Chapter 11 - Birthday

After the bullying began, I only ever talked out my problems with my dad. He was my best friend, and he loved me. Even after meeting Venus, I knew he would still be my favorite person in the world. After all, after mom died, we were all we had left. Without him, I probably would have killed myself long ago.

I still continued to suffer from depression. All of my feelings remained bottled up inside, and I felt like a 2-liter coke bottle with Mentos inside. I was ready to burst, unable to contain my emotions. I had nothing to hold onto. Air was the only thing I could grasp, but there was no way for me to.

It was mom's birthday. She would have been forty-three if it weren't for me. I killed her and took all of her birthdays away. No matter how many times dad said it wasn't my fault, it technically was. I was the one who had a show. I was the one who wanted her to come. She never would have been on that road if it weren't for me.

I remained locked up in the bathroom, leaning against the door in the darkness as I cried my eyes out. Dad was downstairs enjoying himself with a couple of his friends. Though he mourned the anniversary of her death every year, he believed birthdays were a day of celebration and that we should still celebrate the life she had every year. I've tried to to make him happy, but every birthday ends up with me crying in the bathroom alone. He doesn't know. And he never will.

I was accustomed to being alone during this time, mourning and crying, but this year was different. All I wanted was Venus to be by my side, holding me as I cried, and her telling me everything would be okay. But she wasn't. I wouldn't let her. This was my misery to bear alone.

Every time I heard someone laugh downstairs, I cried harder. Mom should have been in the living room, celebrating her birthday with her friends and family. She should have still been with us. I took that away from everyone. Even if dad claimed it wasn't my fault, that didn't change the fact that he missed her.

Finally able to compose myself, I stood up and washed my face before entering my own room. Peeking through the window, I spotted Venus sitting on her windowsill, reading a book for her English class. When she glanced over at me, smiling when we locked eyes, I broke down again, crying harder than I ever have.

I dropped to the ground, leaning against the wall under the window as I heard Venus's muffled voice calling out to me through my closed window. I didn't want her to see me like this. I didn't want to see her in that moment. All I felt was heartache, not only for my mom but over her.

I was beginning to fall in love with Venus. I knew that no matter how hard I tried to implement the fact that she was only my friend into my brain, my heart wanted more. I wanted to be with Venus, have a romantic relationship with her as her girlfriend. I wanted to be happy and in love with her.

But she was taken. She had Jack. No matter what Lindsey may have said, it's impossible to fake the puppy-love stricken face she made at him. I was falling in love with Venus, and she was already in love with Jack. And he was in love with her. And that was that.