[Riley]

For a split second I didn't even hear anyone speaking to me. All that was amplifying my ears was the faded out sample of RAMP's Daylight streaming aside a set of drums, and the echoes of Q-Tip's unique and unmistakable voice rapping his second verse of Bonita Applebum over it. I hadn't quite kept track of time since I clocked in but I was sure A Tribe Called Quest had been playing for the last forty minutes and I was sure morning had proceeded me. My attention was far removed from any and everything surrounding me and it only focused on the MacBook illuminated on my desk with a half ass article plastered across it.

My mind was drawing blanks as I called myself burying it into all the possible nouns, verbs, and adjectives that would pad and make it this elaborate article on none other than the legendary Nas himself. The interview covering his upcoming album and business ventures I was able to schedule, and in his words 'killed like I had been doing this shit for years' had been transcribed, yet I couldn't convert it into something worth reading. I refuse to just throw anything together and put not only my reputation but XXL's on the line, and I wouldn't dare embarrass a man of his caliber. So until I got this right and in a way that I was wholly pleased with, I wouldn't leave this desk. The messed up thing about that was as much as I had been trying all this time, I was coming up short. Maybe because there was a list of other things just as important harboring my thoughts, and those wouldn't allow me to lift this writer's block smothering me. Maybe I just needed a break.

"Yeah, Riley you just need a break." I mumbled to myself as I slouched back into the leather chair my ass was slowly falling asleep in.

"Riley! Did you hear me?"

"Huh? I-I didn't even see you there." Vanessa was leaned against the wall adjacent to my desk as her brows furrowed and she grew worried with the current state I was in; disorientated and practically holding a conversation with myself. Clear sign of a maniac.

"I said, you do realize that the party going on outside this cubicle you've been hiding in since eight this morning is for you, correct?"

"Oh yeah." I uttered and nodded my head swiftly. "Of course I do, I'm just trying to get this article done so that I can do the two reviews I promised you."

"Honey, you have tomorrow and the weekend to write those. If anything you can just send them to me late and I can fill your columns in with a piece from one of the other writers. You're supposed to be celebrating with your coworkers. What is really wrong?"

What is that obvious that my life was a bit overwhelming? I bet it was written across my face and shown in my actions on a regular.  "Can I be honest with you, Vanessa?"

"Please do so." she pleaded before she walked over to my desk and took a seat on the corner of it.

"I'm so worn out. Everything is happening so fast. I'm dealing with this wedding, moving, and the latter alone is an entire new territory I'm not sure I'm ready for as I was before. I have work here to do, I'm assisting two people in producing an album and there are a few internal demons gnawing me too. I suppose since I signed up for it all I have to deal."

"Yes, that is true." she said, shrugging nonchalantly. "But that doesn't mean you can't take breaks here and there. Give yourself moments to breathe and take your time. If you're feel you're rushin-"

"I'm not." I retorted back quickly, making her chuckle at my effort to prove how sure I was of these sudden choices I had made as of recently. Some days I wasn't certain with them, but on those where I was you couldn't argue me down.

"Okay, well if you're ready to take these next major steps in your life then do it. But don't pressure yourself. As I mentioned previously, this work can be delayed if you need more personal time. It doesn't matter when you finish, I'm still going to publish them."

"I'm glad to hear that, and thank you for listening and giving me that advice."

"No problem, Riley. You're one of my favorite people here so I have to look out for you. Which is why I planned this huge party with your favorite hip-hop and soul musicians playing. There are a crap load of balloons out there, a table of food, a gigantic cake and gifts too. Your coworkers and I bought you gifts, girl! If you don't get your little ass out there and have fun." she lightheartedly scolded as I laughed and finally took a glance at how the hallways and remaining parts of the office were in fact decorated. They literally did it all while my head was stuck in space and my eyes were glued to this screen.

Now I could hear the album People's Instinctive Travels and Paths of Rhythm playing clearly. Nothing was dim and muffled as my senses had done to every single facet around me just minutes ago. I was now alert and going to try to enjoy as much of this day that God permitted before it took a turn and became intense once again.

"You all really pulled out the old school playlists on Apple Music, didn't you? Y'all better have some Erykah on there, and Rakim."

"We do, we do. Your faves Baduizm and Mama's Gun are on one of them and I'm sure Rakim is up next. Thank Dan, he's the one who was responsible for playing DJ today. He made some playlists but he also brought in his record player. "

"Wait, he's spinning? Get the hell out!" I exclaimed, almost shocked at her statement. "I have to see this."

"Well get up from this claustrophobic cubicle and come out into civilization." Vanessa teased as she got up from my desk. "You've been hiding enough."

"That sounds good right about now, actually." I admitted before saving the document open on my desktop and closing my MacBook halfway. Once I finally stood from my seat and stretched, finding myself breaking away from the dull yet stressful mood and sullen aura that had sucked me in like quicksand, I was of course reminded by it that I still had to pack my belongings scattered about.

"Damn. Vanessa, I'll be out there in like ten minutes. I need to gather my stuff together before I leave out of here."

"Riley Coleman, bring your ass now before I call the security crew on duty to escort you out to this party." As I figured, she wasn't going for the okey doke that would more than likely result in me sitting back at my desk attempting to write again. 

To assure that I actually followed behind her, she gently grabbed my arm and practically dragged me to where I spent most of my afternoon; in the company of people who had grown to appreciate me, my work and had opened my eyes to a many of other pathways my career could go. Though my time here at XXL was winding down, I appreciated them for giving me a chance, but I was on to something bigger and better.

It was time to start a new chapter of my life.

———–

"So I'm going to Jungle City first then about two hours following my drop off, I'll need to head back to my apartment. After that you're free my love."

"I hear you loud and clear Ms. Coleman." Marco gave me his typical grin through the rear view mirror as he switched into traffic with his usual ease.

This man knew me so well. He had the faint tunes of Maxwell's greatest hits crooning in the background and it just about exhausted me into a nap as I leaned my head against the window and dreaded my next move. He knew I needed this, a trip around the city that would give me brief clarity and some good 'ol music to settle me as I took on a hurdle known as my phone head on.

I was starting to hate this damn thing.

Like usual it had been sending me alerts left and right, most of them being important while a few were text messages from Leslie, of course. It seemed as though she was the only person who kept in contact with me damn near twenty-four seven, and it was becoming annoying. She had her reasons of course. Mainly that August fourth was around the corner, four days actually, and there were a list of things that I needed to get done if a wedding was going to happen. 

Les was aware of the other tasks I had under my belt so she promised to assist me as much as possible. That was generous of her but what I needed was a damn wedding planner to do this instead. With this all being done under such a short notice though, that wasn't possible. It didn't make sense either since the ceremony itself wasn't that large and didn't call for what a wedding planner would charge. Regardless of size, it amazed me how this was still stressful and as much as Les swore she'd help, she actually wasn't. Every other text or call was only to inform me that I needed to do this or I needed to help do that.

Reflecting on it all had my chest swelling while my gut began fluttering all over again. It was a daily thing now for the last two months and all it took were reminders alone to have me digging around for a Xanax and sometimes swallowing it dry as I was at this second.

"Typical day, Ms. Coleman?" Marco's eyes trailed back to me as the truck stopped at a red light, allowing pedestrians to float by. I simply nodded knowing where this conversation was headed.

"Typical day, Marco." I muttered as a sigh lingered after.

Over these last couple of weeks, the two of us have found ourselves deepening our friendship. There was always something along our path to where he was scheduled to drive me that would spark the most random conversations. That or he would observe my behavior and take heed of the mood I was in, then spark up dialogue accordingly. This was typical for us prior to now but there were things he officially knew that I hadn't even told my friends yet. This black Tahoe had become a confessional and Marco was this angel in my eyes who knew just what to say and how to absolve the secrets I'd admit to. Some of his advice I didn't care to hear but I needed to hear it.

I adored Marco for this because he was one of the most sincere people I've ever met and he genuinely cared about my well-being. People like him didn't come around often, mainly because they didn't exist in this tainted world, but with however much time we had left together I'd cherish these in depth conversations and him.

"It gets better though, right?"

"It always does." he assured lending me a sympathetic smile. "You get anymore packing done? I told you if you needed any help I'll assist you."

"And I told you there is no need for that. I'll handle it myself."

"You know Ms. Coleman, you have a big ego."

"Do I now?" I was inching to pick my phone back up and respond back to an email that had caught my eye but this declaration Marco was about to expound on was a bit more interesting.

"You do," he began as he slowly pulled off. "I've been driving you for almost two years now and I've noticed that you don't like taking help when it's given to you, you're right while everyone else is wrong and I've noted that you're stubborn. You, my tough cookie, don't let up easy. Even if people prove your reasoning to be wrong."

"I've heard this all before, so I guess I do have a big ego."

"But that's not always a good thing."

"How so?" I questioned as my eyes gazed out of the window and sized up the buildings and billboards I had probably seen hundreds of times. While Marco practically told me about myself, I'd listen but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing my face while he did it. He was always right in these cases but he'd never know that.

"Well for one, being stubborn isn't healthy. You're just stressing yourself out, not the people who offer to help you when they see it's evident you need it. I've overheard many of your phone calls with your loved ones, not that it was on purpose." He insisted as I chuckled lowly and shook my head. "But sometimes you shut them down completely. The other day Leslie was telling you about flowers, correct?"

"Mhm." My eyes were rolling in a circle. Now he had evidence of my unwillingness to be flexible.

"You debated back and forth with her about the colors. She ordered teal blue and you cursed her out because you just knew you told her tiffany blue. I heard the initial conversation about the colors of these flowers and you indeed told her teal blue. It might have been a mistake but you said it. After all that arguing you were so upset because you had to take on the job yourself when you were the one who was actually wrong."

"You have good ears Marco." I confessed, being impressed with his accuracy. "Remind me not to talk on the phone around you for here on out."

"For you I will, but you have to hear this last one."

"Fine, lay it on me." I slurred out lowly as if he wouldn't do it anyways. By now we had caught up with another red light and on the corner a billboard I had never noticed, maybe because it was brand new, had riveted my attention.

This was the third billboard of Lamarr I had seen in the city. One was hanging over Times Square, the other in the heart of Queens and now this one. Each time that I saw a variation of the photo where he stood tall, finessing his 6'3 frame in those loud boots and that flattering green jacket, I couldn't help but beam brightly at it. 

It was probably due to the irony of him being on top of his childhood home in red boots to be exact. That in itself brought Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz to mind who swore there was no place like home in her own red shoes, followed by memories of when I witnessed him take the photo. It might have even been the fact that at the bottom of it his name flexed in bold white lettering and was right aside the words Madison Square Garden. I was proud every time I saw it and even more happy for him. Lamarr spoke one of his wildest dreams into existence and I was starting to hate myself for not being there to share it with him.

Again, it was these damn reminders that would flip my mood. In the midst of all the other crap, I was reminded that some of the choices I had made this year and was about to make were probably mistakes. Now the pleased smile that had managed to creep upon my face had fell into a frown and Marco noticed, as he does everything.

"That is what I'm getting to next." he murmured as he glanced into the back seat and examined the place my eyes settled and the expression on my face. "Why haven't you called him? He should know about everything that has happened in your life recently. You said he was your friend, remember? Friends know these things."

"Nothing is ever that simple with me and that man."

"It can be, you just won't let it." he shot back making my eyebrow rise. "You love him, everyone knows it but you're not allowing yourself to see it like we do. You're not allowing yourself to feel it. What's stopping you, Riley?"

Marco had never called me by my first name, is was always Ms. Coleman. So hearing that right after his tough love of words let me know he was serious. I could only clear my throat before I formulated a response that fit my sentiments exactly.

"My fears more than anything and they're probably the most ridiculous fears to have. Plus you know what all is happening with me at the moment. Lamarr is doing so well right now and there is no need to reach out and intrude at this point. I can admit to fucking us up, maybe even for good the last time we were in each other's presence, and because of that I'll let him be and just deal."

"You don't know how he feels because you haven't spoken to him since. Stop being so pigheaded and find a way to talk to Mr. Cole before it's too late." I wanted to speak up and argue against his suggestion but there was no reason to. I didn't have the energy to create an excuse and drag on this one sided discussion. I just let his advice go in one ear and eventually we'd see if it'd go out the other with my decision. 

"I'm done ranting this afternoon, I'm sure you hear it enough."

"Honestly, only from you. Les and Donny occasionally get on my ass but they don't care to deal with my stubbornness."

"How about that therapist of yours?"

"Speaking of him, Dr. Washington sent me an email earlier this morning. I haven't read it yet but I'm sure he's just checking in." I seized my phone, that had fresh email and text bubbles lit across the screen, from beside my purse then unlocked it to see the greeting of his email. "Our last session was in February and now look. I probably need to see him again with the way I'm dealing."

"Well don't mind me, tell him how everything is going. I'll just go back to getting you to this studio." 

And I didn't. My eyes were now lingering along the rest of the words of Dr. Washington's letter that was so thoughtfully written. He was another person that came into my life and alike to Marco was this angel. He always reminded me so much of my father, and in every line I began reading he proved to me that off the clock, he didn't mind being that.

Riley,

Meeting you has been quite the experience. I don't think I've ever met such a determined, independent, emotional, stubborn, at times confused yet tough young woman as yourself. The moment you came into my office under the pressure of your two best friends back in the beginning of 2014, I knew I'd have a challenge on my hands. You took a while to open up, you even stopped coming to sessions, but once you were wheeled back in you showed me how special you were. You opened up and was honest with not only me but to yourself. You faced several fears in your path that you swore to me you'd never ever face, and look at you now. Not many of my clients have your determination, especially when they are steadily knocked down and held back as many times as you were.

I'm so glad to hear about the many blessings that have been bestowed upon you and I'm even happier to know you're taking them head on. This new chapter may be challenging and so will whatever life throws in your way but always remember what I taught you. Remember our sessions, remember your random bursts into my office when you felt like you were caving in and keep pushing. 

The sky's the limit, Riley and any other session I would have told you to follow your brain, common sense that is. But in your case always follow that big heart of yours. Open it up and don't be afraid to keep it open. Life is a lot more beautiful when you allow yourself to feel the phases of it and the emotions that come along with it. I know that you're resilient enough to handle whatever it has in store. Never be afraid to contact me. I'm always one call, email, or conventional letter away.

Much love,

Dr. Washington.

I couldn't help but read the letter over and over again until I took it to heart and could muster up the right words to describe just how much it meant to me. Whether Dr. Washington was aware of it or not, I'd hold onto this letter forever, and I knew these would be some of the exact philosophies my father would've given me. That made it even more valuable.

Once send was pressed and the email was cleared, I then exited the back door that was wide open and headed inside the doors of Jungle