"Alright, what's actually up with you?" Nate asked, looking at me with warily narrowed eyes.

I cleared my throat and looked back at him over my cup of coffee. "Hm?"

When we had arrived at school this morning, we had been supposed to have Spanish, but the teacher was sick and the substitute hadn't shown up, so Nate and I had decided to go into town until third period started.

Now we were sitting at Starbucks; I was drinking Caramel Macchiato while Nate was stuffing his mouth with his third Triple Chocolate Muffin in a row. By now I was seriously worried he might get a sugar rush.

"You're brooding. You didn't really talk since we got here," he said, mouth still full of crumbles. "So, what is it? Tell me."

I shrugged and rested my chin in my hand. "You probably won't like it though."

The only reaction I got was an unimpressed eye roll and a flick of his fingers ordering me to go on.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to look calm before I said: "I'm going to break up with Emily. Like, today."

Nate nearly choked on his muffin. When he was done coughing, he just stared at me for so long that I started to shift uncomfortably in my seat. "For real?"

"Yes."

Nate was quiet for a few more minutes. Then he started nodding slowly. "Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, unsure what that reaction meant.

"Okay. I get that. I mean, it's not like I didn't see it coming," he said and toyed around with the cap of his bottle. "And I think it's a good decision. You are both my friends and it sucks to see you hurting just because you're too stubborn to admit to yourselves that this thing between you isn't what you thought it was, even though you both already know."

I nodded, partly relieved, partly surprised that he was completely fine with it. "I know. I'm just not sure if she does."

"She does," Nate said matter-of-factly. "Believe me. She's not stupid, she sees what's going on." He fell silent for a moment. "I only have one question: why now? What made you suddenly come to this decision?"

I stalled by sipping my coffee. Then I said softly, avoiding his eyes: "Hunter asked me on a date."

If Nate had looked shocked before, he looked a thousand times more perplexed now. "He did what?"

"Well, it's not exactly a date," I was quick to say. "He said I could also just see it as partying together. I mean, it's not a big thing, right? Going to a club together doesn't mean dating, does it?"

Nate closed his eyes. When he opened them and pointed a finger at me, his entire expression indicated that he was absolutely done with me. "Jules. We're talking about Hunter Adams here. Do you actually think he's doing this just for the hell of it?" My eyes widened as he leaned closer across the table. "Do you even know what this means? Hunter has never asked anyone on a date."

I scratched the back of my head nervously. "Okay, now you're just making this even scarier."

"What I'm trying to say is: I think he's being serious with this. He wouldn't try so hard if he just wanted you to be another Date of the Week or some shit. So maybe you should decide if you want to do that step, too."

"I already made that decision," I said. "Which is also one of the reasons why I'm breaking up with Em."

Nate studied my face for a moment before he leaned back in his chair, arms folded over his chest. "Okay... So do you like him?"

I don't know, to be honest. I don't even know what that means anymore. I thought I did when I got together with Emily, but I didn't. With Hunter everything seems...more and he makes me feel things I don't understand. As soon as I'm near him, nothing makes sense anymore."

Nate stared at me with a look that could almost be described as pitying. "You, Jules, have a crush."

"Hold up, who has a crush?" Nate and I both jumped as Red suddenly appeared at our table, one hand on her waist and sleeves rolled up to her elbows to reveal the tattoos on her arms.

"Oh my god, Jade!" Nate exclaimed and glared at her. "Where the hell are you coming from?"

"I work here," she said drily, gesturing towards her apron. "So, who has a crush? Jules, is it you?" Her eyes lit up with amusement as she saw me blushing. "Aw, would you look at that. Who is it? Do I know them?"

"Hunter Adams?" I said quietly and bit my bottom lip. Even though I wasn't completely sure if I liked him, I didn't mind telling her this. I trusted her one hundred percent.

Jade furrowed her brows while she tried to remember, then she suddenly snapped her fingers. "Oh, I know! It's that arrogant jerk with the leather jacket, right?" She didn't even wait for me to nod. "He comes here every once in a while. Always with someone else clinging to his neck, I might add...So you like guys?" She didn't sound too surprised.

I intently stared into my coffee, too embarrassed to look up at her. "I don't really know about that yet."

"But wait, don't you have a girlfriend?"

"That, uh, doesn't quite work out anymore."

"He's breaking up with her," Nate specified.

I rolled my eyes at him in return.

Jade looked thoughtful now. "Okay, so... is it serious between you and leather-jacket-jerk?"

"No," I quickly answered at the same time that Nate said: "Kind of."

"Not really," I objected. "Hunter isn't the type of guy to be in a relationship."

"He's also not the type of guy to ask someone on a date and make actual effort to win them over," Nate pointed out. "He does for you, Jules. He's going out of his way just to go on a simple date with you. I mean, have you ever seen Hunter getting all sensitive and affectionate? Because I sure as hell haven't before he got interested in you."

I frowned and took another sip of coffee. "Okay, so maybe he's treating me differently. But how do I know this isn't just because he wants what he can't have and as soon as I give in, he's not interested anymore?"

"You don't," Jade said. "Love's never that easy. It's a risk to let him in, but it's better than always wondering what would've happened if you did."

I nodded slowly. "Wow, Red. Who would've known you're that wise, huh? Any more advice to give?"

"Shut up, J," she said and took my now empty cup, but the grin she was trying to hold back betrayed her annoyed tone. "Come on, I'm making you another latte before you go." She stopped me with a wave of her hand as I reached for my wallet. "No, that's alright, it's on me."

My face lit up at that. "Sometimes I actually want to marry you."

She just laughed and walked towards the counter, motioning for us to follow her.

After I had another cup of coffee, Nate and I got on our way back to school.

Class went over as always, with the difference that I was nervous and on edge all throughout the day. In between periods I had sent Emily a message that told her to meet me at my car after school. She had replied within twenty seconds.

So naturally, I was especially anxious in the last period, which was Biology. Which meant I was sitting next to Hunter. Which meant that he was the one who got the most annoyed by my fidgeting.

"Jesus, can you calm down?" he said impatiently and put a hand on my knee to keep my feet from tapping on the ground incessantly.

I immediately stilled and looked down at my hands, which were doodling in the corners of my notepad. "Sorry."

From the corner of my eye I could see Hunter frowning slightly. Then he lifted his hand from my knee and muttered: "What is it?"

"Just stressed."

"Because of Emily?"

"Yeah. I still don't know how I can talk to her without hurting her."

"I don't think you can," he said carefully. "But perhaps you can make her understand."

I thought about it for a moment before I nodded slowly. After clearing my throat, I said: "Anyway. Tell me about something nice? I don't want to think about it right now."

Hunter's face lit up with a content little smile. "Sure, how about tomorrow night? I'll pick you up at eight. Wear something sexy."

I stared at him, not quite sure if he was serious or not. "Hunter, I don't know if you noticed, but my closet is seventy percent hoodies, twenty percent sweaters and maybe some shirts and flannels."

"You'll find something. Honestly, anything that at least defines the tiniest bit of your torso is enough."

"If you say so," I muttered and tried to hold back my laughter.

Before he could answer, the bell rung and people started to get up. Hunter quickly gathered his things and got to his feet. I had expected him to just walk off like he usually did, but instead he stepped closer and leaned in to whisper: "Good luck."

He was gone before I could even react, leaving me standing there in shock with the skin on my neck tingling where his breath had brushed it.

As I looked around to see that nearly everyone had left the class room already, I swung my bag over my shoulder and headed out of the building and onto the parking lot.

My heart leapt into my throat as I saw Emily already standing by my car and waving at me when she saw me walking up to her. "Hey!" she said and wrapped her arms around me.

I hugged her back reluctantly, feeling guiltier by the second. "Hey."

She took a step back and searched my face. "Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath and forced myself to smile at her. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm alright. So, uh...should we get going?"

Her face gave away that she wasn't convinced in the slightest, but eventually she shrugged and opened the door to the passenger seat. I got into the car after her and started the engine.

The palms of my hands were sweaty and shaking slightly when I put them to the steering wheel and I hoped she didn't notice it as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"So, where are we going?" Emily asked, breaking the awkward silence.

I hadn't actually thought about that; all I had planned was to drive somewhere where not many people were, so that we were in private. So I picked the very first place that came to my mind. "To the Deck?"

The Deck was an observation platform a bit far-off from town, from where you had a nice view over the landscape and the city. Not many people went there, so we wouldn't be disturbed.

Emily nodded contently and leaned back in her seat, propping her boots on the dashboard as she always did. I swallowed against the lump in my throat as I watched her. It was weird thinking we might not sit in this car like this ever again after today.

Emily had always been my best friend along with Nate and I knew her like the back of my hand. Hell, we had grown up together and looking at her, I could still remember how she had looked with pig tails and more tooth gaps than years of age.

She had never done anything wrong to deserve being lied to; I was the one who had made a mistake by getting myself into a relationship with her while not being fully sure I was in love with her. And I had made it even worse by not admitting that to myself.

The car ride passed in silence, but that wasn't unusual. Emily and I were used to being silent together. Usually it was comfortable, we were just dwelling on thoughts next to each other on her bed or in the car.

This time, however, the air between us seemed tense, so I was relieved when we arrived at our destination a few minutes later. We both got out of the car and got the blanket that was always in the trunk. Then we both sat down on it, close to the edge of the platform.

Beneath us was our hometown, illuminated in the golden light of the setting sun. The warm glow dipped Emily's hair in copper and made her eyes seem lighter than usual.

"So," she said and turned her head to face me, "What is it?"

For a second I was so, so close to just abort and pretend there was nothing important I had to say. But when I looked at her, I saw that she knew I needed to get something off my chest.

There was something about the look on her face and the way she was sitting, shoulders straight and hands folded in her lap, that reminded me of a boxer preparing to take a hit.

It took real effort for me to look her in the eye when I opened my mouth and quietly said: "Can you promise to listen to everything I'm about to say? I...I don't want you to leave right away before letting me explain."

She nodded slowly.

I took a deep, quivering breath, but my next words came out surprisingly composed. "I wasn't honest with you." I hesitated, waiting for Emily to interrupt and say something, but she didn't. "I wasn't honest when I kissed you, or when we had sex. I... I wasn't honest when I said I was in love with you, either."

Emily's face turned pale. I could see her swallowing hard, waiting for me to continue.

"But I will be honest now, before I can make everything even worse," I said softly. "Em, I am so sorry. I thought... You know, I thought I knew what love was and I thought I felt it with you. But I was wrong. I mistook affection for love and I'm the world's biggest fucking idiot for not realizing that earlier."

"Jules, what are you trying to say?" she asked. I could hear the tears she was desperately trying to hold back in her voice.

"I'm trying to say... that I want to break up."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I could never take them back. Nor could I do anything about the heartbroken look in Emily's eyes or the ache in my chest right now.

"And I know that the whole It's not you, it's me-thing sounds incredibly dumb," I said and fought against the lump in my throat. "But I want you to know this is all my fault. This is all because...I think I like, you know..." I took another deep breath. "I think I'm gay."

It was the first time I said this out loud, the first time I actually formed it into words. Nothing about it felt relieving or liberating. It felt like jumping out of a plane and realizing I didn't have a parachute.

My heart was beating as if I had just run a marathon while I waited for her to react.

"So I was right," she whispered, attempting to smile despite the tears that were shimmering in her eyes.

I shrugged helplessly and reached out to wipe the tears away, but before my fingertips reached her face, I quickly pulled back and dropped my hand. Touching her right now was probably not a good idea. "I'm sorry. I should've told you earlier, but I just didn't... I didn't know how. "

"Is it because of Hunter?" She didn't even sounding angry, just sad, and somehow that was even worse.

"Kind of," I admitted. "He sort of... changed things. He made them a hundred times more difficult and confusing and kind of... showed me something I didn't even think about earlier, and now I can't think about anything else."

I fell silent for a moment, just looking out at the sunset. It was absurd how beautiful the scenery was while I was feeling like everything around me was falling apart.

"I wish I could love you the way I thought I did, I really do," I said with my voice breaking. "But I can't. Em, you're my best friend. I don't wanna lose this."

She shook her head, wiping away the tears with her sleeve even though there were still more of them streaming down. "I know, Jules. I know that."

Without saying anything else, she got up and walked over to my car. I got to my feet, too, taking the blanket with me and unlocking the doors.

The ride back was a silent affair; neither of us talked, so the only sound was the rattling of the engine. Emily stopped crying after a few minutes, at least for now.

I dropped her off on the school's parking lot where her car was still parked.

"Will you be okay tonight?" I asked carefully as she climbed out of the car.

She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear with shaking fingers. "I'm fine. I just need space, okay? I need some time."

"Okay," I murmured, but the door had already fallen shut.