J
I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours.
Jessa fell asleep fast, way too fucking fast. I wanted time to talk to her and be with her before I left, but I couldn't considering she was upset with me the entire night. I think it was because I backed off when she wanted to kiss me earlier, and hell, I was a little upset at myself too. But I knew that if I let that kiss happen, I'd never be able to leave.
She was stressed as hell, so much so that her eyebrows were furrowed even in her sleep. I found myself wanting to reach out and touch her face or her hands to somehow soothe her, but I'm sure it would only have the opposite effect.
I watched the ceiling fan turn for hours as I listened to her light snores. The sound was calming, gentle. It made me want to stay there beside her forever just to make sure she was safe at all times. However, I knew she didn't need me for that. From meeting her until now I could tell that she was tough, strong. Strong enough to get through my leaving. Hell, she might even be relieved at the fact that she wouldn't need to hide me from her parents any longer.
I planned to get up and leave as soon as she fell asleep, but my body felt as if it were glued to the ground, unable to move.
I had to look away from her if I was going to do this.. it would be the only way I'd be able to. So, as hard as it was, I did just that and slowly but surely took the covers off of my body and stood to my feet. I then slid my old, worn sneakers on as quietly as I could and made my way to her bedroom door.
I noticed that my hands were shaking as I placed it around the doorknob, probably because I was absolutely dreading going back to the streets. I knew deep down that Cris's group was probably out sniffing like dogs to find whoever killed their leader, and judging by where the murder happened, I knew they had to be looking for me.
I swallowed hard, for I knew now it was best for me to leave. I couldn't risk her life, hell no.
Finally, I turned the knob slowly and opened the door light enough so it wouldn't creak before stepping out.
Don't look back at her, don't look back at her, my conscience screamed at me from inside my head. And I tried not to, I really did, but I've never been too good at listening to my conscience.
I turned my head to see her still fast asleep with her lips parted and covers all the way up to her neck. I smiled at the sight and tried my hardest to ignore the ache in my chest that got a pound heavier each time I inched away from her. It was crazy how I felt this strongly about a girl that I at first, despised so much. I hated the way she pitied me when she first saw me under that bridge. I hated the way she looked at me with sad eyes and thought of me as another person to help.
I've told myself for years that I didn't need any help, and shit, that's probably why I'm in the position I am today.
I really was grateful for this girl that barged into my world. I was happy to have met her, but like everything good in my life, it needed to end. I had to end this for her own good.
That's what a good friend would do, right?
I fought the stabbing pain in my chest as I closed the door and walked down the stairs as quickly as I could. I had to move fast before I changed my mind..I had to try and rid her face from my memory and think of where to go next.
As I walked out of her front door I noticed that I couldn't seem to clear her face, voice and how she would feel when she wakes up out of my head. I knew she would try and look for me, which is why I forced myself to go faster. I had to find somewhere new, somewhere far from here. Maybe there was a train somewhere that I could jump on?
I stopped as I felt a drop of water trickle down the side on my face before looking up into the dark, cloudy sky. And of fucking course, it was beginning to rain.
"Just my luck." I whispered under my breath, now walking faster down the sidewalk that was now dotted with raindrops. It was so cold, and the rain definitely wasn't helping.
I've had my fair share of cold rainy nights without shelter, but this one felt colder, for I was away from her. I tried to stop caring about Jessa, I even tried to stop thinking about how she looked in those huge glasses and how she'd smile shyly at me every time I told her that I liked them. It used to be so easy for me to forget girls, probably because they were pointless one night stands, but it was hard to forget someone like Jessa. She's someone that's unforgettable..she's my first friend, the first one to give a shit. And even though I was leaving, I know she'd always be in my memory.
I turned my head one last time to look towards her house before continuing to walk down the sideward that led to nowhere. A part of me was hoping she'd be on her front porch telling me to come back, but she wasn't. She was inside fast asleep and in peace, like she should be.
Jessa
I jolted awake as a boom of thunder roared from outside. Ever since I was little I hated thunder and how it would keep me up. I remember always going to my parents room and laying in the middle of them because I thought the sound meant that the world was ending. I chuckled at the memory and looked down beside my bed to my new person of comfort, but his spot was empty.
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked again, still not seeing J.
Maybe he was in the bathroom? I thought and instantly got up out of my bed to check and see if the bathroom light was on, and to my own horror, it wasn't.
My heart began to pound faster in my chest as I padded down the stairs as quickly as I could, hoping for whatever reason that he'd be in the kitchen or something. But there was nothing, no one.
"J?" I hissed, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over at any given moment.
He wouldn't leave, he wouldn't, I told myself as I began to look in the most ridiculous of places like on the couch or in the backyard.
I then looked towards the front door and froze in place as I saw that it was unlocked. My mom never forgot to lock the door, so I knew J had to have unlocked it himself to leave. I quickly swung it open in hope that maybe I'd catch him just as he was trying to leave, but as I stepped out onto my porch and looked down the street, there was nothing but darkness and rain.
I wanted to sink to my knees and cry, hell, I wanted to scream out in anger. I was mad, for he left without even saying goodbye. He left when I thought he might have cared about me the same way I did for him, but clearly I was wrong. So fucking wrong.
I wiped a fallen tear from my cheek with the heel of my hand just as another roar of thunder erupted from the dark sky, but instead of being afraid, I found myself turning around to grab my car keys.
I was in way too deep to just let him walk back into the dark. I couldn't just turn a blind eye and forget about him and everything that's happened, I could never. I hated that he thought I would do that so easily, and I hated that he thought he could get away without a single goodbye or an explanation.
I was in my car faster than I could process what I was doing. My heart was going a hundred miles a minute as I drove slowly down the road, slowly enough to look everywhere, for I knew he was good at hiding.
He couldn't have gone far, but he's been running all of his life from anyone and everything so I knew he could definitely go fast if he wanted to.
He was good as disappearing, but I wouldn't let him be good at it with me. Not with me.
The rain pounded hard on my windshield, making my anxiety get worse by the second. It broke me that J was somewhere out there in the freezing cold and rain with a freaking short sleeve t-shirt on. I had to find him, I had to.
I drove for about ten minutes down the same road, trying my best to glance down every turn I passed to check for him. But there was nothing, he was nowhere to be found.
Another five minutes passed, and finally I saw something when looking down an unfamiliar road. There was someone walking right under a lit street light, and after turning the corner and noticing the torn up sneakers, I knew it was J.
I hadn't planned what I was going to say, hell, I had no clue. All I cared about what stopping him and demanding to know why the hell he was leaving so suddenly.
I parked next to the curb a few feet from J and jumped out, the rain instantly pouring down on me. But I didn't care.
His back was towards me and he was still walking fast, so fast that I had to run a little bit just to catch up.
"Hey!" I yelled, my voice cracking. I hadn't realized it, but the entire time I drove I was sobbing.
He didn't move, just kept walking forward. Maybe he didn't hear me, I thought and continued to walk behind him, trying my best to keep up.
"J!" I screamed, feeling my hot tears warm my cold cheeks as they fell.
He didn't move, why wouldn't he fucking stop?
"Jaxson!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, stopping in my tracks as I saw him do the same.
He didn't speak, he didn't move. His back was still towards me and I desperately wanted him to turn around so I could look at his face, his face that I already missed so much.
I've never called him by his real name before, I never even thought to until this moment. I had to get him to stop, and to my own surprise it worked.
"Don't call me that." He hissed under his breath, but I heard him clearly.
"You left me!" I changed the subject, yelling over the sound of the heavy rain and occasional booms of thunder.
He finally turned around to look at me with angry eyes and chattering teeth.
"Go back home." He demanded with clenched fists.
"No." I replied, stepping closer just as he stepped back. "How dare you leave me without a single goodbye or an explanation! Do I not deserve something as simple as that?" I cried, hating that he had this power over me. For all I knew he was dying to leave and get away from me.
"I left for you." He replied, his wet hair falling down over part of his eyes. "You think I wanted to do this?"
"Obviously you wanted to! That's why we're here right now." I waved my hands in my air, welcoming the fresh tears that continued to fall down my cheeks to warm my skin that felt as cold as ice.
"What the hell do you want from me? To play sleepover with you in your bedroom every night? I'm done with that. You have your life and I have mine, I should have never gone with you." He spat, attempting to turn around but I grabbed his arm to stop him.
"You don't get to tell me what I want or what I'm feeling! I don't want to keep you with me like that, I just want you to be safe. And I know you're not okay out here by yourself, especially not after what happened." I squeezed his arm and looked up at him, watching as the rain drops trickled down his cheek to his lips.
Judging by his silence I knew that he knew I was right. His eyes held fear, fear of the unknown and what could happen to him if he continued to wander out on his own like he was.
"And," my throat felt as if it were closing up as I tried to tell him what I wanted to say next. I had to get it out though, for it was weighing me down and killing me each second that I held it in for. "I can't be without you." I whispered, still looking up into his eyes that were now softened instead of hard like stone.
His lips parted to speak, but no words came out.
"I can't be without you because I'm too deep in love with you." I told him as I felt myself gain an ounce of bravery that I knew wouldn't last long.
His eyes widened at my words, and I wanted so badly to hear the same words fall from his lips, but first I had more to say:
"I know I'm not much," I blinked rapidly and swallowed a forming lump in my throat that felt as if it were growing. "I know I'm probably not like what you're used to, but I swear to god I'll be here for you until you tell me you don't want me. And if you don't, at least let me try again to find somewhere for you to go." I cried while feeling his thumb wipe away at my fallen tears. I was afraid to look into his eyes, for I feared disappointment and rejection from the man that I cared so deeply for.
"I'm sorry," I shook my head after a few moments of deafening silence, knowing then that he couldn't have felt the same. I was an idiot.
"I shouldn't have said-" I was interrupted as I felt J slowly take the glasses off of my face, and before I could even think about what was happening his lips were crashed against mine.
I was in complete shock. The heavy feeling in my chest instantly vanished, and it was like I was new again. Free.
I smiled against his mouth as he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue past my lips in the most perfect way.
I then moved my hands to his wet hair, pulling him closer towards me like I've been craving to do for days on end. Besides the cold, it was absolutely perfect. All of our problems seemed to be gone and out of sight for that time being, and the only thing I could think about was how much love I had for him.
"Let's go to your car, yeah?" He whispered against my lips with his hands now on my waist, pulling me closer to his chest. And even that didn't feel close enough..I had to be closer.
I simply nodded and closed my eyes as he pressed his lips against mine again, just as hard and passionate as the first time. It was like this moment had been built up over time and was finally being let out into the open like it was meant to. And hell, maybe our two entirely different worlds crashing together wasn't some crazy coincidence after all, maybe it was meant to happen.
Maybe he truly was who I was meant to find.
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A/N
I was going to make this into two chapters, but I think I've kept you guys waiting long enough. ;) Next update coming soon! Already working on it. xoxoxo
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