[Lamarr]

The syrupy smell of maple lingered below my nose, waking me up from a nine hour slumber glutted with nothing but a bunch of wack ass dreams. They were the same dreams that'd been harassing me for the last two nights and every time I woke up from them I was left disgruntle as hell. I'd turn over on my side only to stare at my phone for some minutes, right before checking my lock screen to see if the latest person I was at odds with had called. Every morning though there were zero; only texts and email alerts all linked to business or Mike Shaw. That alone would have my mood shot before 12 P.M. and stood as a warning that the rest of my day would dwindle from there.

Today, however, was already catching me by surprise with its choice to unfold a bit differently. Starting with the shades in my bedroom that had been opened wide, allowing the radiant beams of the sun to tear through my eyelids until I couldn't bare it any longer. And that sweet scent, it had me kicking my legs over the edge of the bed and from the comfort of my tousled sheets, completely ignoring my phone as I followed it to its source: the kitchen. 

Just like the array of appetizing aromas that bone rushed me as soon as I stepped foot out of my bedroom's doorway suggested, she busy was cooking up a storm. One that was awakening a rumble in my stomach with every step I took down the hall, only to find her hunched over the stove with her hair pinned up and glasses resting at the tip of her nose.

The image reminded me of when I was a kid. My brother and I would race each other to the dining room table and wait patiently to see what mama had stirred up this time, even if we knew it was bound to be the same meal from yesterday. Seeing her ripping and running from the fridge and to the oven like superwoman was exciting to us, but not as much as the connecting we did when she finally placed the dishes of food onto her favorite floral placemats and sat down to ease herself. Our little family and the moments she shared when we literally had nothing meant a lot to me, and this big ass state of the art loft that lacked that closeness we once shared wouldn't change that either.

"Woman, what are you doing?" I said dazedly as I walked over to my mama's side, pecking her cheek as a smile broke her lips.

"Just making use of what little groceries I'm sure goes to waste every week." she began as she dipped two slices of bread into her infamous 'Kay Kustard' for French toast. "You have a dozen of eggs in there and only two have been used. You also have a pack of unthawed and open bacon, that should actually be frozen and in a Ziploc, spoiling away. What's the purpose of shopping for food if it's going straight to the trash, Lamarr?"

"In my defense, that's the second dozen. The first one I bought with it the other day is gone. Gotta eat boiled eggs for the protein, ma." I claimed with a weak stretch of my arm, giving her a good view of my muscles as I bent it back and flexed. "The bacon however I can't explain."

"Mhm, and how is that protein diet going for you?" she quizzed as her eyes wandered aside to me, peaking over her lenses as she observed the lack of I was busy showcasing. "Never mind sweetie, I've found my answer."

"Aw, dang, That's cold, ma. Real Cold."

"Cole world, right?" The smirk etched into her face combined with her perfectly executed mockery killed my ego and had me shaking my head as I put my arm down and treaded toward the open cabinet with dishes stacked high inside it.

"Clever, very cute, but no." I shot back and grabbed two plates to place aside the stove. "It's crazy though, because I eat a lot yet I have not one clue why I'm slimming down rather than bulking up. I stay dribbling a ball every chance I get too, so these results aren't matching up or making sense to me."

"Do you lift weights?"

"Occasionally."

"Well I see where your problem resides." she tittered as she lowered each piece of toast into the skillet, letting either side marinate in all the excess cinnamon and vanilla before she sprinkled brown sugar like she always used to do.

On the opposite burner were whisked eggs and cheese setting over the heat, while fresh bacon cooled off on another. As if she was doing something out of the ordinary I just stood back leaned against the counter watching carefully as she strategically took heed of everything cooking, not waiting a second too long to start scrambling or to flip the toast just as it became a perfect golden brown. What was even more engaging was how she did it all while still holding a conversation. My mama would forever be a pro at this.

"You have to remember that you've always been lean, Lamarr. Well, except when you were an infant and a bit into your toddler years, but my point is genetics may always keep you on the slim side. Muscles may not be for you."

"When I was on tour for my last album I had a little bit of muscles." I said only to pause momentarily as I hopped onto the counter and recalled the pudge that had begun poking through my black tees that summer. My stylist claimed that black gives the illusion that you're trim, darling  but she left out the part where the article of clothing still has to fit for that to work. Mine didn't.

"Never mind, I take that back. I was eating everything and drinking way too much dark liquor on a regular. My face was kind of fuller too, so that was fat not muscles."

"I figured as much. In your case, eating a bit more is a good thing. Being a functioning alcoholic like you were however isn't. I was so concerned about you."

"As you still are."

"Of course, but now you're in a much better place in your life and you're in the hands of someone I trust and believe knows how to deal with you." she professed, cutting all the burners off. "My job is a bit easier now but the worry will never fade. Speaking of Riley..."

"Was that who you were referring to?" My brow perked up as she glanced my way with a smirk, and nodded as she began decorating our plates. "I think you should know that she's kind of a bad cook, you trust her now?"

"Oh Lamarr." she chuckled.

"I'm for real! Ry can whip up a mean breakfast but I'm left to fend for myself out here come dinner time. All she feeds me is take out and if she does decide to cook, its always nasty ass chicken stir fry."

"Teach her then." she suggested as she snapped her fingers and pointed at the bar top and stools. Funny how I owned this shit but was still being forced by my mother to eat sitting at some kind of table like a normal human would. "I know if I didn't teach you and your brother anything else, I taught you all how to prepare a fair amount of things for dinner, especially since many nights I was too tired from work to do so. You're a smart man Lamarr. Remember what I taught you and utilize it. Besides, cooking together would be a nice way for you two to communicate and bond closer in your union."

"Sounds like some Cosmo magazine advice."

"Well it'll be useful to you since Mike called and told me about the little spat you had with her and Ib the other day. Have you resolved that?" she asked and waited patiently for a response as we both walked over to the bar and sat down on either side.

As we remained seated in an overwhelmingly tense silence, her clutching both a knife and fork tightly as she cut away at her French toast, I made a mental note to smack that nigga the next time I see him. Mike likely believed that he was helping me out by playing the middle man this time around, but in actuality he was just throwing me completely under the fuckin' bus. Kay Cole had been preparing herself since the minute he told her whatever he told her, to come to New York and tell me about myself, and ironically I was now preparing myself to deal and accept it all whether I wanted to or not.

"I-I uh, nah. I haven't yet." My voice trembled as I peered up at her through my lashes and caught a glare that could kill. "Bu—"

"No buts Lamarr," she interjected. "Now tell me what all happened."

"Mike didn't tell you already?"

"No, he just said that you got into it with those two and to ask you what exactly happened. Whenever you get into it with someone the outcome is never good, so?" I sighed, stabbing my fork into my eggs then shrugged as my mind went into rewind mode and began replaying it all verbatim.

"You already know about the whole Damon thing, and well, Ib is helping him release his album now. An album we both swore would never see the light of day. It's not right, but we were both initially disgusted with what he did, me more because I was directly affected by the whole thing. It never crossed my mind that restricting him from doing anything under the label would cost us and put Ib in a difficult position. Honestly speaking, even if it did, I probably wouldn't have cared."

"Anyways, I confronted the two at a studio after snooping around and finally being sure that they were working together. That same night I called Riley, spazzed out on her then I accused her of something. She bucked back though, stepped all over my toes, and to be real mama I don't really know how I feel any more about all of this. Damon basically aired out all my dirt and had me looking stupid, and I guess I deserved that. I deserve everything bad that has happened to me, but yet I'm still pissed that neither Ib or Riley tried to tell me this was going on beforehand. Don't I deserve to feel that way? Or maybe I don't deserve that much. I mean, I would've been mad about it a first but eventually got over it."

"Would you now?"

"With time, yeah" I said confidently and finally began eating my food as my mama pursed her lips and took a bite of her own. "What? I'm serious."

"I don't know if I believe that, Lamarr. And this dirt you say Damon aired out? Explain."

"Do I have to?" That same very much intimidating glare she shot my way before from across the bar top was the only answer I needed. There was no way I was getting out of admitting to everything. Mike knew that too, which is why he left me to tell it all on my own. He left me to throw my damn self under the bus.

"Aight, I'm guilty of a few things, mainly lying but the one thing that did the most damage was my management team having a hand in O not getting signed to a major label for some years now. I never asked questions back then and instead I just let them do whatever they planned to do because my only concern was my own career. I never told anybody about it because I felt bad, and because I wasn't ready to be criticized by anyone else but myself. While I was at that studio Omen admitted that the reason he even slept with Melanie was because he wanted revenge, and part of me can't blame him for that. It only made me want to keep fuckin' him over but still. What goes around comes around."

"You're right about that." she jeered as she continued to feast away at her food, making it her mission to conceal her disappointment. That was the only emotion I saw painted on my mother's face, and along with all these other mixed emotions it was something I felt too. "Does Riley know that you did this to her cousin?"

"No ma'am."

"I figured as much." she bit back before another silence loitered between the two us.

All that echoed in the pits of it, and for what felt like the longest three minutes, were the sounds of silverware scrapping against dishware and the cold gusts of air circulating through and from the vents surrounding every other room. It was so uncomfortable, and knowing that my mother was visibly upset from what I revealed or that she could only respond to it by biting her tongue and staying mute had me sick.

"This is why I worry, Lamarr." she breathed restlessly, shaking her head as her lids closed and before the rest of her words spilled out. "You've always been naturally defensive since you were a little boy. Protective of me and even more yourself, but it wasn't until your middle school years where it took a turn for the worse. You have this tendency to shut people out. You build this wall up and push people away just as soon as you sense danger. That danger, that fear is all in your head, sweetie.

"Ma..."

"No, let me finish. Your behavior has gotten so bad that you can't even see that and you can't see when you're wrong either. Ib and Riley were not trying to hurt you, Lamarr. Why in the world would two people out of the few that you've found it within yourself to trust betray that? I'm sure it's hard for Riley to be caught in the middle of two people she loves dearly, and Ib was simply doing his job. They weren't backstabbing you."

"I hear you."

"I don't think you do. Just so you know, I was the one who invited your father to your homecoming concert." she confessed, though I figured at some point she was the person responsible for it. "You need to take his number from me and speak to him, or you'll forever keep looking for an apology in the wrong places."

"I'm not doing that." I hissed then tossed my fork down against my plate. "Hell no."

"Yes you are. Listen to me when I say that your father left because he was selfish, and I'm noticing that the feelings you harbor inside because of his choices are turning you into him. Your efforts to avoid being hurt again has turned you into the selfish man that he was. Stop hurting others in order to protect yourself, not everyone is out to get you. It's time you've let it out and let it go, Lamarr."

"I'm trying, mama. I've been trying."

"How exactly?" she grilled, leaving not a second for me to answer. "By cursing at your girlfriend and not even giving her a chance to explain herself when she's given you several opportunities to do just that? If she hadn't, you all would still be strangers to each other. Stop doing things and reacting in ways that are beneficial to only you. It's selfish and isn't healthy. Now, Riley deserves an apology and you need to work things out with Ib and at the least speak to your father as well."

There was no debating this with her, and if I chose to disobey her demands she'd only find out and more than likely smack me up a few times. I was never too old to feel the palm of my mother's hand go across my head, never. Therefore I just nodded in agreement to her last statement, more so order, and made sure not to let the rest of breakfast go to waste. I'd get smacked over the head for that shit too.

"The beauty in being a mother." she exhaled as she leaned back and melted into her seat, crossing her rose colored arms across her chest. "You've managed to give me a headache yet I still want to reach over there and hug you. This is all for your own good though, you hear me Lamarr? You're a man now and your heart is genuine underneath all that hurt. I know that, but holding on to the past and not changing your stubborn ways will deaden it and ruin who you've become and who you are to evolve into later. I'm only looking out for you because I love you so much."

"And I love you too, mama." I affirmed with an harmless grin, meaning it with every fiber of my being. "But um, does this mean I'm off the hook now?"

"No, you'll be hearing my mouth and my complaining for the next two days. Now, tell me how you and Ms. Riley are doing. You know, before you went and screwed up."

"We're good. I kind of want to talk to you about that, well us."

"Oh lord, what else did you do?" she teased as my mouth fell open in shock and a chuckle escaped.

"What else? Dang ma, I don't fuck up that much!"

"That my dear can be debated. Now go on, tell me what it is you need to talk about and watch your mouth."

"Right, right." I mumbled then pushed my chair back from the table and stood up to walk over to the couch where my backpack rested.

Inside of it where those same stack of stapled papers I showed Mike last week, and the same ones he advised me to speak with my mother about. All weekend I read over them in the studio and thought about them up on my roof, contemplating if they were all mistakes since the only thing running in my mind were Riley and I's very brief but nasty argument. Now that this talk with my mama had me somewhat thinking in my right mind again and seeing where I needed to right my wrongs, I was back at square one and needing her input. This was the perfect time to do just that and decide what my next move was after I finally cleared the air with Riley.

Once I grabbed the papers and headed back to the kitchen to hand them to her, my first thought was to explain this entire ordeal as her eyes scanned over each page. That would make this a bit easier and maybe understandable for her, and also make me look less irrational.

"Uh, all of those are apartments that I found out in California. They're reasonable in price, located in decent areas that are away from all the chaos I hate so much, but they're also closer to her." I listed as she proceeded to flip through each, taking note of the scribbling and highlights made in every other corner.

"I don't have to be in New York for my career to be successful, and quite frankly since I'm still unmarried with no kids, I'll be content living anywhere as long as the actual residence is up to par. Riley however does have to be on the west coast for her label. She's happy with her decision to move there and the life she's starting there, and I don't want to take that away from her. And I also don't think one should be in a long distance relationship if they don't have to. Moving to California will keep us close, but living in different homes while there will still allow us to have our own lives, space and time apart. That's necessary for personal growth, right?" I wondered out loud as she remained quiet.

"Plus, I travel back and forth between states now, so moving there would be the same. There are plenty of studios there I can use and that I've already used. Then there's always The Champ. On the bright side the lease for this loft is up by December, so money won't necessarily be wasted. I-I just don't want either of us to stress over when will the next time be when we see each other and all the other problems that comes along with being three-thousand miles apart. I just rather be there. So, what do you think?"

My mother's attention had finally landed on me again as my question lingered, and her intense gaze zoomed in as I waited nervously, catching my leg before it began to aimlessly bounce beneath me.

"Because you all are two independents and have your own lives outside your relationship, I don't see the issue. When you were with Melanie she gave up a lot to be with you. She followed you around, she stayed in New York for you and your hobbies became hers. She lost herself in that relationship, and I just don't want that to happen with you and Riley. She's in California for herself and as long as you're sure that you moving there won't hold you back and have you losing who you are for the sake of your relationship, then I don't see the problem. But separate homes Lamarr." she pressed, adding a heavy emphasis on the separate as she shot me a stern look. "You all still need some distance and moving in together when it's still very early in the relationship can ruin things and fast. So, separate homes then yes. You have my blessings."

"I was hoping I did." I said, sighing in relief.

"Tell me, how long have you been thinking about this?"

"The second Riley called me on the night of my Madison Square Garden show and said she wanted to give us a chance."

"You're so smitten." she disclosed and leaned