[Riley]

I was certain that I was the only person in Queens or better yet in this new era that still owned a home audio system, one that included a cd and cassette player. My father bought it sometime in the '90s, more than likely during my middle school days, and much to my surprise it managed to make it all the way through to 2011. I've been known for years now to be quite the music head, and every song and artist I have grown to love and fixate over were first heard from the speakers of this now antique stereo. There were so many memories tied to it and maybe that was the reason I couldn't see myself disposing of it anytime soon. Until it finally dies and can no longer contribute to my addiction, I wouldn't dare turn to the likes of Bose players or these popular Beats by Dre everyone are collecting now a days. This gem was it for me.

The album Mahogany Soul, another gem of mine, crafted by none other than Angie Stone was the only thing I had on rotation at the moment. It was the only album in my collection that I was sure would set this precise tone that strangely I couldn't put into words this Saturday evening. I just wanted to come down from the high leveled stress my job on the regular gives me, and be so buried in peace that cleaning the mess of clothes and shoes I had scattered all over the place wouldn't seem like a hassle. I just wanted to transcend the current mindset and universe I settled in if it were possible and on to alternate ones. Ones that would fulfill this indescribable tone I wanted swarming me. Angie was doing the job though, her voice and lyrical perfection were doing the trick. 

Somehow I was moving from either side of the room, sometimes my eyes were closed others open, swamping clothes and shoes on hangers and into boxes while each song played like an auto book. Hell, I was so sucked into her that I didn't even notice the company that had plopped across my bed. This man had made visiting me unannounced a bad habit of his and wasn't even aware of it.

"Holy shit!" I shrieked as my hand clutched my chest and the blouse within it tightly, while he just remained unbothered by the shock his presence had put me in. "Why do you insist on doing stuff like that?"

"You know, you should restart this song and sing it for me. I'm not gone act like I didn't hear you angelically humming along over there."

"And then he ignores my question..." I mumbled with a roll of my eyes, going back to my systematic process of hanging these last few blouses up. "What brings you here Goliath?"

"You."

"Okay then, what else brings you here?"

"Damn, I can't come visit my best friend whenever I have a desire to now?" Lamarr sat up from the duvet he had briefly gotten cozy on and held his chest dramatically, just as I had a minute ago. "I'm a little hurt by this unwelcoming vibe I'm getting. You know the routine, Smurfette. So I'll act like you ain't ask that question and ignore this tension." he added, keeping his charades going.

"You make me sick, you know that?" The moment he saw the plastic hanger fly from my hand toward his face, Lamarr grabbed it just in time and smirked back at me.

"It's my pleasure. Seriously though, I wanted to come see you before I left for LA tomorrow morning."

"Already?" I asked being a bit disappointed that he was leaving again. It seemed like he had just came back from the west coast last week.

Now that Lamarr was pushing for his debut album to release in September that meant he had to spend all the months prior to it as preparation. That included flying all over the country doing radio interviews, some kind of mini promotional tour or any other thing under the sun that would spread word about Cole World: The Sideline Story. Might I add I took pride in being one of the first to even know the official title of his first self-proclaimed 'baby', and even more the growth I was witnessing in his art.

That still didn't stop me from being a bit selfish. When Lamarr did find himself in New York and available, he always locked himself in a studio recording and producing for the next album. I hated to be that woman, that friend that was clingy and always under him so I'd let him be, nevertheless I kept my fingers crossed for the moment he'd give me some of that free time. I wanted to be around him as much as I could without any record label and managers interrupting, and with days like this one Lamarr tried his best to make sure my unspoken need was satisfied.

"Yeah, it's always something these days. Except for today of course." He reminded me.

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better." I forced out with a bogus smile while his long arm reached out to pull me between his legs.

"Come on, don't make me feel bad. I hate leaving you behind because as much as I hate to admit it, but I will admit it, you keep me grounded...maybe even sane."

"Is that so?" My offhanded question didn't really need an answer but he gave one in return anyway. It was a simple nod that followed with a boyish grin spreading across his face, and his frigid fingertips trailing themselves along the stretch of my thighs. His touch had me holding my breath and trying with every fiber within me to ignore the immediate rush of butterflies that were fluttering in my gut. I was trying to ignore the single chill he sent up my spine as well. I simply hated how Lamarr made me lose my composure, and I could only wonder if he sensed that he did. There was a shift in the way we maneuvered around each other, or maybe just how I maneuvered around him; there was more warmth. A more intimate and sensual one to be specific. It was obvious to me from the way we talked to each other, the way we touched each other, and the way my friendly feelings for him slowly grew into something deeper. Question was is it obvious to him?

"Well then," I said trying to move myself from the trap he had made around me with his legs. "I guess I'll stop with the attempts to make you feel like an ass. I just kind of miss you."

"I miss you just as much." he reassured before pulling me back and down onto his lap. My god, could he chill right now? I needed some space before I found myself having an urge to kiss him or...lord.

"How about we just enjoy this short period of time we have with each other, and you sing me that song like I asked when I first came in here? Hmm?" he asserted with a wiggle of his coarse eyebrows that only made me laugh.

"Why do I have to sing to you? Are you going to write a rap about me and perform it for me? Hmm?" I questioned wrapping my arm around his shoulder.

"Write a rap? I'm asking you to sing a song that's already written. You asking for more!"

"Oh, so I don't deserve a personally written rap now? Wow that hurts Cole, you hurt my feelings." I accused with a pout of my lips, taking an underhanded stab at making him feel bad one way or another.

"Nah, don't do that baby face, pout shit with me. Just sing the song please...now." He firmly threw in after. Neither one of us were going to submit until the other did, so he should just go ahead and play his part and make this easy on us both.

"Okay, but are you going to write me a song or...?"

He sighed heavily sounding defeated then shrugged. I took that as a sign of him surrendering whether he meant it now or not. "Fine, whatever. I'll figure something out, just sing the song for me."

"I'm glad we could negotiate, sir." I smiled, tapping my finger on the tip of Lamarr's nose making his face scrunch up. "What is your fascination with this one in particular and me singing it anyways?"

"I love your voice and this song is endearing, but only if I hear it come from you and not Angie Stone."

"You've never heard me sing though Goliath."

"I've heard you hum and it sounds amazing, so I want to hear your real voice." He admitted as a matter-of-factly, reaching beside the both of us to restart the song with the remote to the sound system. "Now go."

The production of Brotha began playing from the speakers and that alone made me nervous. What Lamarr didn't know was that I've never sung in front of anyone; not crowds, not my father, Damon, my friends, no one. My voice was a mystery to everyone yet everyone assumed I could sing. Maybe it was because I had a talent in songwriting, I was obsessed with music, and like Lamarr many probably heard me humming at some point in time. That didn't have to mean that I was a vocalist or even good for that matter. But this man here, he swore I was and he was correct. That however didn't mean I was content in randomly being put on the spot and singing for anyone. Without even knowing it Lamarr was pulling me out my comfort zone, the comfort or keeping my voice to myself.

The entire first two verses had passed along with the almost three minutes I had been sitting on Lamarr's lap without crooning a word. I knew if I didn't open my mouth before this song ended he would just restart it and wait. Therefore I needed to just suck up this fear and give him what he asked for.

"Come on Ry," he nearly whispered as I closed my eyes to calm myself. The gentle squeeze of his grip on my waist was what did it. That was what made me release the breath I had held for the second time now but unconsciously, and sing a few words that I hoped resonated to Lamarr as much as they did to me when the left my mouth.

You mean so much to me, you give what I need. I'm so proud of you.

I love you for staying strong, you got it going on. I'm so proud of you.

Going through thick and thin, brotha you're gonna win. I'm so proud of you.

Whenever you're facing doubt, brotha gone work it out. I'm so proud of you.

The fact that I had made it through a few lines and was confident with how they sounded was the only reason I finally opened my eyes, only for them to lock with Lamarr's. I suppose he had been staring at me the whole time as he was before I closed them. But the look, almost a sparkle, a twinkle within them that showed admiration heartened me to keep singing, and mean every bit of what she wrote but I felt.

Black Brotha, I love ya. I will never try to hurt you.

I want ya to know that, I'm here for you, forever true.

Cause you're my black brotha, strong brotha. There is no one above ya.

I want ya to know that, I'm here for you, forever true.

The song wasn't over and neither were we. Lamarr and I both held eye contact as I added a variation of different harmonies and melodies to match Angie's own, and impromptu lines personalized and dedicated for and to this brotha himself. Based off the crooked teeth forming a perfect beam on Lamarr's face, I figured he was pleased with the mini concert I was giving him. We both were swaying from side to side as the song mellowed out, but we both still kept going. I was still singing, this time on my own while his amateur beat boxing replaced the original production. With one more run I was bringing this tune to an end and giving Lamarr a piece of me I never gave anyone. As cliché and stomach turning as it sounded, I had given Lamarr a special place in my heart. He already had it but these words were like the stamp to make it permanent and he didn't even know it. I hadn't myself until now.

Cause you're my black brotha, strong brotha. There is no one above ya.

I want ya to know that, I'm here for you, forever true.

"Yooo that was beautiful Riley!" Lamarr cheered as he struggled to golf clap his hands as his arms stayed enfolded around my waist.

"It was alright." I dismissed with a shake of my head.

"Shut up, it was incredible. Why don't you just become a singer and songwriter? I mean, you sound better than some of the females signed to these major labels out here now."

"Because God didn't intend for that to happen." I stated jokingly.

"Please woman, don't bring him into this. Seriously Ry your voice is stunning and I honestly can't wait for the day I get to witness your success. I mean that sincerely from the bottom of my heart...you're amazing."

Not only was he clever with the rhymes he created but he was charming with these words I prayed were nothing but the honest truth. This was how Lamarr got my heart to race full speed and how he got me to fall for him every time we spoke and were in each other's space. For what seemed like the fiftieth time tonight, I was feeling those butterflies again and I needed to find a way to diffuse them before I acted out on the urge that was once not quite present.

"You deserve an Oscar. That corny line you just pulled on me was almost believable." He glanced down, shaking his head then chuckled as he looked up and into my eyes once again.

"Why did that have to be fake? What if I genuinely meant every word, then what? To be real here, you're the one that deserves an Oscar. Tryna act like what I said didn't faze you." He teased causing me to smirk as he did the same.

"Me? Oh please sir, you can't read me that well so don't flatter yourself."

"Right. Then why are you blushing?" He quizzed. "Why you trying so hard not to smile like you know you want to? Just say, 'Thank you Lamarr, I appreciate your honesty and I pray you're around to see me prosper too'. Just say it baby girl."

"Fine, I appreciate your honesty and you pray you're around to see me prosper. I'd love if you were too." I admitted, shrugging my shoulders as if what I said was no big deal.

"And?"

Sometimes I learned to just submit to him even if it wasn't a two way street. He had read right through my facade anyways.

"And I deserve an Oscar."

"I deserve an Oscar. I mean if I should say so myself." Dr. Washington seemed a bit struck by my sudden interruption of what turned out to not be the appointment of another client. Instead he was seated at his desk, head hunched over a stack of documents as he read and signed off on each separate form then placed them aside. It was evident from the expression he gave me while peeking through the top of his eyeglasses, and the still ambiance of his office that Dr. Washington wasn't expecting anyone at the moment and perhaps not until my arranged session later this afternoon. At the rate my mind was running though, I couldn't wait any longer on getting all these countless thoughts off my brain. I needed to bare my problems on someone other than myself.

"Well good morning to you too Ms. Coleman." A tender chuckle was given in return, prompting me to make myself even more comfortable with my intrusion.

"I know I'm not scheduled for another hour...or three for that matter," I rambled on before sitting down in my usual seat during our sessions. "But I needed to see you or someone who could actually help me. Nothing is going as planned and I think something is wrong with me"

"Okay then," he muttered, raising up from his desk seeming a bit concerned. "Well I think you came to the right person. I'm always here to assist you in any way that I can, even if it is sudden."

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Dr. Washington. I-I should've called before I barged in here like some maniac!"

"No, no, no. Riley you're fine, okay?" his question or should I say assertion helped to calm me down but not enough to stop my mind from slowly digging me into more insanity. "Now, tell me what's going on with you? The last time we spoke you seemed as if you were doing exceptionally well."

"I was until I had a relapse. I guess that's what we would call it here even though I'm not on drugs...my god I should be. I need my Xanax...that's the problem." I professed out loud surely meaning to say it privately.

"Okay, slow down and tell me what happened."

"Remember that friend who I told you caused me all that trouble a few years back? The guy I sort of fell for?"

"Oh yes, Lamarr correct?"

"Yes, him." That's when the cloud of blustering feelings started to take over me, or should I say darken since they hadn't went anywhere since I stepped into this office or over the course of these past couple of days. "So, um..."

Dr. Washington nodded, encouraging me to continue on. "I-...dammit. Lamarr and I have been in contact with each other for some time now. I mentioned to you that we crossed paths at a club, but things have been carrying on more than I thought they would. We finally sat down and spoke out our differences with each other and I mentioned that to you too, but after that it seemed like we were constantly bumping into each other. Whether it was in the studio or just on the street, Lamarr and I just couldn't seem to stay out of each other's way. Then my damn job..." I sighed, running my fingers through the roots of my hair out of pure frustration.

"They asked me to write these two articles and I agreed, but out of all the damn rappers in this industry they choose Lamarr to be the one they want a front page article on. So here I am, agreeing to the bullshit thinking I can handle being in his presence almost every damn day. I mean, I wholeheartedly believed that and I was acting as if I did all until we slept together....oh but not before I found out just hours prior he was engaged to the same chick he hid from me years ago!"

"Ouch." he spoke sympathetically trying to cool me down from my rant.

"Mhm, ouch is right. I'm just all over the place because I swore I was okay. I told myself I was okay with doing this article and being around him, but it still hurts and I'm not understanding why? It feels like the fall of our friendship on steroids because now he's marrying this girl. Is it crazy for me to be a bit jealous?" I wondered, trying to make sense of this circle I was going in. "After all these years, after all his crap that I'm sure she put up with, she still gets to marry him. She still wants to marry him?" It almost sounded absurd.

"Elaborate on this jealousy for me a bit more Ms. Coleman. I'm not quite following."

"Maybe part of me feels like the connection Lamarr and I had and still have gives me the authority to believe and this insane idea that maybe I should be married to him instead? That we should actually be together? Yet I don't know much of what their bond is like or what even possessed him to propose to her. They have almost twelve years of history to show for and only God knows what happened during that time that gives her the upper hand over me. It's insane because she should have the upper hand, I mean it's been twelve years but I don't want her to! Then there's Lamarr and I's dismantled and tumultuous ass two years and a month now. It was a rollercoaster ride but I can't lie and say it wasn't sweet and worth it all. I just can't explain what that man does to me and it pisses me off that even now he still has this effect on me. Engaged and all Lamarr is still the guy I want. I just have to suck up the fact and admit to someone that I do want him so badly, but I'll never have him that way. Did any of that even make sense?"

"Yes it did. So tell me, was your agreement to work with him your way of proving yourself? Proving that you can put on a facade and hide how you truly feel for him in an effort to almost push him away, or maybe even make him feel some of the pain you felt?