twenty-two | first draft

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Cooper lays in his bed, staring at the bright red numbers on the alarm clock next to him. Eight in the morning is too early, but it's especially too early when you know you're going to die soon. There isn't a time that feels late enough to convince yourself to get out from under the warmth of your covers.

After a quick battle with his conscience, he forces himself out of his bed and makes his way towards the bathroom for a shower. He stops in his tracks when he spots the familiar notebook on his dresser.

Knowing that nothing good can come from looking at the notebook, he continues towards the bathroom. He stops once more when temptation gets the best of him, sending him back in the direction of his bedroom. When his hand wraps around the edge of the book, he hesitates, but still he grabs it off the dresser and takes a seat on the end of his bed.

He stares down at the object in his hands for a while, having another debate with himself about the effect this may have on his mental state. Deciding that it can't get much worse anyway, he turns to the very back of the notebook and begins reading the list he'd wrote weeks before.

He stares back down at the list, tears welling up in his eyes as he rereads the words "If I had more time." His eyes scan over the page once more and before he has a chance to overthink it, he's reaching for a pen to make an adjustment to the list.

He slams the notebook shut, sloppily tossing the pen and it back onto the dresser before finally making his way to the shower.

The bouquet of flowers in Ellie's hand feel heavy along with her steps as she makes her way towards her grandmother's grave. She stares down at the pink flowers, wondering if she got the right color or if her grandma would hate them. Knowing her, she'd probably smile even if she did hate the color.

A chill runs down Ellie's spine as she walks through the cemetery. The few times she'd visited Cooper at work play in her mind as she passes the grave of Ernie—the dead man Cooper once called his 'buddy.' Despite all her attempts at getting the boy out of her thoughts, he's always there. Just when she thinks she may be able to forget, something small and miniscule grabs her attention and he's on the forefront of her mind once more.

Eventually, she finds her grandmother's grave. The paved in words 'Willa Moretti' stare back at her like a hard slap to the face—reminding her of the finality of her grandmother's death.

Ellie stands, staring down at the grave for a moment before deciding to take a seat on the grass beside it. With her legs crossed over one another, she sets the bouquet down and glances up at the sky.

"I'm not sure whether I look up or down," she mumbles, laughing quietly to herself and returning her gaze to the grave.

"But hi, wherever you are." She leans back in the grass, deciding that the sky above is maybe a bit more pleasant than staring at the dark grey stone her grandmother rests under. "I got you pink flowers. Maybe you would've preferred yellow or something, but you're dead so you'll just have to deal with my choice."

A soft breeze rolls by and Ellie wraps her arms around her chest to keep warm. "I'm sorry I didn't come to visit sooner. I wanted to." She pauses. "Well. No. I didn't want to. I don't like the idea of visiting you this way if I'm being honest. But I'm here now. And again, you're dead. So you'll have to take your complaints up with me some other time."

Her fingers pull at the dewy grass beneath her and she can feel her shirt dampening as it lays flat against the wet ground. "I've sort of picked up a morbid sense of humor over the past few months. You can thank Cooper for that. Speaking of the dev—can I say that in a cemetery? Never mind. Cooper and I haven't spoken for a couple of weeks now. I miss him. I don't know if that's in poor taste of me to say while I'm visiting your grave. I miss you too, of course. But I also miss him. At least you didn't decide to leave me. I think it hurts more knowing that he's chosen to stay away.

"He's dying too. Soon I'll be visiting his grave I guess. I don't know what happens after you die, but if you somehow see him, do me a favor and make sure he's okay. I hope he's happy up there. I hope you're happy up there. Are there dogs in heaven? If there aren't then what's even the point?

"Sometimes I wish we would've gone to church more. I think it would've made this whole death thing a little easier. Maybe I would've had some solace in feeling like you've gone to a better place. But instead I don't know what I believe in. Maybe you've just died and you're gone. Maybe you've gone to heaven. Maybe you're back on earth in the form of something else—for your sake, I hope you're not a worm or something. Though maybe the life of a worm is easy. A simple life may be just what we all need after all the complications of a human life.

"I don't know. I'm rambling. All I know is that I hope there's something after all of this. I hope we don't just die and that's it." She stops speaking, taking a moment to consider her own thoughts as her eyes watch the passing clouds.

"I wish the people I love would stop leaving me. It's really starting to bum me out, grandma. It's turned my mind into a philosophy 101 class." A dry laugh passes her lips as a stray tear runs down her cheek.

"Life is one son of a bitch. It just fucks you and fucks you and fucks you—"

She cuts herself off when she hears someone clear their throat from beside her. Curious, she props herself up onto her elbows to find the culprit. A familiar set of eyes stare back at hers and she holds her breath.

"That's a lot of fucking," Cooper says, raising his eyebrows as he stares down at her.

She sighs, rolling her eyes and laying back on the ground. Her attention returns to the sky as she mumbles a moody, "What are you doing here?"

"I work here."

"I don't care."

"Ouch." Within seconds, Cooper is laying down in the grass next to Ellie, despite her clear discomfort at his forward actions. He turns his head, his eyes searching her face for a specific emotion before landing on her lips. "You look nice."

She scoffs. "Do not flirt with me."

His lips quirk upwards into his usual annoying grin and his eyes narrow just the slightest. "What makes you think I'm flirting?"

She pushes herself up from the grass, crossing her arms over her chest and staring off into the distance. "Get back to work. They're not paying you to lay here and do nothing."

"I wasn't aware that I was laying here and doing nothing. I thought that talking to you counted as doing something. Guest hospitality maybe."

She shakes her head slowly, biting hard on the inside of her cheek to keep her temper at bay. "I don't want to see you, Cooper. I'm here to speak to my grandma, only to speak to my grandma. So leave."

He doesn't say anything for a while, but he also makes no move to leave. Ellie's body tenses up with each second of silence, her eyes shut tight as she waits for him to respect her wishes and walk away. When his hand lands on her shoulder, she turns around, her rage getting the best of her as she shoves his arm away.

"I said, leave! What part of leave don't you understand?!"

His shell-shocked expression sends a wave of guilt through her but she's quick to swallow it down, unwilling to let her cold exterior crumble because what lies beneath is just a sad, broken version of herself.

"Ellie—" He cuts himself off, his head lowering as he studies his hands nervously. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's a little late for that, Cooper," she spits harshly.

"I know." He gulps, daring to spare a glance in her direction before looking away in embarrassment once more. "I just miss you."

"You've been ignoring me for weeks," she bites down on her bottom lip, a metal taste making its way through her mouth and alerting her to the fact that she's drawn blood. "Weeks, Cooper. You can't come over here and just start joking around with me like nothing happened. That's not how it works. You've made it very clear what role you plan to play in my life."

"I think I made a mistake," he mumbles under his breath.

"What?"

He hesitantly reaches for her hands, hurt flashing across his features as she pulls them away. Swallowing down his pride, he says, "I made a mistake. I miss you, El. I want you in my life. Even if that life is a little shorter than expected."

She stares back at him blankly, unsure how to respond. When his intense gaze becomes too much, she looks over to the pink flowers that rest upon her grandma's grave. A sad smile tugs at her lips as a new set of tears well up in her eyes.

"Now you choose to be selfish?"

His eyebrows pull together as he watches her, her hand reaching out to touch the bouquet of tulips. Her gentle touch traces along the outline of the flowers and he finds himself fixated on the tender way in which her fingers move. He reaches out once more, placing a cold hand on her knee and halting her actions.

"I'm stopping my chemotherapy."

She looks away from the flowers, her sad eyes meeting his. "Why?"

"They said my chances are slim. I told you, I don't want my last moments to be spent in a hospital. I want to truly live while I still have time." He looks down at his hand on her knee. "And it may be selfish of me, but I want to do it with you. I understand if you can't. I know that I'm asking for a lot. But if you're willing to, I'd like you to join me in the last chapter of my life."

She stares down at his hand, her own hand desperately wanting to reach out and grab his, but she resists. She hadn't realized that she was crying again until a salty tear sneaks its way past her lip and onto her tongue. She doesn't say anything, she just stares blankly ahead, as if some sort of sign will present itself to her.

"I talked to my boss," Cooper speaks up once more. "I told him about my condition and I quit. My last shift is Friday."

She breaks her gaze from the tree behind him, her eyes finding his once more. "Your last shift is Friday?"

"Yeah."

"Does that mean—"

"No." His lips quirk upwards into a smile. "I'm not going to die on Friday. It's just my last shift. I figured I may as well quit working now so I have a bit of time to... finish things up."

She nods solemnly. "That's probably good."

"So. What do you say?" When she stares back at him confused, he takes a deep breath before continuing. "Will you spend the rest of my life with me?"

A sad laugh leaves her lips, her tear-brimmed eyes serving as a reminder to the unpleasant topic of conversation. "That sounds like a marriage proposal."

"We can get married if you want," he says, a playful glint in his eyes. "It'd be a great setup for you, really. No time for me to get bored and start up countless affairs. No time for you to find out about those affairs and plot my death. No explaining to the children why their daddy won't be coming home. You'll just inherit my fortune and it'll be over in a jiffy."

She reaches out to slap his chest, another, less sorrowful, laugh passing her lips. He catches her hand in his own, holding it close to his chest as he stares back at her. "So how about it?"

If the warmth of his hand enclosed around her own wasn't enough, the pleading look in his eyes sealed the deal. She nods slowly, swallowing down any doubt. "Okay."

His eyes light up at the simple word and a smile graces his face. "Really? Are you sure?"

"I think so, yeah," she says quietly, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "But this is it, Cooper. You can't decide you want to protect me after this. If I agree, we're both all in. Until the end."

He nods in agreement, though uncertainty dances through his mind. Shutting off all thoughts, he reaches for her waist to pull her into him. Their eyes search one another's for any trace of doubt. When Cooper is sure he sees none, he reaches for her chin, guiding her lips towards his before placing a chaste kiss to them. When he breaks away from the kiss, Ellie is quick to pull him back in for another.

Caught off-guard, he laughs through the kiss. Ellie matches his laugh with one of her own and soon they're just a blushing mess of a couple sitting on the ground of a cemetery and laughing at the simplicities of life.

"I've really missed you," she says, her laugh coming to an end.

He leans in, delivering a quick kiss to her cheek before wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace. Her head rests delicately on his shoulder and his chin rests on hers as he quietly says, "I've missed you too."

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