For the first time in a long time I woke up smiling. It wasn't a smile because I was happy that my man came home, or because I had the best sex of my life the night before. It was a genuine I'm happy within myself smile.

I'll be honest, getting to this point was not easy at all. The past month I spent helping Jason recoup and recover almost set me back a couple of times, but then I thought back on the tears, fights, and disrespect. At the end of the day I had to protect my peace, and Jason wasn't worth my peace.

Looking back I had to laugh at the fact that I was so far gone. I tried thinking of times where Jason and I were happier, and seriously it ended in high school. I was holding on to hope, and hope didn't get me anywhere.

Knock knock

I jumped out of bed and ran to open the door for Amelia.

"Helloooo," I sang hugging Amelia once she stepped inside. I stepped back and rubbed her protruding belly.

"Hey," Amelia spoke eyeing me skeptically. "What's goin on with you? Your place came together nicely."

"Thanks, and I'm just in a great space right now. I don't know, I just wake up happy now and it feels great." Amelia raised her brow and stood from the couch. She wobbled to the back before returning to the living room.

"Who is he and where are you hiding him?" She asked joining me on the couch again. I laughed playfully pushing her shoulder.

"There's no he, it's just me! I'm serious."

"I'm just kidding, I'm proud of you babe. Lord knows I've been waiting for you to come to your senses, but to see you now... It's just," Amelia paused getting emotional. "I'm sorry, I'm just really fucking pregnant. I'm proud of you though, and I'm so happy for you."

"Aww," I sighed hugging Amelia.

That felt really good coming from her. I always knew how she felt about Jason, and she was the one person that witnessed me lose myself in that relationship. To hear that she's proud of me is everything.

"I'm proud too MeMe!" I wiped away a tear. "Lord knows it's not easy, but I'm doing it and I'm finally okay with letting go."

"I don't see what you wanted with his ass anyhow. I mean he's cute and all, but baby... You're Anastasia Ramirez! You were way out of his league."

"See, I didn't look at it like that. With him it wasn't about the material shit, or the money. He captured my heart with his. Things weren't always the way they are now. You know that, you were there. I was riding for Jason when his ass was rocking tall tees and beige forces. I don't know... I guess somewhere along the way he lost his way." I shrugged thinking back on the Jason I fell in love with.

"You're right about that," MeMe chuckled. "So..."

"So what Amelia?"

"Does that mean my little Zay Zay might get a shot?"

"Absolutely not!" I spat frowning. "Don't get me wrong, Isaiah's a great guy. He treated me with nothing but respect and not once did he come at me sideways on some shit. He has his own issues though. I think starting something with him will be like walking backwards and I'm all about progression."

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Amelia asked playfully.

"The new and improved me!" I said tossing my hair over my shoulder and striking a pose.

"Mhm, I'm loving this new you. Shit you got me feeling inspired."

I sat back and chopped it up with Amelia for another hour before I packed up to check on Jason. He was getting back to his old self, but I wanted to be sure he stuck with his strengthening exercises.

Once I threw on some sweats I was on my way. There was no sense in getting all dolled up just to go make sure Jay was doing what he was supposed to, so I didn't.

I used Jason's spare key and stepped inside the safe house Josh had Jason staying in. I heard the music blaring from the basement so I already knew where he was. Placing my keys on the coffee table I headed down to the basement which Jason had turned into a home gym.

Jason was in the middle of what seemed to be an intense workout. I walked over to his beats pill and cut the volume down causing him to look up and notice me.

"What up?" Jason smiled dropping the weights he was lifting and walking over to me. He attempted to hug me, but I held out my fist instead.

"Not while you're all sweaty," I frowned waiting for him to pound me.

Jason chuckled bumping my fist. "I can't remember a time you ever complained about that," he joked.

"Whatever, I just stopped by to check in. You know you have a tendency to do the wrong thing, just trying to keep you right."

Jason walked over and grabbed up a towel wiping his face. He sat on the weight bench and I noticed the huge tattoo of my name on the side of his neck. I wondered what he was gonna do about that now, but that wasn't my business.

"I'm sticking to it. This shit keeps the stress to a minimum." Jay replied grabbing his water bottle and taking a swig.

"You should try yoga, it does wonders for stress." I suggested. Jason side eyed me smacking his lips. "What?"

"Fuck I look like doing yoga? I'll leave that to you."

"Your loss," I shrugged. "So what's new? What's been up?"

"Just in the cut. I ain't showed my face since returning here. Honestly I'm just ready to handle these niggas and be done with this shit. I hate to feel like I'm hiding and shit."

"I understand, but you need to focus on getting yourself back one hundred percent healthy before anything."

"I know, just feel like a sucka though. What you been up to? You're all glowing and shit, let me find out."

"Let you find out what Jason?"

"Some other nigga swooped in making you happy," Jay sighed fishing for information about my personal life.

"Why can't I just be happy within myself?" I asked curiously.

"Is that what it is?" Jason smirked. I rolled my eyes. He could never be serious.

"You know what's crazy to me... Everyone sees me happy and automatically assumes it has something to do with a man. Realistically, I'm just generally happy. I have peace of mind now. I won't lie, I have fallen in love though."

I saw Jason's face drop as he nodded his head.

"Who is he?" Jay asked.

"He is me Jason. Falling in love with myself was a process, and I only knew I arrived when I stopped looking for me in everything and everyone else." I sighed.

"That's what's up. I can't even knock it babe. Happiness looks good on you though, I wish I could have been the one to do that but we gotta play the cards how they're dealt."

"Exactly, I'm not tripping though. The ups and downs with you made me who I am. I would have never found my strength had you not made me so weak."

"You make me sound like an asshole," Jason frowned.

"You're not?"

"Whatever. So how's school going?"

I finally decided that it was time for me to stop procrastinating and get back in school. I put it off long enough, and now that I was somewhat grounded, I felt there was no better time than the present.

"It's great actually. I feel like an old ass woman sitting in class with all the youngins, but it's cool." I laughed thinking about all the little fresh out of high school kids in my classes. The little boys were the worst.

Jason smiled at me. "I'm proud of you Tasia. I hate to feel like I held you back from everything, but look at you now."

"Thanks Jay, that means a lot."

"No problem. What you getting into today? How bout we have a celebratory dinner or something?"

"I'll have to raincheck, I'm going to meet my study group." I replied looking down at my watch. "I actually need to get going now, I'll see you later." I said getting up to leave.

"Aite, call me if you change your mind." Jason yelled at my back. I simply chucked the deuces up as I kept walking.

I was positive I'd be done studying way before dinner time, but having dinner with Jason was not in my plans. I was like an addict in recovery and he was bad for my sobriety.

Amelia

Pulling up to club Premier to meet Joshua for lunch I stepped out of my car and bumped into Zay and his little girlfriend as they made their way out.

"What up sis?" Zay asked holding the door open for his girl to walk out, and me to walk in.

"Hello Isaiah," I spoke before turning my attention to his chick. I still felt a way about how she did him, but that was their business. If he could forgive her and move on, so could I. "Porsha, right?"

"Mhm," she nodded gripping Zay's arm as if he would run away.

"I'm Amelia, Josh's woman." I stuck out my hand.

"Nice meeting you. Isaiah talks about you guys so much I feel like I know you personally. You look like you're about ready to pop." She smiled reaching out to touch my stomach.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those chicks that believes your baby will come out looking like whoever rubs your stomach, but I despise people I don't know touching on me.

I believe in transferring energies and the last thing I want is someone leaving negative vibes behind on me. So I jumped back a little.

"Just about there, but let me get in here and see what this man is whining about today. I'll see you two later. Nice meeting you Porsha."

"Same," she shot back with a tight lipped smile.

I headed inside and Bear led me to an elevator and rode up with me to Josh's office. This was actually my first time in the club and I was thoroughly impressed with the decor.

"Straight down the hall and his door is on the right," Bear pointed once we made it to the second level.

"Thanks Bear," I smiled making my way. The door was already open and Josh was sitting at his desk engaged in what seemed to be a deep conversation with Dee.

"Knock knock," I stated making my way inside. The both of them looked up and Dee stood from his seat.

"What up Mellie Mel?" Dee asked walking over hugging me.

"Nothing much, just ready to get my body back? How are you?"

"You know I stay coolin, with my cool ass." Dee laughed playfully brushing his shoulder.

"Nigga, get out!" Josh laughed throwing a pen at Dee. He bent down and picked it up.

"Here this nigga go hating, as usual! I'll catch you later Mel."

"See ya," I shot over my shoulder as Dee walked out closing the door. I made my way over to Josh and took a seat in his lap. "Hi," I sighed placing a kiss on his lips.

"Hello," Josh replied slipping his tongue in my mouth before pulling back and kissing my stomach.

"Ready to eat? I wanted to get something quick before we get Jace from school."

"You didn't get my message?" Josh asked causing me to pull out my phone and frown.

"No, what did you say?"

Josh pulled out his phone and showed me the message he typed up, but never sent. It stated that his mom was picking up Jace today and he had some shit come up, so we'd do dinner instead of lunch.

"I could have sworn I sent that shit. Dee's ass threw me off." Josh sighed. I pouted because I was looking forward to lunch.

"Well what's so important that we can't go eat?" I pouted. Josh shot me a look.

"Come on now, you know better." He sighed eyeing me.

Josh liked to keep me on what he called a need to know basis. If it was something I needed to know he'd tell me, if not, then I had to carry on about my day.

I sighed standing from his lap. "Whatever, guess I gotta go eat alone!" I said rolling my eyes.

"Take Zay with you. He was trying to get his girl to do lunch but she has to get back to work."

"Fine!" I spat purposely leaving Josh's office without giving him a kiss. I spotted Zay out front smoking and he agreed to do lunch with me.
_______________

Zay and I sat in Carrabba's waiting for our server to return and take our orders. I was the hold up because realistically I wanted about four different things on the menu. I sighed at the thought of making a choice.

"So," I placed my menu on the table and looked up at Zay. "What's been up?"

"Too much. I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point." He sighed.

"Elaborate," I replied wanting more insight on whatever he was feeling. Zay was always optimistic, so for him to be coasting was crazy.

"I don't know how to... I guess I'm just, I don't man," Zay stated running a hand down his face. "You think it's possible to be in love with two people?"

I furrowed my brow pondering over his question. "Honestly, I don't, but then again it all comes down to your definition of loving, and being in love."

"What's the difference?"

"The difference is I love you, and I love Josh. While I love you like my family... I'm in love with Josh. It's a different feeling. I would climb a hill to get to you, but for him I'd move mountains. There is no one definition or perspective. I can only tell you how I view it." I shrugged not really knowing how to explain it. It's just a feeling, but you'll definitely be able to distinguish between the two.

"How do you choose between the two? What if the feelings are somewhat the same for each person?" Zay asked. I scratched my head. He needed a professional for this shit.

"There is no choosing between the two. In the back of your mind you always know which direction to head in. I think people search for answers to solidify their decisions. If you didn't already have a choice, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"What if kids are involved? It's so many obstacles in the way of your choice. Do you make a decision based on your heart? Or go with your mind, and do what seems to be the reasonable thing?"

"And what's reasonable?"

"Raising your kid in a two parent household, sticking in there even if feelings change. I don't know," Zay frowned.

"Good thing you're not the voice of reason. Listen Isaiah, I can't tell you what to do, but what I will tell you is you deserve to be happy. Don't stay in a situation if the only reason you have for being there is because it's right. You should never have to question your relationship.

I don't believe in 50/50, I believe everyone should bring a full 100 to the table. I want to get what I'm giving. If my efforts go unmatched, why and what am I really fighting for? At the end of the day life is too damn short to push your happiness to the side.

You can stay in a situation because of a kid, but in the end you'll grow resentful and probably fuck that kid's mindset up when he or she sees the way you move. Kids pick up on energies. Or, you can be honest with yourself and leave the situation. There is nothing wrong with co-parenting. If you're unhappy now, imagine how much worse it'll be later."

Zay looked over at me and nodded in understanding. I didn't want to be the one to make a decision for him, but come on, Stevie Wonder could see that he was miserable.

"Thanks MeMe," Zay sighed before the server came to take our orders. The rest of our lunch was spent chatting about my plans after the new baby, and Zay going to barber school.

I really did hope I helped him gain some insight on his situation. If not, I prayed he found peace of mind.

Zay

After having lunch with Amelia, my mind was definitely on overload. I decided to end my day early and take my ass home. I hated making moves when my mind was cloudy.

I must have gone over the words to say to Porsha a million times in my head, yet I still came up with nothing. Don't get me wrong, I loved the shit out of Por, but I was no longer feeling this relationship.

I'm one of those people that if you show me who you are, I'll believe you. Porsha shitted on me. It happened, and there was nothing left to do about it, but in the midst of all that, my feelings changed.

I'll be the first to say that people make mistakes. I understand that our situation wasn't the ideal situation to bring a baby into, but damn, let's make that decision together. I feel like I didn't even get a chance or choice.

That's not all though. If I'm gonna be honest I have to say that shit been changing for some time now. The abortion was just the icing on the cake. I hated to feel like I was a disappointment or I wasn't good enough, and that's exactly how Porsha made me feel.

She looked at her life and felt like mine should be the same. While a little motivation is a good thing, I felt more ridiculed than anything. If I had papers to fill out Porsha would just take them from me and automatically assume I needed her to fill them out for me.

Granted, I didn't finish school, but I'm not no dumb ass nigga either. I read all the time and I love learning new things, Porsha never noticed that though. At the end of the day, I'm just tired. I want someone who will encourage me without making me feel like I'm beneath them because I don't have a diploma or degree behind my name.

I heard my door close and sat up in bed anticipating Porsha's presence. She walked in the room and started to strip from her work clothes.

"How was your day?" I asked breaking the silence. Her ass didn't even bother speaking when she walked in.

"Long! I'm just ready to shower and lie down. This freaking pregnancy is making it... Just, I just want to shower." Porsha sighed. I scooted to the edge of the bed and looked up at her.

"Can we talk first?" I asked.

"Isaiah, I really don't feel like talking. You got to lay around all day! I'm tired and I just want to shower and go to bed."

"I do more than just lay around all day Porsha!" I spat getting irritated.

"Hmph!" She spat rolling her eyes.

"You know what, fuck it! Since you don't wanna talk, just listen. This shit ain't working for me anymore. I thought I could make shit work, but I can't."

"All because I'm tired? Are you freaking serious Isaiah?!"

"It has nothing to do with that Porsha. I just, I haven't been happy in a while man. I could pretend shit is all good, but it's not. I think it's just time for us to go our separate ways."

"W-where is this coming from? Is it because of the abortion still? I thought we were past that. We're expecting a baby Isaiah! How are you just gonna spring this shit on me now?" Porsha asked with tears falling from her eyes. I hated to see her cry, but I wouldn't dare be a coward and not look her in the face while speaking to her.

"We don't have to be together to raise our baby Por. I honestly just feel like it's time. Maybe our relationship has run its course. Just because I want to split doesn't mean I'm going to stop caring or being there for you. I'm always here, but I can't be in this relationship