J

My heart was beating out of my chest so hard that I thought I might have a heart attack at any given moment during sex with Jessa. I mean fuck, I thought I knew what good sex was before but clearly I had not one clue. I've fucked maybe four girls in my lifetime, all of them boring as hell and each time I was either high or drunk off my ass.

This though, was euphoric.

I knew now that I was without a doubt in love with Jessa, so much that it actually hurt. It set a fire so deep inside of me that it burned every time I saw her smile. I ached every time I heard her laugh. It was basically a death sentence to even think about being apart from her. I never thought I'd know what love felt like, but now I do. It's like looking forward to tomorrow and actually seeing and being excited for the future- something I never knew I'd have because I thought I'd be dead by now..
It was a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because I found someone that's truly given me a purpose on this earth, and a curse because now I have to look after someone other than myself. Which obviously is the problem considering I can barely even feed myself without difficulty.

I pushed a strand of hair from Jessa's forehead as I watched her sleep. She was still completely naked and had her legs and arms wrapped around me, something I never knew I wanted until I had it. I hated sleeping next to girls after sex with them..I'd usually leave whatever sleazy motel room they paid for and sleep in my usual spot outside instead of staying. I never wanted them to get any attachments, I just wanted to distract myself for a night and move on.

She stirred slightly and I smiled as I watched her eyes slowly flutter open.

"Good morning." I said with soft kiss to her lips. She smiled against my mouth and raised her hand to my cheek, rubbing the skin with her thumb. I closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of her touch.

"Good morning." Jessa replied, now running her fingers slowly down my neck, then to my chest.

I winced slightly as her finger brushed against one of my most recent cuts. I remember the guy had dragged his pocket knife through my shirt and down my skin torturously slow to make me suffer longer. It was over some stupid shit, he did it just because he knew he could. I handled it fine though and managed to turn it around on him and shove it straight into his eye socket. I still think about his screams.

"Shit, I'm sorry." She whispered, instantly moving her hand away.

"No, you're fine. Still sensitive is all." I smiled, insuring her that it was okay. It happened just hours before Jessa came to me for the first time, and I still remembered her eyes flickering down to see that mans eye socket blood dried and crusted on my chapped knuckles.

"I feel like I should apologize for last night." Jessa says, thankfully changing the subject.

I almost asked her to repeat what she had said, just because I really couldn't believe she'd want to apologize for what happened. I didn't exactly expect it either, but still there's no night in the world that I would trade for it.

"I want to say I wanted a distraction, but truthfully I've been thinking of us doing that for a while." She said, blushing immediately after the words fell from her soft pink lips that matched the color of her-

"A while, huh?" I said, interrupting my own inappropriate thoughts that had me getting hard all over again. "I've been thinking about it the first time I laid eyes on you."

Fuck- I need to remember why we're here and focus.

I smiled as a rosy pink color arose onto her neck and crawled up into her cheeks.

"Who knew you could be so romantic." She said with a shy smile and sat up before wrapping her naked body with the bedsheets.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, knowing that could never be me.

"Do I need to find someone's fingers to break or someone's head to bash in to remind you what I'm really like?" I laughed, but by the look on her face it was clear she didn't find that too funny.

"That's not what you're really like, J." She said calmly with a brow raised. "You're more than what you've done."

I ran a hand through my annoyingly long hair and nodded, agreeing with her simply to avoid any arguments. At the same time though, I knew that one particular conversation was coming. The one involving the girl that I've killed, the one her father just had to tell her about. Fuck. I really wanted to keep that one buried for good, but with Jessa, that's going to be impossible.

"You sure about that?" I challenged, sort of wanting to get that different conversation out of the way before we had to literally run away together. To do what we needed to do, I needed her to fully trust me.

"Yes, I'm sure. I don't think anything could change the way I feel about you."

Wanna bet?

"I mean, look what I did." She sat back down on the edge of the bed, rubbing her temples. The memories of what happened yesterday were probably crashing into her hard as hell, sending her mind into overdrive.

You know that one moment when you wake up and you're in total peace, just for a couple of seconds? Then the realization of life and everything fucked up that comes along with it comes falling down on you like a flaming meteor? Yeah, I definitely knew how she was feeling. And god, I wish I could take it away.

"J, oh my god." She squeaked, now full on crying against the skin of her palms. I knew the long night of distractions wouldn't last long, she had to feel.

"Hey, come here." I said, scooting my body closer to hers. She surprised me by pushing me away and standing to her feet, letting the sheet fall along with it.

"What did you do to the girl, the one my father mentioned?" Jessa asked, completely naked in front of me. I bit my lip and gnawed hard enough to break the skin of my old wound. I welcomed the familiar taste of the blood.

"Sit down."

"No." She crossed her arms, and I closed my eyes in annoyance. She is stubborn as hell. "He said she was my age, was that part true?"

"Yes." I breathed, choosing to be honest for once in my life. I found it extremely difficult to lie to this girl, it was impossible with her fucking eyes. They were dark and strong, making the hair on my neck stand up from just once glance.

"Did you date her or something?"

"Fuck no- I mean, no, I didn't." I replied honestly, watching as a bit of relief overcame her features. That wouldn't last long..

"We just had sex." I added, seeing the emotion rush right back into her face as predicted. "There were no feelings involved, not on my end at least."

"What does that mean? She liked you more than you did her?"

"Yeah, you could say that." I nodded, watching as she finally sat down in front of me, tears still filling her eyes. I couldn't look away from her as I prepared to tell her what I did, I needed to see her, and I hoped she would see me as well.

"Her name was Amie, I never even knew her last name. I met her at a kickback one of my buddies was having at his place. Well, his place that he had at the time. This was years ago, Jessa." I frowned and took a deep breath in.

I remembered it like it was yesterday, though. I remembered how cold the air outside was and exactly how the apartment smelled. I remembered conversations that were exchanged and the way I felt so lonely even though the place was packed full. But most of all, I remembered Amie.

She was a redhead that lit up the room when she walked into it. Everyone turned to look at her when she entered with some sleaze-bag that she was definitely fucking to rebel against her parents. She was too pretty to be in that place that night, too pretty and way too naive. I remember doing a line of coke when she came up to me, she tapped my shoulder and asked me to show her where the bathroom was.

_

"Hey," I felt a slight tap on my shoulder after I snorted the line and took a couple of seconds to focus on my surroundings before turning around. This must have been the redhead everyone talked about, the one Gordon was fucking. And shit, they were right-she was hot. However she looked too sweet, too perfect to be in a place like this. We would ruin her.

"Can you show me the bathroom, please? I'm lost in this place." She said with a flirty smile.

"Really? It's a fucking one bedroom apartment." I scoffed, and was surprised when she didn't flinch at all by my harsh words.

"What's your name?" She asked, changing the subject before raising a red solo cup filled with liquor to her thin lips.

"Why would you need to know my name?"

"Jesus, I'm just trying to make conversation." The girl laughed, and suddenly I felt like half of the eyes in the room were eyeing me. Except Gordon's, I wasn't sure where he was.

I sighed and grabbed the cup from her hands before swallowing the burning liquid in an attempt to make things a little more of a blur. The less focus, the better.

"Hey!" She laughed and pushed her hair behind her ears, giving me a better view of her eyes. They were dark blue, kind of reminding me of the deepest part of the ocean. She also had freckles scattered all around her nose as well as her shoulders, arms, and chest that were visible through her revealing top.

"Don't worry, there's plenty." I said before downing the rest of the cup and tossing it on the already trashed floor. "The bathrooms directly in front of the bedroom over there." I nodded in that direction and turned back to the table of coke.

"So that was your first time meeting her?" Jessa asked, stirring me out of my thoughts. I was telling her the backstory now, something I hadn't intended to tell her. But for some reason, I felt that it was crucial for her to hear.

"Yeah. I was an ass, I don't know why she kept trying to get to know me."

"Keep going." Jessa said, her eyes and emotions hard as stone. I knew she was trying her hardest to keep it together.

"We saw each other a couple of times at similar kickbacks, talked a bit, but never did anything. I never saw her come with the guy she usual was with again, she just started coming on her own."

_

"J!" Amie hollered from the other side of the loud, crowded living room.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked as she came closer, trying to speak louder over the deafening music. She was hard to miss because of the bright red dress that she was wearing, and I tried not to stare as she stood in front of me with her usual wide smile. She was skinny and didn't have much of an ass or tits, but she was beautiful nonetheless.

"I brought you this." She said and handed me a McDonald's sack. "I ate before I came here and remembered you telling me how much you liked the fries."

"No shit? Thank you Amie." I said and reached into the bag before stuffing a handful of warm, salty fries into my mouth. My body was full of alcohol and a single hot pocket, so yeah, I wasn't gonna give a shit how much of a pig I looked.

"There's a couple of burgers in there, too. I had to guess what you might like." Amie smiled, looking to her feet as I ate.

"Thanks." I mumbled with a mouth full. "Let me get you a drink."

I stumbled my way to the table filled with bottles of liquor and poured a plastic cup half way full of one of the random liquids.

"Thank you." Amie said with a smile after I handed her the cup. I nodded in response while finishing the food that only took me a few minutes to devour.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked before taking a sip of the alcohol.

"Yeah, wait one sec." I grabbed her cup as soon as she lowered it from her lips and took a couple of sips to wash down the food.

"Okay go ahead." I said and handed her back the cup, ignoring her laughter.

"Would it have been so hard to get your own cup while you were over there?" Amie laughed, shaking her head.

"Was that your question?"

"No." She bit her lip and took a step closer to me. She smelled like lavender, and it instantly drew me in.

"Do you want to fuck me?" She asked, and I almost choked on my own breath.

"What?" I coughed, wanting to make sure I heard her correctly.

"I've been wanting it to happen on its own, but I don't think it will so I thought I'd just say fuck it and ask you." Amie shrugged and took another sip of her drink to loosen her obvious nerves.

"Amie, I'm drunk."

"It's just a question! They say people are more honest when they're drunk, anyway."

I sighed and scratched my temple, knowing damn well she was right. And who was denying it? Of course I wanted to fuck her. Everyone in the room did, but she already knew that.

"Yes." I answered simply, watching as her lips grew into one of her famous flirty smiles. "In fact, I kinda want to take you to the bathroom and lift this up right here." I continued and touched the bottom of her dress, watching as she practically stopped breathing for a moment.

I liked the control I had over her, I liked knowing I practically had her wrapped around my finger. But at the same time, I found myself liking her as herself. I found myself missing her at every kickback she didn't show up to. I found myself looking at the door every time it opened in hopes it would be her. I found myself getting lost in her eyes that basically pulled me by the dick. I hated it, but also, it might have just been the alcohol considering I have never been sober around her once.

I'll stick with that.

"Is that so?" She whispered, and it was as if we were suddenly the only people in the room.

I took one look into her big eyes and without even a second thought I was dragging her into the bathroom where she sucked me off and I fucked her on the sink.

I had her nail marks down my back for weeks, each time we had sex she would break the old scratches to create new, fresh ones.

She was obsessed with kissing me. It was something I never let a girl do, but for her I let it be. She would kiss me throughout the entire session, start to finish. My bottom lip would be slightly bloody afterward because she loved to bite it when she came, and I didn't mind because it was so god damn hot.

She was falling for me, and I think I knew this, but I ignored it in hopes she could stay as a good lay for me. However, I knew she'd want more eventually. And right I was.

_

"She loved you." Jessa said with parted lips. This might be the second worst thing she'd want to hear today, but I felt it was important for her to know our entire relationship. She had to know I wasn't completely heartless in this and that she wasn't just a random girl I hurt. 

"She did, yeah." I admitted, growing more nervous as time went by. I was getting ready to tell her the worst of it, and besides having to relive the traumatic experience, I was afraid I would lose Jessa and that she might finally fear me.

"Now, remember Gordon? The one she would usually come with?" I asked and watched as Jessa nodded nervously.

"He found me where I was living one night. This was back when I lived in the alley with those guys you met yesterday, but that night I was alone and someone from the parties told him about Amie and I."

_

The night was cold, dark and quiet as hell. So quiet I could hear cars from faraway highways honking and the rats scurrying around for scraps of food. I was wrapped in a blanket I took from the apartment I always went to for the parties and tried my best to keep warm even though it was impossible in this atrocious weather. The wind felt like needles each time it blew, and I prayed to fall asleep just so I could get some sort of relief from the horrible feeling.

My eyes peeled open as I heard a sudden rush of footsteps come closer and closer, and before I had the chance to even open my eyes I felt a large hand grab me by my shirt, ripping it instantly as I scrambled to get onto my feet.

"Gordon! Stop it right now!" I heard a familiar voice sound from the darkness behind him. I wished that this was just a horrible fucking nightmare, but unfortunately, this was all too real and the sight of Amie's flaming hair behind him confirmed it.

How the fuck did he even know where I was? If I could guess I'd say he pulled a knife on someone and forced it out of them. Either way, I'm fucked here.

Gordon was a big guy. Unlike me, he ate all three meals a day and worked out regularly. I never spoke a word to him in my life, but I knew he wasn't good. I kept my distance, as did everyone except for his close knit group of felons. Until now, however.

"Listen, man-" I tried to say in an attempt to save my own ass here, but got nowhere far as I felt his fist connect with my face.

Amie screamed loudly and tried to pull him off of me, but with her slim figure compared to his broad one, her help was as useless as my life.

However, I lived in a goddamn alley. I prepared for shit like this to happen by keeping things next to me and in my pants, like my pocketknife for example.

I groaned as Gordon walked closer to me, trying hard to ignore the pain so I could reach down to grab my knife.

"Don't go near him!" Amie screamed again, grabbing the back of Gordon's shirt so hard that I could hear a rip.

"What? You afraid I'll hurt your boyfriend? You're a fucking whore." He hissed before literally spitting in her face.

I watched as she slapped him instantly after, and I could feel my body charge with anger as Gordon grabbed her by her hair and slammed her against the brick walls of the Alleyway.

I reached my hand underneath my pants and grabbed the knife before using every sliver of energy I had to stand up and slash Gordon's back, earning a hair raising scream that was like music to my ears.

"J, no! Just run!" Amie yelled, but I ignored her and plunged the knife into the side of his neck as soon as he turned around. I couldn't risk him grabbing it and using it on me, or worse on Amie.

The knife slid into his skin like butter, and I made sure to look right into his eyes as he fell to his knees.

"No!" Amie screamed a blood curdling scream, leaving me kind of shocked. Why the hell did she care? He hurt her.

I was about to reach down to grab the knife and take it out of his skin so that I could let him bleed out slowly, but I was beat to it by Amie. Fucking Amie.

"Gordy, look at me." She grabbed his face and tried to apply pressure to his wound, but it was too late for that. I knew where exactly to put the knife to kill him, It wasn't my plan, but as soon as I saw him hurt her I couldn't control myself.

"Look what you've done!" Amie yelled, emotion very clear in her voice. She was crying now, and I was left confused as ever. I looked down at Gordon who was now laying down completely and had blood pooling out of his mouth and onto the grass beside him.

He was going to kill me, is she insane?

I tried to think of something to say, anything to say, but the throbbing on my now bloodied face