**not edited**

Chapter 62 | New Years Party

Isabella:

It has been 6 days since I had told Lucas about my eating disorder and although I feel a little lighter for getting it all off of my shoulders - things are pretty much looking the same for me. Even worse perhaps. I'm still stuck in this dark rut and the inner conflict in my mind seems to have only increased up a notch these past few days.

Talking aloud with Lucas had reminded me of my therapy sessions which in turn reminded me of why I had wanted to get better in the first place. So now, not only did I have the thoughts telling me not to eat, but I now also had the ones nagging me to get better. I felt guilty for eating but also guilty for not eating and purging and digging myself even deeper in this dark hole. I would wake up with motivation that this would be the day where I could stomach eating at least one full meal but by night I found myself with an empty stomach for having wretched my guts out and sore muscles for exercising profusely. My mom and grandmother were worried about me, not knowing how to help and my father had even extended his stay to keep an eye out for me.

In those 6 days also, Lucas has been around every single day. I, surprisingly, find myself not completely hating his presence like I had been a week prior and I don't know what to think about that. I guess for now, it has to do with the fact that he is the only person right now who actually treats me normal and not like I'm some fragile doll and not because I've necessarily revaluated our friendship status or anything like that. I'm still somewhat rocky with him, it's less since I told him everything, but it's still rocky.

He is still insistent with the idea that he's going to make it up to me somehow, whatever that fucking entails, that is why he has been coming around all week. I can also tell that he is more respectful and careful about my boundaries now, for instance, he always calls or texts to ask if he can come over instead of just showing up in our kitchen which is growth, as small as it is.

The only other two who still treat me like normal and refuse to walk around me like they're stepping on eggshells, I haven't seen in a while. Mia had popped round 2 days ago and Grace 3 but both have guests staying over for the rest of Christmas break so are busy with family but I'll be seeing them later tonight for the new years party they're dragging me too anyways.

***

"Mia," I say, eyes widening in fear and gesturing with my hands to calm down. "Put the hanger down, gently, slowly, just...put it down."

"NO!" She screams before proceeding to chuck the hanger across the room. It makes a loud noise as it collides with the wall before clattering to the floor. "I WILL NOT CALM DOWN HOW DARE SHE!" Her entire face grows red and she is mere seconds away from going on a rampage and destroying everything in her sight.

Grace on the other hand sobs loudly and chucks her arms around me. "I can't believe you told him, I'm so proud," she cries, squeezing me in a hug so tightly I can barely breathe.

I shut my eyes shut in reaction to the whirlwind of emotions swirling around in my room. "Guys calm down please!" I whine already regretting telling the two of them of the events that went down on Christmas.

"NO! Bella, I demand that you give me that smelly slime ball bitch ass bitch hoe's address so that I can pull up to her house, hunt her down and shove this hanger up her ass so hard I can yank her brain out of her vagina!"

"I'll drive," Grace sniffles, raising her hand.

"I also can't believe you only just told us! That's freaking 6 days later after it happened!" Mia continues to scream, flailing her hands in the air before shooting me a stern glare.

"Sorry!" I raise my hands in surrender and slowly back away from the both of them but not before prising Grace away from me. "I know your reactions would have been this extreme so I waited for a proper time to tell you guys! Now please CALM DOWN!"

"Ugh fine!" Mia stomps her feet and drags a hand down her face exasperatedly just as Grace wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her t-shirt. "But if I ever see Maria again, just know she is in for it!"

"Okay, that's fine by me although I already did my part and beat her up!" I lift my bruised up fist proudly as Mia walks back into my closet and begins shuffling through my clothes like she had been doing moments before I had blurted out what had happened almost a week prior.

"That is so cool," Grace gushes, nodding excitedly. "I hope you broke her nose."

"Me too," Mia sneers from inside my closet. "And here," she throws a dress at me aggressively. "This is the dress you can wear to the party, it matches with your bruised fist."

I pull the red dress away from where it had landed on my face and peer at it. "I'm gonna wear a white turtle neck underneath it," I tell her and she nods, going over to the other side of the room and picking up the hanger she had thrown furiously seconds before and placing it back in its original place in my closet.

"So what was Lucas' reaction," Grace asks, sitting down on my bed and ruffling through the bag she had brought with her that contains her outfit for the party. She pulls out her make up bag and places it down on the bed beside her as she waits for my answer.

"Erm well he...tackled me and then...cried...a lot."

My response causes Grace to look up and raise her eyebrows. "Was it like how you thought he would react?"

"No." I shake my head. "I was definitely imagining the worst case scenario like him laughing at me or not caring at all but his reaction caught me off guard. He started like apologising profusely and looked really ashamed and sad and guilty."

"As he should," Mia responds, emerging out of my closet with two pairs of shoes and a pair of tights. She pauses for a beat as if in thought. "On a scale of 1-10 how guilty and sorry does he seem."

"11," I murmur under my breath, down casting my eyes to the floor and fiddling with the ends of my dress as I think about the past 6 days with him.

This past week there had not been a day where he hadn't apologised at least 4 times a day. It wasn't like half-asses apologies either, I'm talking about ted talk speech worthy apologies full of emotion and anguish. The guilt truly was eating away at him.

I shake my head. "Before I wanted him to feel guilty for what he did, now that I've told him, I feel guilty that he feels guilty and my feelings about it are all muddled and I'm so confused about everything and how I feel towards him." I blow out a frustrated breath. "I'm also really starting to hate this grudge I have over Lucas because I've noticed how negative it makes me feel. It like enhances everything that he did to an extreme and makes it seem 10x worse that it was, I mean it was already bad so it just makes it all seem super duper worse."

"Ah shit," Grace frowns, putting her bag aside and grabbing my hand to yank me down so I'm sitting on the bed with her. "Your empathetic trait is both your worst and best quality." She shakes her head, nibbling on her bottom lip.

I huff.

"That's why you bitches should be an apathetic bitch like me," Mia looks over her shoulder at us. "Nothing gets to me."

"Mi you cry when little children win the golden buzzer acts on AGT, apathetic my ass."

"Hey-"

"Anyways," Grace cuts Mia off from retaliating, causing my attention to snap back to her. "It is going to be confusing Bell, how you feel about him, especially because you have a whole shit load of feelings for Lucas on both ends of the spectrum; hate because of what you associated him with and then love because he was your close friend your whole childhood and your crush."

I nod and pull my lips into my mouth, fiddling with the necklace around my neck.

"And secondly," she continues shortly after. "I think your mind is telling you to let go of this grudge. I know you think getting rid of the grudge means that you have to automatically forgive him or something," she looks at me and quirks an eyebrow and I snort at how correct she is. "But that doesn't have to be the case, getting rid of the grudge could just be a way to bring you peace, it doesn't mean you have to suddenly be bffs with him y'know."

"Yeah," I mumble. "It's just easier said than done though," I frown and shake my head before letting out an exasperated sigh, done with my scattered thoughts and crazy feelings. I wish I could catch a fucking break from them sheesh.

"Ugh," I groan, falling back on my bed and covering my face with my hands frustratedly. "Let's hope this party acts as a distraction, I really need to get out of my head tonight."

Mia snorts. "Amen to that."

***

I wrinkle my nose as we weave through the jam packed house, shuffling across the sticky floor and moving past sweaty bodies gyrating together in every possible space. The beat of the music blaring from the speakers is so loud that I feel the thump in my brain.

I can already feel myself beginning to sweat in my outfit from the intense heat inside and I brush my hands down the material of my dress as we continue heading deeper into the house. We follow the Dylan, Lucas and Aidan who we had bumped into after arriving at Carter's house as they guide us to some place where we can get drinks. Every five seconds however, we end up having to pause in the middle of all the dancing bodies when a few people stop to greet the guys. They're in the middle of conversing with a few boys from the school's soccer team when I turn to check out my reflection in the hallway mirror we coincidentally paused in front of.

I genuinely feel somewhat pretty tonight. I haven't felt happy or alright with my appearance in a long time and although when I look at my reflection I don't exactly think I look dazzlingly beautiful - I don't exactly loathe what I see either, so it's something at least.

My hair is perfectly curled and my makeup gives my face some life. For once I don't look dull or hollow or sick like I have been looking these past couple of weeks and I actually feel and look like the 'old' me.

The dress I'm wearing, that Mia had picked out for me, is a reddish/maroon coloured slip dress, decent in length with spaghetti straps and a cute floral design dotted all over the material. I had paired it with a white turtle neck top underneath despite it dressing down the outfit significantly and kind of ruining the fit too. I hadn't felt comfortable enough to show a lot of skin and had just needed something to cover me so it had to make do. I still looked okay regardless.

Some girls stop in front of Dylan, Lucas and Aidan just when we're about to shuffle forwards again, eying them up flirtatiously and blocking our path and I suppress a groan. I just want to get drunk already.

"For real sister," Mia whines from beside me and that's when I realise I had said the last thought aloud. We both share a look and giggle.

When I turn back to the front, Aidan is in the midst of yanking Grace to his side the moment the pretty red head sidles up to him and tries to chat him up and Lucas promptly steps away the moment her blonde friend approaches him. The girls get the hint when the two boys fail to give them the response they had been looking for and the saunter away looking annoyed moments after and then finally we're back on the move.

I notice that Dylan has somehow disappeared and I narrow my eyes as I scan my surroundings in search for him. When I look behind us however, I find that he is busy locking lips with a tall ginger boy. I quickly run back and link arms with him to help manoeuvre him through the crowd with us as he continues making out with the guy as we walk - how they manage to do that I'm not entirely sure, but they do.

I grasp onto Mia's wrist as she she drags me forward as Grace grasps hers so the three of us don't lose each other in the crowd as we follow Aidan and Lucas wherever they're taking us. What seems like hours later, we at last reach the kitchen and as I head over to the island, a red solo cup is shoved in my hand.

"What is this?" I shout over the music, taking a sniff of the drink that Aidan had handed to me as Mia helps me climb onto the counter top and take a seat.

Aidan shrugs. "I don't know I mixed random things." He grins before taking a large sip of his own cup. His face scrunches up seconds later as he swallows and I bring the drink to my own cherry painted lips.

"Oh God that is strong," I gag, thumping my chest as the alcohol begins to burn the back of my throat as I swallow.

"It's fine for me," Mia pouts, taking a larger sip and chugging down the contents of the cup.

"Same for me," Dylan agrees, pausing from his make out sesh to do the same.

"Of course it is," Lucas shakes his head, chuckling slightly before handing me a can of cherry cola to mix in my drink to lessen the horrid taste of whatever drink Aidan whisked up for the five of us. "It'll make it taste good," he tells me and I nod, opening the can and pouring it into my cup.

We all stay congregating in the kitchen, sipping on our drinks and conversing for a while. Aidan and Dylan tell us about their Christmases and Lucas and I tell them about our crazy one but only really telling them about the fight and Maria's bitch ass and not the reason behind it (I'll tell the guys one day about what I'm going through, just not now) and they whoop like crazy when I show them my bruised up fist.

"She gave me bad vibes," Aidan states once the cheering comes to a halt and Dylan nods his head in agreement.

"I can't believe she jumped our lulu." He pouts and wraps both his arms around Lucas and begins rocking him back and forth in a hug. "That is so sad."

"I can't believe you three had to go through the traumatic event of meeting that being," Grace grimaces, pointing her finger in the general direction of the three boys. She then gasps, slaps a hand over her mouth and turns to her boyfriend. "Oh my baby, you poor thing, you must be absolutely disturbed by that encounter."

Aidan looks down at Grace and juts his bottom lip out. "Aw princess, don't be worried-"

"Hey!" Dylan screams at the two of them, shoving Lucas away. "What did I tell you guys about doing couple-y shit in front of non-couple-y people," he narrows his eyes. "Have some courtesy and don't be rude!"

"Dyl calm down," Lucas mumbles, rubbing his arm where Dylan had pushed him away.

"No I will not calm down! Lulu tell them to stop!"

Grace merely sticks her tongue out before yanking Aidan down and kissing him in spite of Dylan.

"Fuck you Grace," he crosses his arms and turns his back to the two of them in an annoyed manner. This irritated state doesn't last long however as in 0.3 seconds, he is back to locking lips with Mr tall ginger boy. I giggle at his antics.

As we continue talking together in the kitchen, I realise it's the most fun I've had all week. With both Dylan and Mia's dramatics, I'm bent over crying in laughter. I find myself managing to escape the confines of my mind and actually relax and enjoy my self as I swing my legs on the counter and continue to laugh, talk and drink.

The kitchen grows increasingly packed as time goes on and when another group shuffle past our group to get to the drinks, Lucas gets shoved forward and ends up having to stand in between my legs at the lack of space. As I'm sitting on the island, we're at the same height. He's standing close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body and one of his hands rests on the countertop dangerously close to my thigh. Lucas tries to shuffle back but with another group standing directly behind him there is no room.

Luckily, at that point Mia decides to perk up and ask if Grace and I want to dance.

I nod my head eagerly in agreement and Lucas gives me his hand to help me jump off the counter.

"Thanks," I mumble to him before signalling Aidan to pour another refill of my drink before setting off with the girls.

Once I've gotten my refill, Mia drags Grace and I back out into the huge hallway before we manoeuvre our way through the crowd and head into the living room where there is a bit more room to dance.

I continuously have to swat Mia away from my cup as we shuffle from the kitchen to the living room as she repeatedly tries to take a sip out of my drink. Lucas had to confiscate her cup earlier when her head started lolling and she had already begun to slur her words. Not even an hour into the party and Mia was already drunk out of her mind.

"Don't let me get on the table again," I warn both girls, screaming over the music once we find the living room. "I still shrivel up and cringe thinking about that."

"Don't worry we won't," Mia giggles, swinging an arm around me and bopping her hips drunkenly to the beat of the music. "I'll make sure all coffee tables stay away from you."

Grace chuckles and sets her empty cup on the floor as another song begins to play from the speakers.

The three of immediately recognise it as the intro of 'Friends' by Chase Atlantic and we in unison, shoot each other excited looks and squeal. I chug down the remaining bit of my drink before setting my empty cup on the floor beside Grace's and allowing her to pull Mia and I deeper into middle of the packed room so we can dance to our favourite song.

Somebody cranks up the music even louder and I feel the vibrations of the beat under my feat and all throughout my body. The music is loud enough that it feels like my ear drums might burst but it's a Chase Atlantic song so I really don't mind.

As I dance I slowly feel the effects of the alcohol taking over my body. The slight tipsy feeling overwhelming my mind and movements is awesome. It's enough for me to be sober enough to be familiar with my surroundings and coherent the things I'm doing and saying but enough for any worries I have and any heaviness in my heart to seep away.

The song comes to an end and another begins to play, one that I'm unfamiliar with but the three of us continue dancing regardless.

My hands raise to the air and I grind my hips against Grace who is standing behind me and Mia who is dancing in front of me. Our bodies are pressed together from the packed state of the room and the heat radiating from all the bodies is almost suffocating but I'm still honestly having the time of my life.

I don't know how long we spend dancing here but I am a hot and sweaty mess by the time I realise that I'm parched and in dire need of another drink. My hair sticks to my forehead and I'm out of breath and panting as the next song slowly comes to a close and fades into the next.

Luckily enough however, I notice Dylan's tall blonde head of hair dancing somewhat near the three of us and I shuffle forwards and yank the vodka bottle that he has clutched in his hand.

He gasps in confusion and spins his head around