunch of other openly gay students. Hunter had pretty much prepared the ground for anyone else; after he had publicly come out two years ago and dated boys and girls ever since, more and more people had had the courage to come out of the closet. It wasn't a rarity anymore, and my case had only been so interesting to them because it was Hunter who I was with. Now it simply wasn't a big deal anymore.

But this was bigger. My parents were homophobic and apparently determined to... Well, what were they actually trying to do? Forbid me to be gay? Make me forget about my feelings for Hunter by keeping me away from him?

God, just thinking about Hunter now made my breath hitch in my throat. He was probably already confused because I hadn't replied to any of his texts. What would he think if I started avoiding him at school now?

I had been so lost in thought that I hadn't even realized I had already arrived; in fact I had already been parked in front of the building for several minutes when a knock on my window nearly made me jump out of my skin.

Standing outside was Nate, grinning at me. I reluctantly got out of the car, locking it behind me. The cheery expression on his face faltered as soon as he got a good look at me. "Dude, what happened?"

"My parents," I said weakly. "They know."

Nate didn't ask any further, instead he suddenly pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. "Hey, it'll be okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Victoria sent them the video. They want her to tell them whenever she sees me with Hunter at school," I muttered. "They told me to stay away from Hunter or it'll have consequences."

"Fuck them," Nate said. "And fuck Victoria. I swear, if I get a hold of her I'll rip out every false lash and every extension one by one until she wishes she would've never touched your man."

I smiled faintly for the first time today. "I would actually pay to see that."

Nate let go of me, obviously relieved that he had managed to cheer me up at least a little. "If you ever wanna come over or spent a night at mine, you know you can."

"Thank you," I said, honestly touched by the offer. "But... isn't this weird for you? Not even a little?"

Nate had been awfully supportive and hadn't seemed to mind my sexuality even once. In fact, he hadn't even seemed to care at all and just carried on the way we had before.

Now he looked at me with a frown. "Are you stupid? Did you fall on your head or something?"

"I'm serious, if you're uncomfortable with that, you don't have to-"

"Jules, just because your parents are intolerant assholes, doesn't mean that everyone is like that," he groaned. Then, he suddenly smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Do you think I'm hot? Is it that?"

I grimaced and faked a shudder. "I'd rather sleep with a trash can than you."

"At least you noticed that there's a difference," he lightly said and pointed at the school entry. "So, are you done stalling and ready to go inside?"

"No," I said, but followed him up the stairs anyways.

As soon as I entered, I spotted Hunter standing by his locker. My heart dropped at the sight of him; he was still looking a little sleepy, with his hair tousled and hanging into his eyes. My