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[Lamarr]

The gust of air that escaped seconds after opening my closet door began shaping countless trails of goosebumps along my arms and naked chest. It was harmonious with the fresh droplets of water that remained from my shower just minutes ago, sending a chill throughout my entire body and helping this overall serene aura veiling the penthouse.

For the first time out of these past few days of Melanie being absent I was finally, somewhat, enjoying being alone. It felt good to have an entire bed to myself, it was relieving to see a bathroom free of collective hair irons, makeup and other assortment of novelties she depended on. Just the freedom to do anything I wanted and knowing there were no repercussions to it felt incredible, and I valued it. Yet even in those same moments of appreciation I found myself missing her presence and every aggravating thing that came along with it. I missed the home cooked meals, the thought Melanie put into situating things around every room. I missed seeing her heels scattered around this here closet and even her scent. Without her here to spray it every morning as she did before she left for work left our bedroom, closet and bathroom almost bare. I simply missed the existence and touch of a woman. Walking through the closet in search for my clothes and somehow finding fragments of her mixed in, even when we had separate sides wasn't helping the lack of her either.

This ongoing battle of who I wanted to spend my life with might have seemed simple to many, but for me the decision just became even more difficult. Over the course of the last seventy two plus hours of my life, any signs that were pointing to Riley had been shot down. All it took was for her to give me a well needed wake up call, and her defiance to give me any more chances to prove that a future between us was on a long hold or maybe even dead as of now. It wasn't hearing her practically force me back into the arms of my fiancé that did the trick, but instead the realization I came to when she did it. I knew Riley well just like she knew me, so I knew she wasn't dismissing me because she wanted to or because she didn't care about me just as much as I did for her. She was doing it to protect herself.

Who could blame her for that though? I deserved to be given a taste of my own medicine and she deserved to be somewhere, with someone who could do her justice. The way my life was falling into place these recent years I was sure that wasn't me. I wasn't in any place to love her the way I visualized of doing. There was nothing I could provide Riley with that would better her as a woman, but oddly, I believed she had what I needed to do just that for myself.

It was nothing less than ironic that all this unfolded when Melanie and I decided to take time apart from one another to see if our relationship was worth fighting for. To anyone else, this all may have been a clear cut trace to who I was supposed to be with, but just like Riley, I was no good for Melanie either. I was still very much confused about everything and no good for my damn self. Knowing this all, something different in my steps had to change. I had no clue where to start, I knew I'd fuck up per usual, but I was still going to attempt to put to use Mike and Ib's advice and try. No one would probably even take me seriously, but fuck it. We all start off alone and we all start off on our own.

Here was to the possibility of whatever.

"Shit." I mumbled underneath my breath as several shoe boxes fell from a shelf above me. I was still wrapped up in my towel looking for pieces to my attire for the day. The job was never simple with all the shit I owned, some things I've only wore once and was now considered a waste of money. Some of that included my male version of a shoe collection.

I was now picking up and replacing the emptiness of each box with Timbs of every color, Jordan's from every year, and other arrangements of designer foot gear. One particular box though was instead filled with worn, ink smudged papers and other sheets I hadn't seen for some years now. I forgot I had even hid it in the midst of my other shoes and I couldn't even recall why until I began looking through all of it. These were old raps I wrote years ago, a lot of them are known to the world now, but others were written and put away for keeps sake. They were never meant for anyone's eyes but Riley's, yet after our falling out she never got a hold of them. I stashed them away from her, Mel and my feelings at the time.

Among those raps was an old ass article folded up perfectly into a square. It didn't look like I had touched it since the moment Riley gave it to me, and that's probably because I hadn't. As much as I wanted to stop myself from unfolding it now, I couldn't help but do the opposite of that. I was compelled to read this article that Ry had spoken so highly of over Skype that one night in its entirety. I needed to see what it was all about.

"A soulmate..." my eyes began skimming over each paragraph as each sentence tried to make sense of itself in my head. "Someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness." I muttered under my breath.

The longer I stood there and read an unfamiliar air was taking over the space around me now, an uncanny one. It was weird how my life was parallel to the lines of this article the more I read them out loud.

"If you really want to connect with a soulmate, you need to align with your own soul. You need to discover who you are, honor yourself and begin following your heart. When you align with your true self, you are then instantly in the vibration of meeting your soulmate. Alternatively, if you are done with the soul lessons for now and are just looking for a companion to share the rest of your life with, what you want to be asking for, or manifesting is your life partner...." I paused then focused my eyes around the closet at Mel's clothing and other belongings, only to slowly shake my head.

I never believed in horoscopes, astrology or any of this kind of shit. Though I heavily relied on faith in the past and felt there was a plan for our future fated before we were even born, I never strayed pass that. When it came to love and relationships I figured it was what you made of it. Soulmates and all that other shit was man made, and even in my struggle to become one with the God I once believed in, I still wasn't falling for this mess. But it was making sense, way too much sense. It was fitting my life perfectly and I found it odd that Riley had brought this up for jokes back when we first became friend. Now I was here. We were here, watching every word she said to me over her computer screen become reality. Without even realizing it she had foreshadowed our future.

Just as the article published and as Ry said herself, "Soulmate relationships are often not forever, this is because sometimes the relationship can be too intense or there is a certain karmic energy to the relationship that sees it come to a close once the necessary lessons have been learnt."

This all just put new ideas in my head of what to do with myself and my relationships next. Ry had ultimately helped me make that decision, whether she meant it or not, and now I had finalized it.

With that I folded the article back into place and set it aside, then began searching for the letter that was originally attached to it the moment she gave it to me way back when. I remembered it verbatim, the pink memo sheet of paper that Ry strategically placed and wrapped around the article. It protected the document like it was sacred, and it was sealed off with the adhesive of some ugly gold star, while the front clearly read, 'quality shit'. When I saw it I had no choice but to laugh at her mocking and using my own words against me. This was all nowhere in sight though, and unless my eyes were overlooking it, the note wasn't lost in the stack of note book papers in my hand. It was rather lost somewhere else. There were other potentials of where it could have been and whose possession it was now in, but I didn't even want to send myself off like that. I made it up in my mind that I missed it in all the slabs of paper.

Either way, it was looking like in my efforts to move around Riley I was still ending up back at her; she was like square one.

"Come on nigga get dressed. You've got somewhere to be." I said to myself, stacking the boxes away after I finally finished gathering them.

Finding that shoe box took my mind off of what I was initially doing, and with time winding down I grabbed whatever was most relaxed and convenient to put on. With one quick glance around the closet, I clutched the article and a pair shoes sitting on the floor before walking out to the bedroom.

In the search for my phone and wallet, a rattling sound from the front could be heard and it stopped me right in my tracks. For a second it was sounding like someone was playing with the locks and doorknob, actually that's exactly what it sounded like. This wasn't the neighborhood or building for robberies to occur, even though you could never be too sure, so that only left one option. It was Mel.

"Lamarr?" she yelled once the strange sounds seized. "Are you home?"

"I'm here." I replied back, heading into the kitchen for the search of something quick to eat before I left. "What you doing back so soon? Fuck that, why didn't you call me to come pick you up? You didn't have to take a cab home."

"Apparently I wasn't needed for the whole trip in Chicago since my father was there, so I thought I'd come home early and surprise you." Mel answered as she rolled her bags further into the living room, leaving them aside to join me in the kitchen.

"Well surprise," I murmured in a less than staggered tone, finding only a bowl of cereal as something 'quick' to eat. "I thought someone was breaking in for a split second."

"In Tribeca?" she questioned, snatching the box of cereal off the counter to fix a bowl for herself.

"Aye, regardless this is New York. Robberies happen all the time."

"I guess you're right about that. If you should know though, I didn't have to take a cab here. What a coincidence that Damon was on my flight back to Chicago and he had a ride waiting for him at LaGuardia. He offered me to join so here I am." The crunches into my cereal stopped momentarily at the mention of O's name. Something about him was still not sitting well with me, and until I could figure it out everything involving him would be suspicious.

"You saw O in Chicago?"

"No, just on the flight back. Why?" Mel's eyes zeroed in on me as she took a bite of her cereal, just as I did again. I shook my head, disregarding the lingering thought then continued on eating.

"Nothing, I was just asking. How was the trip though?"

"It was good. My dad signed the official property lease forms this time around so that we can start building the stores over on the east coast. Aside from that all he cared about was how much money he had to dish out for our wedding. I didn't want to disappoint him, you and I both know how excited he is to see us finally walk down the aisle, so I didn't really know what to tell him. All I could say was we didn't have the final costs set yet, but to wait on it. I told him that eventually we'd figure it out." Melanie stopped and placed her bowl down on the counter top, sighing heavily as she hopped onto the chair across from me.

"So what are we going to tell him Lamarr? We had time apart from each other to think, and I'm not sure if it was enough because I didn't come to a final conclusion. How can we even make one right now?"

I couldn't answer right off the bat. I didn't want to give Melanie the impression that this had been something I thought about every day since she left for Chicago because it wasn't. There were still vivid ass images of all that happened in her absence playing in my head, and all of the untamed emotions I felt when they happened were slowly but surely simmering down. None of that would allow me to sit up here and disregard our problems then say I would still marry her in some months from now without a doubt. It didn't feel like the smart thing to do anymore. Even if I tried to, these same events that have me disoriented would catch up with me and ruin whatever Mel and I's 'marriage' became of. Crazy they were the same ones combined with other shit that were influencing my next step with Melanie. It may not have been the best one, but if she agreed to it, it would help me clear my mind a bit more and be surer of my next move.

"Mel, I need to be honest with you." I uttered, and that short statement alone shifted the gaze in her eyes. I noticed them dim the longer she stared at me, biting her lip as she waited for me to continue on with whatever I was about to profess to her.

"I've been neglecting you for way too long now. There ain't no acceptable reason or excuse as to why besides the fact that I'm selfish. On top of that there's my disloyalty. There were women you knew about, some you didn't but those choices I made played a part in the way things are now. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I'm far from the man that used to love you, and though its capable for me to love you the same way I did back then, I can't do it unless I change for myself first. I have to get myself together and stop bringing unneeded shit into the relationship when it already needs work."

"So you want to work on yourself?"

"Yeah, but it's not like I'm the only one with issues here Mel." I wasn't about to let her sit here and play the blame game once again.

"Oh, so I'm the reason we're like this now? Wow, Lamarr."

"See you're not fuckin' listening to me. It's the both of us, neither one of us are innocent nor perfect. You have to look at yourself too and fix what's wrong. Let's be real here for a second, Mel. When was the last time we talked about how much you still blame me for a list of shit that ain't right in your life? You wanted to be married, pregnant, in a huge house in the suburbs of Chicago by thirty. Yet here you are with your rapper ass fiancé and none of that."

She shook her head then got up from the chair. "No, we're not doing this."

"Yes the fuck we are," I gritted while grasping her arm to stop her. Her eyes trailed up to my face as she took on the challenge for a staring contest. "Talk to me Melanie or hear me out."

"I'm listening." she expelled while shaking her arm out of the grip of my hand.

"We've been lacking a lot in our relationship and that comes from both ends, and you know this. We're both busy in our own worlds and never found a way to let them cross paths and be one. We could have everything we always wanted if we compromised and satisfied one another's wants and needs. Instead we chose to just exist here and act like the problems aren't there. It just got worse when you lost the baby. I never got over it and you tried to, but we didn't do it together." I paused then let out a sigh before my tongue finally continued on.

 "I wanted her just as much as you did Mel, you have to know that. Why you think I bought all that shit for a nursery or even cried just as much as you did. I just didn't show my pain because I had to be there for you. Now look at me, look at us both. We both have to work on ourselves separately in order for us to understand the people we are now and move forward. This is the only way I can do better toward you. I'm willing to make this work but you have to agree to work on yourself like I will."

"I-I can do that," she said nearly in a whisper. "And if we think we're ready we go on with the wedding, right?

I nodded, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. "Yeah, we go back to premarital counseling for the right reasons which is to prepare for marriage, then we make it official."

"If this doesn't work out?"

There wasn't much thought into what would become of Melanie and I's relationship if we never got married. If we matured for the better then we could remain friends, but I wasn't a fortune teller and I couldn't be sure what the future would hold. It made sense for us to keep that tie due to history, but it all depended on how it ended and if it ended.

"I don't know Mel."

"Well then let's not think about it right now. Let's just see how this evolves and actually put the effort in to better this, and seriously do it. I know I have my own mess going on that I need to work on and that includes forgiving you. You're right about me blaming you for my lack of, but if we actually talked about how we were feeling like we used to I could have it all and you could too. We would both be happy and satisfied. I rather do things this way instead heading straight to the altar and then right down to divorce."

I nodded feeling pleased that we could finally come to terms on something other than ignoring the other's existence. Mel seemed like she was content with the results and choices we came to here unlike that of our sessions. During the course of this we still had to discuss everything we harbored from the other, we still needed to be adults and get to the root of shit in order to fix it. This would stir up a ton of unwanted emotions but it had to be done, and I'd rather do it here than in front of a therapist. If need be we could go back to her, but Mel and I needed to try for ourselves. That was something we never took the chance to do.

"What else happened in Chicago?"

"Nothing much aside from planning to open the new stores and daddy trying to bond more. How were things here? This place is still in one piece so clearly nothing too out of the ordinary." she declared with a smirk.

"Nah, nothing at all." I lied through my teeth as a clip of Ib and I fighting in the same spot of the kitchen resting aside Mel and I, flashed across my thoughts. "XXL chose me to be on the cover of their December issue."

"Really? That is amazing, Lamarr! I know you being on their cover by yourself is something that you've always wanted and you deserve it." I leaned down onto the counter as she leaned against it, and kept that vibrant smile showing nothing but genuine happiness for my small achievement across her face.

"Yeah, I have. Been feeling like I deserved this for years yet someone else always gets it, but now I am. Ending the year off with a bang I guess." I uttered with a chuckle. "They have someone shadowing me during the development of the album. They're going to journal my thinking and writing process, and just everything I decide to share. The person they chose to do it, I know her so this shouldn't be too awkward." 

"Her?" Mel questioned with a raise of her eyebrow.

"Yeah, she's a well known music journalist, one of the best. Guess that's why they figured she should cover  it."

"Mhm," she nodded. "Well if she can get your story across the right way then so be it."

"You gotta chill, Mel. We're working on us, remember?" I replied with a reassuring smile. "We're focusing on this cover story though, they want to publish it around the time the album is released which I think it a brilliant idea. This era is feeling real special right about now."

"I see that," she said, leaning off the counter to get up and walk over to the fridge. "So that means you've been getting most of it done then?"

"Yeah but I think I want to rerecord some of the songs."

"Why so? Isn't that more work for you?"

"Yeah but my head wasn't in the right place when

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