21•Nervous breakdown

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I did a little hip shimmy with my hands up in the air then started moving my legs in the most disorderly way possible mentally picturing myself pulling off Doja Cat's dance in woman music video. Well I think it is, but from onlookers, I'd look like an earthworm on dry sand.

"Ah!" I screamed my freaking lungs out when I felt a grip on my arm.

"What the fuck dude!" My face burned from embarrassment at being caught doing my stupid dance and I almost exploded when he threw his head back, placing his palm on his face when he let out a full blown belly laugh.

After SEVERAL minutes of torturously watching his face contort in the most winsome way possible at my expense, he finally sobered up.

"Damn Barbs!" He let out between chortles, eyes red and glassy from laughing so hard while I maintained a poker face with arms folded when deep down I wanted to be six feet under, hidden away from the shame of watching the hottest guy in my grade die laughing at one of those embarrassing killer moves we actually and are only supposed to do locked away within the fine walls of our bedroom.

"I'm not here for a few minutes then boom! You turn here into a freaking strip club"

Cue a well-deserved eye roll as I put on my jacket. "You're exaggerating, I only took off a jacket, not my bra"

"But seriously, don't move your ass that way in a lonely place, someone might have seen you and gotten a few ideas" I lifted a quirky brow at his now serious tone from where I stood, fascinated by how he could go from a 0 to 100 in a mo.

"Well Alan what will give people a few ideas is what we're both doing in an empty gym in the middle of lunch"

"Just wanted to talk" He shrugged nonchalantly. That hit home.

So he has to hide to talk to me? Am I really embarrassing to be seen with? Of course, seeing the both of us talking privately, especially in public would be equivalent to seeing a giraffe with two heads making out.

Crazy?

Impossible?

Yes, and I know.

It would literally create a dramatic earthquake of gossip I most definitely do not need. Certain things don't just make sense and are absurd together and a perfect example is Alan and I. Maybe Nicole wasn't right after all, let the popular maintain their image and the unnoticed continue living in the shadows. Screw Mr Rob for making us work together in the first place.

My glare averted to where he sat comfortably on the bleachers, opening his meal to eat and my mouth opened on instinct to bite back but was left hanging when he began talking.

"Besides I needed a breather. Not that you need to know but this redhead has been up my neck for the last few days" Okay so maybe I spoke too soon. Damn you stupid insecurities!

"I guess being told to piss off is not enough red flags to some girls"

"So are we here to talk about your socially deranged life cos that sounds like your headache, not mine" My index pointed in his direction and then behind my back "I could just use the door to avoid listening to your mental breakdown"

He shook his head between soft laughs "damn your smart mouth Barbs and get your ass over here let's talk"

"I'm fine just where I am" I folded my arms to appear more defiant but that only made him shake his head before pulling me down on the seat next to him.

Puffing in agitation, I decided to remain quiet but still pissed as different ways of retribution kept popping up in my head, my psyche diseased with a gazillion Richard-Ramirez-inspired thoughts. With a not-so-perfect brow raised, I stared at the outstretched piece of sandwich in my direction and at Alan who returned an expectant gaze as if offering your biggest nemesis food was the most normal thing in the world to do.

Pft. I'd rather die from lead poisoning. Dear God, I didn't mean that.

"I'm still shocked this conversation lasted up to this moment but don't push it" Finally sighing maybe in defeat or disappointment, he retracts his hands and runs his palm down his face before turning to me.

"Why do you have to act so goddamn difficult?" I only shrugged "I know we started on the wrong foot but damn is it a sin if I just want to know who I'll be spending probably spending the next couple of weeks with?" What would be a sin is the thoughts racing my head for the next couple of dreadful weeks of us working together and I'm not just talking about my twisted homicidal thoughts, I mean-Jesus look at this boy!

"You could be a serial killer for all I know" he joked, eyes gleaming with excitement as he ran his hands through the thick brown curls laying disorderly stress-free on his head.

"Only just a humble aspirant but I feel honored you consider me worthy enough" I wore a lopsided smirk when his mirthful expression slowly faded to apprehension and I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

With his eyes cast down, he shakes his head still smiling as if humored by a distant thought. Within a flash that distant look disappears with a smirk "Won't take a genius to know who takes the lead in your burn book" I snort. Burn book? Are we reenacting mean girls?

"Puh-lease" adding a little unnecessary sass "you're only just in top 3, don't get so fly bout it"

He let out an overdramatic gasp, palm flat on his chest and a feigned hurt masking his face. "That burned!"

Sticking my tongue out teasingly after replying that it was supposed to, making us both chuckle at our brief moment of puerility and as if a light switch, our moods changed to an awkward silence like we both realized we did something we weren't supposed to and that was just the case.

"Dude!" We both jumped slightly as his friend's voice boomed making us leap to our feet, assuming awkward stances. Alan rubbed his nape and kept his eyes trained on mine as if weighing my reaction before loosening up and going in for a bro-hug-handshakey greeting. "You still here? You missing out on all the action. Tyler's beating the shit out of Erin, like finally! Those two been beefing since forever. What are you even doing here?" Dragging out the last two words, his eyes finally acknowledged my presence and flitted to Alan and back at me in a slow, dramatic way before his eyes widened to the size of golf balls and his mouth formed an 'o' shape as realization just shone its beautiful rays on him. Or so I thought.

"Shit dude! You still have a redhead stalker up your ass and you're hooking up with a new chick?! Damn, you bad as hell!" Hello? I'm just here! He clapped his back before turning to me. "I'm Jake by the way. You the new exchange student?"

My mouth was left hanging for ten full seconds, trying to assimilate the fact he thought I was new. My eyes darted from Alan who was miserably failing at trying to hide his laugh to a clueless expectant Jake. I raised my palms in question and utter disbelief "We are literally in the same history class!" He looked stunned after stating the obvious. Shaking my head in disbelief and deciding my time here was done, I picked up my bag and stormed off in agitation.

I really don't know why I'm pissed, at least my plan of staying low till after grad was clearly working but I am not invisible!! Ugh for goodness sake aren't I supposed to be glad no one remembers but yet why the burn?

Deep breaths Raven, deep-

Ugh, it's not working!

Watching as the trash scattered all around the bathroom floor as a result of the impact of my foot, I felt the strong urge to continue hitting something fueled by the adrenaline cascading through my veins. The crashing sound of my bag against the wall followed right after barely missing someone but I was too far gone to care if it actually did or not.

"Hey, are you okay?" A soft familiar voice whispered behind me and I felt my heart's erratic beating increase to an unbelievable tempo and all but unleashed on the poor dustbin, stomping away at it.

"No, no I'm not okay!" Turning abruptly, I yelled at her face. "I'm not fucking okay! Why do I have to be forced to live in a fucking shadow, a barely-there fragment of myself! This is not me, I'm not okay!" My voice finally lowered and shook at the end. I bit my trembling lips to prevent the tears from falling.

"Hey Raven, look at me! You're having a panic attack!" Her dainty hands cupped my face "I need you to take deep breaths" she instructed.

"In" I mimicked her as best as I could, taking a long breath in with my blood still boiling in rage.

"Out" letting out shaky breaths, I finally relaxed after the tenth breath.

"You good now?" My throat clogged with the amount of sincerity and care swirling in her brown eyes and could only nod.

After a minute of silence, just taking in the soft expression she wore praying it wasn't a facade and thanking God it wasn't anyone else present to witness my moment of vulnerability.

"Thank-" I was stunned when she pulled me in for a hug, her sweetly scenting perfume hit my nostrils, making me give in to her embrace. I really needed this, this feeling of solace, comfort and care from someone who actually cared-well seemed like it. I subconsciously squeezed her a little tighter, relishing every moment before speaking without breaking the hug "I'm sorry about the bag" I felt her head bob on my shoulder, her curly hair tickling my neck before continuing "And thanks"

We broke apart and I saw a tear slip down her cheek before she quickly wiped it away and smiled sweetly.

"Don't thank me, it's nothing! Besides you looked like you really needed that hug"

I nodded in affirmation "But uh... Can you not tell anyone about this...." I gestured my hands around us making her smile fade and her expression serious.

Placing her palms on my shoulders, she looked me dead in the eye and spoke her words of assurance "Hey, I would never tell anyone I promise, and if it makes you feel any better..."

She hesitated a bit, her eyes avoiding mine before continuing "I've had issues of mine as well. I've had issues with drugs for a while so I'd have a panic attack whenever I needed it badly and just couldn't get it at that time but with the help of family" a faint smile on her face at the mention of family "especially a certain someone I guess I got out of it and trust me it wasn't easy"

Her deep brown eyes clouded with so much emotions and melancholy, finally met my bottle green ones which should mirror how bummed I'm feeling. She wore a genuine smile that failed to reach her eyes and tucked my hair behind my ear.

"Why?" I shook my head in negligence and obfuscation to such an upfront confession "Why would you tell me all this? It seemed like something so personal, why would you tell me that? You don't even know me, aren't you concerned I may tell?"

"Will you?"

"Of course not"

"Then good, let this be our little secret" she whispered with a wink, playing it off nonchalantly.

The sound of the bell filled the serene silence, reminding us of the end of an agonizing, over-eventful lunch break and the beginning of another agonizing forty minutes of torture.

"I have geometry"

Nodding in understanding, she inquired "You sure you're good now?"

I smiled reassuringly "I am, thanks again Cora"

Sheesh! That was intense as hell! I can literally feel the steam coming out of Raven's ears.

Xoxo Ruth.


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