I was too sick to try escaping Gideon's warm arms. My stomach convulsing and pushing up the ounces of food I had eaten over the past three days. I was terribly hungry at the time but couldn't stomach the idea as I puked my guts up. The mere thought of food worsened my state. My throat bubbled up with bile before exploding onto the ground. My eyes blurry with tears as my nose and throat burned from the acid.

Gideon held my hair back whispering comfort in a gentle tone. Like food, I couldn't stomach the idea of Gideon trying to be nice to me. I couldn't find it in myself to trust him. Not after what he forced me to do. Yet hidden in the darkest part of my heart, a sinful desire slowly burns. I wanted him to do it again. I regretted not kissing him back. As if he would be hurt by it. As if it would help him heal. Such a horrible desire for my own selfishness. I wanted to use him just as he used me as some kind of sick revenge.

This only furthered my weak and sick state. Helpless against these sparks of sin shimmering in my bruised heart. I couldn't take much more of this. Either I would escape, die, or give in. I prayed it would never be the latter but even now it has become difficult to ignore.

Shiloh remained on the ground, barely breathing but breathing still. An ounce of relief sharps my heart only to have it sink as Adrien began to fuss with his throat. Adrien patted the side of his neck with a furrowed brow before looking up at Gideon with a worried look. Their words muffled in my ears but even then I knew they were talking in their language again.

I continued to throw up on my hands and knees, struggling to aim away from myself. The dry air hung around me in a heavy cloud causing the oxygen to stick in my stinging throat. I gagged on the last bits of my puke before dry heaving. My stomach twisting uncomfortably as it tried to force more bile up only to find nothing. I coughed violently as saliva dripped from my lips as snot hung from my nose. It wasn't a pretty sight.

I felt embarrassed, horrified, and oddly relieved.

Alexius was gone. But I knew that was far from over.

Though another emotion surprised me in all my hazy memories. Though the fear had developed for my survival remained, I felt it shift to another area of my situation. I didn't fear Alexius as much as I should have. I didn't fear the boys either. In fact, I felt rather relieved they were with me. Even if they were creepy as hell. No. My fear had shifted elsewhere causing a new paranoia. Something more terrifying than a physical monster.

Myself.

I could feel it. Something was changing inside of me and I was scared. I didn't want to admit it but I knew something was happening. A desire that wasn't there before. As if a seal was cracking with every hit my sanity takes. My sanity was slipping through my fingers again like dust and blowing far into the dry wind. It used to be solid. But this place smashed its edges with a hammer. It's leaving me.

My heart screamed for a lust I would have never thought of satisfying. It was horrifying and silenced me, scared to speak fearing I could act upon it.

Two thoughts began to form in the shadows of my mind where my sanity had slipped away.

To kiss Gideon.

And to kill anyone who got in my way.

Ironically, I was my own worst nightmare.

〰✷〰

I sit on the edge of the rounded couch, my legs shaking with fatigue half hunched over. My arms squeeze around my body offering little comfort to my unsettled stomach. My mouth tasting like acid and a thin liquid causing paranoia for another horrible wave of throwing up. The black blanket warms my shaking body acting as a shock blanket offering some comfort to my broken state.

Shiloh lays out on the rest of the couch, his arm hanging limply off the edge. His face slack of all expression. His lips parted, ink black hair splayed out around his head like messy locks still damp from the brief water fight he and Gideon had. His skin glistening with a layer of sweat making it sparkle. Gideon sits on the ground leaning on the table, watching Shiloh with sorrowful eyes. Gideon's golden eyes stripped of all fierceness leaving him vulnerable. He continues to sit vigil next to his dear friend, not bothering to look at anyone.

Adrien stomps down the stairs holding two steaming mugs with a thin blanket tied around his neck like a cape. His burning hair still disheveled from the recent fight, if we can really call it that. My mind suddenly recoils at the thought of grouping the boys in with me. We. I close my eyes with a long sigh trying my best not to think of anything. I am in desperate need of a break. Just a few moments of peace and quiet. If only I were so lucky.

"I made you some Spiced Valerian tea," Adrien announces as he reaches the bottom of the steps. He holds out the first mug allowing me to catch a whiff of the strong spices. "It helps with Shiloh's nightmares and helps him calm down," he continues, his voice suddenly softening at the mention of Shiloh. Adrien glances at Shiloh with a sad look, "On the contrary, Shy will need something strong to wake him up."

"What are you going to use?" Gideon asks, breaking his silence. He looks up at Adrien with a worried look, "Are you sure-?"

"Of course I'm sure," Adrien snaps at him, "if I weren't I'd still be in the kitchen."

Gideon reels from Adrien, his eyes still reflecting with hurt and traces of pain. The sight makes my heart collapse on itself. I take the hot mug from Adrien, sniffing it carefully before beginning to blow on the vapors. Adrien holds his stare before dropping his head with remorse. "Sorry," he mumbles before stepping around the low table. Gideon crawls away from his spot giving Adrien room.

The hot mug is beginning to burn my hands so I try setting it on my lap. My blank stare trained on the light brown liquid that contains no tea bag. Of course it doesn't. I take a deep breath praying my stomach has stopped trying to turn itself inside and I'm able to drink this without it coming back up. In other words, I feel miserable.

"You're oddly quiet," Gideon comments, his eyes landing on me. "Normally you're rushing for answers."

I drag my eyes from my mug to meet Gideon's. A painful clash of memories appears in my brain. His hands slick with blood, his crooked smile, and deranged happiness in his eyes. His lustful gaze shifting to his closed eyes and the feel of his lips on mine. His panicked state earlier. His caring gaze now. I don't know which Gideon is real anymore. How could someone be so... so? I don't know what he is anymore.

"Maybe answers are too painful," I answer lowly, "maybe I shouldn't ask anymore."

Gideon watches me reluctantly. "This is rather ironic," he answers slowly, "because this time I'm willing to answer you."

"You have to know everything now," Adrien comments spitefully. He brings to mug up to Shiloh's parted lips before scowling, "At this point, remaining ignorant will only hurt you and us. Like it or not, we're going to tell you everything." He begins to tip the mug into Shiloh's mouth holding up a small white towel to catch the drops. Adrien's face brought into stern concentration as he begins to force Shiloh to drink the tea.

"I don't want to know," I murmur under my breath, avoiding Gideon's leering gaze.

"Is this because of the hand?" Gideon blurts, having no ounce of decency to avoid that subject. "Because if it is then that can be fixed. His hand is fine, you know. Alexius' is known for having crazy abilities like regeneration. He'll be fine later," he explains bluntly before scowling. "It sucks for us but if that's what it takes for you to calm down-"

"It's not just about the hand!" I explode at him, my heart hitching with brief panic. I flash him a pleading look, "Just stop talking. I don't want to hear anymore 'answers'. Just stop."

"Told you," Adrien casts Gideon a snide look, "she only talks to Shy. I bet when he wakes up, she'll be all over him. Give it a rest, Gideon. Let her be ignorant if that's what she wants." Adrien tosses his head over his shoulder to shoot me a look. "It's not like she can do anything anyways."

Gideon clenches his jaw, anger burning in his eyes like a raging fire. "You don't know that," he hisses lowly, "you think you know everything but you don't."

Adrien doesn't answer. His attention returned to Shiloh, his back blocking my clear view. I lower my head in shame as horrible guilt washes over me.

I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean to cause so many fights. I never wanted any of this. If I just went back inside like Shiloh told me, he would still be awake and everything would be fine. If I left the bedroom earlier or even woke up a few minutes earlier I could have avoided Gideon's kiss. If I had just kept running from the house in the very beginning I would be with Mom. If only I had changed one thing, I wouldn't be here right now. I let so many things slide. I made so many mistakes. I fear that I can never return to my normal life. Nothing will be the same. No matter how much I try.

Gideon's hands curl together, squeezing hard, and turning his knuckles sheet white. His voice clipped with tension, "So. You're just going to sit there until Shiloh wakes up, right?"

I don't answer him. I'm too scared to answer him.

Adrien was right. I should have kept my mouth shut from the very beginning.

Gideon scoffs loudly before slamming his hand onto the table. The slam scares me from my silence and I wince expecting him to grab me. I lean back with my head bowed, my eyes already filling with tears filled with broken dreams and crumbling hopes. I can feel my heart already deteriorating. I can't do this anymore. I can't fight this. I can't continue walking on eggshells with these boys. Maybe it's just better to let it happen. Maybe there was no escape in the first place.

"Why are you acting like this?!" Gideon roars. "Stop that! Stop crying! Nothing hurt you! We just saved your life and all we get is silence?! I thought you were better than that! We could have let him take you but we didn't! You should be GRATEFUL!" Gideon stands up sharply, his voice shaking with rage. "All you ever do is complain and never thank us for anything! We could have left you to die! We could have let you run through the forest and die from the Sarin Trees or be ripped apart by the monsters lurking there!

"You are staying here, you eat our food, you do whatever and you haven't thanked us! And now, you're crying like a child! I told you everything about my life, everything! And you haven't the grace to tell me your story in return! You are so selfish! All you ever do is worry about yourself!" Gideon's voice drops into a low taunting tone. "Oh poor Eve. Poor, poor Eve. Everything just sucks for Eve, doesn't it?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US?!"

He stands over me with his hand raised by his head ready to hit me. I gasp for breath from the tears spilling from my eyes. My chest aching as my fragile heart cracks. My throat is tightening from my cries as I force myself to keep quiet. I can't look him in the eyes. What's more horrible than his yelling is what he's saying. He's right. All this time I've been so worried about my own safety while I ignored them completely. But everything in me wants to blame them. It's their fault I'm here. It's their fault I witnessed a murder. It's their fault, it's their fault, it's their fault and yet it's my fault as well. I am to blame for most of this as well.

I can't stomach the feeling that this is my fault. All my life, I've shifted blame to another. Denied my wrongdoing on something else. Said it wasn't my fault. Ignored the fact that I wanted adventure and risked everything for it for my own selfish purposes. I wasn't thinking of what it would do to Mom. Even to these boys. Did I ruin their lives as well? My feeling so complicated it's giving me a headache. See, there I go again. Only thinking of myself. Or is he actually wrong?

"You never acknowledged our efforts!" Gideon yells down at me, "What we sacrificed for you! And WHY ARE YOU CRYING!?"

I stare down at my cup watching my tears drop into the tea. My hands tremble causing the liquid to shake. I drop my head further on the verge of begging him to do it. To hit me. I think I deserve it. I did this. I did this to everyone. Why couldn't I have run when I had the chance? I'm so stupid. Gideon was right again. I did turn into a monster. A broken monster with so much self-pity it's drowning in its own tears. Insecurity breaking its so fragile confidence all over again. This is all my fault.

The stress is crushing my sanity. Grinding it down into fine pieces. Slipping away with the wind. I squeeze my eyes shut as I continue to silence my cries.

He is right.

And just like that, it was gone.

All of it.

Gone with the dry winds of the forest.

My will to fight.

My thoughts murky with fog as they drive me down a narrow path to one pitiful conclusion. As if this is what they wanted all along yet I never realized it.

I deserve to die. Why should I keep living if I cause pain to everyone around me? If I'm such a horrible person, then I should die here. Let Gideon kill me. Give up. Submit. And die here.

From my trembling lips, two words force their way out from the depths of my subconscious.

"Kill me."

Gideon silences himself.

I slowly open my eyes feeling oddly empty inside. I raise my head with glassy eyes wondering if I look like Shiloh when he shuts down. I eye his raised hand, "Kill me, Gideon."

His eyes widen in horror, taking a sudden step back. "What?" he asks, appalled.

Adrien freezes.

A hollow laugh escapes my throat, echoing around my head like a broken record. I bring one hand up to my mouth, distantly afraid of the sound. I continue to laugh as I stare at Gideon with almost eager eyes. My thoughts drifting further away, pulled by a thin thread that steals away my reality. Why is this so funny? Why am I laughing? Maybe it is funny.

"Eve?" Adrien asks worriedly, "Are you okay?"

I gasp loudly as tears continue to roll down my face. I stare up at Gideon as my request cements itself into my brain like a parasite. My brain floating elsewhere as a shell of my remains takes over. I don't think I'm myself anymore. Or I was like this all along. "J-Just do it. Kill me, Gideon. Get it over with and do it. I-I won't mind."

I tried so hard to make it. But it was all a waste. It's sad. So sad. Or not. Maybe that's not sad at all.

Gideon's hand drops to his side. His eyes still filled with horror that shields a distant memory. "N-No," he forces out, "no I-I won't."

Adrien watches me warily. "Eve?"

I keep my eyes locked on Gideon. I crack a sad smile as laughter continues to bubble up inside of me. "I-It's not like anything would change. You were always going to kill me. I was your toy. But," my laugh takes on a higher pitch, "but this toy is broken! So go on, do what you want. Kill me. I know you love to kill."

Gideon pales.

Adrien sets the cup down and slowly stands up. "Gideon, she's not herself," he warns quickly, "I didn't know she was progressing so quickly. I think it was too much for her. We're going to lose her if we don't do something."

Gideon gapes at me, shock instilled in his eyes. "No Eve, I-I can't kill you. Y-You don't deserve that. No one deserves that."

My heart aches as I watch his heart shatter in the reflection of his eyes. But I won't change my mind. Maybe death is a merciful end. He's lying too. He's contradicting everything he's ever said.

"If you care for me at all, you'll kill me."

"Don't listen to her," Adrien urges with a semi-panicked look. "She doesn't want that, she's just confused. You remember when Shiloh snapped? We have to save her too. Don't let her do this."

Gideon's expression troubled as his eyes dodge over me.

"Humans die," I force out, my voice hollow. "It's just how things go."

I blink once to find Gideon already taking the cup from my hand. I let out a whimper from the touch from brief panic. But my heart settles with acceptance and I drop my head. He's going to do it.

But instead, he takes my hands in his with a gentle look. "Eve," he begins slowly, "listen to me. You aren't yourself right now. This happens to all the humans who cross over. It's too much to handle, right? It's the first stage of becoming one of us, okay? But we don't want that, we want you to move past this. You can't give up, not now."

"You want me dead," I answer flatly, anger beginning to rise up inside me. Scorching whatever is left of my broken heart and dust of sanity. "You wanted that. Why don't you want it anymore?"

"You're not going to die. And I'm not going to kill you."

"I want to die. You need to kill me."

"That isn't you," Gideon urges, "stop talking like that, you're just scared Eve. You can't-"

"I SAID KILL ME!" I shriek before I reach into his cloak. My hands wrap around his knife handle before I whip it out ready to plunge it deep into my stomach. A bright smile spreads across my face as I raise it up, "Finally!" I burst out laughing before I bring it down upon myself.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! Finally! It's all over now! I can just leave! I'm all done now! All done!

But Gideon's hand is already slapping away the knife. I yelp as his slap stings my hand. The knife falls onto the pillows and stabs the ground. I stare at Gideon in horror as he grips my hands tightly.

"You can't!"

"YOU WANTED IT! I WANT IT!" I scream at him, my mind clouding further. "LET ME DO IT!"

"This is the forest's effect on you! Just stop!" Gideon begins to plead, "Please stop!"

"NO! Let me do it! You can't stop me! You can't stop me forever!"

Adrien grabs my shoulders, standing next to Gideon now. His eyes wide with panic, "Snap out of it! Snap out of it right now!" he shouts.

"YOU WANTED THIS!" I scream as I slam my head back against the wall. "YOU SAID YOU WANTED ME DEAD AND NOW YOU GOT YOUR WISH! YOU WERE RIGHT! EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT SO I DESERVE TO DIE!"

"No, no! Eve no!" Gideon begs, forcing me to stop trying to hit my head against the wall. "Please!" His lip quivers, "No! I-, I'm sorry, Eve! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!"

"You're not sorry!! You can't be sorry, you were right!!" I sob uncontrollably as I jerk in their grip trying to smash my head against anything.

A strange whispering continuing in the back of my head. Chanting the words over and over again in another language. But the message is so very clear.

Humans aren't meant to be here.

This was your fault.

You had your fun, little one.

Playtime is over.

They are right.

"Stop it!" Gideon's eyes fill with desperate tears, "Stop it, Eve! I said I'm sorry! Don't do this to yourself! I-I can change! I can change! Please snap out of it! Don't give in! I'll change for you! I swear to you!"

Adrien is holding me back against the wall with a pained look. He knows.

"I'm gone," I sob, "All gone, all gone. It's my fault. They said it was."

"No no no don't listen to them!" Gideon pleads, "They're